Posted by:
forestpal
(
)
Date: September 01, 2014 02:48AM
Good advice, everyone.
Really, changing even the smallest details of your life, helps yu change on the inside. My children and I were abused in the Mormon church, so our circumstances were extreme, so maybe our recovery actions were extreme. Still, I decided that the Mormons were not going to dictate my behavior or values. For example, I made a conscious decision to keep my beliefs in God, Christ, and The Bible. The children and I attended the Lutheran church, and the Methodist church Christmas Eve candlelight service, Catholic organ recitals and choral performances. No one could accuse me of being a heathen.
I did not change my lifestyle drastically, on the outside. I didn't start smoking and drinking (why start bad habits?) My moral standards were far above most Mormons. I was super conscientious about telling the truth, after being taught to lie, to flatter, to be phony, to be a false, assigned friend. I had to get rid of the bad Mormon garbage that had been forced down my throat.
Yes, dress differently! It is fun to buy cute underwear at Victoria's Secret, and I doubt your husband would object to this. You can still be modest, but wear more colors, scarves and accessories. Something as simple as getting your jewelry re-cast makes a difference--I did that, too! I wear colored nail polish. I got rid of those hated panty hose and wear thigh-highs. I grew out my hair, and let it go naturally curly. No one knew I had curly hair.
I walked every day, because I was afraid I would be depressed if I didn't. Really, I wasn't deeply depressed, and as soon as I made a clean break with Mormonism, the sadness vanished, and hasn't returned for 7 years.
You have a different situation, because you can't make a really clean break with the cult. Your husband and his family are still TBM. Be careful not to buy into their lies about their own lives being happier than yours, God blessing them more than He Blesses you. You will NOT end up in "outer darkness." These are personal assaults on you as a non-Mormon. Don't take all this personally. Mormons insult everyone who won't conform to their cult--everyone! It is the church of hate, and much of it will be directed at you. Somehow, you must adapt to this, but first you must see it and acknowledge that this is happening. Mormon shunning is a reality. All of us have been shunned.
Being new in town can work to your advantage. You can approach new places as a tourist. Ask directions, say, "I'm new here." Strangers respond to that. When I first left the church, volunteered in the schools, because I had a teaching certificate, but also because schools are happy places, filled with the nicest people. I love children. You might like pets, and want to volunteer to help animals. I don't know where you are, or what your interests are, but you can make a list of things you enjoy, and do them--alone, at first. I started skiing again, and met a lot of people on the ski lifts.
Don't let your TBM in-laws dominate your free time. Don't let them try to take the place of friends. You need friends. If you work, this is a plus, for hanging out with your colleagues after work. My best friends were the non-Mormons at work.
Here is a fact: Mormons want you to feel "isolated" when you leave. They want you to feel so terrible, that you will be forced to come back to the fold.
When I first left the cult, the TBM neighbors would not speak to me, and would not even look at me. I left quietly, and did not make any fuss or do anything obnoxious. Soon, my children went away to college, and got married. I lived alone for 4 years--truly alone. In my loneliest hours, I was still happy that I was away from that dreary cult. No one was judging me because I was single, no one was blaming my illnesses on "lack of faith", no one was jealous and vindictive over my successes, either.
Try to look at being alone as "peaceful solitude." This could be an opportunity for you to figure out your likes and dislikes, set personal, solitary goals, just to please yourself. Many hobbies are best pursued by yourself, such as reading, studying, painting, practicing a musical instrument, sewing, writing, blogging, and exercising (if you want to go at your own pace and choose your own exercise). Bicyclists and hikers are usually by themselves.
Get a dog or kitty, to keep you company when your husband is gone. You didn't mention if you have children, or not. You could always babysit. RFM is here for you at all hours of the day and night.
Remember to have fun with your new freedom. Don't let the Mormons suck you into their despair and hopelessness. I really believe that depression is contagious.