I spent nearly 40 years in the LDS faith. I served in different positions including as a Bishop. I was married in the temple, graduated from BYU, completed graduate work at a major school on the east coast and had a successful career. Yet, in the back of mind I knew it was a fraud. To make a long story short, one day (years later) I broke down and it fell apart. I became self absorbed (or it was just reflection of my own narcissistic personality). I was angry. I literally wanted to kill someone. I began to drink. I did drugs. I slept with over 30 women in a two year period. Suicide was a daily thought. I was f..ked up big time.

Fast forward 10 years. I still don't believe in the LDS faith but the days of drinking, drugs and sex are over. I am still married. Nobody knows what I did. My wife has no idea. The shame, the doubt, the anger, it's still there.

The reason for posting this story is simple. If you are confused, angry, emotional, you have every right to feel this way. However, I would go slow. Do not become so compulsive that you have no control. For most, narcissistic traits are not part of people's makeup. My story is not one of pity. My mistakes are mine. Mormonism is not responsible for my problems. My advice however will fall on cold shoulders. If you are like me in any way, caution is the only advice I can give. Don't allow Mormonism (or use it as an excuse) to screw up your life. Although I don't think what I did is common, it could cost you everything including your integrity and even your own life.

I'm not sure people are in a position to listen to advice when they get that messed up. But good for you for pulling yourself together.

If you are struggling with shame, etc, I think you should talk to a counselor (or maybe even a religious leader in a group that isn't about shaming its members) about how to move past that.

Call them selfish traits. True blue narcissists don't ever come to the realization that they are indeed narcissistic. And I have a hard time believing that your wife had no idea about drinking, drugs and sex unless she's really, really dumb.

I think that your story is a good reminder that moderation is a good guideline for those who are inactive or exiting the Mormon church. Meanwhile, forgive yourself. Treat yourself with the understanding and compassion that you would wish from others. When you were Mormon, you did the best that you could with what you had at the time. When you exited the church, you likewise did the best that you could. Now that you know better, you are doing better. Best wishes on your continued journey.

Good luck to you. =)

I grew up in an extremely abusive household where my father, a member of the bishopric, forced my mother to get down on her hands and knees, and lick his shoes.

He sexually abused my sisters, and told me, his 12-year-old son, about his deeds in explicit detail. While he sort of talked around that part about it not being the best idea in the world, he never got around to that part about this being one of the most evil things a person can do to their own flesh and blood.

My older brother raped me, then went on a mission without ever going through the church discipline process.

And then all that physical, mental and emotional abuse, all mixed up with the non-stop messages about following the priesthood leader of the family.

Several of my siblings have wound up psychotic from the trauma.

I sent through a period of extreme sexually promiscuous behavior, and ironically, in the eyes of the Morg, what I did was worse than what my father did.

Alcohol was my self-medication of choice, and that famously failed. I'm sober now, and fighting for my sanity.

For others, yes, it can be rough, but things can also get better. Some days are better for me than others, but I am hopeful for the future.

auwe, you poor little kid, outsider! Don't know what to say, I just want to hug you brah...

Whatever dude.. If you think you are gonna get a bunch of high fives because you think exmormon's have lost all moral boundaries then you are mistaken. Your story doesn't help those trying to recover and only fans the flames of Mormons convinced our life's really devolve to sex drugs and rock n roll if we stop believing.

I for one am a much better person as an ex-Mormon than I ever was as a Mormon.

@slc guy
oh now you come with all your confessions and regrets.

how can i put this..fuck you asshole.

you narcissistic prick. you cheated on your wife, you lied to your kids, your friends, your family, you wanted this and you wanted that so YOU could feel better about your sad pathetic little life.

you remind me a LOT like joseph smith.

did you start up a cult yet? un-fucking-real.

Hey darth jesus, take it easy on the guy. No doubt the guy has problems. Not all Exmormons are creeps. The same even goes for LDS members. There is bad in each group. One difference between him and Smith is he admits he has serious problems. Smith claimed to be better than anyone, even Jesus. I don't think this guy is claiming to be some prophet. Although the church isn't responsible for his behavior, it's teachings can cause problems.

I can see it happening in some cases. A lot of nevermo kids go through a party period in their late teens and early 20s when parental oversight is first removed. After a while the majority settle down, marry, and go on to live rather ordinary lives. So I can see how some exmos, coming out of a highly structured lifestyle, might go a bit nuts at first. The thing is, this is a phase that they should have gone through a long time ago, but didn't.

Interesting talk about shame.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame