I started the story here:

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1368637,1368637#msg-1368637


I have been wanting to tell my decision but I have not wanted to think through all the details now that it is done. I'll try to make it very simple.

Two days after my RfM post I told my husband about the pregnancy. He came over immediately and asked if I would take a test for him and I, of course, said yes.

He was so happy and exited that he was finally going to be a father. He is older than me, loves children, and has wanted his own for a long time.

He asked me what I wanted to do and I had no intention of hiding my thoughts. I told him right then that I was thinking about abortion. He told me he didn't think I could ever do that and if I kept the baby we would work it out however I wanted. He said he would do ANYTHING if I didn't have an abortion.

He needed to go to work so we decided he would come back over that night to talk more. I asked him not to tell anyone during the day but he was so over the moon that despite my considerations he told just about everyone he knew, including my parents.

That night there were many tears shed on my part. We played out some scenarios. I asked him if I ended up getting an abortion if he still would have wanted to know and he said yes. That made me feel the smallest bit better because I knew if I had an abortion I should save him a world of hurt by never telling him I was pg but I also knew that there was the smallest possibility that I could change my mind and I thought he deserved to know. If I had an abortion and didn't tell him I would always wonder if I would have made a different decision had I told him.

Anyway. I made it clear that I did not want to be alone, at least while pregnant. I wanted him to stay the night that night and he wouldn't. He had lived with me mere weeks before and now he said it was my fault we were in this position because I kicked him out. I am not a clincy person like I was that night. He knew it was clear that I needed him with me in this beginning stage when I was so confused. He told me I could come to his place but I had never been there and I was anxious and he was ready to go straight to sleep and I knew I would be up for hours with nowhere to move around and nothing to do but freak out while feeling alone and uncomfortable.

How could I be asked to make so many sacrifices but he didn't even have to stay that first night with me? As I clung to him and cried and begged him to stay, he walked away. I sent him a text after he left saying I wanted an abortion for the exact example of tonight. He cared about the baby, not me, and I wasn't going to be put in the position over and over where I needed him and he could leave without a care.

The text upset him and he missed work the next day. I am a sucker and asked to go over to his place to talk. When I went over he told me he couldn't handle losing his child and (because I am a softie) I told him I wouldn't have an abortion. I know how much he wants a child and that was the only thing I was holding onto when trying to convince myself of my decision over and over.

I didn't stay over that night but I did the next night. It was a disaster. I couldn't sleep. That meant my husband couldn't sleep. I ended up crying myself to sleep in the early hours of the morning. I was exhausted. I had to work late the next night so I stayed at my place. I slept amazingly. I tried to stay over with him the next night but I couldn't fall asleep and was getting upset over him not even underingstanding my fears or trying to talk about what I thought were problems, so I went home.

We didn't talk the next day. Even though I told him over and over that I wanted comfort and support, he wasn't getting it. I know I didn't give him much of a chance but I know how he is. I have made so many sacrifices when I knew it was wrong or going against my gut because I love him and I thought it would get better. In this case, that might be true. He would change if I had a baby. But did I want a man that saw so many flaws in me and had so many complaints but kept his mouth shut NOW because I had his child? Could I risk thinking everything would be okay when a child was on the line?

I spelled it out for him after some miscommunication that we needed to talk so I could vent what problems and concerns I saw and he finally realized what I was getting at and agreed. Then I found out he told my parents that I wanted an abortion. He wouldn't talk to me about how I was feeling but he had no problem spilling all my drama to my parents? I told him yet again that I wanted an abortion (this was in the few days after I had left his place without staying the night because I couldn't sleep). He called me selfish and said our baby had a heartbeat and he knew I would never do that.

Well. He didn't talk to me and I didn't try to talk to him for the next week! The only time he had come to me was the first day he found out I was pg and the few times I saw him after that I had to go to him. Nice that he could avoid the fact that I was pregnant and I couldn't. He made no fight for the one thing he really wanted in life, nor made any effort to prove this situation could work. My mom saw him on Sunday (Oh yeah, my jack mo husband started going back to church full time now that I was pregnant because god gave him the greatest gift-- I certainly didn't see it that way-- and wanted our child all up in TSCC too!) and my mom told him to go over that afternoon and talk to me. She called it his last ditch effort. No surprise, he didn't. I had a surgical abortion the next day. I went in at 10:00 a.m. and I was done by 1:00 p.m. I was 6 weeks and 4 days. The baby would have been due on my upcoming birthday.

