Hi. I'm in a really bad place at the moment. :( Many of you will be aware of this scenario. In a couple of months I'm going to be given my mission papers to fill in, but I really, really, really do not want to go. I'm just so nervous about it all.

This will sound very stupid to never-mo's. You'll probably be thinking "Just say no", but as exmormons will know, it's really not that simple. If I don't go on a mission, literally everybody in my life will hate me. I used to have a lot of non-mormon friends, but they've all dispersed off to University, whilst I stayed at home with my parents and I've been working for a year to save money for my mission, even though I don't want to go.

Basically, I was just wondering, do any of you have any ideas of how I can get out of this situation without being borderline abandoned by everybody I know? I've thought of a few options, but they're all very difficult to pull off:

1. Fail the medical tests. I think this would be a good option, because if you fail them, it's not your fault. People will think that I genuinely wanted to go, and hopefully my parents won't be too upset about it. Although knowing a lot of mormons, many of them will say that I failed my medical tests because I've been sinning or whatever. However, do any of you know any possible way that I can fail the health tests without drastically harming myself? Is there any way I can fake an extremely high blood pressure or something? Or is there any way that I can fake low blood-sugar levels, or something like that?

2. Fail the Stake President's interview. I've already been interviewed by my Bishop, and he'll definitely force me to go, but I was thinking, is there any way that I can get the Stake President to not let me go? So that I can pretend I really want to go, but I can't, because the Stake President won't let me, and then my parents will be upset at the SP, not at me? Again, this is more difficult than it seems. I could pretend I've been fornicating or something, but then he'd tell my parents about it, and that would be far from ideal. Ideally I could do something so the SP thinks I'm "not ready" for a mission. Do you have any ideas?

3. Leave home. This would be the most effective solution tbh. If I could just leave one day, without telling anybody. I could remove myself from this whole life. Yes, it would upset my parents, and everybody in my ward will hate me, but if I could just leave in an instant, without giving anybody any prior warning, I wouldn't have to deal with all the hatred from everybody. :( Again, problems with this are that I have no money, so I'd be homeless. I would try and organize to move in with someone I'm friends with, except I don't have any friends anymore. :( I've started taking the lottery, just incase I'm really lucky, and I win, because then I'd just be able to buy an appartment somewhere and leave that way, but otherwize I think this is impossible for now.

Do any of you have any other suggestions? Were any of you in a situation like me? Did you manage to get out of it, or were you forced to go in the end? Did any of you just say "no", and if you did, how did you cope with all the hatred afterwards? Did your mormon relatives still continue to support you, or did they basically disown you?

Sorry this all sounds so pathetic and desperate. I'm just really frightened about what I could be doing this time next year, and I genuinely have nobody I can talk to about this. :(

I just said no - absolutely under no circumstances was I ever going to serve a mission.

Luckily, I had more or less supportive parents - they were hurt, of course, but didn't hate me for it.

Good luck to you - you'll need it!

Thanks for your reply.

Yeah, it's really difficult for me to say no. My mum said that me wanting to go on a mission is one of the best things to ever happen to her. She keeps going on about how I'm one of her greatest successes in life, and how me going on a mission would bless the family so much. As much as my parents are putting me in horrible situations like this, I do love them, and it would literally break my mum's heart if I told her I didn't want to go on a mission. I don't think I'd be able to bear it. :(

And everybody in my ward in general. Like some of the Relief Society sisters have already started preparing a leaving party for me. They're all really excited, and keep going on about how they taught me in primary and they're so proud to see me about to go on a mission. They'd be really furious if I didn't go. :(

I never went on a mission, but when I told my parents I didn't want to go, I was lucky enough to have them tell me that while they would love it if I went, ultimately it was completely up to me, and that whatever decision I made about it, they would support and love me.

As I said, I got very lucky. Unfortunately, most of the time if a young man doesn't go on a mission for whatever reason, even if it's medical, that he must've sinned somehow, even if that's the farthest thing from the truth.

I know it may not be an option for you at all, but my advice would be to tell them you don't want to go. Even if it's just saying you don't think you're ready. Sometimes, even when hit with news like that, parents can be really loving and supportive. Obviously since I have no idea what your parents and family are like, I can't say for sure how they'll react.

Ultimately though, you are an adult, and therefore can make your own choices. It may come with some sacrifice, but to me, just letting them know that you aren't ready to go is perfectly reasonable.

