Hello everyone. I used to come to this website quite a bit a few years ago when I was going through a really hard time denouncing the church and choosing to not go on a mission.

I am 21 now, and I was away at college having an awesome time. I just recently moved back in with my mom, because I got a great job and I was still able to take online courses to continue my schooling. Also, it made it so I could be closer to my girlfriend, who I've been dating for close to 2 years.

My girlfriend and I aren't big believers in the church (mostly, me) and we pretty much go to church just to appease our families, since we both live with them. We are planning on getting married within a year.

My mom is ultra TBM and when I was away at college, she wouldn't ever really bug me about a mission or lay any guilt on me for not being that involved in the church, but since I moved home, she gave me a huge guilt trip about how sad and disappointed she is in me and how she will never get over me not serving a mission. She tells me that my girlfriend will resent me for not going (my gf doesn't want me to go. like, at all) and she says my kids will resent me and I not going will be one of my biggest regrets in life.

Basically, moving back home was a good financial move on my part, as well as being able to be close to my gf, but the relationship with my mom is starting to be how I thought it would be: filled with guilt trips and unintentionally making me feel bad for not being the only son that didn't serve a mission.

My girl friend and I would like to get married soon, but it's just hard because I know my mom and family wouldn't agree with it because I didn't go on a mission. I feel like the black sheep of my family. Sorry I am venting but I just feel like crap and I just want some comforting thoughts from my fellow ex mo's. Thanks for listening.

Is there anyway you can get your Mom to understand that her disappointment is about her, not you? And, that a mission is not for everyone?
If not, probably best to "agree to disagree" and ignore the subject.
You don't have to give her the power to "feel" anything.
You can tell you you are not going on any "guilt trips" so the subject is closed.
This is the problem with living at home as an adult with a parent who had emotionally driven strong attachments to YOUR choices.

Good luck with that!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/05/2012 10:43PM by SusieQ#1.

I've already tried the whole "missions aren't for everyone" argument. She doesn't buy it. She is the most TBM person I've ever met. I'm a huge disappointment to her and she truly believes that my life will be 100 times better in every aspect of life if I had went on a mish.

crowdedbalcony Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I've already tried the whole "missions aren't for
> everyone" argument. She doesn't buy it. She is the
> most TBM person I've ever met. I'm a huge
> disappointment to her and she truly believes that
> my life will be 100 times better in every aspect
> of life if I had went on a mish.


Ok... I hear ya. Now this is about the importance of "agree to disagree" and she can suffer with her disappointments while you go on with your life, knowing there will be some rejection that you have no control over.
Can't change her emotionally bonded expectations. Can't change your need to live your life differently.
I think you'll be a lot more at peace when you can move out of your mom's home.

I agree with you. Living on my own was great and i didn't have to deal with the constant guilt. Getting married and moving out is something i'm definitely looking forward to.

There is one more tactic that is really puts mom in charge of herself: Mom, please pray that you can accept your son the way he is with unconditional love. That is what the Lord expects of you!

If the worst thing you've ever done is not go on a mission, your mother should be on her knees thanking God for that.

Really? That's her big problem in life? You've gone to school, you have a job, a steady girlfriend, plans for your future.

She apparently has no idea how far off the tracks a child can go. I'm not hearing about any major illness, jail time, addictions, and a million other things that could be going wrong.

She needs a gratitude wake-up. Maybe take her with you to feed the homeless on Thanksgiving.

This is out of the ballpark for me. Every mormon parent should read this just for a minute, think about it for two, and THEN go back to putting the pressure on for missions and temples and whatever.

Don't you know? Righteous people never become homeless. The homeless are lesser beings. Like, a different species. Her child, homeless? Don't be ridiculous.

She uses the "blessings" i have in my life such as the things you mentioned like having a job, school, girlfriend, and no illnesses- as a tactic to make me feel like i'm not serving god by not going on a mission. See, she thinks that god has given me all these great things in my life, but i am too selfish to thank heavenly father and go on a mission. its mormon voodoo she's using.

+1

It sounds like your life is on a great trajectory. It is so sad when parents can't be proud of their childrens' actual accomplishments.

You aren't fulfilling your mother's little fantasy plan for your life. That's okay because your life is YOURS to live, not hers.

You might suggest she go on a mission to show you who's the righteous one. That would get her out of the house, perhaps! ;)
Nah, that would probably backfire spectacularly somehow.

Be strong! The greatest disappointments come from unfulfilled expectations, but she has no right to expect things like that from you. She's just annoyed that she doesn't have all the gold stars she could have if you were a good peter priesthood.
You don't reflect badly on her, she should be so very proud that you have a job, a good girlfriend, and plans for marriage.

YOu're totally right. Thank you :)

How old's your mom?

Encourage her to go on a senior mission.

My mom is a single parent and she turns 50 this year.

Time for her to start saving.

Bug her about it regularly.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/06/2012 08:11PM by lulu.

