It just doesn't work anymore trying to fit w family at church.
I'm so discouraged with trying to fit. I tried Mormonism again and it just doesn't fit me.
Relatives feel like I'm a disappointment. We are in a new area and have made a few friends but I'm just so depressed to the point of almost wanting to take my life.
I feel rejected at church, feel rejected if I don't go to church. Want to try a new church to make friends. We hv signed up for sports and other stuff to make friends but I just feel so lost right now.
The school is complete shit--run like a military school. I feel so completely alone in this life.
Please, I need some encouragement.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/28/2014 12:35PM by tx2step.

This reminds me of what a friend said after we both finished college and moved to Los Angeles. "You know, there are so many different kinds of people here. No matter who or what you are, what your interests are, there are loads of others just like you."

I grew up "in the field," feeling like the odd man out. My non-Mormon friends seemed to have more interesting, more fun lives, but the limitations of Mormonism kept me from really being one of them. And church was boring and oppressive, so I didn't really want to be part of that. I was sort of half part of both worlds. But I waited it out all those years until I could be out on my own. I eventually found "my people," my niche. It's possible to do.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/28/2014 12:46PM by Stray Mutt.

What area are you in? In my experience, it's unsolvable. Put energy into other activities. It's hard. It's like an abusive relationship. You can't fix it but you keep going back and forth. There are lots of other possibilities. Talk to your kids. Tell them it's B.S. and point out what useful things they can wring out of school. Look to the future.

Allow yourself some time. This is something you have to give to yourself. Breathe. Try to relax. Breathe again.

I'm not good at these kinds of posts, but I feel you. I was where you are in my early 20s. I didn't see any options, but they were there. The first step is to relax and allow yourself some time.

I wish you well. Many of us were once where you are now. Take heart in the fact that we found a way to carry on and eventually get to a better place. You will too. Allow yourself the room to get there.

Human

When I had my eyes opened about Mormonism it was spring of
1978. Blacks were still denied the priesthood (the word we used
then was that they were "cursed"), the insanity about
sleeveless dresses for children hadn't gotten traction yet, and
gays were just considered to be evil sinners with no self
control.

Back then there was no internet. Historical research into
"troubling" aspects of Mormonism was just starting. But the
biggest difference was that there was no exmo community. I
thought I was the only one in the world like me.

Now there are all flavors of exmormon communities. RFM is just
one of them.

The number-one contribution of RFM, and similar sites, is to
let you know you are not alone. There are thousands and
thousands out there like you.

Hang in there.

It gets better.

Thanks for the pep talk.
I'm in Boerne TX

Be glad you are not in the morridor!

Moving is HARD. It is so, so hard to be in a new area. You don't know what stores to go to. You don't know the roads. You don't have trusted health care or service providers. The radio stations and TV stations are different. Everything is different, and trying to settle in is no fun whatsoever.

I think it's a positive that you've made a few friends already. That is really great progress. So give yourself a pat on the back. Give yourself lots of positive self-talk for whatever you are able to accomplish during the day -- even if it's just finding your way to the supermarket, or getting a referral for a good plumber. The time will come when you feel very comfortable in your new surroundings. But until that time, cut yourself a break. There are some difficult periods in life, and you are in the midst of one. This too will pass.

summer Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Moving is HARD. It is so, so hard to be in a new
> area. You don't know what stores to go to. You
> don't know the roads. You don't have trusted
> health care or service providers. The radio
> stations and TV stations are different. Everything
> is different, and trying to settle in is no fun
> whatsoever.


That does not compute with me. I see moving as an adventure. Change is good. Change is fun. Sure, there are things to be missed about the old place, but there are new things to be enjoyed about the new place. Too much comfort, familiarity and status quo can turn us stagnant.

I think that is important. The good thing about moving now and then is that it forces you out of your comfort zones and keeps you learning and observing.

Stray Mutt, I remember you posted about traveling around. Have you found any place you would want to live?

You can do it. We are here to cheer you on.

Your post resonates strongly with me as I'm sure it does with countless others here.

Do not try to fit into some else's life. Especially a Mormon dynamic where the rules are theirs, the punishments are theirs, but also they are free to change them on the prophet's whim. The playing field is slanted and you will never score any serious points.

Build your own life. This does not happen overnight. It is about forgetting about making what you had work anymore. IT is about exploration. It is about new books, movies, magazines, newspapers and events you never would have experienced or absorbed as a Mrmon. These will build your conversational skills with new non mormon friends. These are some of the tools that will build a new life.

These new friends, or places you will fit in, will not come overnight. But they will come if you open up and don't get discouraged because it doesn't happen right away.

And when you have built a new life, you can invite others in, even your old Mormon friends. But this time you will be on your turf, where you leave the playing field leveled which is really all any of us can ask of each other.

The only place you need to fit into is your own life. Oddly, it's not always that easy, but thats what it is .

It sounds like you are young and still living at home with family. I'm going to write with that in mind, although, I believe my advice would help adults as well. While growing up, my family moved around A LOT. I understand how difficult it is to make new friends in a new area. Most of the kids in church and school grew up together and have established friendships, sometimes that makes it tough to make new friends. Getting into sports, or into school clubs, was always a great way for me to meet people with similar interests. It also helped to attract friends by being upbeat, positive, and having a fun attitude, people are naturally attracted to those characteristics.

Church is another issue. It may help to talk to your family and find some alternate activity that they would be comfortable with you participating in. If attendance is your choice, and you feel it just isn't you, then respectfully decline. Sometimes we find ourselves not fitting in anywhere, and we are left to blaze our own path. It can be a lonely time, but it can also be a time of personal development where we take the time to focus on ourselves and what we want to accomplish and achieve in life.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/28/2014 02:22PM by sassenach.