I hope my post is at least a little bit helpful. I'm sure there are other people on this board that can provide better insight, but your post really struck a chord with me and I wanted to give you my opinion.

I can't think of an easier way out than to say no. Any of the other options you posted require lying, manipulation or running away. There is i time in everyones life that they have to choose thier own destiny and face the fallout from loved ones who may not approve. I don't mean to be a downer but sometimes you have to take a beating to be yourself. On the plus side when you do take that beating you also learn alot about yourself and earn a better grasp on your identity.

Most likely schooling. I would tell people that you don't feel you are quite ready and want to go to school for a year or two first.

Then find a relatively inexpensive school with a relatively inexpensive place to live that is far enough away from home, but not too far. If you have to take out student loans, they can be a wonderful excuse to not serve a mission, since, fine upstanding young man that you are, you would not want to default on a loan.

It's The StalkerDog™ spirit but they don't hafta know that.

You don't know why, you can't figure it out, but the spirit is telling you EVER so strongly not to go. You been prayin about it, I mean you been praying yer head off about it, and all the spirit will tell you is that you SO must not go.

No, no, NO, in answer to the next question, it is NOT Satan or Lucifer or whomever, hey, if they think you'd be so easily swayed by the devil then you gots no bizness going on no mission anyway, right?

How I wish I'd have shown more spine!

I buckled and was gone for a couple months. Initially, I figured D&C was right: witness comes after the trial of faith.

Well, I was faithful and got no witness. Returned home after 2 months of pure misery.

What I wouldn't give to tell them

"I'm not going because the church isn't true!"
"Moroni 10:3-5 failed."
"God wanted a convicted conman to found his church?"

They say walking around in magic underwear hassling people about your invisible friends isn't something sane people do. It started to drive me insane.

You could fail your worthiness interview: if you really want to solve a short-term problem by creating a long-term one.

But don't! Bear this load now, before it grows. Leaving the church now let's you leave w/o questions of character flaws and will have a huge impact on those around you.

My advice: read "No Man Knows my History" then tell your family it convinced you the church isn't true.

Thanks very much for your advice guys. :)

I just feel so ashamed about this all aswell. I knew from a young age that I didn't want to go on a mission, except I was stupid, and was too cowardly to upset everybody, so I just pretended I wanted to go. I kept thinking "Oh, a mission is ages away. Five years is an eternity", and now it's here. :(

I'll have to give some thought about saying no. But I mean, they way people have treated me for not wanting to do simple things like go to a Young Men's activity, or go to seminary one morning. Especially when I was younger, about 12/13, my mum used to hit me with a wooden spoon when I refused to do church things, and she kept going on about how I make her look like a bad mother to all the other Relief Society sisters if I don't go to all the activities. If I said no to a mission, it'd be a million times worse, I imagine, not just for me, but for all the people I'd be letting down.

But saying no might be the easiest option. And to be honest, I can cope with going to church every Sunday to make my parents happy. But a mission is just way too far for me.

You can't live your life and make decisions solely on what is going to make everyone else happy. Trust me, I spent the first twenty years of my life doing just that, and it brought me nothing but misery. There are definitely cases where it's imperative to take others' feelings into consideration, but when it's a decision like going on a mission, which is two years of YOUR life, ultimately that decision should be yours and yours alone.

GayLayAle Wrote: [in part]
-------------------------------------------------------
> You can't live your life and make decisions solely
> on what is going to make everyone else happy. ...
> .... but when it's a decision like going
> on a mission, which is two years of YOUR life,
> ultimately that decision should be yours and yours
> alone.


Not only TWO years of your PRECIOUS youth, but you are presently working in order to give YOUR hard-earned money to a rich, greedy-gut church to pay for the privilege of becoming THEIR slave for those TWO years.

Seer and Revelator, Thomas S. Monson. He DIDN'T serve a mission.

Case closed.

Anon for this Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>
> I'll have to give some thought about saying no.
> But I mean, they way people have treated me for
> not wanting to do simple things like go to a Young
> Men's activity, or go to seminary one morning.
> Especially when I was younger, about 12/13, my mum
> used to hit me with a wooden spoon when I refused
> to do church things, and she kept going on about
> how I make her look like a bad mother to all the
> other Relief Society sisters if I don't go to all
> the activities. If I said no to a mission, it'd be
> a million times worse, I imagine, not just for me,
> but for all the people I'd be letting down.


