I've been thinking long and hard about it and I feel like this just isn't the right church for me. I still believe in God and in Jesus Christ but things in the Mormon church just don't feel right.

I want to leave the church and find a Christian church I can really believe in.

I'm just not sure where to start.

I still live at home and I'm 18 years old. I want to live there a little longer because of school but I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle my family's backlash.

It's not like I'm leaving because I don't believe in god and want to have the freedom to sin, but because I simply don't believe in the church.

My family won't see it that way.

I still want to serve worship and follow god, I just don't want to do it through I church I have lots of problems with.

What should I do?

I'm not sure if you're asking how to find a compatible church...or how (on a practical basis) can you check out different churches/Christian denominations without your parents getting upset?

If right now your main concern is finding a Christian denomination that fits where you presently are, try doing a Google search for: how do I choose a Christian denomination?

I just did this and it looks like there is an abundance of Internet resources (like quizzes about your present religious beliefs and attitudes) to help you find whatever is the right Christian church/belief system for you. Once you get some idea from the Net of what denominations you MIGHT find compatible, then you can search your area (either on the Net, or with the Yellow Pages) to find out what is available in your comfortable commuting zone.

So far as your parents not getting too upset with you: this may not be possible to finesse, depending on your particular parents. When I was growing up, I did something similar to what I am recommending to you (though I was interested in ALL religions at that time, not just Christian ones), and I used to visit churches on "off" days (not just Sundays) and on "off" hours (like weekday afternoons). Many churches have people working during those times, and they are usually happy to talk to you, show you around, and explain the basics of what they believe and why, and how they live their lives. Sometimes these will include the church minister/pastor/priest...other times it will be people just working in the office, etc. Catholic churches are usually open to the public during the daylight hours of just about any day, and you are free to come in and wander around inside (and check out the pamphlets, etc. in the area adjoining the main door). There are often individuals inside doing their own thing (praying, waiting for Confession, etc.), so you won't be alone (and they won't bother you in any way).

You can also check out Christian denominations at times when they are having week night choir practice, etc., so you could "go to the library," and make a detour to whatever church you are interested in at that moment.

Start in anywhere, realize that there is a religious spectrum that is much like the political spectrum (conservative, middle-of-the-road, liberal, progressive), and try to choose accordingly in the beginning. Gradually, you will learn enough so you can make some pretty educated guesses about whether an unknown church or denomination would, or would not, be something that you might like.

For you, this is the beginning of one of the most interesting adventures in your life, so have fun, and learn enough to--at least initially--choose the best fit for you available in your area.

Good luck!!!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/22/2014 01:24AM by tevai.

First off, keep your cards close to your vest.....don't need to say anything to your loved ones about your change of heart.

My best recommendation for a fallback 'faith' would be the Universal Unitarian church. Check local listings.

Happy friendly folks without prejudice in search of a higher way was my impression of them. No profits and no popes hold sway there, no sir.

Good luck in your quest.

And of course remember there are hundreds of folks here on RfM who have been where you now are. . . . so keep coming back.

We'll keep the light on for ya.

School
Job
SAVE
PLAN

The rest will fall into place with time. Get yourself in a position to be an adult and make adult decisions. Put up with what you have to while you do. Remember it is your parents house and while they are paying the bills you gotta play by their rules. BUT it doesn't mean you can't read, learn, explore and grow. But grow with a plan!

This is sound advice.

Great advice.

+1

As long as you're dependent on them for food, shelter and other necessities, you need to go along and get along to some extent.

Save your money and get the training or education you need to be independent. Work hard and then leave the Mormon church. For now you might be able to visit different churches at times and be thinking about which one suits your needs. You can drag your feet with the Mormons but I suggest you don't want to raise their ire or push it to the point of all out war, at least for now.

When I was seventeen, me and another buddy went through a phase of visiting other churches. We weren't wavering in our commitment to LDS Inc; we were just interested in learning what others believed. We still attended some or all of the LDS meetings.

My parents were and are strictly orthodox LDS. Dad was stake el presidente at the time. I sensed a little bit of concern from them, but they didn't object. My dad even (correctly) stated there was value in understanding other religions. This seems like it might be a good place to start.

As you grow in confidence and independence, you'll make more decisions for yourself and allow your parents and other people to own their own responses. In other words, you'll make your own choices. They'll be upset at some of those choices. They'll deal with it and get over it.

If you are going to any school not related to BYU, then suck it up, keep going to church for now, go to college, then get out....

You seem to feel it is very important to be clear you are not one of those icky people who don't believe in god. Non-believer is not a synonym for evil. You may want to rethink that.

I don't believe the OP said that. Not at all. I think he's responding to what everyone on this board knows too well: if you want to leave TSCC, even for another church, you want to sin. So, maybe you want to rethink putting words in other people's mouths--people get enough of that from the TBMs in their lives.

