So, I finally told my husband my feelings of ambivalence about the church. In previous posts, I stated that my situation is very unique and easily recognized in print by anyone who knows me (i.e. members) but at risk of exposure, I could really use some support/advice.

My husband and I have been married for 1 1/2 years and he was practically BIC; I am a convert. We were both divorced parents, and he lives several hundred miles from me (for the past 7 mos). We both have teenagers in school, none of which wants to move to a new school. I work in my state and he works in his. I do not regret marrying him and have told him so.

Before we got married, he stated that his ex was never devout and only used the church if she needed help; she also lied to get a TR. He also stated that his dream is to serve a mission as a senior with his eternal companion. We are not sealed (he is to his ex and I am to mine). Although we have tried to get the clearance for sealing, no bishop will touch it when we are attending separate wards. I really don't think it would ever happen anyway, just because of the judgment that has been heaped on us since our marriage and choice to live apart for now.

I just couldn't lie to him anymore. I have never had a testimony of JS and I've always felt the temple ceremony was just a tedious ritual. I have never had "inspired personal revelation" that I can attribute to the church's god...pretty much it's all been just good ol' common sense. I am not an atheist, not even agnostic as I truly believe in Jesus Christ. I told him that I'm sorry and I've really tried for a testimony of all of it, but the only thing that I have in common with the church is belief in Christ. I explained that I have no problem attending, but that I cannot lie about the other stuff. I have no desire to become vocal about it, and I do not "hate" Mormons or the faith...it's just not for me.

I really love my husband and told him this several times last night on the phone. He responded with "that took a lot of courage to do" and "I appreciate your honesty as I've suspected something like this for a while now." I suppose my fear is that he will want a divorce. I tried to talk to him tonight, but this is the text I received:

"Just giving a lot of thought to the info you dropped on me last night. I have some big decisions to make regarding what will make me happy in life. I don't want to fake it or be unhappy either. Allow me that so I can be true myself. Goodnight."

Of course, I didn't answer back as I want to respect his wishes.

I guess what I need help with is if he decides he wants out. I can't hold it against him that, were he to stay with me, his dreams will not come true, but does this mean he didn't love me in the first place and only wanted to be with me because I was in the church? Then again, I don't want to minimize what he would be giving up to stay married.

I'm no newbie to this rodeo (divorce), and I've been married more than once. I guess ya just get to the point that you don't want to go through it again. If it makes any difference, we are both in our 40s.

Any thoughts?

Well, you will find out if he loves you more than the "church". You can't stay in a "church" that you don't believe in but I guess attending with him is okay but not fun. He wants more it seems. Is his family real active? If so they will tell him to leave you. You have not been together in a long time. Do you think he was happy with this time away from each other? If I were you I would expect divorce.....but although you love him this seems best if he will not allow you to live as you choose. I admire anyone who doesn't fake it. You need to be respected too. Best wishes and if your kids are older you can start again on our own....if it comes to that.

No, he has been VERY unhappy living apart, but we had no choice as we cannot make it on one income and my profession is too well-paying. His family is VERY active (one brother is his bishop) and my husband is super strong-willed...I find it hard to believe that his family will ever make up his mind for him, but then again, I guess he's never had to deal with something like this.

I don't have any fear, per se, of starting again on my own...I'm very independent and self-supporting...but it's that I would really not want to.

If I don't have any problem at all with his devoutness, then why should he have a problem with my unbelief?

You are only in your 40s? You aren't dead yet. Spending two years as a missionary sounds like a snooze and your ability to live apart is only reason to see that you have no real connection able to sustain a life together. You will need buckets of attraction and friendship to get along until you die.

Cut your losses if he isn't understanding and willing to leave himself. When you are past the breakup don't sit home and feel sorry for yourself. Date like a maniac and have a great time without worrying about finding an eternal companion.

I found love when I was entirely comfortable with being alone. Why do people in the confines of the Mormon chuch wedge themselves into impossible contortions to fulfill some idea of a relationship? There is only so much one can give without a little take.

Wow! I'm really glad that I don't live my life thinking about what I can do to be a better mormon.

What struck me first, and what I'm curious to know - between your phone conversation and the text you received from him, did he ever tell you he loved you?

