Hi All,

I just spent the weekend end up here in Auckland and recorded my newest track "That's How I Got Here"...just me and the piano.

This song is my personal journey through life. I'm here because when I was born, my bio mother gave me away and left me alone in a hospital bed and this week...ironically, she is on her death bed. But, as she walked away from me at birth, I have no connection to her.

People ask me how I got to New Zealand, how I've stayed alive, how I've handled the torture of being disowned and absolutely HATED by my tbm family.

This song sort of answers those questions...


http://youtu.be/v7yWnmWZXLQ

I loved writing the lyrics toward the end where I said..."now you can disown me and shun me and stone me, but you'll never know a damn thing about me cuz my mama left me alone in a bed....and that's how I got here...

That is the total truth. The fact that I was literally left alone in a bed and LDS my birth mother literally walked out of the hospital, got into a car and literally drove away never to have any part of my life...literally changed the entire course of my life. From that first breath, I had to be a full grown, independent woman and handle myself and my life. And when look back at the horrid verbal abuse and physical violence I endured at home, I feel like I survived that because I knew what it was like to be completely responsible and having no one crying tears of how happy they were that I was alive. No one was celebrating my birth with balloons and gifts and wee little botties. For the first two days of my life, I was alone with nurses. I wasn't bonding with anyone, nursing on anyone...I was fully in sync with my "self" and when people have been cruel to me in my life somehow I've been able to see that that is literally their issue and I've let that behavior repel me and walk away. I have real goals and I've got nothing left to lose other than to simply achieve them.

I've never desired to have children. I think for me knowing a woman an literally walk away and abandon a child or worse...I just didn't want to explore that or experience that side of myself again.

And the reality is....I can't change anything. I waited for years for certain women in my life to mature and step up and take responsibility for what they did....and finally...I stopped waiting. They never came and now they will pass out of this life without anything changing. The church shamed my bio mothers so completely....I guess she completely cut me out of her head so she wouldn't feel the religious guilt over getting pregnant with me to begin with. You cannot out of one side of your mouth say..."fornication is a sin next to murder" and the price of that is god's wrath, expulsion from his side, severe social repercussions in your family/community...and then assume that bio mother can still carry at least outwardly any compassion for that child. She has to hate herself...if she wants to keep everyone happy. Because, the church has a plan and that plan is women marrying/breeding/ staying at home and the father earning the money. This keeps a woman unaware of many things. A single mother has to go to work and she will not be quick to allow men or the church to control her or her child or her money. So, she has to be guilted.

So, that's what's happened. It's good I can talk about it because I couldn't for years.

I guess I've learned what makes us "us" isn't so much where we came from...but rather where we choose to go and the journey we take to get there.

I am SO proud of you Lori C, for the courage it took for you to write this and share your story and stop any shame you may have felt. You are amazing that you have not only survived but thrived. Congratulations Love, and I am honoured to have read your sad sad, but triumphant story. Thankyou for sharing!!!

PS I am unable to listen to your song at home, but will as soon as I get to work tomorrow!!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/04/2013 07:25AM by fluhist.

Thank you, Lori, for sharing. My heart goes out to you~ ! I too cannot listen right here, but I will save this on my own youtube channel and make certain to do so soon, then provide feedback.You are amazingly strong, and profound. Always remember the Creator loves you---- its just these dumb people on the ground you often dont get it right.