OP: Lot's of good advice here. It's your life. Yes, many people actually research and find a church that's right for them. You see, as you know, there's no "one true church." So there's your first place to start. If you're sitting there and you hear some other church claim to be the only true Christian church...time to go. Just do your research thoroughly. No need to rush and find yourself in another cult (or super-controlling church with fairly orthodox Christian doctrine but a really legalistic, cult-like way of controlling the members).

Thank you all for your excellent advice. I have read all of your responses and feel very happy to find people who understand what I'm going through and are willing to help. I'm very scared of this new change in my life. The Mormon faith has been a huge part of my life till now, but looking back I can see how harmful and constricting it has been.

But a big problem I'm facing is that I know hardly anyone out of church. I was homeschooled so I haven't had too much contact with people outside at all. I feel like I'll have to start from scratch.

But I remain optimistic. I know I can do it, it just might be hard. Knowing this about myself, do any of you have any other advice? Like how I can make new friends outside the church? I won't deny it: I've been quite sheltered.

At age 18, everyone is in a state of transition. You are not alone in this. Everyone is both panicked and excited, because they are on the cusp of adulthood. Some will be moving away to go to college; some will go to trade schools or junior colleges; some will find fulltime jobs. Some will live at home at least for awhile, some in dorms or shared apartments.

Setting aside religion, what are your career and life plans? The answer to that will help to dictate your strategy for dealing with your family. You may need to keep the peace with them, and keep your ideas to yourself, as long as you are dependent on them financially.

Whatever you decide, you will be meeting new people and making new friends; that's what happens when you're 18 and your life is changing. It would happen whether you stayed in the church or not.

Don't worry, the church can't keep you forever if you don't want to be there. Just don't get any more entangled (serving a mission; marrying a Mormon). You don't need those additional complications.

Come up with a plan. Be willing to work hard and take responsibility for your choices and your life. keep an open mind. Be open to new friendships. I would give this advice to any 18 year old, regardless of religion.



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 10/05/2014 10:07PM by ellenl.

If you want to meet nice people, go where nice people go. Most community colleges and larger colleges and universities have volunteer organizations that help others, both other students and people out in the community. If you are not in college --- start. You'll meet people in classes, and at the cafeteria and in the library. But the fast track is to find a student group that appeals to you, and join it. Go to meetings. Help out in the office. You'll meet lots of nice people, you'll do some good in the world, and it will be as easy as it can be to find new friends.

If you don't have a job, find one. And look particularly at jobs where other people your age work.

Stay open to new people and to people who are different than you are. If you are shy, look around --- you will see some other shy people standing off at the edges ---. Go up to them and start talking. And listening. If you don't know how to start a conversation, think about a list of questions that you would like to answer. Topics that would get you talking. And then ask those questions to the other wallflowers. It may take some practice, but once you learn to get others talking, and you learn to listen to them, you will start to make friends.

I'm sorry if I've offended you, but I don't think people who don't believe in god are "icky" at all. I've just had so many people tell me that leaving the church means I want to sin. I guess I just felt scared that people will think that.

carterk Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I'm sorry if I've offended you, but I don't think
> people who don't believe in god are "icky" at all.
> I've just had so many people tell me that leaving
> the church means I want to sin. I guess I just
> felt scared that people will think that.

One of the most liberating things about leaving the mormon church, with its heavy peer pressure to conform, is the realization that what other people think is irrelevant. Their misguided, misinformed, wrong notions are *their* problem, not yours. Be true to yourself, and it won't take long before you figure out why it was so ridiculous to live your life caring whether or not other people approved of your choices.
Good luck.

It's probably best to keep your feelings to yourself since you still live in your parents' home. You don't want to find yourself having to move out sooner than you were planning.

Take this time as an opportunity to read about Christianity before you commit to a new church. Mere Christianity by CS Lewis is a good start. There is lots to read and learn. Get a new Bible with a modern translation. Also, priests and pastors of Christian churches will be more than happy to speak with you. It is as easy as calling and making an appointment.

Your university may also have various Christian groups you can participate in. I'm Catholic and am familiar with the Newman Center at many universities. I assume that other Christian churches have similar ministries. Check any and all out.

When I left Mormonism I actually craved discovering Christianity. I discovered a community Christan church that is come as you are. It really felt like a worship service, and yes it is OK to worship Jesus. The band is awesome, and the sermons actually feel more like a Sunday school class without information overload. The kids go to their class so it is quiet and the serve coffee. I've tried to make my mind and wander and I can't, the sermons are so interesting.

While you are under your parents' roof, go along to get along. Save your money, go to school, and prepare to fully support yourself with a job that pays well. Once you are fully independent, you can do as you please.

In other denominations you may attend for as long as you like without being pressured to join. Many Christians go "church shopping." Go to enough different churches and you will find one that suits.

summer Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Many Christians go "church shopping." Go to enough
> different churches and you will find one that
> suits.

Among Jews it is called "shul shopping"...

"Shul" is the Yiddish word for synagogue...and the alliteration of the "sh" sound in "shul," and in "shopping," often prompts a smile when someone says it. (The "sh" sound is also a letter by itself in the Hebrew alphabet, so "shul shopping" is a happy Jewish-American phrase all around.)

