After I left the church I was in shock for a few months. I didn't know how I felt about it yet or how I felt about my parents still being in it, and I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I shoved away my best friend and my parents and shut myself away from everyone for a while, thinking it would make it easier to figure out. (It didn't.)

Well, eventually, I came to realize how I felt about it. After going back and forth so many times with "Well, maybe I feel this way" or "Maybe I SHOULD feel that way", it finally hit me one night.

I am fucking angry.

Angry at the cult leaders, angry that despicable men like Joseph Smith were ever born, angry that people are having their lives cheated away from them by this cult and many others, but most of all, angry at my parents for being so damn inconsiderate.

They did not consider who I would grow up to be or what I would want out of life when they raised me in the church. They set standards for me that I absolutely had to follow, otherwise I would be a sinner and would burn in hell. They never asked me who I was, who I wanted to be, what I wanted to acheive, nothing. They told me very clearly that they had already planned my life out for me: Get baptized, be a good and chaste little Mormon girl, get married in the temple--and if you aren't married by the time you're 25, there is something seriously wrong with you--and have a thousand babies, whom I will give the exact same life plan and absolutely no control over their futures.

They taught me that marriage was the only important thing a person could possibly aspire to; parenthood the only way to happiness.
They taught me that normal, natural feelings such as sexual urges, attraction to the same sex, masturbation, pornography, et cetera et cetera were major, MAJOR sins.
They taught me that I was not an individual with my own personal thoughts and feelings, but a puppet for them to control; a desciple for God.
They taught me that I was not in control of my own life, period.

Then when I grow up to be an angry, bisexual, self-loathing, God-hating atheist, they wonder where they went wrong.
They have no idea what I'm talking about when I try to tell them that it was their archaic and abusive teachings that made me turn out this way.
They have no idea what I'm talking about when I say that I truly felt like I had no other option in life but to marry a nice young Mormon guy in the temple the moment I turned 18.
They have no idea what I'm talking about when I say that they *strangled me.* I was never able to get a breath of air in our home, I was never able to think for myself and learn and grow and become happy. And *it was because of the cult they raised me in.*

Yet they continue to blame me for all of this. It's my fault I turned out this way; it's my fault I chose to be so angry; it's my fault that I chose not to believe in God; blah blah blah. And STILL, even while they're standing there and blaming me for all fo this, they are completely incapable of grasping the concept that THEY DID THIS.

I'm also really damn angry that they don't believe my issues are big enough for a therapist. They said they're "working on getting me one", but it's been at least six months since I originally asked for one and I still get the same answer every time. Which leads me to believe that, since they aren't trying at all to get me one, they don't believe I need one.

Which is RIDICULOUS, because I am on the brink of suicide right now, and they KNOW that. But they're in happy Mormon lala land, where everything is perfect and their daughter is a happy young woman who doesn't think about slashing at her thighs every waking moment.

I'm so fucking angry that they aren't here for me. That they don't care as much about me as they do their precious cult. That I have tried talking to them so many times, and all I ever get out of it is more blame being put on me. They NEVER take responsibilty for anything. They behave like children. I'm so tired of living like this. I can't even count how many times I've fantastized about packing a bag and leaving in the middle of the night. If this goes on any longer, I might actually do it. I just can't live like this anymore, I can't take it anymore. AND THEY DON'T. FUCKING. CARE.

I'm not even going to read over this message because I know if I do I'll erase it all and leave the page and keep quiet again, like I've done so many times here. But I just really need someone to hear me when I say that I AM NOT HAPPY. I just want to jump in front of a train or off a building or take a bottle of pills because I can't handle this anymore. I can't handle being so fucking alone anymore.

Hey, hang in there! You've been through some terrible things, we all have. Your new life is just beginning, trust me it WILL get better. I've been at rock bottom, no job no friends... but I came back. You need to fill the vacuum with new friends (you WILL find them) and activities. There is so much to life, DON'T LET THE MORG CONTINUE TO GET TO YOU even after you've left.

Don't let them beat you. It is normal to be angry at being lied to. In fact I am only angry right now after being out for 19 years. My nephew is in morgbot training, so I finally became angry. You are not alone, and will never be alone.

Suicide Hotline Info 1-800-273-TALK (8255) <-- repeated because it is important

Please consider moving out asap. Get to a shelter if you have to.

Join the military, get a working holiday visa to New Zealand or Australia or Canada.

You are already awake. Don't stay around people that are not only still asleep, but will do everything in their power to destroy you unless you conform.