The responses you give above sound like they're distant and cold, but if I were in pain or angry, I might do the same to protect myself.

That said - if he's "suspected it" for a while now, I'd say to prepare for the breakup. If he's needing time to collect his thoughts and decide what will make him happy in life, the fact that that YOU aren't that person (and that he didn't assure you of this) isn't a good sign to me.

I had to think about the conversation, but yes, he did say he loves me...but the tone of the conversation was definitely different when I "dropped the bomb."

His parents are not cold people, but he's commented to me on numerous times that he has very little respect for his mother and her luke-warm attitude toward the church. She is always complaining about health issues and does not go to the temple for that reason. She has also refused to go on a mission, something his dad has always dreamed about.

I'm prepared for his rejection of me, and I know I will be fine, but if (when) it happens, how do I refrain from calling him out on stuff? For instance, if he tells me that he just can't live with the fact that he will not be able to go on a senior mission, how do I prevent myself from asking him if his father is also divorcing his mother for the very same reason? Should I just keep my mouth shut and take whatever comes with no explanation? I'm also fine to do that, as I feel that taking the high road is better in some instances.

I agree that he is in pain right now...he closes down when that happens, but I suppose that if I have to extricate myself, I want to do it in the best way possible and it will be his choice. I've read too many stories on this site of mixed member marriages that work out that the decision to break it up will have to be his.

I think you are right to call him on the senior mission thing. His dad has not divorced his mom over it. Good luck. He may just want to please his DAD. Every think of that? My daughter converted to Mormonism....wanting to please me was the last thing she thought of. And we were close....she would not hold conversations about Mormonism with me...well, maybe two times she did, but she was so defensive. If he will talk more about his family I think you may make progress.

Boy, that's a tough one. I'm not convinced that he would be trying to please his dad (although it would...hell, his dad would be DEAD before he serves anyway!). Hubby has always been a strong individual and thinks for himself, but from my conversation with him last night, he is "in it to win it." He is a TOTAL BELIEVER in the patriarchal blessing, and his mentions that people will oppose the church and abuse him for his belief but it will just make him stronger. I was a little shocked and DID call him on THAT comment...like, "is THAT what you think I'm doing? ABUSING you?" He backpedaled on that one....

Also, I'm not sure if he's pissed that he won't ever be sealed to me now...but my thinking is that if he believes that is the only way into the CK, then his sealing to his ex has him covered so what's the prob?

What it all boils down to is whether or not what you want in your life and what he wants in his can continue to be compatible. I'm someone who tries to take the high road whenever possible (even if my thoughts get nasty and I'll vent it off privately). I'm well-aware my temper can flare out of control, and I'm someone who needs to take extra care to keep it in check.

To be honest, I don't know if I would "call out" his dream of being a senior missionary or not. I don't know that calling it out is productive to the situation - particularly now. IMHO, that would probably just lead into a nasty little tit-for-tat argument which does neither of you any favors and will just build extra layers of resentment.

If your marriage is to continue, it's definitely something that will have to be discussed at some point - but right now, your situation at present is the most important thing. Religion is a huge part of that current situation, but the specific act of a mission is not.

That's not dirty fighting at all, that's a reality check.
Who does he love more, you or the church.

It may come down to the church first after all, but at least you have put forth a good faith effort.

I don't think anyone gets to do ALL the things they want in life. That's just the facts.

Personally I hope my parents don't serve a senior mission either, but I know my mom is living for the day they get to.

*puke*

Thanks for your thoughts, Wink. I don't know when I became such a namby-pamby...when I've gotten a divorce in the past, I have had no problem just accepting it and having valid reasons for it. I'm beginning to think if it's even worth it with this situation. I used to be a pretty hard-assed person, and I don't want to go down THAT road again, but hells-bells, I also don't want this frigging church to be in my face anymore.

Did you ever consider you have a choice here? You don't want the frigging church to be in your face anymore. If you stay with him, it will be.

I know that sounds kind of cold, but it seems you've given all your power over to him.

I did that--so that is why I'm saying something. I left it to him . . . and most people on the board know what my situation was. I had EVERY REASON IN THE BOOK to leave my husband, but I stuck it out and he left me.