This comment says it all. Why in the world would you want to make these people happy above your own happiness!?!?!

Swap urine samples with a pregnant female, and submit her urine in lieu of yours during the medical tests. Let us know what happens!

A friend of mine slept with a gal and was disfellowshipped. Probably not the best idea, but he didn't have to serve a mission.

Another friend's son and his buddy was caught shooting cans in a neighbor's field a couple of weeks prior to serving (had already received the call). The neighbor called the police, and the two were arrested and charged with trespassing. They were both put on probation. Because they had to serve probation, neither of them could serve their missions until the probation ended. It took months, but eventually my friend's son did go on his. I'm not sure about the son's friend.

One of my former roommate's sons decided not to serve one and enrolled at the local college.

If you really don't want to go, then my suggestion would be that you discuss your fears with your parents. From what you wrote, it will suck, but perhaps it will lay the groundwork for a better life ahead. Hugs!

You can use my urine. I'm not pregnant, but it's guaranteed to fail (a drug test).

Mission life is all-encompassing. You will be expected to learn and give discussions, constantly bear your testimony, and proselyte seven days per week. You will put your life on hold for two long years. You will subject yourself to the scrutiny of the church, and have another person with you 24 hours per day. You will have to LIE about how you feel constantly.
How would this be any better than staying home, enduring the disapproval of your friends and family? At least you'd be able to get on with your life. Yes, it would be painful for a time, but compared to two years of absolute misery...?
You need to do what's best for YOU. I went on a mission. I believed everything at the time, and it was still miserable. And believe me, your missionary companions not appreciate you trying to fake your belief. They expect you to be committed. You will do no one any favors by going, without being a true believer -- least of all yourself.
If you decide to stay home, you can go to school, get a job, get a girlfriend, whatever. Talk things out with your family. They love you and will be disappointed, but it's unlikely that they will kick you out. And if they threaten to do so, concentrate on becoming self-sufficient. There are lots of programs to help people get a college education -- find out about them. A room in a shared apartment only costs a few hundred dollars a month. Any full-time job can support that kind of setup for a while, even if you don't go to school. I know -- I have two daughters going to college, and they are working to pay for room, board, and gas money, part-time.

One other option:
Do you believe the church is true?
Do you KNOW it is true? Of course not.

If you have doubts just tell your bishop that you don't have a testimony and don't want to go out there and end up coming home after a couple of weeks. I actually put off my mission for quite awhile because I just flat out told my bishop the truth - I doubted it was true and I couldn't go out there without a testimony.

Then tell people when they ask that you didn't feel quite ready yet and need some time to go to college first. If you go away to school the problem may slowly resolve itself with time.

I can't believe anyone in your ward would hate you.

I didn't go on a mission. In my ward (at least way back then) it really didn't seem to matter to people if you went or not. Most of my peers never went either. Smaller NY ward though.

Having never faced the situation I don't think I can give you any advise.

I do hope the best for you. Those that really matter will never 'hate' you. Your parents will certainly never hate you. They may be disappointed (a shame) but they'll get over it. Hopefully they're thankful they've got a good kid.

Don't fake any medical issues or do anything you'll regret later. Just be honest with yourself and others.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/16/2011 06:41PM by verdacht.

It isn't up to you to make your mother or anyone else happy. That is their job--to make themselves happy or at peace or whatever they are looking for.

I did everything in life to make everyone else happy. I still find myself doing that. I'm 53. I learned well.

Thing is, eventually you will run into circumstances that are beyond your control and you will let down your mother or someone--like if your spouse leaves you. I couldn't even tell my parents. I had my sister do it--because I didn't want to hurt them--and yet it wasn't my fault.

Better learn to say "NO" now or you will find yourself doing everything to TRY to make everyone else happy (but they won't be--won't matter how hard you try)--and you'll never find your own voice.

Just dont go to the doctor and say you did. Also you could claim mental illness it would be heard to prove you werent mentally ill.

1. Do not fail the medical tests. Failing the tests in order to not go on a mission means doing something terrible to your body. That's out.

2. Don't make up shit about you not being "worthy." If you think your life is miserable now, wait until you can't go because you are a fornicator. That's not worth it because everyone will jump up your ass about repentance. Best case scenario, you will delay the inevitable.

3. Leaving home. You need to be prepared to go to school, or get a job and your own place to live. This doesn't mean that you should just quit your family and friends and leave without telling them.

