I posted this on the other thread before I saw this one but here it is again:

I was in Spain so there were a lot of good points but I spent 8 months of my mission in a tiny, coastal town in an apartment that was basically two separate rooms on top of an apartment building, connected by an outdoor walkway. We could never turn the heat on, other than one space heater, which we had to unplug whenever we needed to iron. That we had to do because it was so cold and wet that the clothes never dried. We didn't have a washer or drier and there were no Laundromats in town. So we'd wash clothes in the bathtub and hang them to "dry" on the covered walkway. We had no money for food and only one member family invited us to eat on any regular basis. The bishop thought the missionaries were too spoiled, with dinner appointments, because when he was a missionary there were no Mormons in post-Franco Spain and no one to feed him. He also discouraged them from giving us contacts, because he thought it was lazy of us not to knock doors from morning to night. At one point, my companion was just living on tomatoes and brownie dough, made from flour, eggs and baking chocolate. She refused to take food from me.

But the worst part was, as I mentioned on another thread, I was 24 and graduated from BYU where my minor was Spanish, so I came in fluent. Being a "grown-up" the mission president dumped all the crazy, problem sisters with me, figuring I could keep them in line. For someone as introverted as I am, it was mental torture being with someone not of my choosing 24/7. It was also hard, having lived on my own with my own money, making my own decisions, to be so controlled and smothered. At least 3 of my companions had serious mental problems - 2 of them returned home early. The other was transferred every.single.month. Because no one could stand her any longer than that. My nerves were in absolute shreds dealing with these girls, having no where to go to regroup, no book to read to escape, no personal space. I had no control and like you, was completely exhausted. It took years to recover. The mission president confided in me during an interview that at least 25 percent of the sisters in our mission were on prescription anti-depressants. My panic attacks, something unknown before the mission, lasted up until the time I walked away with Mormonism. They diminished each year I was away from the mission field but they didn't completely go away until I was out. Now I feel them coming on and take steps so maybe they didn't completely go away as much as I learned to deal with them better and got away from the biggest stressor.

Like I said, there were a lot of good points about living in Spain - I still love the country and have a number of Spanish friends. I'm even still friends with a few of my mission companions. But it was incredibly psychologically unhealthy for me and had we been living with members, like some missions require nowadays, I'd have been sent home myself with a nervous breakdown, having to be on stage even more.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/28/2014 08:44PM by CA girl.

What a WONDERFUL way to express that! The STAGE!

YES! This is exactly how I felt about my ENTIRE experience with Mormonism. Always happy...even when your mother has just slapped you and beaten you with a wooden spoon...no retalliation...just smiles as she would beat you worse if she was made to feel guilty over what she had done.

YW's...the STAGE! YES! I'm worthy! YES! I want to go to the temple!! Yes!! I'm the Laurel President and I'm calm, demure and even avoid doing situps so I don't look like a "worldy slut".

The mission STAGE!! YES! I'm starving!! YES!! I'm basically homeless as where I'm living is moldy, freezing, severely lacking in basic human necessity, I'm exhausted, confused as to why no one wants to hear anything I'm saying and why I can't take a well deserved nap or be in by 7pm instead of 9. But look at me!! Listen to my letters! The church is so glorious!! My comps are AMAZING! The work is going GREAT! I'm dying inside, I'm shaking, I have NO boundaries, NO passport, NO money, NO escape route, NO supportive sane parents, but I'M SO BLESSED! LOOK AT MY BLESSINGS! SEE ME WAVE MY ARMS ON THE STAGE! AREN'T YOU MESMERIZED BY MY MEMORIZATION SKILLS OF ALL THE BULLSHIT SCRIPTURES? See? Look, I've memorized over 100 PLUS all 6 discussions! I'm a RIGHTEOUS MISSIONARY!

...just please tell me...when will my head stop pounding? When can I buy some shoes that don't destroy my feet? When can I rest? When can I go home? When can I say how I really feel? When can I eat? When can I have my time to work out in the mornings? When can I stop being bloated? When can I cry? When can I say "no"? When can I show you my anger? When? When can I have any physical touch...at all? Can no one even hug me? I'm tired. I'm alone. I'm scared...why do I have to be strong ALL THE TIME? Why can't I think about my future...or the money I'm losing? Why can I not watch the news and keep up with current events? Why must I lose my identity for Jesus? Why does he want that from me? When can I actually be gay? Why can I never be alone? I need to be alone! I'm tired, I'm so very tired. I'm going to collapse or die...does anyone care? My thoughts are going to a dark place...I've never been to this place before...wait..I was told missions were so spiritual, so enlightening...but then they said that about the temple and that was a horror show. They have lied to me...how on earth to I escape...and not just the mission...how do I escape it all?