Thanks, summer!!

:D



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/22/2014 10:28PM by tevai.

Since you are 18 and likely to leave home soon for education or work, I would recommend that you not join another church until you leave. You would be able to avoid a lot of trouble that way. Like if you move out and have a new place to live, then your parents can't throw you out on the street. If you have already moved out when you find a new church, you might even get a grace period. A length of time before your parents even find out. And if you aren't living with them, then their opportunities to harass you will limited. It will not be a daily thing.

Hang in there. I feel your pain.

...what's best for you. Your situation comes down to one inescapable truth: You're responsible for your life.

If you decide to leave the Mormon Church - 100's of 1,000's of people have done so, and with very good reason - then you'll be making an excellent but life-transforming decision. Latter-day Saints family members won't understand. Why not? Because they're part of a cultic religious organization, but don't know it.

Who says Mormonism is a cult? Not only countless former Mormons, but also Steve Hassan, one of America's leading experts on cults. On his website, he lists the LDS Church as a thought-control organization: https://freedomofmind.com//Info/infoDet.php?id=140

Here's more info. - from the New York Times in July 2013 - that supports your decision to stop participating in the chronically dishonest and manipulative Mormon Church: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/21/us/some-mormons-search-the-web-and-find-doubt.html?_r=0

And from Reuters news agency in Jan. 2012: http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/01/30/us-mormonchurch-idUSTRE80T1CM20120130

You wrote "I still want to serve worship and follow god." Who's version of "god"? The Baptists'? Evangelical Christians'? Pentecostals'? Catholics'? Lutherans'? Methodists'? Seventh-day Adventists'? New Agers'? Jews'? Muslims'?

The point is that everybody has a different concept of "God" - and you're not obliged to worship anyone else's idea(s). You have the right to do your own exploration and ascertain for yourself if "God" exists or not and if the former, what constitutes "God."

You're not required to mentally regurgitate anyone else's "God" concepts simply because they claim to know the "truth." Crucially, it's your responsibility - and privilege - to ALWAYS think for yourself about EVERYTHING, including "God."

BTW, about a decade ago an American named Brian Flemming produced a documentary film - "The God Who Wasn't There" - about his experience being raised in a Christian group. The film is thought-provoking and I suggest you watch it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ik7GRQ9hoVY

You can go through life doing what other people, including family members and religious authority figures, tell you is "good", "right", "the will of God", etc., or you can live according to your judgments of what's best for you. To do the former seems easier because thinking is work. Why not simply tread along the path that the herd has walked on for years or generations? Because you'll never discover the real you if you do. You are unique.

Dr. Nathaniel Branden, a psychotherapist in CA who pioneered the study of self-esteem several years ago, says on his website: "Growing from a young, malleable child into an independent, self-respecting person is the primary human task. Yet it is also the primary challenge, because success is not guaranteed."

"Self-esteem is the disposition to experience oneself as being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life, and as being worthy of happiness. Thus, it consists of two components: (1) self-efficacy – confidence in one’s ability to think, learn, choose, and make appropriate decisions; and (2) self-respect – confidence that love, friendship, achievement, success – in a word, happiness – are natural and appropriate."

If you're interested, more info. is online at http://nathanielbranden.com/discussions

One of the key elements of self-esteem is self-assertion, which involves taking charge of your life instead of behaving in ways that placate other people such as family members. If you don't want to participate in Mormonism, stop attending. If you're interested in exploring other religions, take action in that regard. It's your right.

You're the captain of the ship of your life; it'll go in whichever direction you set. You will need to muster your courage to act with integrity to what you deem to be right for you. You're an the cusp of adulthood. Be responsible for your life and you'll be at peace with yourself. Others may not understand but, ultimately, you don't need their comprehension or approval. Why? Because it's your life, not theirs.

Best wishes!

You might tell your parents that learning more about Mormonism as well as other religions seems like smart preparation for a mission. Sign up for a philosophy of religion class at you local CC and maybe institute. You can explain your explorations as a personal or class project.

It's probably a good idea to join a Christian club at your college too, if you have been homeschooled. My daughter and her friends have really enjoyed their campus Christian club activities as a way to make friends they can enjoy hanging out with on their big public university campuses. My girl is agnostic and not Christian, but she lives that they are nice and don't drink.

I do suggest you work on career training and a job so you can be independent.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/05/2014 11:19PM by vh65.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out. SLAM IT BEHIND YOU THOUGH HARD! Then have a party.

When you do come out, your relationships with people will change. You will learn who are real friends and who are conditional friends (fake friends.) That can be distressing, but it's a good thing to know who is who.

1. Sign up to spend four years in the U.S. military.
2. Learn a trade (job) that will allow you to get a good job after you leave the military.
3. Use the funds that the U.S. Government will provide to pay for a college education.

Start this process NOW, and get away from your Mormon parents and family NOW. Don't ask your parents, just do it and tell them about it later.