Perhaps you could look into mental health services yourself?

Here's a link, since I don't know the area in which you live:

http://www.mentalhealth.gov/

You wrote an eloquent post of what is bothering you.

Please don't kill yourself.

Saree

You are not alone. Many of us have seen our parents, spouses and families choose TSCC over us. That is what is so evil about the mormon cult.

Are you still in school? Most schools have counselors that you can talk to. They may also be able to make your parents see how serious this is and get the help you need.

If you feel like harming yourself, please do as Anon Dunn has suggested and call the Suicide Hotline. And remember, we are here for you to vent to.

If you are in high school, your school will have a school counselor. Tell your homeroom teacher that you desperately need to talk to the counselor. She will see you one time on an emergency basis and then contact your family on your behalf to set up additional appointments. Counselors are well used to working with balky parents and can be quite persuasive in terms of getting you needed services.

If you are in college, your student health services will have counseling as a part of the service. Please do take advantage of it.

If you are an adult, contact your community's mental health agency.

Please try to hang in there. Things will change. That is inevitable. Most changes are for the better as long as you are working to get what you want.

Give yourself permission to do what it takes to survive. Walking out of the door is far better than hurting yourself. Identify your constellation of support--anyone whom you can reach out to for help and a listening ear. That might be a friend. It can be a phone call, a hot line. unfortunately no one is advocating for you right now. You will need to self-advocate. I sincerely hope you can.

Reaching out to those on the Board is a step in the right direction. Your parents are giving you no opportunities for voice (I mean that in the largest definition of the word, not necessarily literally). Find your voice. Identifying yourself as angry is a really good start, because you've asked yourself "How do I really feel?" And then answered honestly. I would guess you're also feeling trapped and powerless. You write intelligently. Can you use that intelligence to identify possible exit strategies (ways out of your current situation or possible ways to change it)?

Are you able to separate fact from opinion? What I mean by that is...are there reasons you are actually powerless or are there actions you can take independently to help yourself? Remember it's not your parents' messages/opinions that count here. Make sure your self talk isn't parroting anything they're telling you right now. I know it's really hard to do these things. Please try.

There's a saying that if you're around people who are inclined to hang you, make sure you don't give them any rope to do it. If you think they might try and sabotage your efforts to heal, don't include them in your plans.

As Saree suggested, there are places where you can go to get help yourself. Your parents clearly cannot be relied upon.

It sounds like you desperately need help to figure out how to stop seeing yourself through the eyes of your parents. You need to learn to love you for just being you.

You can love yourself, in spite of your parents' lack of support and concern and their judgemental love. Then you can say, "Hey, I'm sorry I'm not what you wanted, but that's not my problem. This is me, so deal with it."

It is hard to see right now, but you need to keep reminding yourself that you are right, and that you have somehow had the good fortune to see through it all and discover the truth. Do not blame or punish yourself for your parents' continued brainwashed ignorance.

I agree that you should find some counseling resources for yourself. You do NOT need your parents' permission for that.

It's very natural to be angry. When I finally left, I just want to punch Tommy Monson in his face...I was angry at being deceived and felt stupid and worthless. Remember that you are the one with the truth. You have your life. Your self worth is not tied to some man made religion...your self worth is because you are. Ironically the very teachings the Morg claims to uphold are the very ones they violate regularly. They are the modern day Pharisees that Judge men on their adherence to fake laws. You are a beautiful person...no matter what you chose to believe...just remember that.

Please go to the nearest hospital emergency room. You are precious. You will be treated with kindness. I smiled when you described yourself as an angry, bisexual, self-loathing, god hating atheist. The only thing wrong is the self-loathing part. For one thing, you are a fabulous writer. I am so glad you hit post message instead of delete. Your description of yourself could be my daughter minus the self-loathing part and she's amazing! Not an easy road for her either. I know there were times she didn't want to go on. She's smart like you. She stuck it out and now she's a nurse and has an apartment and literally 800 books and a nice social life. She nixed her last girl friend and is happy alone.

I lost my older daughter to suicide. Her situation was very different from yours. None of her problems were likely to get better. All the meds and therapy we would find seemed to make little difference and some of them had terrible side effects. Please never believe the lie that people would be better off without you. Sometimes the grief takes my breath away and it's been years. Your situation sounds very hard, but I think you can come to have a happy life. My younger daughter found an amazing community of women when she got to college. Your intelligence shines through in your writing. Get to college. I think your life will be all you can imagine. All the best.

