Gosh I felt so much better after reading this article and realizing that I am not alone. When I visit Facebook many negative feelings run through my mind. Feelings of resentment and jealousy over the success, happiness and accomplishments of others. I feel like the same type of people post regularly. The type that are self absorbed braggers who have to relate every detail of their day. "Look at this amazing dinner I slaved over for 5 hours! Aren't I a wonderful mother?" (picture of said dinner.) Because my relationship with family is strained I feel obligated to visit Facebook once a day and "like" or comment on my relatives posts so they can see I am trying to make an effort. The Mormon themed posts are the ones that really affect me. Since most of my facebook friends and family are Mormon people like to "showcase" how truly spiritual they are in their posts. I actually feel quite a bit of guilt for feeling these emotions. Part of me wonders am I really so miserable myself that I can't be happy for other people's good fortune and success? Maybe it is just human nature to envy our neighbors and friends and compare our lives to theirs.

http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/facebook-making-feel-bad-yourself-181600314.html



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/24/2013 02:33AM by turnonthelights.

Now, You go out there and post the most depressing shit you can think of.

Raptor Jesus Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Now, You go out there and post the most depressing
> @#$%& you can think of.

When I see some of the uninformed,idiotic things that others post about, I feel pretty good about myself actually

My sentiments. (Not about you, of course.)

It can be like that with Facebook. You look at some peoples lives and think wow. These people have such great lives and great friends and family. Your own life can seem very dysfunctional in comparison.

But I think a lot of people are "fake" on Facebook.

It seems like tbm women especially do this, at least from my experience.

They seem to especially be the ones who make their lives out to be better than they really are.

In our circle of people, there are tbm women who really kiss up to each other on Facebook. They are always telling each other how beautiful they are and how wonderful they are, how "amazing" their families are, etc. Just very over the top with the compliments. You'd think they were the best of friends.

I was surprised the first time I saw all of these women together in person. Because they weren't acting anywhere near as friendly with each other as they do on Facebook. They were polite with each other, but that was about it. None of the over the top friendliness from Facebook.

That's when I realized it was all an act.

I've seen a few non-mormon women do the same thing. In my own family, there are women who, on Facebook, always talk about how much they love each other and how much they miss each other (they live in different parts of the country),etc. But get them together for a holiday and it's just polite hellos and small talk.

Not everyone does it. We have friends that tell it like it is. If they are having a bad day, they aren't afraid to say so. They are more genuine.

But it definitely seems like a lot of the tbm's in our circle want to appear happy no matter what's really going on in their lives. My dh tried to explain it in a joking way. He said: "Sweetness equals Righteousness"

We also have a tbm in the family who is always bragging about what a great Mom she is. Then her husband's family floods her Facebook page with compliments telling her how great she is and how she's the best Mom ever, etc.

But that's not the story that you get from her kids. According to her kids, they usually have to fend for themselves because Mom's never home. They have to do the laundry, clean the house, and make dinner for themselves because Mom is out shopping.

One of the kids missed a school dance because Mom didn't come home in time to drive her to the dance. Another daughter missed a friend's party because she was clothes shopping with her Mom at the mall and her Mom said that she wasn't finished shopping yet and so the daughter would have to miss the party.

So it shows you how fake (or totally clueless) people are when they tell her that she's the greatest Mom ever.

Yep. FB is just a never ending Christmas brag-letter for a lot of people, but remember, just like those letters, there are a lot of much less wonderful things going on in their lives that they're leaving out. I try to avoid the braggers as much as possible and enjoy friends who mostly just post about current events, movies, politics, etc.