Yes...I understand the STAGE.

CA girl...when you look back on those women who were suffering mentally...do you ever feel real concern that perhaps those women never behaved this way before the stress of the mission or if they did...then the powers that be pushed them on the mission to hopefully make them more marriageable?

I met one Sister...when she arrived in the mission. Just a normal person...6 months later she was insane....just struggling to maintain her sanity. I think she finished and made it home, but I saw her mental prowess just shrivel and now I see that as true human torture. It is torture to make a person feel that insane and not let them feel free to go home and get comfortable again.

I hate this church, and I hate how they make every fit the same shoes. It's horrible to watch.

My favorite of the three, who I will call Sister B, is the one who I would guess had problems entirely because of Mormonism. She was raised in a small, Wasatch front town and was very artsy, out-there, creative wonderful sort of person. Very emotional. I saw her once or twice after the mission and she was so much better, calmer, without the pressures of the mission. She always said that if our MP became a GA that she'd know the church wasn't true and would leave. She hated him because she was really suffering, mentally, emotionally and physically and he blew her off, calling her overly emotional and implying she was making up her physical symptoms. When she got home, an international disease specialist told her that during her time in a small, Spanish town there was a recall on some olive oil that had been tainted with motor oil. The recall was only in and around the pueblo she was working in. She probably ingested some of this oil because the damage to her intestines was consistent with her symptoms, according to this specialist. Symptoms the MP thought were emotional and exaggerated. She will have the physical problems with it her whole life. BTW, the MP was made a general authority about a decade ago so I have high hopes she's out.

Another one, Sister C, went around telling everyone she had a metal plate in her head and had to show a medical card whenever she went through a metal detector. I saw her go through one at the airport as she went home early and it didn't go off at all. Why would you tell people that if it wasn't true? She was on about 12 different meds and would get so depressed, I'd hide the meds at bedtime then get up early and get them out again because I was worried she'd wake up in the middle of the night and scarf the lot.

Another one, Sister E, was just a mess. She very literally never stopped talking. I don't know if this was a nervous condition or not but the MP had to transfer her every month because no one could stand her talking from morning to night. Her last companion "confessed" she'd bought Sister E a Walkman for her going home present, knowing this sister loved music, and told her she could listen to it all she wanted - since it was her last month in the mission and all. With her headphones on, she finally shut up. The mission president looked at this companion for a long minute then, instead of berating her for breaking the mission rules, just sighed and said "I wish I'd thought of that myself."

And those are just the ones I was with. Two of the sisters had been models to pay for their missions and you could never get them to do any work. One of them broke every rule in the book, including trying to convert a gay guy by getting him to fall in love with her. As soon as he was baptized, she dumped him and he left the church and swore he'd never have anything to do with Mormons or women again. There was also a loud, brassy brunette from Newport Beach who had to be transferred from her first area for making out with her zone leader. When she got into a disagreement with the elders, she would grab her left breast, wave it at the elder and say "Elder, if you don't like it you can suck my left one." And she had a problem with pathological lying. She'd read us the letters she wrote home and they were flat out lies - saying things like she'd been asked to teach an aerobics class or had a famous investigator when it wasn't even a little bit true.

The best was when one of the sisters, who was my MTC roommate, caught up with me after my mission. She was so calm, tranquil and centered compared to the loud, always joking, hyper, party girl I'd known in the mission field. I asked her what brought about the change and she said she'd left Mormonism, gotten into massage, meditation, and helping others through hypnosis and other new agey things. But most of all, she'd admitted she was gay, left her obligatory Mormon husband, and was with a very nice girlfriend. Her authenticity made all the difference in her peace of mind and I was so happy for her.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/28/2014 10:15PM by CA girl.

I probably also should mention that I had a number of nice, educated, relatively sane companions and friends. I'm just telling you about the ones obviously cracking under the pressure of the mission or who had come to the mission field less stable than would have been ideal.

