My bishop just called up my parents to tell them he hadn't seen me in church in a long time and he wanted to talk to me. Why he didn't just call me directly, I'll never know. Anyway, my mom called up and asked me about my church attendance (without telling me about the bishop's call) and I lied about it (assuming that none would be the wiser). Then she sprung the trap and told me about the bishop's call and asked me straight up whether I had a testimony. Oh no! I couldn't think. I willed myself to just lie some more, but I couldn't think of anything to say. Of course now I can think of hundreds of passable lies, but at the time, with that trap just having been sprung on me and with that direct question staring me in the face, I couldn't put two words together. I stammered for a while until the answer became clear. Then, I just said no.

Well, you can imagine where that led. Testifying and weeping and expressing her disappointment and how I'd removed myself from their "eternal family." Crap. This is exactly what I'd been avoiding for the past 10 or so months. After a few minutes, she couldn't even talk about it. She just handed the phone off to my father and probably went off to cry and pray for me.

I feel horrible. I just broke my mother's heart. And me keeping it a secret and lying about it has just made everything worse! Why did I do that? What was the point? AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I just want her to be happy.

At least we both told each other we still love one another, so there's that. Lets hope those family bonds can weather the storm the Morg is about to throw at them. I have a sinking feeling that the next call will be even worse.

That's the hard part about trying to keep it secret. Some asswipe comes along and thinks its his duty to mess with your business. My best friend left the church a few months after I did. Some "well meaning" douche decided they needed to call and inform my friend's 93 yo grandmother. It's things like this that make me angry.

It's not your fault that Mormonism is false. And it's not your fault that Mormonism paints people who figure it out as the bad guy. Remember that.

You've done nothing wrong. Mormonism has.

Still, I'm sorry that you feel horrible. That sucks. :-/

Yeah, thats the worst part. I know I've done nothing wrong, but I still feel horrible.

Well, I guess I did lie about it, that was probably wrong. But thats not really whats upsetting her.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/14/2013 02:50AM by nickname.

You didn't break your mothers heart, your bishop did.

He had no right to do what he did. He basically tattled on you.
Mormons think they have every right to do this. I have no idea why they think its ok. They destroy families by putting their nose where it doesn't belong. They have no concept of boundaries.

I'd be calling, or writing that idiot a letter telling him to mind his own business, and to stay the hell out of yours.

I agree, the Bish took away your decision and the ability to select the proper time and environment to tell your parents. A great deal of breaking any news to somone is selecting the correct setting, and the idiot Bish took that ability away from you. Most of the heart ache you are feeling at this point is because he did indeed "tattle" on you.

And how wrong is that, when you're apparently old enough to be living on your own? Why did your mom think it was her job? And why did she have to be devious about it?

Boo hoo, poor brainwashed broken-hearted mo-mom. Her feelings are her creation and her responsibility, not yours.

She sounds very TBM-y, and probably would have had about the same reaction no matter what you did. It's called emotional blackmail. Unless I've missed something ... you're an adult, right? Tell your mom to grow up, and to let you grow up too, and the bishop to go jump in a lake!

If I sound harsh, it's because I learned this stuff the hard way. Find your own words, but you need to be really clear and confident. They'll treat you like you're 12 as long as you let them. :)



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 05/14/2013 03:45AM by munchybotaz.

Yes, setting a trap for you like that is straight out of the dysfunctional handbook.
Normal people can address their concerns with you straight up.
The fact that you felt you needed to hide this from her suggests you may be used to this kind of dysfunctional relationship and anticipating a huge show of emotion from her. Does she like these kinds of "trap" tactics? That is a show of massive disrespect, btw.

Not to be completely hypocritical, but I too waited forever to tell my parents I was actually out and done with TSCC, but I never made a secret that I wasn't attending. I can't imagine trying to keep up a deception like that, but my parents were in the habit of asking me about what the lesson was on Sunday, or where in the scriptures I was studying, and I just couldn't see how to lie consistently about all that when I'd left the family ward and never even once attended the singles ward.
Now the lesson manuals are available online, it would be possible to be that deceptive, but I don't think they were back in the mid '90s. :D Well, I didn't have a computer either, lol!