It used to until I unfriended the santimonious TBM extended family members that felt the need to chide me like I'm a toddler. I also removed my SIL who would post the most obnoxious crap to try and provoke me (she's one of those who posts things about how much mommies sacrifice and do but in reality she sits around and plays bejeweled blitz for the majority of the day, my MIL and I went to see her one day and when we got there, on their couch they had their guns on their couch, loaded, and they had a VERY active two year old and curious 4 year old at that time. I got my niece and nephew and went outside to play while my MIL unloaded the guns and was putting them in the gun safe, my SIL refused to help so my MIL went off on her which got pretty nasty so the the kids and I hung out in the kiddie pool, played with the dogs and went to the store to get sidewalk chalk and we drew until that was over. I don't know what kind of judgement they were using there, My niece and nephew are into everything like most kids but these two are something else. I finally deleted her from facebook when she went off on me in a FB message for "being a slave to big pharma" (I have bipolar disorder, panic disorder with agoraphobia and ADHD on top of severe allergies and asthma that without that evil big pharma, I wouldn't have made it out of childhood most likely, the epinephrine that big bad pharma makes saved my life so many times I've lost count.) and she told me Ii'm too ignorant to think outside the box and try naturopathy and chiropractics which would "probably have me cured in a few adjustments" and I was sitting at my computer infuriated but laughing so hard at her ignorance. Oh, I also couldn't stand hearing about her super healthy paleo meals knowing that all she feeds her kids are hot dogs and PB&J sandwiches. A lucky day for them is mac & cheese with hot dogs. She goes on long diatribes about the importance of nutrition for kids and then that's what she feeds hers. The times my husband and i ate at their place and we'd have veggies like asparagus or broccoli and my niece would beg for just one, my SIL would yell at her "ONLY ADULTS GET THAT, EAT YOUR HOT DOG" and I wish I were lying. :( I'd sneak one to her later when my SIL would go smoke or something. I knew it had nothing to do with allergies, it was something else i just can't put my finger on.

I have awesome in-laws as far as my mother in-law and father in-law, but my SIL and BIL are insane and I stay far away.

No one else I'm friends with on FB makes me feel bad any more, I keep my friends list pretty small, though. If I start seeing holier-than-thou attitude or offensive stuff, I delete. It has made me feel awful at times, though. Keep in mind that it's quite the façade. No one wants people to see that their lives suck if things get hard, it's bs bs and more bs.

I've also un-friended all the obnoxious TBMs, but I had even more obnoxious Evangelifundicals that I had to take off my list. They can be, and mostly are, worse than the TBMs, especially during election season, when they can be even more racist.

I think it really depends who your Facebook 'Friends' are.

I had a Facebook page years ago with family and a few other 'Friends' that I didn't really care for. It made for a generally unpleasant experience.

Now I have a different Facebook page with 'Friends' that I actually enjoy communicating with. I like it!

My main problem with Facebook is that most of my real life friends aren't on it.

Unfriend the people who make you feel bad about yourself. You can control the situation.

I've only unfriended peeps who were abusive in their language or actions towards me in real life (they never used FB that much anyway). But the friends who post incessantly about their political views or how lovely the gospel is in their lives or only communicate one word: "Sigh," "Ugh," or "Yawn," have been unsubscribed from my list (which FB changed to "unfollow"). I'll see these friends again at some point and would rather not start our in-person conversations with a rant because they are friends for other reasons than their political or religious beliefs.

I don't get much out of my face book now that you mention it...

If unfriend some of my TBM relatives are they notified?

Well, I simply don't believe the Mormon brag posts. I've been a Mormon, and I know better. I'm in another group of people (not anybody on this board) that I can only describe as a social cult, which reminds me a bit of Mormonism. I know they're full of shit as well, but the group-think can be astonishing sometimes. I think they are pretty unusual though.

However, I have a friend who posts incredible meal pictures that she has probably spent hours on, grown every ingredient in her garden on a small lot in the city, etc. I think it's fabulous, and I think she deserves bragging rights. However, I would never spend that much time and effort on food. It just isn't that important to me, so I don't see why it should make ME feel bad that SHE does. I haven't exerted the commensurate effort and that is my choice. I'm just really impressed, enjoy the pictures and get ideas for things I might try sometime.

I think people take Facebook way, way too seriously. If it's making you feel bad, then you're doing it wrong. Don't try to be better than everyone else. Just post things you're doing that you want to share, and if you don't have anything to share then don't. Make new friends and unfriend assholes. Facebook is supposed to be fun.

I would never dream of posting what I had for lunch. Why would I burden friends with reading such trivia? On top of that my interests run toward the esoteric. Even our leaving Mormonism narratives, which can be the most gut-wrenching, cathartic experience of our lives, have limited appeal to a broad audience. It stirs extreme discomfort in TBMs and those not raised in fundamentalist religions mostly cannot wrap their heads around it.

FB, ultimately, is not about expressing yourself, it's about marketing yourself. You present to others on FB the image of yourself that you want them to see.

I don't give FB a promising future anyway. There's plenty of folks to whom it does appeal, but now FB is really trying to wring the revenue out of it, and it's looking more and more like a giant pop-up ad. The layout and how to use it is constantly changing. Privacy is a low priority. They're basically selling people's personal information back to them and getting filthy rich in the process.

