You guys have been so great about my last MIL post I have another question. My TBM MIL invites herself to ALL of my children's activities, school, sports, church (when we used to go). she also expects us to e-mail her our children's sports schedules so she can show up at every single game. If I don't send it to her she harps on and on about it. I understand that this is related to her very strong Mormon upbringing and lack of boundaries, but the problem is things aren't so good anymore since leaving TSCC. I don't want her at everything. I wish she would just wait for an invite. The tension stresses me out and I don't want the anxiety of dealing with her when I am suppose to be enjoying my children's events. So, what is the best way to handle this? Anyone have some good phrases I could use that would deal with her self-inviting but not cause even more tension?

Stop complying with her demands and expectations. Use the word "NO" often. The more she pushes, the less you comply and the more you use the word "NO".

The ensuing tension is her problem, not yours. Eventually she will learn to regulate her own behavior, Either that or you will be rid of her altogether.

"Mom, considering the abusive criticism you have levied against us since leaving the church, we need some space.

Until we can work out OUR relationship with you amiably, we don't want to be exposed to your judgement at every single event our child participates in. When you learn to behave civily, and we feel we can trust you again, there may be more invites. But it will be at our discretion, and not at your insistence."

Of COURSE there will be probably be a blowout when she doesn't get what she wants. But you have to try not to care. Let her have a tantrum. If she's ruining these events for you, even if it's just because of the stress of having her there, like a powderkeg waiting to blow at any time, then she doesn't deserve to be there. She created the problem.

I'm surprised that she thinks she would be welcome after some of the abusive things she has said. I would make it perfectly clear that she better shape up if she wants to associate with you.

They BOTH need to handle it.

When you set up boundaries for the first time, it's going to cause a little additional tension. I'm for the direct, non-negotiable approach. "Sorry, no, I'm not giving out that information." Rinse and repeat. No excuses, no explanations, no beating around the bush, no being drawn into arguments. Just no, it's not happening.

I do agree that if it's your MIL, it's best if your husband can deal with her.

The first time my husband confronted his mother (via mail) about the way she had treated me for ten years we didn't hear from her again for 15 years. (First came a twenty paged single spaced letter re-inventing history and blaming me for everything that has occured to injure mankind since the Stone Age).

Her insults were vitriolic, personal and attacked me for such things as my hair color and the fact that I have a mentally challenged sibling. I need to stress that this woman not only ignored or taunted or insulted me for years but she ENJOYED it the way a mean girl of 12 might. Calling relatives to make up things about me was her hobby. As was calling me & hanging up when I answered.

A few years ago I told my husband he may as well extend the olive branch because if she croaked he may feel awful at the way things ended. They now have an email & occasional phone relationship.

I give her wide berth because I know she still feels the same about me and has to grit her teeth to treat me with civility. Why put her through that?

My point is that all happy in-law relationships are the same and all miserable in-law relationships are miserable in their own way--to paraphrase.

Talk to your husband, get it all out on the table and then decide what is best for your family. I STILL have friends who tell me they would have never forgiven their MIL if she had behaved as mine had.

I had to forgive her to move on. I had to forgive my husband for becoming selectively deaf when she said hurtful things to me. And, I had to forgive her for many things child might do, sending us his & her anniversary gifts the first few years such as an expensive watch for him and an egg timer with a mark-down sticker for me. Like I said, she can behave like a brat.

I did give up trying to "normalize" our relationship. She'll go to her grave hating me--a person who has never said or did one bad thing to her. Her other children-in-law have gotten more civility from her after divorcing her children. So I know it's HER issues, not mine.

Do what YOU need to do for YOUR mental health & happiness & the health of your family. I was so young when my abuse began from her and I wasted years trying to be accepted. I also literally cried myself sick after every visit.

My feeling is now that NO ONE on earth is worth that. Forgiving doesn't mean entertaining someone in your presence unless that is what you choose.

Wow. Thanks for sharing your MIL story. There is a lot that I can relate to. When DH and I were first married we were so scared of MIL that we would never confront her or even say "no". Im realizing that I need to do what is best for myself and family when it comes to her and stop worrying about what she thinks of me.

She only has as much power over your life as you allow her to have.

You may not like my advice, but I'll give you my opinion to consider anyways just in case it is helpful.

1) I wouldn't put too strong a correlation with her being a TBM. I know lots of TBMs who are minimally involved in their grand children's lives. My parents live a few miles from us and are only moderately/minimally involved.

2) I think it's great that she wants to be so involved and supportive of her grand kids. I don't quite understand why you don't want her to be involved. As long as she behaves. If the problem is that she is not behaving at these events and subverting you as parents, making negative comments, etc. then you have a problem. Then those issues need to be addressed firmly and quickly. If she can't behave then her contact with your children absolutely needs to be scaled back and you need to make it very clear why you are doing it.

here is some advice from people who have done it before:

http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/low-contact.html

What you are wanting is a low-contact relationship where things occur on your terms only. Its rough. If it doesn't work out you should look into the no-contact section of that website for information on how to cut her out of your life. She sounds like a terrible person.