You should just tell them that you aren't going and it's because you don't believe in the church and you will not be going- end of discussion. Then be prepared to deal with the next phase of your life- college/job/whatever. But being economically ready to live on your own for a bit, will give some space and distance.

It takes guts to say no. A lot of guts.

What are you trying to salvage out of all this? The perception that you are an otherwise sweet young TBMormon guy that would have been delighted to have gone on a mission except for your illness/unworthiness?

Leaving that impression might buy you some time, but it's completely dishonest, both to them AND to yourself. Just say "No" and find the balls to deal with the consequences.

I did #3. I left home, but in doing so I left my connection to important resources that made almost everything more difficult than it should have been. You should not do it unless you have ample resources and other people to rely on.

Maybe a delaying tactic is in order. Perhaps school, like Rebecca recommended . . . or "the spirit tells me that I should wait a year" (Stalkerdog). Rather than dropping a bomb on them now, you could use that time to lay some pre-apostasy groundwork and reveal your disaffection with the crutch gradually. Wouldn't be so much of a shock and would perhaps result in reduced weeping and wailing. Still not easy, but maybe a little easier than going from a fair-haired LDS boy to a raving apostate overnight.

I felt the same anxiety as you describe, so I basically stalled for awhile. I used the expression "I don't feel that I'm ready, yet" alot. The key for me was to always talk about feelings not facts.

I feel like I'm struggling with my testimony.
I feel like it's not the right time for me to go.

You get the idea. Anyway, I secretly applied to a technical school, and when the letter of acceptance came I told my parents "I feel like this is what I need to do right now." and I moved out.

It took a few years, but my mom eventually told me that although she was disappointed, she was not that surprised. I was always more of an introvert and she couldn't really picture me serving.

It's tough, but the biggest part of becoming an adult is taking control of your own life and living with the consequences. You can't control how other people will feel.

I should add that I also got a job and tried to get sunday shifts so that I could skip church and save up money.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/16/2011 06:53PM by Rob.

Be honest.
Time to tell mom: I know what YOU want for me, but I have to want it also. Right now, I am not there. I am not in any way interested in going on a mission. I don't want to go, and until I do, I won't be making any decisions to go on a mission. Not now, probably not ever.

In the mean time, what I need is respect for my choices.
Maybe others are ready to go on a mission, but I am not.
Don't pressure me about this or make it about you, anymore.

I can't live my life to please other people.

Look people in the eye, stand tall, and say clearly: no, I'm not going on a mission and it is not up for discussion. (Then change the subject.)

You can't control what other people think. They won't hate you. They may be disappointed because you are not fulfilling THEIR expectations. This is the time to learn to separate the two.
This is about your life. You are learning what it means to be an adult.

If you don't want to share your reasons, don't share them.

Best wishes to you!
Time to be a man!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/16/2011 06:57PM by SusieQ#1.

A young man who was in my ward and graduated in my HS class joined the Marines instead of a mission. He was almost as revered by the ward as the boys who chose missions. Of course it is a far more dangerous and longer commitment than a mission, but maybe you can get some career training out of it (instead of training in high-pressure sales.)

I third Rebecca's suggestion: delay by going to school. You've been saving up money all year, use it on an education that will actually be useful rather than submitting yourself to two years of slavery.

Didn't BYU's star basketball player just announce he wasn't going on a mission? Use him as an example. "I just feel like there is something important in my life that I need to be doing instead of a mission. I really think the spirit is telling me to [go to school, backpack through Europe, whatever].

Thanks so much everyone. I genuinely appreciate this so much. I've been panicking about this to myself for ages, so it means so much that I can have people give me advice. :)

Education is a good idea. The easiest one would be University, because that way you get given your own appartment, so that's housing covered.

However, I live in the UK. So, in the UK, the University year starts in October. I'm due to be sending my papers off around June/July time, so I'd still have basically the whole summer of torture. Although, as somebody else mentioned, that's got to be a lot better than the alternative.

Also, at University in the UK, you can't do a year and have a two year break in the middle. You've got to do the whole course in one go, which means if I went this year, it'd mean I couldn't go on a mission until 2014 or 2015. In the UK, people really don't approve of pursuing further education before a mission for this reason. A lot of people go to University, and then change their minds about serving a mission. So now if I said I wanted to finish my education before doing a mission, everybody in my ward would be all "Oh, you're putting the world before the Lord".

