My cousin left for her mission a couple of months ago. Leading up to it, we could all tell that didn't really want to go but was too ashamed to back out after getting her calling. Anyways, I kept contact with her through email every week since we've always been really close. She later told me those emails were lifesavers. She let on that she was having problems on her mission and was extremely unhappy, crying constantly in bed and refusing to leave. She came back recently after about 3 months and is now seeing a therapist and getting medication. I saw her pretty recently and she was like the walking dead-didn't say anything unless asked a direct question, didn't eat, and just kind of sat there. For those returned missionaries who have been through something similar, is there anything I can do to help? What are some things that could be going on in her mind? In her last email before coming back, she told me she felt inadequate and ashamed of returning early though she was happy to not be out there any more.

The zombie state could be an early effect of the anti-depressants. Give her time and a safe place to talk and I bet she'll come out of it.

I would just try to be supportive and loving. Let her know that a mission is not for everyone, and that she was brave to try it. Tell her that she still volunteered her time for three months which is a lot more than most people will give in their lifetimes. That she is a wonderful, loving, worthwhile person who deserves the best that life has to offer. Tell her that every life has a few bumps in the road and that she will eventually emerge stronger and even more compassionate for others who have their own trials.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/16/2014 08:33PM by summer.

Great depression video
http://www.wimp.com/messagedepressed/

Thanks for the responses everyone. I will give her some time, though I'll be checking in so she knows I'm around if she wants to talk. Tomorrow will be interesting since it'll be the first time she'll be at church since she came home early. I was thinking I might go with her even though I despise it and left it long ago to help fend off any jerks who want to give her trouble for returning early and to provide some support.

I think that's a wonderful idea. It would be very kind of you to go with her and help smooth the way.

Offering to go to church with her is a fantastic idea. She is probably still very shaky, and I imagine that there are people in her ward who will be perfectly happy to make her feel still worse. Going with her to back them off is a wise and wonderful thing to do.

Yes, do go with her. she will need real support, real love.
Sounds like she needs a rock right now in her life. be that rock. Hopefully she will be back to her self again soon.

Crossing fingers....

That should help a lot, even if she doesn't internalize it right away.

Lovely thought!

IMo, the hardest part is finding a therapist who will be brutal enough to tell her that her church is wrong. Religion is given such a free pass in our society that very few people are willing to take a stand, and even fewer are aware of the downside of religions. She will need a therapist who knows all about Mormonism and is willing to help undo all the years of misinformation that your cousin grew up with. The ultimate example is Elizabeth Smart, who fully believed that she was going to hell because she was raped. This is the kind of thing your cousin grew up with, and that is what the therapist needs to understand before he or she can begin to help your cousin.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/16/2014 11:55PM by slskipper.

That's another thing I've been thinking about. Part of me thinks it would benefit her to help get her away from the church but the other part worries that by pulling the rug out from under her, she may become lost with nothing to cling onto for strength even if it is just false hope. She just gave up 3 months of her life to something she believed in and I don't know if telling her those were wasted months would help or harm her.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/17/2014 12:22AM by liberalbutteffer.

I don't think it's wise to have her question her beliefs at this time. She has enough on her plate.

You don't want her to think that the three most miserable months of her life was a waste of her time?

I would love it if she would blame the church for those miserable 3 months and eventually leave if I told her that but I fear that it would just be like adding salt to a wound and that she would instead feel like I was an agent of Satan. In her last email to me before coming home, she said that Satan made her sick in order to prevent her from doing the lord's work.

Who is going to tell this poor child the truth? More lies won't help. A sick religion made her sick. Truth heals.

Help this poor girl by saying something honest to her.

What she probably needs more than anything is a friend. Keep in touch. Be her friend. Do things together. Go to lunch, a movie, walks, bike rides. Engage her in a normal life.

Tell her the church is a bunch of bullshit, and the problem lies with the church, not her.

I'm with SusieQ and Funeraltaters.

1. Be her friend, and show her that there are a million other things to do and think about, other than church. You don't have to talk at all, if she doesn't want to. Just go for a walk. Spend time outdoors, in nature.

2. Tell her the truth, but tell it as your "personal truth." If you open up to her, and trust her, then she might open up to you, in return. Let her know that you would never betray her confidence. You will know how to tell her gently. I think we owe it to the ones we love, to be honest. Don't go to church with her, if you don't believe in it. What she does with your truths, is up to her.

