So last weekend I attended my grandpa's funeral. Of course everyone in the family (huge family) is mormon. It was my first time in a church building since I left Mormonism two years ago due to finding out it was a lie. My parents are incredibly devout and I realized that the funeral would be super focused on the "plan of salvation" and such nonsense. So I had prepared myself for the torture that would ensue during an already difficult time.

What I wasn't prepared for was that in my dad's "eulogy" to my grandpa (which said nothing about him whatsoever, all about the church crap) he specifically said, "I have a message for my children," (three out of the four of us are out of the morg). He quoted Hel. 5:12 about listen my sons...blah, blah, blah, your rock is Christ, etc. etc. or else you will be dragged down to misery and endless woe, etc.

He read it and as he read it, he actually said "and I want to include my daughter in this as well," and went on to read the scripture. From there, every story he said had something to do with how people he knew or grandpa knew left the church and then their lives were horrible, or they came back and were then able to repent, etc.

Basically in front of our entire TBM family and a chapel and overflow full of strangers, he called my brothers and me to repentance. I feel like of all the injustices I have suffered because of the church, this is one of the worst. To use this time when we were grieving, vulnerable and unable to defend ourselves as an opportunity to shame us publicly...it is pretty sick.

I know I will need to address this issue and I am not sure how to go about it but if anyone has had this sort of thing used against them too, I'd be interested in your stories.

I would wait a little while until you have calmed down and his grief has lessened and then I would let him know, in person or not, that I did not appreciate his little stunt and that it did not work.

Talk to your brothers and see if the lot of you can plan for activities amongst yourselves while ignoring the self-righteous blowhards in your family. That's my suggestion. :D

Its absolutely disgusting what people do in the name of religion. Morality, sensibility, humility...all thrown out the window.

"Why would anyone want to spend an eternity around people like this?"

My father did that to me and several of my cousins at his mother's funeral. He thought he was being bold. I thought he was being an ass. I've never bothered calling him on it, but over the years, things like this have caused a huge gulf in our relationship.

You could be kind but firm about it about it. "Dad, I know that you meant well, but that was r eally embarrassing and made me even less inclined to return to the church. Please, do not ever do anything like that again. If you do, I will leave."

but I wouldn't say I know he meant well or it was embarrassing, or anything else that suggests feeling less than confident in your choices. More like that was a mean and crappy thing for a father to do and it made me even less inclined to return to the church, then the rest. Then be prepared to follow through and walk out if he ever does it again.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/24/2012 03:38PM by munchybotaz.

You can reword it according to what you think his motives were and how you felt about it. The point is to be calm and firm.Like I said above, I would wait until things have calmed down. If you think talking in person would not work, you can write or email him.

That was really horrible.

I hope you have a plan for keeping contact with that toxic man to a minimum.

Thanks guys. No one else besides ex mormons really understand.

@Heresy that is funny. Most of my friends are shocked that a church would inspire a father to treat his own kids this way.

The really scary part is that my mom is terminally ill, and if he pulls this at my mom's funeral, we might never speak to my dad again.

Time for a pleasant little chat with dear old dad before mom's funeral:
"listen you senile old limp-dick, another stunt like the one you pulled at gramps' funeral and you'll be coming outta mom's funeral feet first in a box yourself."

Yes, SOMETHING needs to be said before mom's funeral. Preferably with all you "apostates" together, or a letter signed by all, or an email chain conversation forwarded to dear old dad with all of you agreeing.

The results you want will determine just how you get the message across. You could even pool resources to give your mom her own service somewhere else, apart from the mo one. Then boycott the preaching altogether.
But I think threatening no contact if you guys are made the object lesson would be my approach.
Not my life however.

I wish you luck getting the message communicated in a way that allows you to preserve your relationship with your father.

I feel much better from reading all your responses. I feel validated, and supported - which obviously I no longer get from most of my family. Really, thank you so much.

