So I have been reading a ton over the last couple of weeks and I have literally gone from believing in JS to believing he and the church are frauds. I have been at this for 38 years, my wife is devout and very faithful, and I have raised 4 girls ages 13, 7, 5 in the church as well. I literally don't know what to do. I am lost. I don't know how to go forward, but I know that I cannot go back. There is just too much evidence. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Start sharing what you are learning with your wife. It is best if she learns it at the same pace you do.

Go easy on yourself. You are undergoing a huge paradigm shift.

summer Wrote:
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> Start sharing what you are learning with your
> wife. It is best if she learns it at the same pace
> you do.
>
> Go easy on yourself. You are undergoing a huge
> paradigm shift.


Try to get her to keep this between the two of you until you are ready to make a break from TSCC. If she runs to the bishop or TBM family your life becomes more complicated as you are now a target for "fixing".

This is a journey most of us on RFM have been through. It has been difficult for many of us. I felt the world had been ripped out from under me leaving me hanging alone in space. I went from knowing everything about the world and my place in it to not knowing who or why I was. But it gets better as time passes. Go slow in revealing your knowledge to believing family members and be judicious in how you share. The church indoctrination forces people to choose the church over non-believing family members and many on this board have suffered accordingly.

Congratulations on your awakening. You are now beginning to truly own your life.

Ditto here. I just found out this past spring at age 40 with my wife and three kids. I posted my story on mormonthink.com under personal stories. My name is Lance Miles from Oregon. Go check it out. You're not alone...and actually in great company.

It's a sucky process coming out of the huge lie but please know, life can be incredible post Mormonism...cult. [eye roll]

I love your story. You posted a bit of it here once. I liked it then. I like that you remember the moment and that it was when you were sitting in a church class. It's a great read. Thanks for sharing it.

Thanks a lot. I'm just so lucky that I shared everything with my wife from the very start of my searching. And even more lucky that she had enough rational sense and will power to realize it's all a huge fraud. We left with our family in tact. The last nine months have been somewhat challenging but man has it been amazing!!

One thing I know (and wrote in my exit story), the church absolutely takes away your free agency! It controls EVERY aspect of your life. I never knew what it really meant when people would say, "the truth will set you free!"...until I found the truth!

WE ARE SOOOOO HAPPY TO BE RAISING OUR FAMILY OUTSIDE THAT CULT WHICH MASQUERADES AS A CHURCH!

I'm with you I've found the New Order Mormon forums a helpful way to walk to others in the same boat.
Go to the support sub forum.
Nice people, great suggestions.
Do not, repeat do not go postal and drop this all in your wife's lap.
Do that slowly.
Do you still believe in Christ, or are you sour on religion in general?
Just take your time, and don't doanythinh rash...yet

It is a rough process at first especially if you come from a TBM family. My journey went back and forth between faith and agnostic, but ultimately I started really reading the new testament for the first time with my new non-Mormon eyes and it is amazing how many warning are in the bible that relate directly to the Mormon church, I found that to be the most amazing. I still have faith in God but I do not attend any religion. I think you will find most people that leave Mormonism become atheist or agnostic, more so than any other religion. I think when you have been brain washed your entire life and finally have the scales removed from your eyes it is hard to have faith in much of anything. If you still have a belief in God I would say read the New Testament I think you will be shocked on what you find contrary to Mormonism. Either path you choose good luck to you on your new journey and enjoy those new eyes.

A question keeps repeating in my mind.

"Is it true? Of course not. But, does it matter?"

For some people YES, it does matter. For me it matters. But, for others, it doesn't. They can't risk their relationships and that's okay. You decide. You can go along with it to keep people happy and together.

But, for me... I can't do it anyone.

Come what may.

a believing wife when I realized it was all bs. So I had to decide what was more important to me, my family or my integrity. I chose family. I made the decision to go the rest of my life living a lie if I had to in order to keep my family together. But I didn't completely role over. I started pointing out absurd beliefs like the Noah story or the JS teaching of people living on the moon.

Also, and this is key, religion is based on guilt and fear so I started fighting guilt and fear. I told my wife it made no sense to force our kids to sit through Sacrament. And it is not possible to do all the church tells you to do from attending church, to visiting teaching to, scripture reading, yada yada. So I said let's just pick the things we are comfortable doing and to hell with the rest. Right now, I said, kids are more important so lets spend more time as a family. Lets go on hikes, hang out together, etc. We don't need to go to the temple every month. Maybe once a year tops. I told her that evolution is obviously true. When she started feeling guilty about something I would make a joke about it.