Yeah, I knew she would respond emotionally. She always does. I knew how badly she would take this, and that's why I've been lying about it. I guess that was wrong of me. I knew it would have to come out eventually, I just somehow thought it would be easier to deal with at some later point in time.

I've seen her use traps and tricks like this from time to time on my siblings, but I don't recall her ever using them on me. She's never really had a reason to. I was always the good boy who did what he was told. I guess that's part of what makes this so hard. I've lived basically my whole life making her proud of me, then (in her mind, anyway) I pull the whole thing out from under her with a single decision.

Being an adult involves making decisions for one's life regardless of whether anyone else, including parents, agrees or not. The cat's out of the bag, so to speak, and that's a good thing in your case, because from this moment forward, you can choose to be truthful w/ your parents.

You're certainly not responsible for your mother's Mormonism-based, nonsensical belief 'bubble' or her emotion-driven reaction to learning that you're no longer a believer (in JS' fraudulent religion).

The bottom line is that TSCC systematically misled you - and millions of other Mormons - about JS, the BoM (the so-called "keystone" of Mo-ism), early church history, and much more. People have been leaving "in droves", according to a Jan. 2012 Reuters report (http://uk.reuters.com/article/2012/01/30/uk-mormonchurch-idUKTRE80T1CP20120130) and http://www.abc4.com/content/news/top_stories/story/Number-of-faithful-Mormons-rapidly-declining/rvih3gOKxEm5om9IYJYnRA.cspx?p=Comments).

Don't forget that the dishonest and manipulative LD$ Church repeatedly indoctrinated to hand over at least 1/10th of your money gifts, wages, etc. to the very rich church - but didn't share it increasing wealth w/ you. You, and millions of other Latter-day Saints were never given a share of the church's enormous real estate portfolio, for example.

If you didn't pay tithing, you were 'programmed' to believe that the quality of your mortal existence would suffer and you would not be allowed into the CK after death, to enjoy eternity w/ your LDS family members and friends.

The cultic, 'one, true' corporation of Je$u$ Chri$t used fear-mongering to coerce you to 'pray, pay, and obey'. In law, psychological manipulation is characterized as a duress crime.

There are facts in my recent post (May 09, 2013 03:56AM) at http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,888649,889393#msg-889393 that you could use in future discussions w/ your parents, if you so decide.

Whatever you do, DO NOT apologize for leaving the dishonest, money-grubbing LD$ Church! For generations, the unethical organization has perpetrated a MASSIVE fraud, raking in tens of billions of $$$ from duped and 'brainwashed' members.

Your parents should have woken up to the LD$ scam years ago, but they failed to activate their critical thinking and scrutinize their religion. They've wasted much of their lives supporting a religious sham; you're not obliged to follow in their footsteps.

Good luck!

Just a few weeks ago I broke my mom's heart too. Our conversation went almost the same way yours did, except I did most the talking and my mom did most of the crying. I was afraid my bishop might call her so I didn't wait too long so I could be the one to tell her and not him. I was severely depressed though for like a week after, but it got better soon. I think you'll probably feel better too if she decides to at least not bring it up any more and respects your right to believe what you want. You could tell her you're exercising your "free agency" or something. I would be super mad at that bishop though, he crossed the line when he called her.

I'm sorry.

Thanks for sharing your story. This is exactly what I'm worried about with my parents as well...I know that they will NEVER listen to anything I have to say and will believe that my wife and I have been deceived by Satan and his "anti-mormon" literature.

I know that my relationship with my parents (and in-laws) will suffer because of this decision and I am totally fine with that, because my personal happiness is more important to me than living an exact repeat of my parent's lives.

I feel disgusted that I ever defended Joseph Smith, but at the same time I know that I was deceived and brainwashed from an early age and I'm just glad to know the truth now. TSCC really does know how to break a family up!

But your mother was out of line.

It's time to let your mother deal with her own emotions. Stand firm. Own your disbelief, and do NOT accept responsibility for her reactions. She could have chosen to learn, to listen, to show respect or empathy. But she didn't.

It's normal for her to be disappointed, or even grievously sad. But the rest was over the top. Maybe she'll calm down after the initial shock wears off.

