I had a connection with someone recently--much, much more than lust. I am not even a spiritual person, but it felt spiritual.

I've never had such a soulmate connection with anyone, ever. We both said so. I am not the type of person to get infatuated easily. We both admitted we were afraid; now she wants us to hold off and doesn't know if we can be together, because of her triggers and trust issues (she has a lot of baggage, trauma, etc.).

I feel entirely lost. I've never been affected this much by anybody.

Random infatuation? I'm so affected I can barely eat or sleep. This has honestly never happened to me before and I'm afraid it never will again and that she won't ever truly want a relationship with me. Please help me put things in perspective.

Give it time. Give her space. I don't believe in 'soulmates' or 'love at first sight' but regardless, don't push things. Take it slow and see if you two can develop a real relationship.

I don't believe in soul mates, etc., but I think that time is a good thing.

Other Jesse and Jesse are both right. Nice to see you back on the board, Beth/Jesse! Hope things are going well.

Back off a little or you will overwhelm her and scare her away.
Play it cool for a while.
Don't call every day and don't beg for love.

When you dump too many emotions too soon onto a person who is trying to make up their mind, they may run into the opposite direction.

Yeah I've been there. From meeting to marriage to divorce totaled six months.

How come?

Because since I thought he was my "soulmate" I overlooked his glaring issues and red flags. I should have known he was nuts when he said he loved me after one week.

It ain't real.

Slow down and play it cool. Be her friend, nothing more for now. Try to date some other girls, even if your heart isn't in it.

Oh, and I have a "homework" assignment for you. Return and report on at least three significant faults that she has (of character, personality, or habits.) Everyone has faults. Find some of hers. The idea is to develop a more rounded view of her.

summer Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Oh, and I have a "homework" assignment for you.
> Return and report on at least three significant
> faults that she has (of character, personality, or
> habits.) Everyone has faults. Find some of hers.
> The idea is to develop a more rounded view of her.

My partner (of more than two decades) just got home from work, and after he undressed and got relaxed, I told him that I had read this post and asked him to tell me what my top faults are.

Here's what he said:

1) All-time top fault: That I really, really, REALLY (!!!) hate to be interrupted when I am working on something. (I am a writer.) He says that, over the years, this is the one thing that he has had the most problems with, because HE doesn't mind being interrupted when he is working (he is a store manager, and "being interrupted" is part of his job description), and so he has to remember to pause until he knows that I have reached a pause point myself in what I am working on. (He knows the difference between me in "taking dictation" mode---which is when I really do NOT want to be interrupted!!!---and when I am in cruise mode (when it's either okay, or perfectly fine, to interrupt me.)

2) That when it comes to his well being, I frequently think I know better than he does about situations like when his back is out. So I will automatically rush to carry the cases of water into the house, or to dolly boxes of books (he is also a book dealer), so HE doesn't have to do it...but he says that a lot of the time, even when his back IS out, he can do it himself but I STILL try to get it done so he doesn't have to do it when he is in pain, and he finds it REALLY irritating! And it is true: I DO do this! I hate it when he hurts, and anything I can do to avoid additional pain for him, I want to do.

3) He can no longer drive (an eye condition he was born with), and that means that frequently I have to drive him to other stores which are in his chain (for product transfers, etc.), or to bookstores/library sales, etc. (for his book business), both kinds of trip require long periods of time in the car for me when we get to the destination, and I absolutely HATE to be left in the car for long periods of time (a half-hour or more) alone. And this is true, I DO! Partly it's because of the seat of the new Toyota we bought (this seat does NOT work well with MY legs!), and partly it is the sun and the heat on the high-90 degree days (because, in recent years, I have developed some heat intolerance...which is weird, because I grew up as a blissful desert rat...but it IS true that right now, I have to be careful when it is full sun and degrees in the high 90s, because right now I'm not dealing with this the same way I did when I was ten years old and thought that 110+ degrees, in direct sun, in Baker was JUST FINE!). The other part of this is that I can sometimes be fairly claustrophobic (which has been true since I was a little girl; I ALWAYS--reflexively--know where the exits in any place I go are), and I feel trapped when I have to sit in the car and my legs are frozen in position because of the Toyota seat configuration, and most especially when there is no shade to soften the direct sun on the really hot days. (It's all made worse by the fact that our car is black, so it soaks up heat during the hot days.) [EDITED TO ADD: This is a fairly recent problem. When we had our Jeep, I was perfectly happy to sit there for several hours, if necessary; I would bring a book bag full of work, and just use that time as work time...and the Jeep driver's seat was WONDERFUL!!! I wasn't the slightest bit heat intolerant when we had the Jeep either...so this problem has only arisen in the last few years.]