It took two years and a lot of tithing but one day she said she wasn't sure she had a testimony. Two months later was stopped attending. That was 13 years ago and life's been great.

BTW, if you are in Utah Valley, we have a regular Sunday get together at Cabellas at 10:00 AM at the cafeteria. Everyone is welcome.

Good luck my friend!

OMGh, CABELA'S Sunday services??? That's the one true church!! I'm converted. Man, if only we lived in the Lehi area! Maybe I'll have to start my own splinter group here in Eugene, Oregon. We have a Cabela's in Springfield (right next door). BUT, it doesn't have a cafeteria like your great and spacious building. [whimper]

"Welcome, to the real world." The shock of learning the truth can be devastating, especially to a family that is deeply steeped in history and participation. The advise earlier to share it with your spouse is the best one, but also the scariest. Relationships built on a common foundation tilted towards eternal consequences can really be challenged, and sometimes do not succeed. Having said that, though, living the lie will ultimately tear you apart. To witness the mental "Kool Aid" being administered to your family and saying nothing will become impossible to bear.

You are now embarked on a new course in life. The anguish will eventually lessen as time heals all wounds, but it WILL TAKE TIME! I have been at it for over 10 years now and still find myself occasionally wincing at the frustrating memories regarding teaching my children "THE LIE", and now watch them struggle with all the judgments associated with that lifestyle.

Good luck, and God bless. Oh, and, seriously learn to love yourself. The path you are now on will open up some truly amazing moments as you realize the freedom of letting go, but the guilt will still want to control you. Just smile, and know your path is where you are supposed to be and it is guided.

If I had it to do over again, I would have had scripture study with my wife. I would have selectively picked things from the scriptures that are screwed up, and ask questions as if you were trying to understand them. Let her fill in the blanks. it will overwhelm her cog dis in time.

get your hands on the Journal of Discourses, read Jacob and Section 132 and in Sacred Loneliness. Only buy books from Des Book. There is plenty of faith destroying publications you can get directly from the church without jumping right to No Man Knows My History.

Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900) “The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."



Love before loyalty, people before the organization, and principle before the tribe.

Talk, talk, talk, talk--with your wife, on these boards, with someone who has already been through the process (but not with "church" leaders--that is a total waste of time). It is a process, just like the "grief cycle" of having someone die--something has died. And know that when you come out on the other side--it is a much brighter, better world than you ever thought existed. Letting go of the "church" means letting go of judgment and bondage. Freedom and love fill the void.

Start easing away from the parts of the church which bother you most. Work on gently telling your wife about what you've learned starting with one or two facts that would interest her. Is there anything about the church that she's complained about? If so, start there and move very slowing.

Good luck.

Wives who have been told at the end of the journey have been thinking the change in their husband was due to him having an affair, or watching porn, or involved in something illegal.

Very quick after the wave of relief comes the indignation that their spouse had all this going on in their head and did not share it. What else are you keeping secret? I thought you told me everything!


Anagrammy

Put on some very powerful sunglasses and enjoy the ride!

All the best to you.

BTW: All of the above poster's comments are perfect.


Breedum

There are many good resources to help. This feeling you are having is to be expected. I highly recommend you review this address at the ExMormon Conference from a medical professional of how to deal with this problem
http://exmormonfoundation.org/files/media/2011Conference/03%20Marlene%20Winell.mp3

the truth shall set you free but first it will piss you off.

Why would you you pretend to be a mormon for your family? That is simply denying Jesus and you know what that will get you. He will deny you before the Father. His words, not mine. Be honest with your family and show them the truth. For goodness sake is it that hard to see that it is a ll a lie? I was a mormon once until I saw that it is an obvious cult. I had to leave the beautiful wholesome people that I loved, but I saw it as my duty to God and made the right choice. Several people realized the truth, but chose their family and friends over God and what is right. Choose correctly God before all. My prayers are with you, the choice is easy, but the road is hard. Stand Fast.

So many of us had our eyes opened in exactly that same way. I'm very grateful to say that I was the only member in my family, so I was able to get out cleanly, except for the loss of a lot of lifetime friendships, which is sad. But I'm not much help with the family advice. Many of us are in that position or have been there though.

I can say, "Welcome!" Stick around. Just the moral support is helpful.

And you're right. There's no going back. You can't unlearn what you've learned, and yes, the evidence is overwhelming.

Thank you all for the great advice. My instinct was to rush out and tell everybody what I know, but I also know the impact it will have on my family. I grew up in a family of 10 and was ultimately the glue that held religion together even though I was the middle child. This change that is taking place in my mind will devastate my brothers and sisters, my wife as well, so I will take it slow. Good advice.