I'd make it very clear that you don't want the church in your face anymore and tell him, "If you can't handle this, then . . . " rather than letting him basically decide.

OK, I hear what you are saying...but if I ask him to handle it or else, isn't that kind of an ultimatum? And why is it OK for me to do it, but if he does it to me, it's manipulation?

Shit oh dear, what has this church done to my f*%king head!!???

Was the church not discussed prior to marriage? When you all got married, were you still a believer? I always thought that once I got through my partying stage that I would go back to the church and marry a TBM. I tried, but realized that marrying a TBM would then be a lie against my own self and against the TBM that I'd marry. I've always wanted to live a authentic self and I'm not quite there yet. Almost, but not yet.

Oh yeah, I was a believer. I went back to the church Aug 2008 and married hubby April 2009. Boy did I think I hit the jackpot...devout, priesthood holder, swore I'd do it differently. I think someone posted on here recently about going back to the church because they were out of control and figured going back to LDS was the way to go. That's me to a "T." It helped me out in the "crazy" department, but I fear it just replaced it with a new kind of crazy.

Hell, now that I think about it and see it all in writing, I'm probably better off if he wants to end it over this. I moved to his state Aug 2009 and had to move back to my home state because I couldn't get a job. Moving back to my original home really rocked his world, and the only way I could convince him that it was the right thing to do was to tell him in the CR. Of course, it was OK for me to leave my teenage kids with their dad and move away, but asking him to move here...well, he can't leave his daughter!

Shit, this all sounds crazy. The more I think about it, the more pissed I get. Is it possible to love someone and hate them at the same time?

you're not crazy, you're just trying to figure it out. Don't do anything rash, #1)I would find it very difficult to be married and not in the same home. That's just me. He couldn't support the two of you while you looked longer? #2) him expecting you to leave your children, all the while, he's close to his, hell no.

Keep hashing it out. It won't get clear until you all see each other and talk it out. However, I would think that the biggest issue would be the physical distance you all have now...jmo.

And that you had to tell him in the CR....wow, that alone is crazy! LOL!

What made you stop believing? Other than the obvious.

What made me stop believing? Hmmmm...well, yeah, the obvious..THAT of course. Several reasons, actually.

1. I've always had a problem with the whole F&T meeting "IKNOWTHECHURCHISTRUEJOSEPHSMITHISAPROPHETOFGOD" garbage. I've even voiced that to member friends and said "does anyone here have an original thought?" Whenever I bore my testimony, I never said that. That right there was my first clue..couldn't do it.

2. Tithe paying. I've never had a problem with it, always paid 10%, then woke up and realized that I really wanted that money to go to a wonderful program here locally. Again, I'm a firm believer that I need to "give of my increase" to help those less fortunate. I've been fortunate and I will do all I can to help someone else. I just never know "who" I'm helping in the church. This goes hand in hand with learning that the higher-ups are paid...lay ministry my ass! However, "tithing" to this local program somehow does not count when it comes temple recommend time. Also, I don't broadcast my giving (writing it here makes me uncomfortable even though you don't know me)...unlike some GAs who work it into their talks ad nauseum (if I hear another "widow" story, I'll puke)

3. Learning that the temple rituals aren't inspired. Nothing wrong with rituals...really helps some people achieve structure and stability. Just don't make them something they aren't.

4. Which brings me to the most important tipping point: believing is NOT the same as knowing. Call your beliefs what they are...BELIEFS! This is probably why my testimony wasn't up to snuff...I never testified of things I didn't KNOW.

Now about the distance part. Yes, that has been difficult. What bothers me is that I tried to move and it didn't work, emotionally or financially (no, hubby did not make enough to support both of us...I make more than him). Now, even talking about him moving here (when the kids are out of course) is perceived as "pushing" him....waaaaat? I did it, now your turn, man!

The distance part is probably the thing that raises my alarms up - what newlywed husband wouldn't want to be with his wife? And seriously, suggesting he move to where you are is pushing him?

That just sends warning bells up to me. It suggests a guy who has no interest in compromises or taking any sort of chance to improve his family's situation.