I also think there are sisters out nowadays who are too immature and too sheltered to face the realities of the mission field. That's why there are so many coming home early, something that was unheard of in my day. Because they are faced with huge emotional stresses after not even being allowed to grow up properly, thanks to Mormon cultural norms. I mean, sure they are 19 but they act like they are still 12. Then you stick them with companions that make less sense to them than a hobgoblin, in a hut in Scotland or a flat in Bolivia or facing unheard of challenges in South Africa and what you would expect happens, is what happens. Plus, the church takes them away from their hyper-connected lives - Twitter, Facebook, texting and isolates them. That's a huge challenge for today's teens even if they are in Honolulu or Boise. I worry so much about these girls, although it's getting a little less shameful to be sent home early. But their naïvete, their isolation, the information blackout that leads to situations like my comp Sister B not knowing about tainted olive oil, their childlike dreams of what a mission is like contrasted so brutally against the reality they face. Seriously, take a idealistic, sheltered teenager out of their Provo home and slap them down in the streets of Oaxaca with a total stranger who doesn't even speak English and tell them to go out and prove their worthiness by converting people who don't want to hear their message. Geez, it's amazing anyone comes home mentally in tact - especially nowadays.

Hi CA girl — not sure if you'll get the notification for this, but I'm crossing my fingers. I'm a reporter working on a story about missions and mission safety, and am hoping you would be willing to talk to me — not to be quoted, necessarily, but to help me understand some issues and guide my reporting. My email is racheltachel@gmail.com if you are. Thank you!

I had similar problems with companions. One had severe social anxiety and an eating disorder. Another severe depression. I told all of these stories as a badge of honor when I came home. But I never told anyone how I took half a bottle of pills early on in my mission hoping to be hospitalized so I could go home. Luckily for my health, I just got violently sick and threw them all up. But I wanted out.

I know this is a sister's thread, but we "elders" were right there with you dealing with the mental illnesses brought on by mormonism.

The worst were the gay gys trying to work and pray away the gay. They were miserable and made others more miserable. Then there were guys like me who were trying to hard to handle the necessary cog dis to stay on the mission. I went through three months of what I now realize was clinical depression. I read those letters home once and hated my parents for not hopping on a plane and bringing me home immediately.

Mormonism is about one thing: appearances. as long as you look good to the outside, nothing else matters. for those of us that care about the inside, mormonism is unsustainable.

It's a new world too. The old missionary days are gone forever, and even they were horrid!

The Internet has set these kids (teenagers) up for big time shock and failure. Mormonism has become Broadway's laughing stock. These kids have never lived without social media before. Most mission areas are now over-saturated, there are more missionaries per mile and with fewer converts.

The church recently increased its missionaries by 40%, yet only got a 4% baptism increase.

This current time period may prove to be historic -- for all the wrong reasons.

Mormonism may have shot itself in the foot.

And the thing is, if missionary work becomes impossible because of all the things you mentioned, plus the dangers in today's world, TBMs like my mom will just see it as a fulfillment of prophecy that the missionaries are being called home before the scourges prior to the coming of Jesus begin. They have a win-win situation. If the missions fail, it's not because the church shot itself in the foot, it's because it's the last days and it's prophesied. Or so they say...

If another ex-elder can break in here as well...

When I was serving in the field, I thought sister missionaries rocked. They always seemed to have their acts together. In contrast, from personal experience I knew that we (meaning us guys) didn't have a clue. It never crossed my mind that I had any "authority" over the sisters, the priesthood be damned.

I was in a district with sisters only one time, but that was easily the best three months of my entire mission. (Even better than my final two months, when I'd stopped even pretending that I cared.) Part of it was that these sisters were the coolest ever; they pranked me good the first day I met them.

To this day I carry an appreciation and respect for sister missionaries and those who used to be, whether exmo or still TBM.

Yes...it's all about appearances...cancer? Keep it to yourself. Anxiety? Keep it to yourself. Fear? Keep it to yourself.

I hate that mask.

By the way, my DC power jack in my computer just died. I'll be offline for about a week until I can get it fixed. :-(

The biggest pitfall for Mormons is the grand LIE that the organization and its leaders truly give a damn about the well being of the missionary. Parents wrongfully send their sons and daughters to a corporation that will not support them.

I ran into situations where my companion hated me and the other missionaries in my assigned district disliked me. Then throw in a sinister mission president and local church leaders that don't want to hear about your problems.

Where can the "troubled" missionary turn for help?

Hint: You're own your own to find your own solutions. Either you come home "dishonorably" or you tough it out and suffer.

**It took 25 years for my TBM mom to tell me that she knew that if any harm came my way while serving my mission, that her "I know the church is true" would not lift a finger. So she took out additional life insurance for two years because she expected me to become injured and or killed in the mission field.