So, after twenty years, these are the three things my partner says--from his perspective--are my biggest faults.

Good question, summer!!!



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 08/05/2014 12:04AM by tevai.

I think that's awful that your husband thinks your number one fault is expecting to be respected when you are working. To me, HIS number one fault is that he does not respect you as a professional, autonomous working person. It's not a "fault" to want to work uninterrupted. That just means he values your time and work energy/effort less than his own.

Then the next thing he considers a fault is when you show empathy and compassion in wanting to help him when he's hurting. Don't tell me -- let me guess -- he shows little empathy and compassion for you. When you are sick or hurting, it's business as usual, no expectation of help from him, amirite?

And your third "fault" is you don't like to be stuck in a hot, uncomfortable car. And that's a fault?

The good news is, you're perfect. All of things he considers faults are not personality traits or anything like that -- it's all situational. I don't think he even understand the difference between "fault" and "normal reaction to situations."

dogzilla Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Then the next thing he considers a fault is when
> you show empathy and compassion in wanting to help
> him when he's hurting. Don't tell me -- let me
> guess -- he shows little empathy and compassion
> for you. When you are sick or hurting, it's
> business as usual, no expectation of help from
> him, amirite?

Hi, dogzilla:

No! (I obviously gave you a completely wrong impression!) He is one of the most empathetic and compassionate people I've ever known!

When I am sick or hurting, he goes out of his way to help/heal in any way he can: whatever I need he does with love and affection...and he gives endless strokes, pats, backrubs, footrubs, headrubs (he is close to a trained professional in therapeutic touch of different kinds)...and he makes SURE I know how much he loves me, how important I am to him, and how much he wants me to NOT be in pain and to be well.

When it's HIM hurting, though, he feels--unless the situation is truly almost catastrophic, either in gravity or in pain--that I am marginalizing him if I try to take some of the physical burden off--like I'm somehow (unintentionally) demeaning him, or his ability to get done what needs to be done.

We are both oldest children, we both had HUGE responsibilities well beyond each of our years when we were growing up, and I think this is just a clash of our individual "oldest child" values ingrained from toddlerhood: If someone is hurting or in pain or needs something, TAKE CARE OF THEM, AND TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITY TO DO SO!!!

He is a wonderful, caring, loving, empathetic, compassionate human being--and I can say this with full confidence, having lived with him (and through some pretty grim times along the way) for over twenty years!!!

Thank you for caring about ME, dogzilla!!

:)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/05/2014 02:21PM by tevai.

If those are your biggest faults, Tevai, then you are in pretty good shape. :) I wonder if your brainwaves change when you are working, thus making it tougher to be pulled away from whatever you are doing. My brainwaves used to change when I was drawing or painting. Time would appear to slow and sounds seemed like they were coming from far away. I could work for hours by myself before surfacing.

summer Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I wonder if your brainwaves change when you are working, thus
> making it tougher to be pulled away from whatever
> you are doing. My brainwaves used to change when I
> was drawing or painting. Time would appear to slow
> and sounds seemed like they were coming from far
> away. I could work for hours by myself before
> surfacing.

Yes...when I am really deeply working, I go into an altered state where I am somehow "one" with what I am doing, and getting interrupted during those times is perceived by me, and my body, as almost a physical assault (even if it's just him asking an innocent question). I startle...I "jump"...my heartbeat instantaneously begins accelerating...

It feels AWFUL!

Your word "surfacing" is exactly what it feels like to me when I'm "coming out" of that kind of state...and it's is MUCH better done gradually than unexpectedly and instantaneously!!

Did you read what you wrote? Did you see the Red Flags?

1. she has "triggers and trust issues"
2. she is "not sure"
3. baggage
4. trauma

I want to say "if it's meant to happen, it will".....and I truly hope it does. When I met the love of my life, I thought I was set for life...and then she broke it off....got married & divorced...and found me again. Hope you are so fortunate.

Ron Burr

Lethbridge Reprobate Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> ...and I truly hope it does. When I met the
> love of my life, I thought I was set for
> life...and then she broke it off....got married &
> divorced...and found me again. Hope you are so
> fortunate.