It isn't your job to shield your mother from the realities or difficulties of life. I say this as a daughter of a mother whose family members have, as a habit, protected her from bad news over many years. Something bad or upsetting happens, and we agree not to tell Mom. What we are really saying is that we don't think she can handle it, and/or we didn't want to get blamed/punished for upsetting her, or possibly making her sick (because that often happened). As if it's OUR fault if she internalizes her upset to the point that it makes her ill.

What did that create in terms of the relationship? Distance.

Your mother's performance was hyper dramatic, and choreographed perfectly for maximum guilt affect. First, she meddled (dishonestly) and pried, and then she freaked out and blamed you. Did your dad chew you out after she couldn't talk anymore? From what you described, her reaction was victim language. No wonder you didn't want her to find out. You said KNEW this would happen, so this is a family pattern?

I guess what I'm getting at here, is that maybe you have a backwards relationship with your mother. You are acting like it's your job to protect her feelings and take care of her. And yet SHE'S the mother.

Leaving the church can uncover all sorts of things about relationships, and methods of manipulation.

Actually, I had a really interesting conversation with my dad. He's a pretty chill guy, and very smart and logical. He admitted that his belief in Mormonism was not rational or held up by the facts, but he just knew it intuitively to be "true." I told him that I trusted reason and logic over intuition. So we basically had to agree to disagree on that.

I also found out that he holds some very interesting beliefs about God and the afterlife in order to maintain the cog dis that he needs to simultaneously be a smart reasonable person, and a Mormon. For example, he doesn't believe God is all-powerful. He doesn't believe that God is the one who consigns people to their ultimate fate in one of the degrees of glory. I told him that it sounded to me like he doesn't believe in Mormonism either! He didn't like that!

I am in a similar situation, and pretty much all I can say is that the conclusion I came to is that my mother broke her own heart. She is happy with Mormonism, but if she was truly open minded, then his situation wouldn't have happened essentially.

I know that's a gross oversimplification of things, but in a similar situation, that's how I deal with it. I felt horrible the first time I told my mother I didn't know what to believe (I didn't say I left) but I said that I didn't know if the church was really true. That sent my family into a fiery explosion of hellfire and chaos that frightened me so much that I didn't even talk about it again for a few years and pretended to go to church with a testimony. Then I left quietly, but instead of feeling bad about it, I have reasoned that it's my mother's choice to have a broken heart because of her involvement with the Mormon church. I am my own man, and I make my own choices. If you're offended, that's your problem and not mine.

A bishop calls the parents for an adult child and tattles on her. What if you had a real reason not to be in church, such as sickness or traveling for work. Shouldn't the bishop have called you first?

I wouldn't make too much of her initial reaction. Let her have time to process the news. It took my Catholic mom about a year to come to grips with the fact that I no longer considered myself Catholic.

Your mom had a church-induced fantasy for how her life would go, and you've busted that fantasy. Fantasy-busting happens a fair amount to adults. You don't get the house of your dreams, your fantasy car, the coveted job, or any number of other things. Most learn how to cope with it just fine.

I would ask her if she considers herself Christian. She will reply, yes. Then tell her that the vast majority of Christians (Catholics, Methodists, Lutherans, Presbyterians, etc.,) expect to see their loved ones in the afterlife. No entrance fee or temple marriage required. This is a *fundamental* Christian belief. People in other times, cultures, and religious traditions have believed in it as well. Mormonism has conditioned her to think that they have something special to offer her in this regard. They don't.

In what other church would a church leader tattle on you to your parents? That was so out of line. I would leave such a church for that reason alone. If you choose to resign, I would specifically tell that bishop that his inappropriate and meddling actions led to your resignation.

Sounds like how I "came out" of the apostate closet, pretty similar. Just give it time. What worked for me was taking a "don't bother me and I won't bother you" attitude. Eventually they just dropped it and its live and let live. This is a hard thing to go through, but it will be much better now that its opened up.

Just continue to let them know that even though you've lost your testimony you haven't left the family and you still love them. Don't suddenly disappear from their lives. I'm sure it will be tempting ;)

Yikes! So sorry to hear things blew up like that.

Not all Mormons are like this, but enough of them have a nasty habit of tattling on you when you're not living up to their arbitrary standards of worthiness. Even with my mother living across the globe from me, I was scared it would get back to her when she came to visit, so I decided to be upfront about my issues when she directly confronted me about them. She reacted almost the exact same way as your mother, and even went as far as to make threats in order to get me to go to church -- which she swiftly carried out without even trying to understand what I was going through.