The last time I was In a morg chapel (sic) was for a funeral of a friend who killed herself. Astonished when the eulogy started with "indie not know my aunt well, but I am here to tell you that this is the true church." It went downhill from there. As I looked around the bare painted cinder block walls, and the complete austere appointments of zero religious icons, I always go back to what the hell was I thinking. To use a funeral to further one's religious interests is repugnant to the reason for being at the service.

Nothing like the "endless woe" talk to make you feel the love that most religions offer.

So sorry you had to endure that.

I refuse to attend mormon funerals for this reason.

There is already way too much emotion, pain, loss, etc. tied up with the situation. It is unlikely that much good would come from trying to deal with what was said at the funeral.

It is likely that other opportunities will arise to address these issues.

that was a shitty thing to say--shitty enough, I think, that it needs to be addressed.

It was shitty. There is no argument there.

Anything said at the funeral is going to contain the baggage over the loss. If people want to play around in that mind field, more power too them.

I personally think it would end up making those complaining look bad...

"How dare you be critical of what X said during their moment or grief, don't you have any compassion?" is just one of many responses that could lead to disaster that I can think of.

But as I said, if people want to deal with that sort of crap that very well could happen, more power to them.

And there it is.

That's one thing about my parents: As controlling as they both were, as annoying as my mom is with her elderly mormosity, neither of them would ever do anything like that.

My dad's sisters used to talk all kinds of smack about their kids--one even said she hated hers, at my dad's graveside--but my dad, and my mom especially, always sang my praises in public. My cousins grew up thinking my brother and I were special privileged golden children, because our parents built us up. I believed I was smart and beautiful, because my parents said so. I was surprised, actually, to realize I wasn't as smart or as beautiful as they said.

They didn't shame us in public, either--even when we were bad. Disciplined, for sure, but not shamed. So I have this idea that good parents don't do that ... ever, even at a funeral.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/24/2012 04:30PM by munchybotaz.

Reacting out of a state of outrage is not the best idea.

I am outraged as well, but I still think there are better options for dealing with this than the explosive possibilities of what happened at a funeral.

I was talking about my feelings, and really my use of the word "outraged" was a bit of hyperbole. But I do think these church-loving parents need to be called on their bad behavior.

Yes, they need to be called on their behavior, BUT, there is such a thing as choosing one's battles. I just think that there is too much baggage with a funeral to expect that picking a fight over what was said at a funeral is a winnable battle.

In the recent Mormon Stories podcast with Eldon Kartchner he reads from the Church Handbook of Instructions about funerals. It says in there that funerals should mainly be about preaching the plan of salvation. They can be about honoring the deceased person and sharing memories of him but that should not be the primary purpose. I guess your Dad considered calling you to repentance to be part of preaching the plan of salvation. The way Eldon's bishop treated him when his wife died was absolutely disgusting. I highly recommend that podcast. That bishop's behavior contributed to driving Eldon and 2 of his sibling and their spouses pretty much out of the church. I think they all had other issues but seeing the way the church really does not care about people but only cares about obedience and following rules I am sure helped them on their way out.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/24/2012 03:49PM by dazed11.

Why not chalk this one up to your dad using this whole thing as a way to get a handle on the situation? Just like every TBM who sees a loved one pass, they come face to face with the knowledge that we all die and no matter how much they believe in it they really have no way of knowing what, if anything, happened to their loved one when they stopped breathing?

Maybe calling you and your brothers out had nothing to do with you at all. Maybe it was just his way of seeking comfort in what was for him a difficult time as well. Maybe he needed to believe in his religion that much more and he used the apostate status of his kids as an opportunity to double-down on mormon beliefs.

If he had pointed at you and said "alakazam, boppity-boo, hocus pocus" you probably wouldn't care, but in reality you know that's exactly what he said. Anytime someone quotes from some holy book, they might as well be speaking gibberish.