Me, too......

Those powerful feelings of connection can be wonderful, but our brains have a way of filling in a lot of blanks when that is going on. Right now, anything you don't actually know about this girl is is being assumed by your brain to be positive. Take the time to fill in those blanks with real information. Either you will discover that your brain was mostly right (there will, of course, be some disappointments) or you will discover that your love-drugged brain was dangerously fooled.

Remember, this is why so many people end up thinking that their "soulmates" changed -- the person didn't change, so much as the perception.

Love is wonderful when it sweeps you off your feet, isn't it? The problem with being swept off your feet is that you lose your center and your stability.

Stay grounded by keeping the focus on you and what's going on in your life every day (work, family, exercise, spirituality, etc.). If you still have trouble concentrating, try some meditation and grounding-and-centering exercises. Here's an easy method to learn: http://www.wikihow.com/Ground-and-Center

Going running or doing weight-lifting, yoga, and other very physical activities will also help balance the emotions you're feeling.

Lots of people feel that intial rush of New Relationship Energy and believe they are soulmates -- but only time and lots of experience will tell. If it's that good, it'll last, so no need to rush. Meanwhile, stay grounded and focused in your own life and practice some healthy habits.

When the triggers and trust issues, baggage and trauma start getting interjected into your life and affecting you, my guess is this person won't feel like the soulmate you once thought they were.

As someone above said.....thinking they are a "soulmate" will just allow you to overlook all the things you shouldn't be overlooking.

Most likely what you are feeling is called compassion. You can feel sense that she needs help of some sort. Men often get the feelings of compassion confused with love, sex and she is easy.

You really need to back away and find a healthy woman to be with.

Yep.

Time in a relationship is a good thing. Separation can be good as well. If over time and distance you both can maintain a feeling of love and the desire to be with each other then it should last. I met my wife forty-nine years ago this month. This November we will have been married forty-six. Three and a half years time elapsed between meeting and marriage. I was smitten; she not so much. During this time the first separation was for three months and later we were separated for eighteen months. So in the time we knew each other we were apart twenty-one months and thousands of miles (Vietnam). In the time we were together we pretty much figured out that we loved each other and the time apart validated our love. So my advice is don't rush things. You didn't mention ages but if you are young getting some age will bring better judgement. Good luck and take the advice you've read here. It seems to be well meant and good.

I never believed in soul mates, but my ex-wife did. She found hers after being married to me after 17 years. I guess I found mine a few years later.

Going to give you what psychics and mediums believe about soul mates ----- for what it is worth ---- maybe nothing. If you mean people who you will live with as husband and wife forever and ever ----- definitely Not. However, if you mean someone that you will meet that you were highly likely/planned to meet and marry before coming to earth, and will be helped by people on the other side to meet ------ Yes for this life only.

However, that doesn't mean it is easy to know who it is. Meeting their relatives and friends can help to see if you have any obvious connection with the family as a whole ----- not always easy to know. Maybe you were suppose to meet, divorce and marry more than one person ---- also a possible planned event. Normally someone you marry, relatives and others you have close associations with are part of a soul group. However, their roles are for this life only ---- next life soul group may remain fairly constant but roles (husband, wife, kids, relatives, close friends, partners, etc.) can change significantly.

There is no such thing as a soulmate. Infatuation is known to affect the brain like a drug, causing short-term preoccupation that can resemble obsession, but it's NOT obsession unless it goes on for a prolonged period of time. What you're experiencing is actually very common.

I very much believe in soul mates. Dh and I met when I was 16 and he was 17. We have been together 39 years and married for 35. There have been numerous challenges through the years. But we both believe very strongly we were meant to spend this life together, that we have been together in many past lifetimes and that we will spend many more lifetimes together.

I have no advice for the OP. Just telling my experience for whatever it may be worth. Or not.

NYCGAl. Interesting what you believe. Do you follow what psychics and mediums believe? They believe in soul groups (normally our relatives and close friends). These soul groups spend many lifetimes together. However, the roles of each soul within the group change from parent to child to relative even change of sex in order to get experience and understanding/knowledge of the issues in each role. If you do believe in these type of things why ----- intuition or other?

I believe in the soul group theory. I also believe in spirit guides (friends from many lifetimes who are available to help us through our Earthly journies.) I've met my primary spirit guide several times in dreams. I believe she may be my great grandmother. My mom also relates information to me in dreams from time to time.