I've also missed the application for next year, so I'd have to do another type of education (except I can't think of any where they give you a place to live, and that doesn't cost any immediate money), or apply through clearing.

And thanks for your advices again. I'm really young, so I don't have a clue about life, if I'm honest, especially given how sheltered by upbringing has been. That's probably why they make us go on missions at this age. They know that if they do it any older, then too many people would start using common sense and refuse to do it. Plus, they wouldn't be living with their parents anymore, so they could refuse to go without any backlash.

I was supposed to go on a mission back in October, but I didn't end up going, obviously. My only advice to you, echoing what people have said, is to just say no. Be true to yourself. Don't live your life out of fearing what your family and others will think of you. Don't live for your parents, live for yourself. You are an adult that can make your own choices. Do what you know you need to do, and regret nothing. It's hard, trust me, I am still going through the guilt and shunning from my family, but ya know what, I am happy. I am doing things and making decisions for myself, not for others. So, if I were you, I would just have a sit-down with your parents, explain to them your fears and reasons for not wanting to go, and if they are good parents, they will respect you for your decision and who knows, maybe it won't be as bad as you think. You said you have been saving money, college is an option to get away from your parents, the church, and to start anew with education at your fingertips. Take out student loans if you have to, it's worth it. Hang in there buddy, don't do anything drastic, just remember that you control your own destiny, so live life according to YOU, not the church, not your parents, not anyone else. Good luck.

Thanks.

I do think getting away somehow is the key. I wouldn't have a problem in the slightest saying no to my parents if I was living alone somewhere. I could just do it over the phone, or by e-mail, or whatever. I could end the conversation easily.

But now I'm completely dependent on my parents. If I make them upset, I still have to see them every, single day, and they're the ones with all the power to punish me in whatever way. I doubt they'd stop feeding me or anything, but they'd definitely start hitting me again.

But I'd rather get bruised every few days than go on a mission to be honest.

Your last post sounds more ominous. You need to find an understanding confidant. Do you have any church leaders that you think would be understanding? Are you still in regular contact with your friends?

Try to find somebody supportive you can be honest with. Hope that someone's available to you.

For one thing, you're way too old for that. For another, it will affect your self esteem.

Far better to move out and live in a roommate situation with other young people. Or go work somewhere else in the EU.

Seriously, it's time to get out of the house.

I'll be honest; you're in a real shitty situation. That your parents hit you when you were younger changes everything. You're obviously legally an adult since you're about to turn in your papers.

Do you know anyone that would let you couch-surf should your parents boot you out? They can legally kick you out now that you are of age. If you don't know anyone that can shelter you in wake of something that serious, I suggest you put out feelers ASAP. Your parents will eventually ask you about how your papers are coming along and you will need to come clean to them if you want to keep your wits about you.

Edit: Nvm. Maybe see if you could meet up with any exmos in your area?



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/16/2011 08:57PM by Strykary.

Anon for this Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Thanks.
>
> I do think getting away somehow is the key. I
> wouldn't have a problem in the slightest saying no
> to my parents if I was living alone somewhere. I
> could just do it over the phone, or by e-mail, or
> whatever. I could end the conversation easily.
>
> But now I'm completely dependent on my parents. If
> I make them upset, I still have to see them every,
> single day, and they're the ones with all the
> power to punish me in whatever way. I doubt they'd
> stop feeding me or anything, but they'd definitely
> start hitting me again.
>
> But I'd rather get bruised every few days than go
> on a mission to be honest.


You may need to lay down the law with your parents. There is nothing acceptable about hitting another person because they don't like your decisions.
You need an escape route: friends, relatives that will provide a place for you to stay and make some changes in your life.

If you don't want to go, BE A MAN, R E F U S E !!!

Dude, you're an adult. No one can "make" you go.

This is one of your first tests as an adult. Part of being an adult means being true to yourself and owning up to the decisions you make.

You can't do something only to please someone else. That never works out well. Your self-esteem suffers because you feel like you didn't have a spine. You may end up resenting the people you feel forced you into it. Especially if you tell them how you feel and they pressure you to go anyway.

Don't say, "Would you mind terribly if I don't go?" Just inform them that you've decided it's not right for you and stick to it. Don't wobble. Be kind, but be firm.

Hitting you again? Child abuse? Seems like this changes the whole picture. Can you tell someone what is going on with the hitting?

I noticed that you did not say whether you actually believe or not. Do you believe, and just not want to go, or not?