In the last 40 years I've moved every two years on average. I know a little bit about moving.

First things first. Get your "stuff" settled. Get your contacts that you'll need like utilities etc. Talk to people and get referrals for Dr's and repair or service people. Get to know the grocery checker, the waiter at the nearest favorite place. Talk to the person who cuts your hair. Hair dressers know everyone, and everything about them. The UPS guy also knows a ton about your neighborhood. Pay attention to street names and landmarks.

Do something local every weekend. Fall has a ton of events. If you do this, you'll find friends in the most unlikely places.

This is an adventure. You have a lot of exploring to do. You're very lucky that you aren't stuck in a rut. Everything is new. Enjoy the anonymity while it lasts. My favorite thing in a new place is going to the store without caring what I look like. Nobody knows me, and nobody cares. However, that only lasts a short time. Everyone who lives around you goes to the local grocery store. Eventually you'll see someone you know.

I don't know where you're at when it comes to church, so I can't say much about that. I can say that i've never really fit in when it came to mormonism. I didn't realize it at the time, but I always kept part of my life in reserve. I never gave ALL of myself and family to the church. Mormons labeled that as "rebellious". In a way it was. I totally rebelled against letting everyone and anyone in the ward have any control over my personal life. I insisted people call before coming over. I refused to have an open door policy. If they showed up without calling, I would let them know it wasn't a good time. I also reserved the right to say NO. That's considered a sin in mormonism. In the real world that's called a boundary. You need boundaries to keep your life from being trampled. Especially if you have to deal with mormons. It's not a sin to say NO, it's a necessity.

My Motto: Live in this place like you're going to live there the rest of your life. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. Doesn't matter. Hang ALL of the pictures, get the furnishings you need. Make your place home. Everyone needs a home. Don't live out of boxes with bare windows and no chairs. Get comfortable.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/28/2014 11:14PM by madalice.

These posters have given you great advice!

I assume you are living with your parents and going to school, right? Still, most advice can be taken by anyone. I like what one poster wrote to you: "The only place you need to fit into is your own life."

If you were to ask any teen-ager or any young adult if they feel like they really "fit in" anywhere, every one of them would say, "No, I don't fit in." This is just part of the experience of establishing your own identity. Mormons don't know that in the real world, every human being in a unique individual! Mormons force men and women to fit into the exact same mold. As we say here on RFM, Mormons think one size fits all. One set of strict, unbending rules fits everyone (separate rules for males and females, though.)

It took me a long time to learn that my "individuality" could be something that young men could fall in love with. I wasted my time trying to please my Mormon parents, and dated only Mormon boys that they liked. In order to "fit in", I became a chameleon, and could change into anything my Mormons friends and family wanted me to be. I knew the right dialog, the correct answers. I looked like I was supposed to look. Everyone thought I fit in perfectly, but in my heart, I knew I did not fit in. I never believed in the temple or in the polygamous hereafter, but I marred the perfect RM Mormon, with my parents' approval. I was too young, and I knew him only a few months. He turned out to be a criminal, a con-man, and had a history of assault and battery. Yet, he seemed to "fit in" just right, and could impress others.

You can focus on this move as an adventure. One positive is, as one poster wrote, at least, you aren't living in Mormonland! In America, you have a right to worship or not worship as you please. Still, you do need to conform to the laws of the land, in order to have an easier, happier life. So, obey the laws you respect, and question the "laws" that seem made-up, are unreasonable, or that ask for you to sacrifice your money, time, and integrity. Say no to whatever doesn't "fit in" with your own values and boundaries.

You seem like a great person! The desire to "fit in" suggests that you care about others. (People will want to hire you.) I'm sure you won't have trouble finding good friends. You seem perceptive enough to determine who is a real friend, and who is a fake friend. Don't be so eager to make friends that you fall into any traps. Lonely people are more easily converted to Mormonism and other cults, and even gangs.

Becoming an independent adult means doing all those things the Mormon cult does not want you to do!

--Become an individual
--Develop a unique personality of your own
--Be positive
--Lift others up
--Be supportive of others
--Be a good listener
--Decide what you want, and remember that you can always change your mind.
--Try things out (nothing dangerous or harmful)
--Look at life, and moving, as an adventure, like another poster said.

In junior high and high school, I was in love with an Atheist, who handsome, charming, and funny. He "fit in" with the popular clique, was Captain of the football team, and dated only cheerleaders. I was a tomboy, and a bookworm, and focused on being a good pianist. I always had a job, plus all the church stuff, so I didn't socialize much. One free Saturday, I ran into him at the tennis court, and he didn't have anyone to play with, so he asked me, and I beat him, which probably embarrased him. I had just been to the library, and he asked me about the book which was strapped onto my bicycle. We ended up under a tree, reading that book together--an illustrated history book about the Naches Trace. We talked about our classes and teachers at school. No flirting. When I went home, I went to my room and cried, because this boy saw the real me. No makeup, grubby from tennis, tomboy, and a true bookworm, and probably the dullest girl he'd ever met. In reality, the flirty, submissive, high-maintenance type was not what he wanted. That was the beginning of our romance. I also did not stop to consider what I WANTED, when I broke up with the Atheist to marry the Mormon RM.

This is why you would be wise to be yourself. You want to have new friends (and lovers) who like you just the way you are. Mormons only want Mormons, and even then, no matter how perfect you are, a Mormon will still try to change you into someone even MORE PERFECT. Be sure you accept others in that same way. Your new non-Mormon friends will probably not "fit in" any mold, either.

Be patient. It will happen for you.