Up until that point it was clear my choices were:
A) Have the baby and give it away to my husband and have little to no part in it's life while he raised it mormon and probably raised it in a shitty trailer and sent it to daycare with god knows who the majority of the day.
B) Have the baby and have split custody. I would do all the dirty work during the day while my "husband" made a "living" that I would have to rely off of. He would still probably have weekends and take the child to church.
C) Have the baby and get back together with my husband. He would move into my brand new house and take half control over it which would mean completely destroying it. I would still being doing all the dirty work while relying on his work ethic and he would still raise the child at least half mormon. I would also be cleaning after him and a baby, cooking for him and feeding a baby, and basically have no life and a baby constantly along with a husband that I didn't get along with before and stated my opinion about such above ^^ To add, he is very manipulative and controlling and doesn't trust a word I say about anything. He has a lot of issues and has never had any real relationship. I became miserable trying my best to deal with him and never being good enough during our marriage.

Of course, none of these scenarios took into account or fixed the fact that I DO NOT WANT TO BE PREGNANT OR HAVE A BABY. I absolutely do not want to push a child out of me or have it cut out of me!! I know that I am perfectly capable of caring for a child. But that does not mean that I want to or that I don't have other hopes or dreams that I would be held back from or that I would be a good, loving mother that is prepared to do everything necessary to raise a child to adulthood.

It also doesn't mean that I wouldn't give a shit if I just handed it to my husband and never looked back. I wouldn't do all that pregnancy work for nothing.

People have babies because they want to. Because they are ready and because they want that connection with a child and a lover. I am not ready. I do not want a child. I don't know if I want that connection. I feel like my husband should have wanted a connection with me for me and not because I am pregnant. I don't know if I want to put in all the work it means to raise a child. I don't want it to have a life like mine. When in doubt.. Why shouldn't the opposite reasoning for having a baby be good enough to not have a baby? I think it is selfish either way and you can only make the decision that is best for you knowing what you are willing to deal with in your life at any point.

Ten minutes after the abortion I felt completely fine. I took a nap on the way home. My husband text me that night for the first time in a week and asked if I was still pregnant. I tried to let him down easy. I told him I got an ultra sound pic (which I got just for him) and he told me he wanted it. He came and got it the next day. He was visibly upset and left right after. I tired to text him and he said we had nothing to talk about. He quit his job two days later to get something more away from me. I haven't really had a conversation with him since but I have seen him twice for about five minutes each time when he stopped by to pick up some of his possessions. It has been 10 days since the abortion now and that has been about it.

I don't regret my decision but I feel bad that I hurt him and he doesn't get to have a child like he wanted for a long time. For a few days after the abortion I would have moments where I would still worry or think about what I was going to do before realizing/remembering that I wasn't pregnant anymore. Obviously things would be different if I were still pregnant. Things were going to be different in my life no matter what once I found out I was pregnant. I am glad I made a definite decision that I can't keep changing or taking back or thinking over because I would be doing that for nine months. This decision was my first thought and what I wanted from the very beginning and it is tough at times (any decision would be tough and my other options would probably have been more difficult in the long run even if they had some good times or "blessings" attached) but I am glad I got to choose what was right for me and go through with it and that makes me feel much better. It is all over now. I didn't want to get back with my husband and I am not going to. I am fine or good or whatever with us getting a divorce. I gave us a chance and now I am getting out after a short while without wasting years away. Lesson learned. Everything is going back to how it was a month ago after we split, which is what I wanted all along. It sucks that life had to add in this month of babyness to deal with but I am 22 years old and I don't feel guilty. I will get through it and it will all work out in the long run.

Laugh. Love. Live.

That was a lot. THE END.

You did the right thing. I know it must have been a very difficult decision.

I hope you get all the support you deserve in making this very difficult choice.

It sounds as if you have been more than fair to this man. You gave him input and an opportunity to step up, and he failed to do what you told him was necessary. His failure is not yours; he made the same choice as you through his inaction and inattentiveness.

I wish you well in your life. You have a very long time ahead of you, and it seems as if you know how to take care of yourself. That's a valuable skill.

Wow, you have been through so much! You had some hard decisions to make and it's good that you chose what was best for you.

Be sure to take care of yourself physically and emotionally.

Best of luck. :-)

I dont think I could handle the situation as well as you did.

A very long time ago I was 21 and divorcing my RM husband.

If i'd been pregnant during that time, I don't know what i'd have done.

In hind sight, I would have been happy if i'd made the decision that you did. Having him in my life for the rest of my life would have been hell for me and my child. He was very much as you described your soon to be ex. He would have made our life a living hell. That was 40 years ago. The future is now our past. He would have been a lousy excuse for a father. I would have been the best mother I could be, but miserable about my circumstances.