I love FB. Love hearing about my friends' successes. So what if they are bragging about the good in their lives, the good things they've done? Do I begrudge them that happiness? Even if they are stretching the truth. So they don't post about their failures or tragedies. Human nature. I try to keep my posts light and/or funny, and I do try to gently "brag" about how well my life is going since I've changed my religious affiliations. My friends, even the TBM ones, tend to "like" my successes, as I do theirs.

I hate the political/gun control/super-religious posts, but have learned to quickly skim through and ignore what I know will irritate me.

If someone is making you feel bad, unfriend them. They won't get any notification. If they notice you aren't on their friend list and try to friend you again, ignore their request. Or, if it's really making you miserable, stay off of FB entirely. Don't intentionally fill your time or your life with something that is negative for you. You do have complete control over this.

You have the wrong FB friends. Mine are great! They post interesting articles, lovely pictures and when one of them has a success, we all revel in it.

If facebook makes you feel bad about yourself, get off it! Who needs that?

You need to unfriend or at least unsubscribe from people who are posting stuff that makes you feel down.

I confess like many others I enjoy FB. I love reading about what other people are doing with their lives. Some new and interesting stuff! I love seeing photos of my family and I actually do enjoy the occasional political banter--but what can I say? I like to rock the boat :)

The jealousy think I have shifted in and out of,particularly I think because I am still fairly young and trying to make me way in this world and fight for the life I want--so it can be hard seeing other people be successful when I am not there yet. However, my life has gotten exceedingly better these last few years ESPECIALLY after leaving the church. It has mellowed me out and made me really, really happy. I am in a place now where I can be patient and know that I am working toward my goals, I've squared away with not being able to have everything I want, and I can be happy and enjoy what I have now. I really feel like if you are overall happy with your life and in a good place a lot of those jealous feelings and feeling not good enough just go away. It is wonderful! It has been a journey for me. Now I am moving to where I can just be happy for other people.

I would also like to add...if it makes you feel unhappy about yourself maybe you should ask yourself why. Is it because you are annoyed? Jealous? If you are jealous what can YOU do to change that?

It's easy to control your Facebook messages. There are many options for that purpose. When you put your mouse over their name, there is a large drop down box to check what you want and leave the rest.

I make lists (groups) of Friends/Family and some are not on my Newsfeed. I can still check up on them in my lists though.

Facebook: It all depends on the type of people who are your "Friends" and Family and the type of things they post. I have mostly very positive, helpful, kind people on my FB. I post as many helpful and positive things I can find.
Negative, nasty, vulgar posts on any subject don't stay on my NewsFeed.

I use the Hide function and other functions that keep my NewsFeed the way I want it.

It's wise to remember that what others post is not about YOU but is about THEM! Good to know the difference. Never take anything upon yourself that doesn't belong to you. Have a good Filter in place.

I've found FB to be a very helpful and supportive social system that has been a mainstay when I needed it.

Eleanor Roosevelt said that nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. Obviously, you cannot control what other people post. You can, however, control how you react to it. If you allow other people's (mostly likely bullshit) braggings to bother you and drag you down, then I'm afraid that's on you.

I'd recommend turning off the computer. Go make a list of some of the things you've read that make you feel badly about yourself. Then think about what you can do to make changes in your life so that you could feel better about You.

For example, if someone is posting about all the lovely, healthy meals they eat every day, and that bothers you because you eat fast food all the time, then the control of that situation is yours. Don't eat food that makes you feel badly. Eat healthy, well-prepared food instead and see how you feel about yourself. Do positive things for You and stop worrying about what other people do.

This is part of the Learning to Have Boundaries process that all exmos have to go through. You do not own others' successes nor their failures. You only own yours. People do not post happy thoughts with the express goal of making you feel bad. You have to stop taking those status updates into your psyche and beating yourself up about whatever you perceive as your own shortcomings. Life, and Facebook, is not a competition. We are not trying to outrank one another. Striving to perfection is bullshit and we all know that. Being imperfect, IMO, IS the state of perfection.

Set your own standards for what you think is a great way to live and then only measure yourself against your own standards. A) Your standards are not the same as anyone else's, so others' standards are impossible to meet. B) Most of what people put up on Facebook is a front anyway. People want to present a certain image of themselves publicly. You have no idea what's going on at home behind closed doors. It may very well be the case that people who are posting things you allow to make yourself feel badly are even more miserable than you seem to be, and they are merely faking it until they make it. You never know what is really going on in people's lives, so it is pointless to judge yourself against others.