It is so nice to hear some of your comments about the guilt that the church creates. Honestly, this is one of the main reasons why I have become disenchanted with the church the last several years. I served in the bishopric, then high counselor, once I was released I felt like I was in no mans land. It was during these callings that I was able to see first hand how much guilt the church places on us. Over the last 2 years I have paid special attention to this and it drives me crazy. This isn't what Christ taught. Being a 1st counselor in the Bishopric was the worst especially when I had to sit through a Bishops court. I was sitting across from my neighbors listening to them tell me things that I didn't want to know, nor did I think I had any right to know. This really bothered me, still does today.

Lastly, I have to say that the amount of time that the church requires has really taken its toll. It drives me crazy, the next fireside, the next meeting, HT, etc... My wife takes all of this so literally that she lives in a world of guilt all the time. I came home from work on a Monday night and was suffering major back spasms, so she had me lay down and rest and hung out with me. It was great, we finally had time to just talk. At around 8:00 PM when it was time to put the kids to bed the guilt started coming out. She couldn't help herself but to say, I can't believe we missed FHE again. Our moods changed and everything became so negative. We went to bed in a depressed state all because she chose to sit and chat with me vs. FHE.

Thank you for all of your kind words!

Hi, Dodgeawrench. I'm about 6 years ahead of you in the process, and I can sure relate to your situation. I was on the high council as well when the lights started coming on for me. I think it was preparing those monthly talks that got me digging deeper into church history, which led me to the FARMS and FAIR websites, and then eventually to websites like this and others like it. Within a couple of weeks (days?) I knew it was all a steaming crock, and I had to deal with the grief over having devoted 30 plus years of my life to a cult.

My wife is very devoted to TSCC, and it devastated her when I shared my new views with her. We're still married, but there is definitely a big elephant in the room that we avoid. She intensified her dedication to the church when I quit attending, which is frustrating. I guess we just have decided that we're not going to try to change the other.

We also have four kids. My oldest were already too entrenched and are both attending BYU now. However, my influence has led my two teenagers still at home to question the church and they both know it's not for them. They'll attend periodically to appease their mom.

I feel bad for my wife. I'm the one that 'broke the deal' we had. All her dreams of living the perfect model-Mormon-family life are shattered, and it's my fault.

I hope that your wife will open her mind a bit when you talk with her. My wife absolutely refused to even consider reading or listening about anything I wanted to share. I really felt like I could see a steel door slamming shut in her mind. It's sad and frustrating.

I really wish the best for you. I found that, for me, the most helpful thing about this board was just realizing that I'm not alone. Good luck.

It's not All your fault. The fault is with the generations of greedy lying leaders who have buried the truth for generations.

As soon as you knew better, you did better.

I hope that your wife will eventually come around and see the light.

I was in your place 18 months ago. Tough to leave but I did it and took my wife, 16 yr old daughter, 14 yr old son and 10 yr old son with me. We r a better family today because of it.

Advise: Spend a few minutes on RFM each day. Mormon expressions podcasts were a great help too.

Best of luck! You r not alone. Keep asking for help!!

go slow - relax - and enjoy life with the scales removed from your eyes.

I figured out the church was lying about a bunch of things when I was a counselor in the Primary presidency, researching a Sharing Time for Mother's Day. I wandered onto a site like Mormonthink.com and read about the First Vision. I realized the church was lying - but it took me a year to figure out how many lies there were. The next day I went to Primary and the president came up to me, worried, and asked if everything was OK because I looked like I lost my best friend. In a way, I had. I lost the one thing I'd based everything else on. It's a big loss, a big shock and a total reframe of life.

But it's worth it. Despite what the church says, life actually gets better outside of Mormonism. You have more time, more money and aren't always being beaten over the head with the guilt pillow. You can find out who you really are and build an authentic life. You aren't going to go astray and race full tilt into sin, if that isn't who you are inside. There have been difficult moments for me, lost friends, times that have been confusing. But it's really, really worth the work. Our family is so much happier. My kids still get great grades, hang out with nice kids and have high goals for their lives. My husband and I are much closer and have so much more fun together. I agree with everyone who said take it slowly and be kind to yourself. Also, study, study, study. The more you know, the more you'll be able to trust your own perceptions and make the right choices. Also, when talking to your wife, try asking her questions, rather than "educating" her. It always works best when you get people thinking, asking their own questions and learning to trust their own mind. Asking my kids questions, then validating their answers, has taught my kids to THINK about what Mormonism teaches - and thinking is the best defense against being sucked into Mormonism.