Zoloft, in particular, makes you feel like your brain is stuffed with cotton--exactly like that--and you have a headache for several weeks, in the beginning. Meds didn't work for me, because I was not depressed, and was diagnosed with something else. Leaving the cult cured my unhappiness. Be glad your friend is in therapy.

She is lucky to have a friend like you!

Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your own experience. I'm going to get all my other cousins together and start training for a 5K with her. I have no idea if she'll be able to run much right now but she has expressed interest in running with us and getting into shape and having all of us close-knit cousins together to support her will definitely help see she's not alone.

What? Mormon cousins? Take her out with a sick pack of delusional cult member?

F' it. Buy her Raptors' book and get her out of this soul-sucking cult.

Do you think that being Mormon is what defines someone? Those cousins aren't just Mormon, they're some of her best friends. Plus, most of that "sick pack of delusional cult members" happen to be on the brink of leaving themselves and they have been nothing but good friends to me when I was leaving. Lay off and stop making assumptions about people. Like I said before, I don't believe that shocking her with the truth right now in her fragile state would do her any favors. There will be time for that when she's not on the verge of hurting herself and when that time comes, I'll be using The 1st FreeAtLast's post as a starting point.

Training for and participating in a 5K is a terrific idea! The exercise is great for depression, having a goal gives her something to focus on, and the companionship of people who love her and whom she loves will offer great support.

I was 55 when I did my first 5K; I was surprised at how manageable it was. My time didn't suck, though it's not anything to brag about. Anyway, she should be able to manage it, and you can pace each other at the level that's best.

You're being so thoughtful and supportive for her; you seem to be a wonderful, loving person.

From Prof. Joseph's article in Psychology Today Magazine 14 months ago:

"The Secret to a Contented Life - Unconditional positive self-regard

"Feeling good about ourselves is important to a contented life. But the secret to feeling good about ourselves is unconditional self-acceptance.

"As children we often develop what psychotherapists refer to as conditions of worth. Conditions of worth are the rules we learn in childhood for what we must do to be loved. For example, we learn that we must be attractive, popular, sporty, tidy, respectful, funny, or whatever in order to feel accepted. Everybody has their own unique combination of conditions of worth. For one person, it might be to please other people. For someone else it is to be the smart one. For another it is to always keep their feelings in check.

"Conditions of worth become deeply buried within us and we carry them around with us, even as adults. Without being aware of it we judge ourselves in terms of how well we live up to our conditions of worth. As a result, how good we feel about ourselves becomes conditional. We lose our ability to trust the evidence of our own senses and defer to the judgment of others.

"To truly feel good about ourselves we have to learn to be aware of our conditions of worth and let them go. The secret is to learn to value ourselves on our own terms, unconditionally.

"What this means is that we make our own choices about what our priorities in life are, what our values are and what rules to live by. So when we kick ourselves for not living up to some standard it is our standard, not us simply kicking ourselves on behalf of someone else.

"Unconditional self-regard doesn’t mean praising ourselves unrealistically. Rather the opposite, we have to be realistic about ourselves, both our strengths and our weaknesses.

"As the psychologist Carl Rogers pointed out, when we do accept ourselves for who we are, paradoxically we become free to change and grow psychologically."

(Ref. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-doesnt-kill-us/201306/the-secret-contented-life )

Cultic Mormonism 'programs' Latter-day Saints, from early childhood onward in most cases, to unconsciously buy into Mormon "conditions of worth" (there are a lot of them). In the dysfunctional LDS 'universe', at it were, leaving the mission field early without a very good reason (e.g., being near death) violates one of the Morg's "conditions of worth."

Stalwart, hard-working, always-sacrificing missionaries are praised by the Mormon 'tribe.' Lacklustre, ineffectual, emotionally-troubled, etc. mishies are not. Latter-day Saints of all ages are 'programmed' to judge themselves by externally-imposed LDS 'yardsticks,' not our own independently developed standards.

The challenge for your cousin is to be reject imposed Mormon "conditions of worth" and learn to fully accept herself unconditionally. Said differently, she needs to learn to love herself just as she is. As her friend, it certainly seems that you've been doing just that, which has no doubt been VERY helpful to her!