So many posters, myself included, dread the confrontation with their parents. They are afraid their parents will hate them. But it is usually not as bad as you think it will be.

Eventually you have to make YOUR own choices for your life instead of letting everyone else dictate what you will do. You have already made this choice, you just have to follow through and tell your parents. They may be disappointed, but they will get over it. You can do this! :)

A list of questions to ask your parents:

Do you believe the Church is true? (they answer yes)

Do you believe in the 13 Articles of Faith? (yes)

The 11th Article of Faith reads as follows: We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may. Do you believe that? (yes)

Does the 11th Article of Faith have any "exceptions"? (no)

Suppose that the "dictates of my conscience" are telling me very very strongly that I should not go on a mission. Is it okay for me to obey my conscience? (this could be where the $h!t hits the fan)

I have prayed about this, and the answer I get is "no, you should not go on a mission." So I believe I should listen to the "spirit".

If your parents start arguing with you and try to put pressure on you, say "With all due respect, let us go through my list of questions again.

Start at the top and go through the questions again.

If they can't understand the problem, then tell them this:

The 13 Articles of Faith are fundamental statements about L.D.S. beliefs. You cannot say "I believe the Church is true" and then abandon the Articles of Faith.

If you can't abide by the Articles of Faith, then you clearly don't believe in the Church. Why should I go on a mission to try to convince others to join the Church when my own parents can't follow its fundamental teachings?

Good luck to you.

Listen, don't worry about your entire ward, and if the entire ward will hate you.

The important people are your parents and siblings - not even your extended family.

They will be hurt, but in time will get over it. It concerns me that you mentioned hitting? If that is the case, then I would first leave the house, go someplace safe, and do what all your non-mormon friends did... go to University. Preferably one far away from home. Start to live your life away from everyone that can harm you.

Let your parents know that you intend to pursue your education, and do it. You are not asking permission, you are letting them know you had a change of plans.

Get away from the whole thing and go live your life. Get a student loan if you can? Let us know what you mean by the hitting. It is called child abuse and should be reported, and not to a bishop but to an authority of the law.

Good luck.

Tough one - I feel for you.

I went to University in the UK (Cambridge) and I didn't meet more than the smallest handful of mormons in the entire time I was there so University can be a breath of fresh air for meeting different crowds. That was in the mid-90's though.

You could go to University and be "converted" to a different faith. As there are so few Mormons in southern British universities, you could find a huge new network of people and friends and many will become lifelong supports, regardless of your beliefs. You never know - you might even meet the love of your life and her criterion number 1 for being with you might be "I love him" rather than "He's an RM and that will make mummy happy".

My brother tried to commit suicide because a member of the bishopric kept badgering him to serve a mission. He really didn't want to go, prayed about it and got the answer that he didn't have to (he has disabilities).

The bishopric member would not take no for an answer and stated that my brother was arrogant (which he most definitely is not).

I'm in the UK too. No one is allowed to hit you, ever. Your parents are pathetic and do not deserve you if they treat you like this.

They expect you to make them feel proud, but they are shaming themselves with their actions.

Is there anyone else you can talk to? I have children and I am disgusted at the way you are being treated.

If you're being hit, then you need to get out of there. Get an apartment with several other guys if you need to, while you're going to school.

When I was younger, spanking was considered to be normal. When I turned 18, one of my parents was angry at me and it seemed like they were going to swat my behind.

I told them that I was now an adult and they weren't allowed to hit me again. They never did.

They turned to manipulation instead. Or at least my my mother did. I don't allow that anymore now either.

You should definitely tell your parents NO, I will not go on a mission. The next step depends on how your parents react. If they still love you unconditionally, if they accept your right to make the choice about the mission, and if they are supportive of you going to college, then you probably should go to college.

If your parents "kick you out" and will not support you (financially speaking), then one good thing you could do is join the military. By doing that you will have a place to live, away from your parents and your LDS ward. They can't hate on you if you are not around. The military will provide an opportunity to learn job skills. Try to get into a specialty job that also applies in civilian life.

For example if you learn to be a mechanic for airplane jet engines, then after you leave the military you would be able to do the same work for commercial airlines.

Instead of feeling helpless and pressured by your parents to do something you don't want to do, cut the apron strings, go out into the world and find your own success. The military is a great stepping stone to doing that.