The way you turned out is not their fault it YOUR triumph.

You were brave enough to face the truth
You have the integrity to feel angry at injustice and abuse
You are good enough inside to see darkness in others.
You are whole enough to embrace your sexuality when others have theirs twisted beyond recognition by the Morg.

Everything you wrote that you are beating yourself up for is the failures and evil in OTHERS. You have shown yourself courageous and strong beyond belief in not being dragged under by these unholy and impure people. I know it hurts - I can't even imagine how much - but please stop judging yourself by those peoples' standards. The rest of the world would see you as a survivor, brave and amazing. I agree with those who said to get away from your parents. You need to see yourself as you ARE, not through their confused, blind eyes. I'm a mother of a teenage girl and do you know how proud I am of her when she talks about how bad Joseph Smith is or how sick the church is to make you feel you should marry young and produce babies - the same things you feel? You aren't wrong - your parents are and you need to quit seeing yourself from their point of view. I'd be relieved and happy to have a daughter with your intelligence and insight. You are valuable - please reach out to someone who can help you see yourself as you ARE. You know Mormons are wrong and you don't want to live up to (or down to) their expectations.

You've hit it CA girl. That's all exactly so right.

I presume that they also thought you that it's not OK to feel anger. But it is okay. Sure it can be destructive if it's not controlled but it can be very empowering aswell. My advice is that you put this anger to good use. I know it's difficult to seek help when you are very depressed. Let that energy and determination that anger brings help you get through this anyway. If you have to curse every step of the way to keep going so be it.

Please don't kill yourself. Instead show them who's the boss of your life. That's you. They've screwed up enough already, now is your turn. Get that therapist they haven't provided. And seek all the help and support you need. Let, if nothing else is available, frustration motivate you to do what needs to be done.

Now you to make up your own mind about what you want to accept, believe, and pursue. It's your life.
It's Ok to let go of the old stuff and create your own world view.

It's fun to allow yourself to consider lots of different ideas and try them on for size and let it all evolve.

You are the captain of your ship. You decide where you are going !

I wasn't sure if I was going to come back to this post, partly because my dad tracks my Internet activity and I was worried he might figure out that this is me (now, honestly, I don't fucking care if he figures it out) but also because I was afraid that I would come back to this, reread my post, and want to bash my head into the keyboard for being so dramatic. But I am so, SO glad I read your guys' responses. It's so refreshing and strange and amazing to hear people saying kind things about me—especially the compliments toward my intelligence and my writing. I often feel like an idiot and a shitty writer, so you guys have no idea how much that means to me. And it really just feels wonderful to have my feelings and thoughts validated and accepted for once. I don't think I've ever felt that before.

To answer some of your questions, no, I am not in school, as my parents homeschooled me for my entire life—which is why my social skills are so pathetically laughable, and why I literally had one friend last year, whom I only knew on the Internet and now don't have any way of contacting. I don't have any friends in real life, nor have I ever, because I never get to leave my house (seriously, never. Bi-weekly trips to the grocery store and the occasional adventure out to the library. That's all I get.) And while I do have plenty of siblings, I can't talk to any of them about this because they don't understand it, and they get very uncomfortable when I bring up my opinions on anything, *especially* the church. Also, brefots, yes they did teach me that it was wrong to feel anger. They always told me as I was growing up to push away those feelings and let them go, as it would only hurt me in the long run to feel those things. Now I see how fucking backwards that was, because clearly it has done me a whole lot more damage to suppress and downplay all of my anger rather than dealing with it. I know it wasn't what they meant to do, but they only wound up teaching me that feeling emotion of any kind was not okay, nor was thinking/talking about yourself, which is why I always get so nervous before posting messages on these boards.

Anyway, I feel like my hands are honestly tied here, *but* I think the fabric is loosening. I'll be 18 next year, so I can officially move out then... with money that I don't have and have pretty much no way of obtaining. I've been thinking of getting a job, but I'm terrified to, because five hours (how long are part-time shifts anyway? I don't even know, I'm just guessing) is a *long time* to be around so many people. My social anxiety is bad enough when I'm around people I do know, but ten minutes with strangers and I'm ready to run home crying. I don't know how I'm going to work a part-time job if I can't handle stepping foot outside of my house without panicking. (I often feel like Boo Radley would be the one person in the world who could understand me entirely. Perhaps that will be my screen name if I ever make an actual account here.)

