Why hasn't someone written a guide to dating the Joseph Smith way? I mean, if the goal of dating is to get married, then who better than Joseph Smith to turn to for help. I mean, other than Brigham Young, or possibly Larry King, who the hell else has as much experience to offer?

What great advice should go into this heartfelt book for teens?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/18/2013 10:21PM by forbiddencokedrinker.

This sounds too tempting to pass up. For starters:

Girls, date up -- all the way up, if you can. Don't get hitched unless your new man can guarantee your entire family will be exalted once you marry him. After all, what man wants to spend eternity without his in-laws?

Don't worry if he disappears a lot or seems to have his attention somewhere else. He's busy doing God's work, right? Bake that man some cookies -- or better yet, a bun in the oven.

Make the most of your time together, limited though it may be. Disguises and darkness can really spice up your secret rendezvous. For added fun, go spend the night with him at the home of one of his good friends in another town.

Guys, it's really simple. Get her in a locked room. Back her into a corner and tell her the Lard decreed you two should have a secret, special marriage that absolutely nobody else can know about -- not even her hot sister. She has 24 hours to accept your proposal. If she does, her entire family will be saved and posterity will sing her praises. If not...hello, outer darkness. Oh, and there's a scary-looking angel with a drawn sword waiting to slay you if she says no (fake a tear, sob, and trembling lip for extra effect).

Don't let your women find out about each other. If they do, write a revelation that says God will send them to hell unless they are OK with the extra women -- and then He will give you a few dozen more to make up for it.

Make time for each one -- preferably by claiming you are out doing multiple jobs or the Lard's work or starting a new club or digging for ancient treasure or whatever. Your current woman will feel extra-special if you give her an entire night of your glorious presence. That can get expensive, so recruit your buddies and have your sleepovers at their houses. Reward their silence by giving them some extra wives of their own.

Make the women compete for you. You, after all, are the prize. Lucky them if they win the privilege of getting to share you!

Buy them some special underwear to remind them of your special, secret times together. Tell them it's magic.

Never stop looking for more women, even if they are underage or already married to somebody else. There are so many women out there who want you and would work hard to get some of what you've got to give. If you snooze, you lose!

Thank you. When I was a Mormon, I used to think Hugh Hefner was a horrible man, and Joe Smith a hero. Now I look back, and all of Heff's girls wanted to be there, while Joe practically mind raped his brides.