They hit you, emotionally manipulate you, and pressure you into following THEIR plans for YOUR life and you want to please them? It's just crazy. It's never just as simple as saying no, but the guilt and fear WILL get worse as time goes on!! What happens if you do go? Your life will be very controlled on a mission, and then there are the expectations when you get back to immediately find a wife and have kids. If you keep waiting to say no to them, or for the "right time", you are toally screwed. End it now- for YOU!!! I believe in you!

Did this cause problems? Yes. But NOT as many as having gone on a mission would have, I think!

You say you have been working for a year saving money for your mission. You could use this money to get away. Where is the $$$$$. Did you hand it over to your parents? It is your money and are entitled to it. Get it and go!

Anon for this Wrote:
>
> This will sound very stupid to never-mo's. You'll
> probably be thinking "Just say no", but as
> exmormons will know, it's really not that simple.
> If I don't go on a mission, literally everybody in
> my life will hate me. I used to have a lot of
> non-mormon friends, but they've all dispersed off
> to University, whilst I stayed at home with my
> parents and I've been working for a year to save
> money for my mission, even though I don't want to
> go.
>

This does not make sense to me..
If you have been working for a year to save money for your mission, why do you think you have no money?

Yes, they are going to shun you. But if those are friends or caring relatives, where is the truth in their affection toward you?
When they ask, tell them that you have prayed about the mission and HF is telling you that this is not the right time to go for you and that HF is telling you to attend community college.

Look for a decent guy to share an apartment with and enroll in college and move out. You can do this.

"What they think of me is none of my business" try repeating that whenever you are afraid that they won't like you if you do what is truly in your best interest.

Go ef a girl, then they will not let you go. Be all sorry and repentent, but you just could not help yourself, then your parents will surely not hate you. But be sure to use a condom so nothing unexpected happens.

Better yet, and far easier, just tell them you did it. It was a one night stand and you don't even know the girl. Practice crying. They won't let you go- remember the bar got raised. They don't want boys out there with those types of problems, because if they screw up (literally) in the mission field, it makes THEM look bad. It is all about their image.

I TOTALLY feel your pain and know what its like to worry about what everyone, parents and the ward, will think if you don't go. But seriously, a couple years down the road and you will laugh at this little bump in your road through life. You are very lucky you are deciding to not go. I wish I would have made that decision before I wasted 2 full years of my life living in hell serving a corporation pretending to be a church.

Like everyone here said, you are an adult and are allowed to make your OWN choices about your life. You can' let other people dictate what you feel fit regarding YOUR life. I think the key here is that you need to detach yourself from your little Mormon subculture, move out, start school, make new friends and be AWAY from your family and the ward. Once you do, it will be a piece of cake.

The church is a like a little prison we allow ourselves to trapped in. I was so worried about what my family and the people in the ward I grew up with would think about me leaving the church that I wasted far too many years and money trying to be respected by these people and going along with it. I moved away from that area and am I no longer a member, all of my friends are non-Mormon and I live a new life. Hardly ever think about them anymore. So glad I am out. It feels GREAT!!

It sounds like you don't want to be a part of "the church" anymore and this obviously going to have to be resolved AT SOME POINT IN YOUR LIFE. You can't fake it forever. If you do, you are going to miserable. In my opinion, the sooner you become honest about your beliefs the better! However, its up to you if you want to slowly loosen the grip of the church or do it all at once now.

If you do it now, tell them you don't believe in the church and so there's no point in going on a mission. End of conversation.

If you want to slowly break the news, then I suggest telling people you've been doing a LOT of praying and do NOT feel right about going on a mission. How can they argue with that?! Then tell them you feel more better about going to school first. Then move out and get on with your life! You won't be as harassed about the church once you're gone. In my personal opinion why would you care anymore about what the ward thinks anyway, especially if you move away? As for your family you can maybe drop hints and express problems you see with the church if they ever bring it up. Don't argue, just express yourself in a respectful, sincere manner. Overtime it should sink in that you are not going follow the path of Mormonism and eventually you can tell them that you resigned or don't believe.

If you are worried about money, then use that money you saved up for school or work hard to get a job. Move in with roommates for cheap rent. If school loans and part time jobs can't get you through school, just work full time until you can afford school. Anything is better than going on a mission.

I like the Articles of Faith argument too btw.



You seem

Oh and the hitting part, sounds like there are some serious issues there with your family, especially since you are an adult and your parents STILL hit you?! I think this is a whole other issue that you need to address and probably counseling.