It's like people thinking that the 'great motivators' don't have bad days like the rest of us.
When people only put 'the best' in front that's the only thing you'll see about them.
Which of course is not the reality of their life.

and then got off it. I had "friends" finding me who I didn't want to find me. I was very picky about who I accepted friendships from and yet I still felt 'vulnerable.' I'm a VERY, VERY private person--even if I post here. None of you have ever met me--even if I've even posted my real name and where I live. If I want to share something with my friends, I e-mail them or go see them. fb unnerved me.

I also agree that it seems like an influx of Christmas brag letters. My TBM daughter also posts a lot of mormon stuff. Come to find out that since I wasn't saying anything about her posts, she thought she was making headway with re-converting her mother.

I, myself, also like my kids to have their own place that mom doesn't invade (they friend me, not the other way around).

Anyway--fb was a pain in the ass to me. I got off.

It is up from when I bought a few shares.
yup, my only comment :)

I guess I can understand why and how Facebook has this effect on people, but Facebook makes my life so much better.

Old friends from childhood who live on other continents who I never thought I would see again are a huge part of my life. I can make blankets for their babies when they are born and send them wedding gifts.

I can get emotional support on days I need it and give it to others. I get invited to parties all the time that I probably wouldn't if I didn't have these online friendships. Having just moved to a new town, I have been able to quickly build friendships because, instead of seeing these people only at school events, I see them every day online.

Yes, some people brag and some are rudely political and every once in a while I have a twinge of jealousy when a friend has a great adventure, but there is so much positivity. I ignore the people I don't like much and pay attention to those I do.

My personality has no use for Facebook.

I don't want there to be a place for people, even good friends, to find out tidbits of information about me without going through the effort of calling or visiting me.

I don't want to be overloaded with all of my friends and acquaintances broadcasted thoughts if they are not directly intended to be shared with me personally and specifically.

I don't want algorithms to decide what parts of my life are brought to others attention.

I don't want people to satisfy their curiosity about me by interpreting a public timeline of my internet posting activity.

I don't want my social networks to collide and overlap unless I intend them to.

My personality prefers quality over the quantity of communication necessary to maintain and build friendships. I find satisfaction by squeezing out more from my face to face moments.

Email, phone calls and texting can share everything else I need with perfect privacy and sincerity.

I text three pages or more of my poetry and thoughts to friends.
I frequently have two hour long phone conversations with distant friends (Way better than texting, or chatting online)
I leave 3 minute voicemails on the phones of good friends.

Communicating like this makes me feel more closely bonded in these relationships.

Maybe you're like me and are wired for the less is more approach by getting completely off facebook or in the least use it more as a tool once every two weeks or less.

Have you ever heard that Brad Paisley country song about: "I'm so much cooler online."

After viewing facebook, I feel a need to wash my hands.

I have a love/hate relationship with FB. I have enjoyed reconnecting with some old characters, but all it has become is a place to preach religion or politics. I don't mind people being proud of their accomplishments and if they need to air it, then it really does not bother me too much. The excessive use of exclamation points used mainly by TBM women which appears to me as blowing sunshine up everyone's ass, does.

Do I feel bad about myself...that would be a big hell no. Here of late with all the incessant liking of different hate messages, it makes me feel sorry for the dumb ass individuals who do not even research the validity of what they are liking. But then again, I was a dumb ass for believing the disingenuous, completely unethical story of JS.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/24/2013 07:37PM by tiptoes.

Facebook - the perpetual Christmas brag rag.

I only use Facebook to get filthy jokes.

I like FB. I like that I'm in contact with people like my niece in Florida who I've never actually met because my cousin her moved there when she was a baby. I like seeing pictures of my other cousins' vacations, because I'd missed all that back in the letter writing days. Most of all, I like that I was able to reconnect with many of the non-LDS friends that somehow disappeared from my life after I went to BYU and got caught on the Mormon hamster wheel. Some have been truly supportive and we've chatted about Mormonism privately. I really needed those non-LDS friends because a lot of the people I saw in my day-to-day life when I first left were LDS. Now I've made non-LDS friends here but my old friends were lifesavers when I needed them and most I'd found on FB.

That all being said, the only thing that makes me feel bad is that it makes me realize all the normal life things I missed being LDS. I don't get jealous of their trip photos or accomplishments - just of the normality of my non-Mormon friends lives. Oh, and I do LOVE deleting the Mormon nonsense from FB. I know it bugs other people when Mormons post their ridiculous beliefs on FB but deleting them is weirdly therapeutic or me.

No....I only communicate with real friends a family and kick everything else....

Ron Burr