Your mother's tactics in exposing your inactivity were dishonest. My father would do the exact same thing to my brother, except instead of eventually admitting someone had tattled on him, he'd try to pass it off as divine revelation!

It's easy to feel like a huge jerk when your actions send your mother weeping (I know I did), but the only person responsible for her happiness is HER, and the only person responsible for your happiness is YOU. Her dramatic reaction likely has more to do with her personal hang-ups and insecurities than you personally. Give her some time to process things. It took about a year and a half before things quit being so volatile and awkward with my own mother. Although she still hates that I don't go to church, she eventually apologized for her reactive behavior, and did her best to make up for the actual damage she did to me after I left (I suspect it was mostly my father's doing, and my mom felt she had no choice but to go along with it). We've mostly made amends, so hopefully that will be the case for you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/14/2013 08:32AM by faboo.

Been there. You feel like crap, but your mother is responsible for her own emotions. Any parent that expects you to live your entire life doing and thinking exactly what they want, are being unreasonable.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/14/2013 11:05AM by ladell.

1) It makes me furious that Mormonism does that to women. She's beating herself up for your decisions, thinking she's a bad mother.

2) I'd call that Bishop on meddling where he had no business meddling. You can't call someone's Mommy as though the person is only 5 years old. As an adult, he should have gone to you directly.

Stupid cult.

First thing I would do this morning is either:
A: visit the bishop and invite him outside for a short conversation
B: Call the bishops parents with some REALLY fun gossip
C: File a restraining order on the bishop
D: Contact the Area Authority rep and explain what just happened
E: All of the above.

I understand how you feel. I knew I was breaking my mom's heart when I left the church. And it's 4 years later and she just wrote me a letter telling me how she was a horrible mother that failed to teach me right and so it's all her fault that I left the church. I could feel her pain in the words. I hate that she blames herself and I knew she would, so I never wanted her to know. But she asked me point blank just like your mom did, "do you believe" and so I couldn't lie to her. Anyway, even though I've been out for 4 years now she's obviously not over it. I know that it hurts her and I feel badly about that. But you know, as some other posters have said, it's really not our responsibility as adult children to make our parents happy. And we can't control how they feel. And it's not fair for her to lay her pain on you.

The truth is, it's the church that teaches your mom to feel the way she does, so it's really the church doing this to your mother, not you. This is something that I am still struggling with--that I can't live my life for my parents, or anyone else. I still hold back and don't express my true feelings about many things around my parents because I don't want to stir the pot. But I'm coming to a point where I'm realizing that I can't keep living my life like that. There comes a time when we have to just be who we are, what anyone else thinks doesn't matter. As long as you're being true to yourself and your values, that's what matters.

I'm sorry that it happened the way it did, but it's better that she knows the truth, you couldn't hide it forever. Now you can be you, you are free now and you don't own your mother's pain. The church owns it, it owns all our pain. So hate the church for making your mom feel this way, hate the church for causing conflict with your mother and for disrupting your life. Hate the church, love your mom and be yourself. That's all you can do.

That is an extremely manipulative bishop - talk about treating an adult like a little kid.
Unbelievable gall, even for a Mormon.

But the cat is out of the bag now and your mother will just have to accept the fact that you are making your own decisions in life.
Just let her know that no amount of theatrics will change your mind.

As to that bishop, I'd call him up and tell him Congrats asshole, you just made sure that I will never be back.

Then resign via registered mail, that way the bish will be forced to process your resignation instead of dragging his heels.

Yeah. I should really tear that bishop a new one for what he's done. But I'm a super non-confrontational person, as you might have guessed by my actions. I'd probably go in there and say a couple mean (but truthful) things, then he'd get all pouty and I'd apologize.

Maybe I'll write him a letter...

I'm very sorry that this happened to you. As many others have pointed out, the bishop was extremely out of line... But that's par for the course with Mormon bishops. No respect for privacy or confidentiality. (This is one of the many reasons why my wife, a convert, never really understood the whole "lay ministry" of the church... no training means big mistakes and problems like this)

Anyway. It's not easy, hopefully with time, your mother will get past this. If not, no matter what guilt they lay on you, it's not your fault. Your mother is responsible for her actions, you are not her keeper, nor do you control how she responds.