I have so many dreams floating around in my head, but I have no idea where to start with them... Well, I kind of do: first thing I have to do is get a therapist to teach me how to stand on my own feet. Kind of hard to do that when you're only seventeen and living at home with parents who can't be bothered to get you one. But if I ever do manage to get one, I then need to get a job... the problems with that are mentioned above. Then I need to save that money from the aforementioned job so I can move out and go to college somewhere, but I seldom if ever did my homework as a kid and I don't think I'd ever get in anywhere. (The best I am at math is 2+2. Then I'm out. And don't even think about asking me anything about American history or physics.) But after I move out, if I ever make it over *that* hurdle, I don't know what the hell I'll do with myself. How do you pay bills? How do you speak to people without crying? How do you listen to your pestering alarm in the mornings instead of throwing it out the window? And lastly, how the *hell* do taxes and car payments work?

Oh god, I don't know. I don't know what to do. I feel like I know exactly where I want to go, but I haven't the slightest fucking inkling how to get there. I need a map, but to get a map I must complete tasks A, B, and C, none of which I can do *without* the map. Gaaah.

This post is too long. Again, thank you guys for your responses. I feel a million times better after reading all of your support and advice, all of which I will definitely, definitely keep in mind. I feel like I can breathe again after saying what I feel and actually having people listen and understand. I know I still have a million miles to go with all of this, but the lack of suffocation is going to make it easier. I think I'll keep posting here, if I can get past the heart-fluttering fear I get every time I type in the website name (as I said, my dad sees everything I do on the Internet, and I seriously hope he isn't reading this. Perhaps I was too ambitious when I said before that I didn't care if he saw my post or not.)

I don't care if your father reads this part. He is a complete asshole and a complete failure as a parent. I don't know how your parents expect you to survive with no training whatsoever. They are definitely fucking MORmONS who deserve to go to jail for child abuse. This is definitely abuse.

I think you need to find one of us on this board who lives in your area that is willing to help you out once you move out. I hope there are some available (I am most likely not in your area). I recommend moving out AFTER you "graduate" from your home school. Having a high school diploma is really important in life. Please keep posting so we can make sure you are alright.

By the way, how is your internet usage tracked? If it is from the browser, which is most likely, you can use a private session (private window in firefox) which should eliminate tracking that way. A little knowledge goes a long way.

I think the hardest part of all this is that I know my parents love me and my siblings and they TRULY think they are doing the best they can. That's what breaks my heart, not for myself but for them. They honestly thought that they were doing a good thing by raising us in the church, and they still think so. They have no idea that it's all a lie made up by some prick who wanted money and justification to sexually abuse tons of women. It's so frustrating and hard to try and talk to them, because they are completely incapable of understanding. I love them so much and they have really amazing qualities about them, but they're so blinded and brainwashed that they can't see all of the horrible pain their kids are going through. It's not just me who is depressed and intensely lonely, it's my entire fucking family, parents included. We're all stuck in a pit of depression and anger and none of us know how to get out. But I feel like my parents should be the ones to get us out, because they're our *parents.* They should move us to a new town because they know how much we hate this one, they should do their damnedest to provide a decent house for us because, again, they know we hate this one, and they should do everything they can to make sure we're as happy as we can possibly be. But like I said, they're depressed and brainwashed, which is a lethal combination and it's stopping them from being able to do their job as parents. I don't know if they deserve to go to jail—I know it definitely sounds like they do, but they really are very kind and loving people, especially my mother, who has apologized about how much I've been hurt by the church and said she honestly didn't know that any of it was happening. But the thing is, even though they're generally good and loving people, they're also children. They don't know how to deal with the depression that has swallowed up our house, so they just aren't. They're leaning on the support of "Heavenly Father" who, news flash, has done absolutely NOTHING to help us make it out of the terrible lives we've all been living for the past six years.

Aaaaaagh. I'm trying so hard not to cry right now because my sisters are in the room, but I'm just finally realizing now that it's not my fault that I've been locked up in the house for so long. It's not because I'm too lazy to go out and do something. It's because my parents aren't giving me the opportunity to do anything. Oh, god. That's really hard for me to admit. I guess I've never let go of the childish fantasy that my parents are perfect and faultless and always know what to do. I just always thought that even if things were really, really bad like they are now, I'd be able to lean on my mom. But now I don't know if I can. I still don't think I can blame her, because she had a very abusive and dark childhood and I don't think she's ever really dealt with it as she should have, and I feel bad for her. But I guess I have a right to be angry at her for not being an adult, because she's my mother and it's her job as my mother to be a fucking adult. I know that she's always wanted children and a loving family of her own, since she never got to have one growing up, but she was a child herself when she got married and had kids. My parents hadn't even been out in the world on their own for more than three or four years before they married, and I don't think they had any idea how hard it would be. I've always wondered if my parents' marital and parenting problems came from starting too young, but now I know for sure that's what it is. They never grew up, they never figured out how to be adults. The church must fucking love that kind of thing, because then the parents unintentionally make the kids turn out to be stunted and scared and entirely dependent on the church. They feel like they can't leave TSCC, because they wouldn't know how to function without it. GOD. This is all so fucked up.

