When I first read this (see the post “RE: John Dehlin – Slideshow...”), I was glad to see some info to refute so much of the BS about why we leave. And, I was tempted to send the link to family members.

Upon further reflection, I realized that nothing would change. I believe I know my family well enough by now. The reaction would be more along the lines of "Wow, look how hard Satan is working in these 'latter-days', to deceive even the very elect!"

They may see the information about various troubling historical issues, but that will not prompt them to research it for themselves. It will just give them a false hope that I can still be reclaimed if they can just help me resolve these issues.

This obfuscates the truth of the matter, which is of course that the Church IS NOT TRUE, it is NOT REAL. It is an IMAGINARY CONSTRUCT conceived and created for the sole purpose of DEFRAUDING any who could be deceived and thereby controlled by it.

True, the information in this presentation may help to build bridges between TBMs and those who have left, but that doesn't really help them does it? The whole deceptive system of belief in which they are ensnared, and the truth about it, are mutually exclusive.

This approach will only lead to an attempt to reach out to those who are questioning, to see if they can be brought back to belief. Nothing will change except the methods they employ to retain members and to try to bring the rest back in.

There may appear to be a middle ground here, but I don't buy it. I see no middle ground that doesn't include continuing to delude one's self. You either get it, or you don't. You either wake up one day (as most of us here have) and suddenly know it's a sham, or you don't. If you even think one particle of it is true, you don't really know, do you?

I see no use in coddling the deluded to build bridges, so that we can try to coexist in a world of delusion. As long as the delusion persists, what have we accomplished? It's just another form of enabling.

Let them think what they will of me. I have made my peace with it. Whether they think of me as deluded myself, or lost to Satan to burn in hell, or if they pity me, or if they don't think of me at all anymore, it doesn't really matter.

I choose out of victim-hood. I have been attacked, pitied, and ignored by my family. And it hurt. And it came at a time when I was already hurting, reeling in shock from the knowledge that I had wasted a lifetime, 50+ years worth, trying so god-damned hard to "make it", when there was no real destination to make it to in the first place.

So the results for awhile were depression, anxiety, confusion, hopelessness, sadness, despair, loneliness, even thoughts of suicide.

Two years later, and I say "no more". I choose out of all of that, and into acceptance and peace.

This doesn't mean I love them any less than I ever did. I am simply accepting the reality of the situation.

So, I have made a few affirmations for myself:

I will not enable my family members in their delusion.

I will live as authentically as I know how, given my current level of consciousness and self-awareness.

I will not judge my family members for being delusional as I once was, nor will I pretend that they are not delusional, for they certainly are.

I will never forget that the church is not benevolent. It is harmful, both in actions and intent.

The church is a monster, with one purpose, which is to feed upon the souls of men, women, and children for material gain and power. I, for one, cannot co-exist with it. It is a cancer. It will continue to grow, if it can, and continue to destroy souls, for as long as it is able.

Let us never forget what it has done to us and our loved ones.

Those who are still caught in its grasp are not bad or evil, but neither are they completely blameless, any more than we were.

(How many of us have admitted being ashamed and feeling guilty for having served the monster as missionaries, recruiting others, only to later come to our own realization that we were simply blind, and trying to blind others as well?)

In my very most honest moments, I came to realize that my beliefs, no matter how I came by them, even by indoctrination from a young age, were still a choice. And that I could make a different choice, and I did. And I will not be made to feel shame for my courage and a new decision.

I was brought up in a generation that believed in the inferiority of other races, that homosexuals were evil somehow, that women were inferior to men, and that might makes right.

I no longer believe those things, and it's because I made a CHOICE to LET GO of the indoctrination by parents, church leaders, and others in society, and listen to some deeper, inner voice that told me those things were wrong. I made a choice to grow, to expand, and to free myself from belief.

For me, leaving the church was no different except for depth of the beliefs and the intensity of the feelings of loss. I had to find the courage to LET GO of all I had been taught, simply because a more powerful truth was welling up inside of me, and I knew I had to listen to it, and give expression to it, no matter the cost. I believe that most of you know what I am talking about, because you have experienced it.

And if we have made that choice, there's the proof that others can as well. And if they don't, then that's their choice, and what is there to do but to accept it?

As an aside, I am not proposing that acceptance means that we have to keep our mouths shut. I maintain that speaking our truth is necessary in living authentically. Just as they may speak theirs, and often do. Acceptance, as I see it, is more about not being attached to the outcome. Thus, I may say to family members, and I have, “The church is not what it claims to be.” How they take it is not my business.

I will no longer feel badly about it. I am proclaiming right now that I accept all that came before, and I am letting it go. There will be no more tears from me over this, neither for myself, nor my family, nor my children. We will all go on with our lives, and there will be joy, and there will be pain, and from the pain, growth.

And we will all do the best we know how in the time we are alloted on this little speck of a planet we call home.

And in the end, every last one of us will return to stardust from whence we came, and perhaps we will at last find a less fragile peace than what we had here.

Isn't it marvellous (to quote GBH)--Those who actually care about honesty are the ones deemed pitiable at best and reprobate at worst. Those who choose hypocrisy and accomodation are the virtuous salt of the earth, and earn thereby the right to judge the honest ones. The virtue most in request is conformity, the sacrifice most lauded is a sacrifice of one's conscience. How absolutely perfectly the church has stacked the deck. Well done COJCoLDS!

Sad but true.

Beautifully written thanks for sharing!

Beautifully written thanks for sharing!

Thank you. I didn't start out to write such a long post, but as I wrote I realized that I had been feeling a new strength within that I hadn't felt in a long time, and I wanted to express it. Thanks for listening.

Wow, that's fantastic Greg. So well written. I agree with everything you say.

Tom Phillips

Fantastic!

Greg, that was beautiful and very moving. Do you have a Bio?

And just when did you start living in my mind? You did such a wonderful job of saying what I have thought for so many years. I am going to have Eric put this in the archives and if he doesn't (he has a LOT on his plate right now) someone REMIND ME!

Regardless, I will put it in my own personal archive--there is nothing I appreciate more than someone who can put into words what I am feeling but unable to adequately express. Thank you Greg!

Eloquent and profound, Greg, with so many powerful turns-of-phrase. I hope this gets archived, but please save it for future re-posting in case it doesn't. I added it to my saved files, too.

I forgot to add:

I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think JD's presentation will change the hearts of TheBrethren. They've known this information for a long time. What I'm afraid it will do is give TheBrethren a framework to structure General Conference talks that TBM's can quote and reference when one of their no-longer-believing family members presents the problematic information that led to their disbelief. TheBrethren will craft thought-stopper phrases that TBM's can fire back without a scintilla of reflection.

TSCC needs quick-and-dirty triage to stop the hemorraghing of tithe-paying members. So-what if families are irrepairably damaged. Anyone who stands in TheBrethren's way beware. "Apostates" are expendable. Collateral damage to TBM's is inevitable.

Yes, this is what they'll do. Because coming clean will never be the option they choose.

Thank you for such a heart felt manifesto that so eloquently states what so many of us have felt and lived through. Beautifull done.

Brilliant post, well said.

Beautifully stated, Greg. It sure is nice to run across real intellect. I love that about RfM. It seems that the truth is united in structure, but lies are all over the map.