It's a very painful process, but if it continues, gently remind her that you didn't make this decision lightly, and you made it for yourself, it is not a reflection on her, nor is it about her and you hope that she can understand that. You have to do what you believe is right and you hope that she can respect that, just like you respect her right to continue to believe in the church. Point out that you haven't been "evil" that you haven't worked to deconvert anyone and that you haven't changed. Hopefully, given time your parents will learn to agree to disagree when it comes to the church and you can have mutual respect, or at least be able to not discuss it.

I made a decision when I left the church that I wouldn't lie to my parents if they ever asked me about my feelings on the church. While it hurts in the short term, it's like ripping a band aid off. It's going to come off eventually, do you want to be slow and prolonged, where you have to remember what lies you told when? or just let them know, the cats out of the bag, the band aid's off and now that it's open to air, the final healing can hopefully begin.

It's horrible that the church does this to families. The church actively makes parents of inactive children feel like failures. It's not fair, it's not right, but that is the church's doing and it's evil. It's not your fault. All you can do is be honest with yourself and with your parents and do what you can to support them through this change in their world view, without compromising your personal values.

Again, I'm sorry your bishop's a jerk...

I really relate to this and my heart goes out to you. It was much the same with my Mom. As a matter of fact she often expressed that I did not Love her because of my choice. This was extremely painful. Living my truth has not been easy in that regard but I am happy and over time the Pain Body has subsided. Keep your power, keep your Love.

Thanks for your replies and support. I've had a night to sleep on it and I feel a bit better. It is a bit liberating to at least be out of living a lie.

For those of you wondering, yes, I am an adult living out on my own.

I realize that I'm not responsible for my mother's emotions. But on the other hand, if I hadn't told her all this, she wouldn't be going through what she is. Of course, her emotional response is a product of Mormonism, but it was my actions that brought them up. My mom is sad because of me, and that hurts.

I went through this with my mom shortly after my dad had passed away. It was a very unpleasant/ugly scene. She cried and acted like she was going to pass out, oh god it was terrible. I stood my ground even though my heart felt like it was ripping right out of my chest.

Fast forward several years. My mom lives with me and my wife, she is happy and never brings up religion. Once in a while she will inject little tidbits about church but for the most part she just leaves it alone. She knows I love her and she knows that who I am has not changed and that I am MUCH happier than I have ever been. She even bought us a coffee maker for Christmas last year.

Depending on her and you and how you handle it this should pass and she should get over it. The one thing I did when she was throwing her tantrum was to tell her that I still love her as much as I ever did and that my love for her was not conditional on membership in the church. I told her that I thought a mother's love was also unconditional and that if I was mistaken to please let me know because that would be one more thing I would add to my mistaken belief in the church. That really hit home I think because she told me that she does love me unconditionally. That is really the bottom line. She needs to decide if she loves you unconditionally or if her love is dependant on you maintaining good standing in the church. Its a tough question because she may just decide that her love is conditional and that will hurt more than finding out that the church is a fraud.

Good luck!!!

Remember that the man is not YOUR bishop. If you don't go to the church that recognizes him as bishop, he isn't YOUR bishop. In fact, he's only 'the postman', the IT teck, the mechanical engineer.

None of us wants to hurt our mothers' feelings, or make them feel like failures when we realize the church is a made-up fairy tale.

The church knows this, and plays its hand. The church is a cold hearted, ruthless, selfish, self-serving organization.

It will chew up and spit out anyone and everyone who gets in its way. It cares not at all about your mothers feelings. In this situation, YOU are the only one concerned about your mother's feelings, obviously you love her and it shows.

The church could not care less. Sad, but true.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/14/2013 11:43AM by danboyle.

Dont be so hard on yourself! It was the stupid bishops fault!! You only lied to save your families feelings. You know you were going to tell her sooner later. So now the cats out of the bag. Give her some time to process it. And Plan a good way to explain the process to her. While they sound super devoted. Its good u both declared your love for each other. Ive told my kids people who love each other will be together in heaven temple stuff not required. GOOD LUCK w/IT .Keep us posted!