What it comes down to for religious people, especially TBMs, is that most of them are absolutely petrified of their own inevitable deaths. Why not be the bigger person and let them shout gibberish from the pulpit if it makes them feel better?

Your dad's just a scared little kid whose body keeps getting closer and closer to the grave. It's kind of sad, really.

Frankly, I would have walked out.

I'm sorry you had to suffer through that. It was a crappy thing to do.

I think some people, even family are so programmed, so indoctrinated they don't realize what they do. The "gospel" gives them an excuse to turn off their hearts, minds and instincts.

I'm sure your father loves you all very much, but can't remove the blinders.

I don't have any advice.

But, I think quality family relationships are very important.

It is one of the most oppressive policies this cult has ever enforced upon the living AND the dead. It's one more area of mind control that this organization has decided it won't leave to chance. I hate Mormon funerals, they are devoid of hope, the plan of salvation notwithstanding (even for believers), compassion, patience and that super duper spirit of honoring and strengthening families that they preach hypocritically about.

I'm so, so sorry your dad decided to kick you when you were down. That is what Mormons are taught to do but they don't think of it as a kick but as a rescue. They are wrong - it's a low blow.

I agree with the idea you should wait until everyones' feelings have calmed down a bit and next time your dad brings up the church, simply say "Dad - I have a number of reasons for not wanting to be LDS but after what you did to my brother and I at Grandpa's funeral, I NEVER want to be LDS again. I never want to turn in to the sort of person who thinks that behavior is OK. I love you and I always will but you talk convinced me that Mormonism is every bit as untrue and damaging as I suspected. I'm not mad at you - you have done me a great favor by making sure I'll never want to return to the LDS church and validating my choices."

Sorry about your grandpa.

If one of my parents did that, and they would if given the chance, I would tell them I was ashamed of them.

Ashamed that they used a last opportunity to honor a persons life, to shame me, and divide the family that 's still here.

It would be no different than if you gave the eulogy and used the time to teach the rest of the family why they are being bamboozled by the mormon church. It's neither the time, nor the place.

Funerals are for honoring the person who died. It's not a time to spout your personal religious beliefs to a captive and often unsuspecting audience. It's rude, disrespectful, and has the potential to do a lot of damage.

I wish someone would do a little research. Out of all the people who have listened to one of these blindsiding funeral speeches, how many have went back or signed up to be mormon?
How many have been disgusted, hurt, angry, insulted, and maybe even separated themselves from their family?

I can just about guarantee that these 1st discussion funerals are not having the intended outcome. It's way more likely that the opposite reaction is happening.

The sad thing is that when your father dies himself someday, you may have a strong feeling of relief. That's an unfortunate thing to have to say, but I was in that situation myself (except I'm the only black sheep).

As much as I tried to feel the grief when my father died, and remember the good parts from the past -- the truth is I was profoundly relieved that I would no longer be singled out for his lectures, I would no longer get those depressing/insulting letters from him.

It's a sad legacy for any father to leave. I am determined that my children will never feel that way about me.

Sorry behavior, but very Mormon. Fortunately, especially if you are still Christian, he quoted Joseph Smith.

Perhaps one line of engagement would be if he was being Christlike or JosephSmithlike (modern Mormon-like BKP, Mark Peterson)

Why didn't you quote Jesus dad?

Dear Dad,

This past (insert time frame here)____ has been rather difficult for all of our family since we lost Grandpa.

At his funeral, I was overcome with grief, but I want you to know that I heard every word you said.

And, I AGREE THAT WE WILL MISS GRANDPA AND ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS HE DID. I, TOO, REMEMBER (Fill in the blank)_____ such great talents he had and abilities to (Fill in the blank)_____. I think Grandpa will be most missed for (blank ) _______.

I know he heard every word you said, too, And, he knows exactly how you honored his memory -- in the way you did.

Dad, be assured that I hope I can do at least half the job you did when I give the eulogy at YOUR funeral as you did for Grandpa.

Love,
Lydstra