DH's very TBM parents have been shunning us since leaving TSCC 2 years ago. We used to have a very good relationship with his parents and siblings but since telling them about our disbelief we hardly ever see them or talk to them anymore. Their behavior is very passive-aggressive, they obviously mistreat & shun us in front of other family members but when we try to talk with them about it they deny the behavior. We recently tried talking with his parents about the impact their behavior has had on our children and they not only denied it but became angry and defensive. It was the last straw for us. We have given up trying to maintain a relationship with them, but we are still torn about if we should still send gifts. We still love and care about them very much and wish the relationship could be better, but we are seeing that they do not have unconditional love and respect for us. So, would you send a Christmas/Birthday gift at this point?

A lump of coal?

I feel the reward in giving a gift is in the giving and not that you expect something in return. That being said, how about a family photo or just a Christmas card?

Gifts are not always about how much money you spend. Shutterfly.com and Walgreens.com has gifts you can make from family photos. I had calendars made at Walgreens.com and reusable shopping bags made at Shutterfly.com. Each site requires that you up load photos. I was very happy with the way the gifts turned out.

Note: If you use scanned in photos, you may have to choose small pictures because of the resolution. I scanned in old photos for the calendars, but couldn't use them for a full page picture.

If you still love them and want a relationship, how about at least something simple like the suggestions dk gave above. Take the higher road...

Agree with above poster.

I'd just send a card.

only you can decide.

Best advice I ever receive, after my divorce 19 years ago.

"Do the right things, for the right reasons..not for the expected results or outcomes...doing right has it's own rewards".

The guy wasn't mormon; it still is the best counsel and guidance I have ever received. As a director of over 150 people, I still utilize this advice, daily.

Please, take it for what it is worth.

Regards,

Mike

No. Don't reward poor behavior. It appears that you have tried to reach out to them only to be rejected. Stop doing that. You have made the effort, the ball is in their court. Let them initiate contact and/or interaction from here on out. Focus your efforts on your own immediate family and kids. Life is too short worry about, and deal with, toxic relationships.

+100000000000000000

Here's what I would do. I'd make a donation to something like World Vision or Adopt a Native Elder or the American Red Cross. Nothing controversial that they would read something into nor something like the BYU general scholarship fund, which would be pandering to them. Then I'd send them a simple photo card saying a donation in your name has been made to ...

That way, they can't complain you didn't get them anything, look like jerks if they do complain and don't get anything for themselves. Most importantly, your gift money goes to someone who will appreciate you and not treat you like trash.

I agree with CA girl..a charity gift is a good idea. Either a donation or how about one of those " Unwrapped " gifts from Oxfam or World Vision. A chicken only costs around $10 but there are heaps of gifts to choose from.

I would do my research and look for a book about unconditional love. Even better send a wall hanging with a quote about loving your family unconditionally. I'm terrible about coming up with one myself, but you get the idea.

I agree with the posters above who suggested that photos are nice, thoughtful gifts, and can be given very inexpensively now.

Ummm, NO.

I think the family photo is a great idea. Subtly remind them of the family they are missing out on. It might help them come around, but if not, don't worry about it. Just be polite and stick to your guns.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/22/2013 03:32AM by enoughenoch19.

Photos, a note about what the kids are doing, (so they can see that life goes on without them)and the mandatory love bomb fruit cake! Rum optional.

Yes, send them a DVD of Jeffrey R Holland being interviewed by John Sweeney of the BBC, during which Holland explains categorically that Mormons do not shun.

i disagree w/the people recommending some sort of generic gift, family picture, charitable donation, etc.

Relationships, family or otherwise, are about RELATING to and with someone on many levels.

I think giving ANY gift when the TBM parents give NO love, caring, and respect back just encourages their behavior. Life is too short for someone to nurture a toxic relationship, especially when young kids are involved...

Photo. Always appropriate.

Definitely give them a gift.

If you're worried about what to do about sending one, imagine all the mind games they will have to go through in not responding.

Show them how much you love them, and it might just break the ice.

"Definitely give them a gift.

If you're worried about what to do about sending one, imagine all the mind games they will have to go through in not responding.

Show them how much you love them, and it might just break the ice."


I will break down why I disagree w/this sentiment. Just my opinion that's all..

"If you're worried about what to do about sending one, imagine all the mind games they will have to go through in not responding."

With all the mind-games played in the past, it is time for the OP to disengage, focus on his/her family and the relationships that are important to him/her. Spending emotional capital on a toxic family relationship is draining; emotionally, mentally, and eventually physically. I know this from experience.


"Show them how much you love them, and it might just break the ice."

They have already done that in the past and were shunned/ignored. That's a bad dynamic and an example to have your kids around. It is time for the OP to show how much he/she loves his/her immediate family by not engaging in a relationship that offers nothing in return.


Just my 2 cents

What would be the point?
Be genuine vs. responding to expectations.

PS: equating stuff to love (gotta give them stuff) may be what we have been reduced to, but it is nuts.

I think parents are over rated anyway. We spend so much time and energy to try and appease people that we are related to, when they don't want to talk to us and we don't want to talk to them. If you have family it works with, great. But for the others, I would say invest your time and money into a quality friendship. IMO, there is a high opportunity cost to try and build/keep phony/shallow relationships out of nothing more than a feeling of obligation due to a blood relationship.

Then again, that might be a bit cold. If you do still really care about them, go with what dk said.

No, for a different reason Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I think parents are over rated anyway. We spend
> so much time and energy to try and appease people
> that we are related to, when they don't want to
> talk to us and we don't want to talk to them. If
> you have family it works with, great. But for the
> others, I would say invest your time and money
> into a quality friendship. IMO, there is a high
> opportunity cost to try and build/keep
> phony/shallow relationships out of nothing more
> than a feeling of obligation due to a blood
> relationship.

Excellent.

And "being cold" is much maligned.
People say it like it is a bad thing.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/22/2013 08:15AM by zenjamin.

yes, if it's a dead fish wrapped in a newspaper

It's too much like the TBMs who give exmos Christmas subscriptions to Friend and Ensign.

Either give something you think they might like or skip it.

If 'it's the thought that counts,' then that shows real thoughtfulness. If you've been out of contact for a while, isn't there someone close to them, a sibling or not, who knows their current interests, hobbies, needs. If the gift really fits (and this is the gist of Emerson's essay on "Gifts") then it IS a gift of love. Emerson's essay is worth pondering:

http://www.authorama.com/essays-second-series-10.html

He says flowers and fruit are always fitting. Going deeper, know the person's needs and get something that meets them. Next to necessity, give something "that which properly belong(s) to his character and [is] easily associated with him in thought." Don't give trinkets, even valuable ones, that are simply "apologies for gifts." "The only gift is a portion of thyself" = give something that you have made...

Interesting essay.

"He drew a circle that shut me out —
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But Love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle that took him in!"

I probably would send a gift. Not anything special, but something nice.

A coffee maker.

I wouldn't.

Why would you reward that sort of behaviour and treatment of you?

It tells them they can go right ahead and continue it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/22/2013 09:03AM by Greyfort.