That American Indians are really Jews who were cursed by God with a dark skin, straight Asian hair, and a Mongolian dot on their backs and Mongolian foids in their eyes. But, they're really Semites with Jewish (Lehi) and Arabic (Ishmael) blood.

That there used to be Quakers on the Moon who lived for a thousand years

That the Garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouri

That God lives on a planet near the star Kolob, and the Earth will fly back to Kolob before the second coming.

That Negroes are/are not and never were the cursed children of Cain, and that a black skin is/is not and never was the sign of the Curse of Cain, and that Negroes will never/will get the Priesthood before the Millennium is over, because Prophets of God did/did not only speculation teach this in General Conference, and whatsoever a Living Prophet says in General Conference is/is not the Word of the Lord

That Joseph Smith was a Prophet of God, and was/was not a polygamist who did/did not marry the wives of other men and young teen girls.

That Brigham Young was a true Prophet of God who did/did not teach that Adam was God the Father of our spirit, in the Journal of Discourses which was/was not an official Mormon publication for many years, and no doubt was/was not misquoted in his Adam-God sermons.

That there was no death anywhere on planet Earth before Adam and Eve partook/ate of the forbidden fruit, which was a fig, and that the cells of the fruit they ate never died until after the Fall, and that Adam and Eve were white people, Anglo-Saxon looking, and that from them came all the races of mankind.

That Noah saved all human and animal species except for the dinosaurs, which he could not fit on the ark, or that the dinosaurs were creatures from another planet, and this Earth was made from the remnants of other planets, which is why one finds dinosaur bones in the Earth, but they are not from this Earth, but some other planet that God destroyed in order to get building material for this planet.

That God the Father stepped down from His throne and joined sexually with His spirit-daughter Mary in order to produce the body of Jesus, and Mary was indeed a "virgin" in that she had sex with God her Father and not mortal man, but sex with God was exactly like with mortal men, why would God make sex with Him different from sex for and with His children, and this is/is not an official doctrine of the Church.

That the holy garments protects me from evil spirits and well as/not bullets, fire, and accident, and if I get into a accident and it harms me it means I was not living up to my covenants in the Temple.

That material wealth and success are "signs" that one is living the Gospel, and being blessed, but poverty and the lack or worldly success are "signs" that one is NOT living the Gospel and thus NOT being blessed by God.

That Joseph Smith translated The Book of Abraham papytus by the gift and power of God, from papyrus written by the Hand of Abraham, and we just don' thave this papyrus today because it was destroyed in the Chicago fire.

That the generation living in 1832 shall not pass away/shall pass away, before a House of the Lord will be built in Jackson County, Missouri, because Prophets have prophesied and testified this will happen.

That Mormon women are all pure virgins, and would NEVER EVEN THINK about doing anything sexually with a man not their husbands, unless forced to do so (i.e. a gun to their head or a knife to their throats), because all Mormon women are pure and only want to keep every last single commandment of God, and do not even think of wealth when it comes to choosing a husband, and would not date much less marry a man who was not already Temple worthy, because they all have the Spirit of Discernment.

That the Living Prophet and the Brethren all have the Spirit of Discernment, and nobody can deceive them, and if anyone came to them, like, say, a Mark Hofmann type, and tried to deceive them, the Brethren would IMMEDIATELY say, "Ah, the Spirit of the Lord has told me you are a deceiver...BE GONE!"

That some Mormon men born into the Church turn out to be gay only because they can't find an attractive woman to marry, but once they meet an attractive Mormon women, and marry in the Temple, they are no longer gay because God has given them an attractive woman to marry.

That when I become a God I will be given many wives, and we will create planets, and I will beget spirit-children with these wives to populate those planets, and those planets, like this one, will Fall, and their must be Saviors sent to those planets, and I will have the privilege as a Heavenly Father to step down from my throne, and choose my most beautiful spirit-daughters, and send them to these various planets, and I will step down, and send the Holy Ghost to them so they may bear my presence, and I will beget saviors with these beautiful daughters of mine, in the same manner and fashion that mortal men beget mortal sons, exactly, so that these Fallen Worlds will have Saviors to redeem them.

I believe in all this, because, I am a Mormon, a Latter-day Saint!!!

And God loves for it!! Keep up the good work, and most importantly PAY YOUR TITHING. All this crap doesn't come cheap, you know.

This is is really, really great. Where do I sign up?!

Church should be only a three hour mantra:

"Pray, Pay, and Obey...Pray, Pay, and Obey....Pray, Pay, and Obey...Pray, Pay and Obey....Pray, Pay, and Obey............"

For three hours each Sunday. At least Church would be more interesting than it is today.

Well. When it's all laid out like that it is/is not funny/sickening.

Bravo.

Also:

That God knows all of us perfectly, and loves all of us perfectly, but despite His love and knowledge about us, CANNOT let us return home to Him unless we learn the super secret HANDSHAKES and PASSWORDS from other imperfect mortal human beings who have been selected to make those decision for God -- despite his divine and superior love and knowledge.

I believe that one must learn secret handshakes and gestures which are curiously similar to those of Freemasonry, in order to by pass the angels and go back to the Presence of God the Father, and if I forget the handshakes/words/gestures, God will send me a little grey-haired angel in a white suit to help me, IF I'm worthy of course.

And a Mormon just believes!

whay make this stuff funny is that it is true.

Truth comes to those who seek. Mormonism doesn't like thinkers.
The facts set it apart from reality.