I had a moment tonight. I had plans to play tennis tonight with someone I met this year. It's important to note he instigated.

About a half hour before we were supposed to meet up he texts me and says sorry change of plans he has to help his dad move some stuff.

In my TBM days I would've said "OK" and left it at that, a little peeved but justifying his actions by "family first" and all that. But this time I was (justifiably) peeved and let him know. I asked him if he told his dad he already had plans. He said his brother was only available to help tonight so he had to too. I said "but wait you weren't available...I don't get it" and told him luckily I hadn't shoved off any other plans for this.

It felt good to a) feel a sense of my own worth I'm not sure I've felt before, and b) stand up for myself in a respectable and justifiable manner.

I think I've always been afraid of offending (as most TBMs do) but now I realize it's not a matter of offense, it's a matter of maintaining my own personal worth and integrity, which I have a right to.

Maybe I'm making some progress after all.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/28/2014 09:33PM by exldsdudeinslc.

Yeah, one of the bonuses for me too. I don't take shit from anyone anymore.

Good for you, keep making more small steps in finding your own voice. It does feel good, doesn't it.

There are going to be dozens of times when we need to be clear with people about what they have done that is disruptive.
Sure, "stuff happens" and people have to change plans all the time.
But there is a way to let people know, politely that they have encroached on our time and their change has caused us to make other plans.
I think you handled it fine by letting him know that you didn't understand how he could just change plans like that at the last minute but was in the least, giving you a heads up before you left your house.

At my point in my life, I know that the people are likely to be unreliable for a variety of reasons, usually health ones.
We are all seniors, all with some degree of malady that can disrupt our plans. So, I make plans, in pencil! Might take weeks or months to fix some mix-up in plans.
It's OK. I'm at a point where I can roll with the punches, understand that not everything in the world is about me and get on with doing other things without a change upsetting me or my day.

This is a very good attitude to have with friends. Things do come up, even fatigue after doing a few things that day.

However, the situation that the OP described also resonated with me. I grew up in a time when if you had plans to do something with your girlfriends and a guy called, it was automatically assumed the guy-date held sway and the girls were cancelled without a thought. It was an "of course" scenario.

The women's movement changed that. They asked, "Aren't we just as important as any guy? After all, we're going to be here long after the guy goes, probably."

I'm glad the OP sent the text that he did. Good for him for telling it like it was for him!

I realize the point of the story is your finding a backbone, but when he's saying "I had to do it because my brother wasn't available any other night," and you said, "But you weren't available," he might have had the A-ha moment when he realizes that he's been a doormat for his dad and brother all his life. His brother gets to be unavailable, and he's always the one accommodating. Maybe your text found two backbones and not just one.

Very good point!