A little strange that so many parents think it's ok to express disappointment at their kids just because they want to make their own decisions and choose their own lifestyle, no matter how fine the kids are.

Would it be equally ok for a child to constantly harp at their parents, telling them how disappointed they are for them being so close-minded and sometimes outright mean and thinking it's ok to try to force their children to live a life that makes them unhappy? Grown-ups who don't first and foremost wish their children are happy and content, make me very disappointed. (My mother is one of them.)

Your mom will feel like this until the day she dies. Try to find the humor in it because she never will. If she brings it up give here a hug and tell her you love her anyway.

When you are young and starting out is a good time to be poor and struggling. You will probably never have to struggle as much as Mitt and Ann did :) but we all have to start somewhere.

I loved your post because you clearly have so much going for you and you actually know what you want. Good for you. I highly advise getting on your own as soon as you can.

What would be the look on your Mom's face if you said, "I wouldn't be considered worthy for a mission; I masturbate too much?"

I suspect the comment, I still love you even if you are disappointed in me would be better, but not as funny.

Sorry - that sucks!

crowdedbalconey, please vent! it is therapeutic to everyone. If you mom wasn't in this cult, she might be a happier person and so proud of her son her is making something of his life. But the cult doesn't her allow her to think that. She feels guilty and sadness over this. there is only one path to happiness, if you take another path. you're damned.

Sounds like you are doing good for yourself. it is your mom who has problems. the cult creates depression.

My mom couldn't see why anyone could like the movie "Go ask Alice" because it is about drugs. I said mom," then why is it so popular?" She only watches movies made by "feature films for families" . Mormons have very closed minds, that's is why their life gets sucked out of them.

Mom, you are dissappointing ME by not letting me make my own decisions, and by trying to guilt me into some thing to appease your own beliefs. (Then point out article of faith 11)


Maybe a bit too harsh, but some parents need a reality check.

People are going to be disappointed. It's not your job to make everyone happy.

A former boss gave me some great advice. She told me to not care overly when someone else is inappropriately disapponted in me -- "she'll get over it."

The next time Mom talks mission, tell her that she needs to start planning her own mission since she seems so interested in the topic.

If missions are so important then she should teach by example and go herself. God gave you your free agency or doesn't she believe Joseph Smith when he said that. You are in a toxic situation and I hope you don't have to stay there very long because she is trying to wear you down. I know you won't give in but the negativity could take a toll on you.

I think I'd say something like, "Hey Mom, I was so looking forward to spending time with you here at home before I move away for good. I'd really like it to be a memorable and happy time with unconditional love from me to you and you to me. But if your love is conditional on my going on a mission I guess I misjudged you all these years. I thought all these years you loved me just as I am. I don't want to become a liar and a hypocrite to try and win your love. Give her a big kiss and a hug and tell her you love her more than the entire Mormon church and nothing she could do, including hounding you endlessly about a mission, could make you love her one bit less. Then wink, smile, and give her another big fat kiss. If that doesn't melt her, nothing will.

She probably has some idea that you are getting serious with your girlfriend and are considering marriage even if you haven't specifically told her that. She is stepping up the pressure to try to get you on a mission before that happens because she knows once you are married you will never be able to go. She will always be disappointed but at least once you do get married she will have no choice but to just get over it.

exactly. she knows if I get married there is absolutely no chance i'll go. which makes it even more sad to me because instead of my mom being excited and supportive of me getting married, she is upset and disappointed that i'm "going down a path i will regret." my mom thinks that a mission is the only way to become mature and focused in life.

Tell her she needs to repent that she has become untemple worthy. Why? She is harboring ill feelings towards a family member.

You're the priesthood holder. Tell her you prayed about it and god told you not to go.

haha i actually have said to her that i believed god wanted me to stay home and push forward with school and get married in the temple ;)

The most important thing for you to do is focus on nurturing your relationship with your girlfriend and learning polite ways to tell your mom to f*ck off when she tries to manipulate you with guilt and pity ploys. Manipulators do not like it when their targets shut them down and refuse to let them try their manipulation tactics, but it's the best way of dealing with it. It's ok to politely remind your mom every time she brings up anything to do with you not going on a mission that the topic is not open to discussion. And then back that statement up by leaving when she pursues the topic.

Setting this boundary now will help your future marriage and be good training for you to learn how to protect your future wife from her mother in law.

You and the woman you want to marry must be your primary focus. Master setting boundaries with her now before she turns her sights to other topics (such as where or how you get married, blessing your children, etc)

"Mom, it's too bad that Mormonism has turned you against your own son. And here I mistakenly assumed that the Church wanted to strengthen families."

Ask her if SHE went!

I wouldn't let her. Every time she started up with it, I'd just calmly say, "Mom, drop it."

If she continued, I'd just keep saying, "Mom, drop it!" a little more firmly.

Refuse to discuss it at all. If she doesn't get the reaction she's looking for, then she'll eventually stop. As long as they get a reaction, they keep at it.