Here's info. about how Mormonism 'programs' people and affects their self-esteem that you might want to review and discuss with her: http://members.shaw.ca/blair_watson/

Psychotherapist Dr. Nathaniel Branden (in CA) has a lot of excellent info. on his website about self-esteem that may be of interest to your cousin: http://www.nathanielbranden.com/

At some point, you could tell your cousin that Steve Hassan, a licensed mental health professional in MA and one of America's leading experts on cults, lists the Mormon Church on his website as a thought-control organization: https://freedomofmind.com//Info/infoDet.php?id=140

If your cousin is inclined in the future to leave the LDS Church, she'll be in good company! In July 2013, the New York Times reported about Hans Mattson, an "area authority" for the church in Europe who "discovered credible evidence that the church’s founder, Joseph Smith, was a polygamist and that the Book of Mormon and other scriptures were rife with historical anomalies." (Mattson left the church after spending his whole life in Mormonism.) (Ref. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/21/us/some-mormons-search-the-web-and-find-doubt.html?_r=0 )

You could also show your cousin the Jan. 2012 Reuters Special report "Mormonism besieged by the modern age" that said that LDS General Authority acknowledged to Latter-day Saints in Logan, Utah that people were leaving the church "in droves": http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/01/30/us-mormonchurch-idUSTRE80T1CM20120130

Brian Dalton, the creator, writer, and director of the popular "Mr. Deity" YouTube program, explains in a video why he's a "Formon" (former Mormon) - it's kind of funny: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfkHJmHYn6M

Good luck!

Thank you, The 1st FreeAtLast, for taking the time to write your response. That is all really useful information! It helps me as well as I'm sure it does liberalbutteffer.

If it has not been mentioned so far, I recommend taking baby steps with her. Go slow, establish a rapport. Earn her trust.

Inquire when you think she is ready if she would like to read something you found interesting and helpful.

Stay away from negativity about anything.

Listen.

If you are close (physically) to her, see if you can get her out to exercise with you: walking, running, biking for a start and then maybe some classes later.

Exercise really helps with depression, often as well or better than medication. Also, it will be a wonderful, low pressure atmosphere in which conversation will occur naturally.

Keep her close even if you have to do it from a distance. Depression is really hard because it is organic as well as behavioral. My daughter is happy, successful, but prone to depression. She is fortunate in that she will go for help when she is feeling down.

I wish the best for your cousin. It makes me really angry the way kids are pressured into missions no matter whether they are ready or not. I know a young man with Asperger's who was sent on a mission when he couldn't even look at anyone when talking to them. The pressure to go was overwhelming, and he had a big breakdown as a result.

Should we not be pointing fingers and blaming LDS Inc for this harm it is causing its own followers?

People are being seriously hurt, damaged and exploited…with very serious consequences..in this process.

LDS Inc will attempt to wash their hands of any of this. LDS Inc should be reminded that they cultivate a culture, and impress on families to promote, that this is REQUIRED by LDS Inc.

The American legal system gives great leeway to religious organizations, or really any organization that claims to be religious. However, LDS Inc exploits this in a particularly sinister fashion as it uses families, potential sexual partners, and peers to bully people into this damaging "volunteer" servitude.

I do think sooner or later we will see LDS Inc forced to pay out some very large sums for the damage they have inflicted on people.

I agree with you. The LDS church is a very damaging and punitive Incorporation disguised with a mask of religion.

That zombie state may be caused by her anti-depressant but maybe not. The truth is that she will be a walking wounded for months. She may not be able to verbalize her true emotions and feelings for a long time. She is still processing what has happened.

Telling her the church is bullshit upfront I think is a good idea without going into details about why. She probably isn't ready to study or hear about it yet. Her mind is not functioning well.

Tell her she can say or blurt out whatever she wants whenever she wants, you won't judge her. Just plain silence between two people can be a good thing. It seems in our culture that blabbing away about nothing is suppose to be soothing to someone. For lots of people it is not.

Going to a movie at a real theatre is a good form of escapism. Buy the popcorn, drinks etc. and be together without focusing on how bad she is feeling.

Good luck.

I definitely like the exercise idea. I live relatively close by and an do that. I definitely want to tell her that the church is a waste of time and that leaving it will make her happier but just not right now. I think if I was to do that now, it would feel like the world was following apart to her. Maybe after she gets used to her medication? I don't really know a lot about the medication but I hope that it's like you guys said where the side effects eventually go away and then we can discuss it. I have been pushing against the church in other ways with her. I've been telling her that she should tell anyone who thinks less of her for coming home to shove it and that they're opinions are worth nothing.

Sounds to me you are doing just fine with her. She is damn lucky to have you and your concern.

She needs her self esteem back and to do that long term you seem to understand that and are carefully showing her what destroyed it in the first place.

Kudos to you!