You absolutely did the right thing. No one is entitled to use your body to produce a child that only they want.

I really shouldn't have a view on abortion, mainly because I have no dog in that race.

HOWEVER!

I will say that you did was exactly what is right for you, right now. You need to worry about you right now. Not sure what do suggest about that husband of yours, but that's a different topic for a different day.

You were in a really tough place, especially for someone your age. This man was not someone with whom any woman should raise a child, but you already knew that. I hope that you find peace and happiness in life.

My (now-ex) husband and I had been married for 5 1/2 years (and I had been off birth control for about 3 years) when I finally found out that I was pregnant. I was both thrilled and terrified, which I think many first-time mothers are.

When I told my husband (whose ONLY God was money, then and now), his initial reaction was "We can't AFFORD a baby now!" WHOA! This was a surprise. He had been the one who wanted me to go off birth control.

While I am, and always have been pro-choice, this was not an abstraction. This was MY baby! A part of me! A part of my lineage! (Not to mention my husband's as well.) Shocked to tears by his reaction, I quavered, "Do you want me to get an abortion?" he said, "Well, I guess not. We'll just have to make do."

Sheesh. I earned more than the average American college-educated male does, and my husband earned easily three times what I did. We had excellent medical coverage. No way would we had to "make do."

Our son was born healthy, thank goodness, and while I did virtually all the work of raising him (my husband did not believe he should have to get involved, but insisted I hustle right back to work 7 weeks after the baby was born, to keep that money rolling in!) we all survived.

But it was a very shocking moment when I thought my husband was proposing that I have an abortion when we had wanted a baby for THREE YEARS. And suddenly, that baby was a reality. I will never forget how sick I felt, for those few moments, when I thought that's what he was telling me to do.

(When I look at my handsome son and his beautiful daughters, I have NO regrets!)

In your case, it sounds like abortion was the only reasonable thing to do. In my case, it sounded like and WAS - a frivolous and selfish spur-of-the-moment whim. I'm glad I ignored it.

((((HUGS))) darlin'.

I had an abortion in my early 20's. It was absoutely the right thing to do, but it still haunts me to this day. I'm in my 50's. Be aware of "anniversaries" like the baby's due date that can trigger unexpected sadness. (Your birthday? Really?? How awful!)

For the rest of your life you will probably scan children on playgrounds, who are about the age your baby would have been, and wonder "what if." You made the right choice for you but I just need to warn you about those weird moments of regret that might smack you on the side of the head like a 2-by-4 at random moments.

You seem strong and focused. Good luck with the rest of your life sweetie.

;o)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/26/2014 08:41AM by shannon.

I respect your right to have an abortion and I have nothing to add about your decision

but

were you aware of how people get pregnant? was there some major difficulty getting contraception? did your method fail?


Because, although I support a womans right to abortion, I really get p'd off when people use 'crossed fingers' as a contraceptive, and then get surprised at the emotional cost afterwards

Ain't none of your business

It's really none of your business. Even if it was, do you really think people who "cross their fingers" are ready to become parents?



OP, it sounds like you made the right choice for yourself.It's pretty sick he went around telling everyone you were pregnant.

When I was 19, I was engaged to a psychopath. A few weeks after we split up, my period was way late and I was terrified because I didn't want any connection to that nutbag. I knew that if I was pregnant, I would have to make the choice I made 5 years later to avoid being tied to another psychopath.

We have to make the best decisions for ourselves, even when it hurts other people.

I had the same thought, that it was manipulative for him to go around telling everyone you were pregnant. I don't believe for a second that it was because he just couldn't contain his excitement.

>EssexExMo wrote:
"Because, although I support a womans right to abortion, I really get p'd off when people use 'crossed fingers' as a contraceptive, and then get surprised at the emotional cost afterwards"


RIGHT, because we all live our lives so as not to piss YOU off.

sorry, I can't participate in the hugfest.

+ 1

+1

here's the issue with me, if it's a private decision and no one's opinions matter then keep it to yourself. If you throw it out there and only expect to get hugs you are delusional. Sorry I won't get into a hug fest because someone was irresponsible. Don't want to birth something then please go get your tubes tied. It's not a hard procedure, recovery is fairly quick and it's far safer than an abortion. Until you do something to permanently prevent pregnancy don't have sex that is the only way to prevent pregnancy and don't give me this crap about how people need to have sex, they have these things called vibrators and they give amazing orgasms. I think I am done with this place. Sorry I will not glorify abortion, being raped is one thing but willingly having se and then whining about getting pregnant and wanting hugs is fucking pathetic. . It is wrong, it has nothing to do with religion, it has to do with respect for life and being sick and tired of whining pathetic irresponsible woman and men who can't keep their minds off fucking. You people make me sick. Oh and those saying beware of anniversaries, ding ding ding that is guilt honey, I don't feel bad for you, it's what you get.