This is the most intense and strange and horrifying feeling I've ever felt. I'm finally realizing that I've been blaming myself all these years for things that my parents should've been responsible for. It's not my fault that I don't know how to function properly; it's my parents' fault for not teaching me how to do that without the church. It's not my fault that I'm terrified of the tiniest little things like being outside where other people can see me; it's my parents' for homeschooling me and then having my only form of socialization be a church that I wasn't accepted in—though now it's nothing, because I haven't gone to church in the three years. It's not my fucking fault that I'm so lost and lonely and insecure; it's my parents' fault. It's my parents' fault, it's my parents' fault, it's my parents' fault.

God. I don't know what to say or think about this. Just... wow. It's like looking up and suddenly seeing that the sky is actually purple.

Okay, to answer your question, my Internet usage is tracked by the router, so he can see what everyone else in the house does too. I don't think there's really a way around it, but I'm just trying to pretend it doesn't exist. If he sees all of this, then fine, I don't care. This isn't about him, for once this is about me. I need to do this for me. I need to talk to people who can actually help me and make me realize that I shouldn't have been hating myself for all of this bullshit my parents did. Maybe if he sees this he'll finally realize that he needs to stop sitting around waiting for God to fix things. HE needs to fix things. This is his FAMILY. He needs to provide for us, emotionally and financially and in every other way possible. Going to church every Sunday and building a separate fucking driveway so you can be in the district of a ward you like isn't going to make your children happy. Taking care of them will. Loving them will. Supporting them will. Making them feel like they're loved will, rather than making them feel like worthless nuisances that don't even deserve to have their basic needs met. Thank you so much for posting this Anon Dunn, you've made me see everything in a whole new light. I will definitely keep posting here. Sorry this post is so long as well, I tend to talk for a long time once I get going, lol.

You are right. Anger not expressed turns inward. I know that from my own experience.

I am obese and I'm pretty convinced that I'm just eating at my anger. I've turned it inward.

I think anger is better expressed. One of course cannot get out-of-control. Otherwise, they find themselves in anger management class.

But I do think that there are some healthy ways to stand up for ourselves. We just need to learn how to do that.

Yes, I do definitely need to learn that. I've always been mousy and quiet and virtually opinionless (not a word, but I'm using it anyway.) Standing up for myself is something that I've never done before. Maybe once or twice when my dad would say something that just really pissed me off and I couldn't resist but tell him to shut up, but that's it. I do need to learn how to stand up for myself, because clearly not being able to doesn't help anybody or anything.

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. It is frustrating when you feel like you don't have power in your own life.

Do you think your parents would let you go to therapy if you find your own therapist? There are many mental health organizations that work on a sliding scale payment. For instance, I have a family member who is a counselor at a Catholic Charities run program. People pay what they can to be helped there. And you don't have to be Catholic to get help there. In fact, my family member isn't and he works there. It would be great if you could find someplace like that and if your parents would let you go. Not sure how you would find one - maybe an online search or calling your local health department.

You mentioned in your post that you were bisexual. Another option would be to see if there is a LBTQ group in your area that could help. If you live far from a bigger city, this might not be an option. I know the group in my city has a special chapter that is just for LBTQ youth and their friends/supporters. Your local group might be able to point you toward a therapist is both affordable and sensitive to your needs.

I know you said you are an atheist, but another option might be to talk to the pastor of a church - like a Methodist, Presbyterian, or Unitarian church. Pastors in mainstream denominations actually have to go to seminary (real seminary, not what Mormons call it) and learn the counsel people. Many of them are great at helping or pointing you to other sources of help. Of course you may not be comfortable with this route since you are an atheist and I can certainly understand why, but if you run out of other options, it is something to think about.

Finally, keep the suicide hotline number listed above handy. Even if you aren't actually suicidal, their volunteers can provide a great listening ear and might be able to direct you to other resources.

Hang in there.