I've been reading a lot of posts about couples where one half was a non-believer and the other half still believed.

I notice as I read these that most people who are concerned about the mental well-being of their partner are men concerned about their wives.

I know I might get some backlash for this, but I have a theory that although the church gives more power to men, women seem more prone to building their whole identity around the church than do the men...especially stay-at-home moms, where their only sense of community outside of home may be church (where working dads may also have community with colleagues at their jobs).

A little about me, now. I am female (convert, only mildly active at this point). I have found myself in a relationship with a TBM who knows that I do not believe. I have told him flat out that I do not believe that the church is true, and that I am likely going to resign. I also said that the only reason I ever show up at all anymore is because I don't want other people hounding him about me. (He doesn't shut up about me. Especially after he found out I fed missionaries on Christmas Eve. He tells people at church that I don't show up because I will lose my job if I don't work Sunday...which isn't exactly true). He has effectively gotten the HTs to leave me alone.

He tells me he wants to be a part of my life no matter what path I choose. But then he talks about how he "wants to be there the first time I go through the temple".

I know that this relationship cannot go any further unless he either realizes I'm seriously never going to go through the temple and decides he can live with that...or stops believing himself.

I told him that I've learned things and read things that have upset me. I told him also that I will not accept "you-should-not-read-certain-things" as an answer, because I think telling people what to read robs them of agency. He actually agreed with me on that.

I told him I won't share anything with him about my findings unless he asks me. He told me that was one of many reasons he loves me.

I'm optimistic because he wants a life beyond what the church has to offer him. He has told me that one of the things he loves about me is how I've introduced him to so many people he would never normally meet (non-Mormons). He's an incredibly brilliant scientist AND a talented artist. We do volunteer work together in the community that is not church-oriented. He's successful in his job, and well-liked by Mormons and non-Mormons alike. He has openly asked church leadership why the church endorses Boy Scouts but not Girl Scouts. (I explained this to him later. He didn't get angry, but did do some mental gymnastics.)

Whether he stays or goes, I don't think it would destroy him if he no longer believed. He has a strong support system (more than me) if he leaves. But, he's BIC, and has a good relationship with his family. He's the only sincere Mormon I've ever met. I told him so.

I guess here I have to apply Shakespeare's quote: "Expectation is the root of all heartache."

Either way, I've gotta make it clear to him that I'm never going to do the hokey-pokey in the Temple.

There are definitely a lot of women who don't believe with believing husbands on the board as well. Although maybe not as many as vice-versa. Apparently Mormon women aren't completely domineered by their husbands.

Anyway, yes it's probably a good idea to make it completely clear that you aren't wishy-washy at all on the subject. Resigning would be the easiest way to send that message, but not the only possibility.

I agree with bc, you should make it clear that you will never be going through the temple. Tell him that you love him dearly, but it's not going to happen. I tell my TBM friends that should I find out that I'm wrong after I die, God knows my heart and that I did the best I could and that's just the way it is. I can't believe, I can't unknow what I know, and that's it.

Yes, you're both right.

I think he's kind of in the denial stage, where he believes I am going to change my mind.

I have thought carefully about how to break this to him, and I've decided how I'm going to do it.

When the conversation comes up again, which I know damn well it will next week (Branch temple night...yee haw!), I am not going to answer with silence or a change of subject this time.

I will tell him this: "My participation in the temple would be a violation of the Fourth Commandment (Honor Thy Father and Mother)."

It is true. It would be dishonorable to my non-Mormon parents to be performing baptismal ordinances for their dead parents behind their backs.

Even more dishonorable would be to bar my own mother from my wedding.

I'll tell him I know that he is BIC and things are different for him, but would he ever go behind his parents' backs, or bar them from his own wedding? (This might strike a strong chord with him, because he knows I have a horrible relationship with my mother, and I don't know my father...but he has a great relationship with his whole family)

If that doesn't work, I have more. I think it's going to help, though.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/18/2013 09:26PM by jackamormon.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

What she said

(In this case not a sexual reference - just that I literally thought the same words twojedis typed.)

The "dominant husband" idea of the lds families is not so. For what I have seen for over 25 years is that the church teaches too much about protecting, serving or even revering the woman.
What about treating the men nice too?

I hear the authorities talk about the women crying, the husbands abusing, etc... And all that has made most of the men at church to feel guilty without a good reason. In the church, Men work, cook, take care of kids and please their wifes in everything.

Lds men are rather weak and some women take advantage of that.
I have the stupid theory that church women are in love with god or jesus and for them either one of those two represent the perfect candidate. Of course no one on Earth will match them therefore no man is perfect for those women.
Just my thoughts.

I think you make some real good points, there, Observer.

I've noticed with a lot of the guys in my YSA branch (in a big city), there are a great number of them who are truly manboys...you know the type...mid-to-late twenties, still live at home with parents, have a lovely XBox for a girlfriend...not exactly the makings of a "dominant husband".

I used to attend a family ward. It's been my observation that the way boys and girls are parented, there is so much emphasis on obedience that even the most dominant personality is diminished to defer to Thomas Monson and his ilk.

What if you would say to him, "I don't have to go through the temple, I've seen the ceremony online and I want no part of it. It's a ripoff of Masonry and I will never do it"?

You don't want to spend your life with someone who is always hoping and praying you'll change to make him happy. If there's anything I've learned in my 58 years, it's that being true to yourself is the one thing you don't want to compromise.

I think there are some mixed LDS and non-LDS couples who make a go of it, and you may be one of them, but your S.O. must be ready and willing to accept you EXACTLY as you are, with no expectations of a future conversion, or this isn't going to work.

DebbiePA Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> What if you would say to him, "I don't have to go
> through the temple, I've seen the ceremony online
> and I want no part of it. It's a ripoff of Masonry
> and I will never do it"?
>
> You don't want to spend your life with someone who
> is always hoping and praying you'll change to make
> him happy. If there's anything I've learned in my
> 58 years, it's that being true to yourself is the
> one thing you don't want to compromise.
>
> I think there are some mixed LDS and non-LDS
> couples who make a go of it, and you may be one of
> them, but your S.O. must be ready and willing to
> accept you EXACTLY as you are, with no
> expectations of a future conversion, or this isn't
> going to work.

This is my life experience as well.

Debbie,

Referencing YouTube, Masonry-ripoff, and my flat out refusal to "bow your head and say yes" will be my next line of defense.

Then my refusal to give 10% of my income to construct malls, when that money can be used to do God's real work...the kind of work he and I do together as volunteers in our community outside of church.

I want to use the least invasive procedure with this one. I think I have a very good chance that he will listen to me...so I have to be careful to do it in a way that he can digest. People close their ears when you throw too much information at them at a time that they are not willing or ready to hear.

He knows I'm reading "forbidden" stuff. He also knows he's invited to ask me about what I read. But as long as he doesn't impose the temple on me, I'm not going to impose the knowledge on him.

Any bridges we encounter I'll deal with when we get to them.

But is he willing to accept you with the knowledge that you will never join the church? Can he live without having an eternal companion that has been sealed to him in the temple? I'm not trying to be negative, really...but please go into this with your eyes open (both of you) that this will be a mixed-faith relationship with no expectations of change on either side.

Like Shakespeare said,

"Expectation is the root of all heartache". I'm applying that here. I know there's a good chance this relationship might have to end because of this.

I can't presume to know how this is going to turn out.

But I am not going to let the disappointment of being a member of this church project itself onto every other corner in my life.

Because when you expect disappointment, you're setting yourself up for heartbreak too.