You do know that sometimes birth control fails, right?

-Condoms break.
-People miss a pill, or take other medication (like antibiotics) that make them stop working.
-And some people are so amazingly fertile that nothing seems to work. I have know some people with that issue. They could use two very effective methods and STILL get pregnant. (I think they have employed a permanent solution).

I feel sad for you.

roslyn Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> +1
>
> here's the issue with me, if it's a private
snip
> I don't feel bad for you, it's what you get.




I feel bad for you. No matter what you've done you don't have to be this mean and vicious to someone who has just been through a difficult situation. Nobody deserves that judgement and indignation. I feel physically sick after reading your comment.

I think your comment is really about yourself. You are just looking for some justifiable reason to lash out at someone. You are ignorant. You are wrong about this. You are insensitive. You aren't a terrible person but what you said is terrible. What's sad is that you probably are that mean and cruel to yourself too.

... aren't you the little a**hole!

You did the right thing, Phase. Wish more people would give the matter more thought as you did.

Timothy

How many people participating in this hugfest are actually mothers. Not many is my guess.

Poor choices created a sad situation all around.

My friends from high school who had abortions still feel the guilt, especially after starting a family.

Be smart!

...before speculating further.

Every parent is the perfect parent. Just ask 'em, they'll tell ya!

Off-spring, on the other hand, often relate an altogether different story.

Having been on the other side of the coin - that being one of five kids who weren't wanted - I can tell you that if I knew what my parents (so-called) were getting me into, I would have declined their not-so-generous offer.

My folks didn't have any option, at least not a safe and legal one. My eldest sibling was a mistake which forced my folks to marry under shotgun conditions. They learned early on that when the novelty of one grand-baby wore off, they could just crank out another to kept their folks at bay. Things fell apart when mom had to have her plumbing yanked, so they turned to the cult to raise their kids.

Phase obviously wasn't sure that she wanted the kid. Her situation is obviously not all that great. I salute her for making a decision that, one way or the other, would effect her for the rest of her life. In the end, the decision she made will effect only her, so kindly mind your own business.

My mom actually asked me about it. "How would you feel if I had aborted you?" she sternly demanded. My answer? "Don't think I'd know the difference, Mom."

As for the hubby, sorry he doesn't get to live-out his little fantasy, but if its so important to him, let him do all the work.

So why don't you try that other side of the coin? Ya know, see how much fun it is.

Phase did the right thing.

Timothy

Oh. My. Gosh. Wow.

This was a tough situation, but you did the right thing. Hope you can move on comfortably from here. Best to you.

That is so incredibly brave to share your story. Pople don't realize everything that a woman is faced with when it comes to unwanted pregnancy.

Stories like these can speak through the callous shell of bigotry that "pro-lifers" have. I've been surprised to see that there are still people who have left the church yet maintain these narrow views rooted in misogyny.

It's your life. It's your body. You made the right choice. It sounds like that would have just been the beggining of a long, long saga of being tied to a messed up individual.That guy is not well. He most certainly doesn't have any empathy.

When this subject comes up in the public sphere or when people are just talking about it in general, just know that any comment made where they are shaming the decision, if you even feel the tiniest bit of indignation, its just because they are ignorant. They haven't taken the time to really, really think about it. They have just been insulated away from anything they don't agree with. They haven't put a face to the issue. They haven't met you. They haven't heard your story. If they hear your story and they still disagree. Then don't sweat it. they disagree because they are a crappy person.

Please, please, please make sure that you get some good, professional, reliable post-abortion counselling though. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through what you've been through. In my work I often see women who have had abortions and regardless of circumstance it is best to see and talk through the experience now rather than later.
I didn't read your first post, so have no idea where you are with faith, religion etc, but I'll be praying in my way for your better future and healing from the relationship with your husband.
Tori
x

I understand your right to abort a child.

that however, will not leave you without consequences or detractors. What you have done, albeit the best thing for YOU, will haunt you, as it does nearly every woman who does it.

I watched the movie "this is where I leave you" last night.

It was funny and well acted. However it left me with an icky feeling: all of the characters eventually indulge is selfish behavior and not one is able to do what is the morally right thing to do. I do not know you other than your post, and from it I gather that you were thinking of your self first. Don't be surprised by the consequences this attitude brings you in life. I ache for your husband and for the child that lost his/her life to make your easier.