Look at me!! I'm always happy!!...even though my mother has just slapped me and beaten me with a wooden spoon...no retaliation from me...keep the peace....just smiles or she'll beat me worse if she was made to feel guilty over what she has done.
8 Year's Old...The STAGE! Look a me! I'm baptized! Jesus washed away my sins and I'm clean!! Everyone is so happy!!! I'm happy!! The church is so true!!! (um...could someone please tell my mom to stop screaming at me and hitting me all the time? It really hurts.) But the Church! Oh the Church!! Isn't it wonderful!
YW's...the STAGE! YES! I'm worthy! YES! I want to go to the temple!! Yes!! I'm the Laurel President and I'm calm, demure and even avoid doing situps so I don't look like a "worldy slut".
The mission STAGE!! YES! I'm starving!! YES!! I'm basically homeless as where I'm living is moldy, freezing, severely lacking in basic human necessity, I'm exhausted, confused as to why no one wants to hear anything I'm saying and why I can't take a well deserved nap or be in by 7pm instead of 9. But look at me!! Listen to my letters! The church is so glorious!! My comps are AMAZING! The work is going GREAT! I'm dying inside, I'm shaking, I have NO boundaries, NO passport, NO money, NO escape route, NO supportive sane parents, but I'M SO BLESSED! LOOK AT MY BLESSINGS! SEE ME WAVE MY ARMS ON THE STAGE! AREN'T YOU MESMERIZED BY MY MEMORIZATION SKILLS OF ALL THE BULLSHIT SCRIPTURES? See? Look, I've memorized over 100 PLUS all 6 discussions! I'm a RIGHTEOUS MISSIONARY!
...just please tell me...when will my head stop pounding? When can I buy some shoes that don't destroy my feet? When can I rest? When can I go home? When can I say how I really feel? When can I eat? When can I have my time to work out in the mornings? When can I stop being bloated? When can I cry? When can I say "no"? When can I show you my anger? When? When can I have any physical touch...at all? Can no one even hug me? I'm tired. I'm alone. I'm scared...why do I have to be strong ALL THE TIME? Why can't I think about my future...or the money I'm losing? Why can I not watch the news and keep up with current events? Why must I lose my identity for Jesus? Why does he want that from me? When can I actually be gay? Why can I never be alone? I need to be alone! I'm tired, I'm so very tired. I'm going to collapse or die...does anyone care? My thoughts are going to a dark place...I've never been to this place before...wait..I was told missions were so spiritual, so enlightening...but then they said that about the temple and that was a horror show. They have lied to me...how on earth to I escape...and not just the mission...how do I escape it all?
Wow, my heart goes out to you. Even though I didn't go on a mission, I can relate to you "giving yourself" to TSCC. That is why I walked out - exhaustion. You have made HUGE steps to get the cult out of your life.
1. You said NO - Big first step not to blindly obey the "Boyz".
2. You moved away - Good for you. Fresh start. Meet new friends. Way to go.
3. Researched and found it is all a load of &^&%*. Yay!
4. Now you have to get TSCC out of your thoughts, meaning you are FREE - free to think, do, say, basically live your life how you want to without parents, bishies, MPs, etc. running it for you. So begin today. Find your interests, whether it's nature, etc. You can be spiritual or not. You make the decisions. Remember that!
The past is the past. My siblings and I were hit also. Must have been the "spare the rod" BS. Trust me, you will move on and realize it is in the past and one of the things we cannot change.
I hope you take care of yourself and continue on your new path. There really is a whole world out there without TSCC. You could write a book and help other mishies!
Good luck!
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/28/2014 09:43PM by FreeRose.
I have two female nieces on missions right now and 2 more going soon and a nephew...I'm hoping by chance they'll see this. It's the only way to communicate with them as I'm shunned from their lives due to their parents.
What I write is for me to an extent, but also for my young extended family who has not chance of escape unless someone can show them the truth. I put these out here to hope one of them just might see it.
Hard to know what to say, but just be grateful that you KNOW THE TRUTH! That is HUGE! You don't get to realize it now but it will pay off dividends in your (very long) future ahead. You have your entire life ahead of you, and the best thing is you get to make of it what you want. Bear with what you have to now and you'll be loving life for a very long time. You have a lot going for you.
If you aren't tired of hearing from me yet, there is a scene in the book Gone With The Wind where Ashley describes what it was like to leave his ideal, peaceful life at Twelve Oaks plantation and be forced to live with strangers and fight for the Confederacy. He talks about feeling like he was suddenly shoved out on stage, with no idea what his lines were supposed to be, taken from his dream world and forced to make futile acts in an unfamiliar reality. I highly recommend reading that part of the book. It describes how I felt exactly. Suddenly yanked from my well-ordered world where I could escape into my books or my hobbies or hang with trusted friends and shoved out onto a stage, always watched, always with strangers, expected to perform. I kept looking for a refuge and there was none - no off-stage, no down time, no peace. There were a lot of good things about my mission but being in the spotlight was torture. I can relate to everything you said on this post and on the others so well. I actually read them twice. Mormonism never takes the individual into account - it's all about how they can chew you up and spit you out to their best advantage.
Mormonism felt to me. Especially Sundays. Perhaps to a lesser degree, but still the same.
Having been non-Mormon, when exposed to all the time "on-stage" I couldn't imagine how or why anyone would want that for their lives.
Our TBM relatives are "on-stage" all the time. Their FB pages and Prozac use attests to it and it's not a pretty sight. Their phony "on-stage" attitudes are embarassing and self-serving...it's all I can do to keep it from spilling onto my page on FB.
You stated very eloquently what I have felt about Mormon missions for a long time -- that they are lacking in simple humanity. There is little to no understanding that young people need rest, and sometimes solitude, and a chance to regularly talk with their loved ones. They need decent, safe housing and abundant food. They need to unwind by watching some television or reading a non-religious book. They need to not be worked to death, nor to be made to feel that they owe the church two years of their lives. All an investigator need do is to look at how the Mormon church treats its young missionaries.
CAgirl...you just keep posting. I love you posts...they inspire me...obviously. This "stage" issue is so dead on!!
I have to tell you, I remember a photo of one of my neices who was so arrogant before she left on her mission sitting in her parents home...central heating, plush carpet underneath her toes...and basking in everyone telling her how great she was going on this mission. I had seen her briefly a year before and her arrogance was quite rude. But then, I took a step back realizing just exactly what she'd be faced with in a few short months and I grew quiet. I thought..."let her enjoy the last moments of comfort in her life...it's all about to end".
She was sent to a mission that the "pretty girls" go to. I would have hated to be used for my body like that. I would have HATED it.
Summer...when I was in the Army I was treated FAR FAR better than I ever was on that mission. These youth are PEOPLE...not hostages.
You nailed it. "Look at me, I'm always happy!" Mormons are taught that they MUST be happy if they are being obedient. Because we are *happy* when we obey and "wickedness never was happiness."
Utahns self report being the happiest in the nation. However, Utah leads the nation in contemplated and attempted suicide. Utah has the highest rate of antidepressant use in the Us. Go figure.