I live in a heavily Mormon community, where the vast majority of people at my school are Mormons. Almost everyone I know is either a Mormon or in some way involved with the Church, e.g. they go to young men's/women's/mutual activities, go on camp outs, occasionally go to church. Maybe I'm exaggerating, or my perception is flawed, but just know that the Church has a lot of influence here.

I haven't dated anyone yet, or even so much as held a girl's hand or attempted to ask someone out to a dance or something (I hate dancing anyhow). But, like any normal teenager, I want to eventually date someone. However, I really don't want that someone to be a TBM. Honestly. Is there something wrong with this? Is it narrow-minded, bigoted, or superficial? Let me explain...

As we all know, Mormons are cautioned against marrying someone who isn't Mormon, especially someone who is an ex-Mormon and or openly critical of the Church. And if they do marry someone who isn't Mormon, they're going to work tirelessly to try and convert him/her. Dating is more or less the same story, is it not?

I also feel as though many Mormon girls WOULD NOT even think about dating, much less marrying someone who isn't an RM or planning on serving a mission.

What do you guys think?

I would classify not wanting to date mormon girls as a survival tactic.

Do you value your integrity? If so, steer clear of intimate relationships with people who do not value their own personal integrity, and who have plans to dismantle yours.

I grew up in a heavily morg-influenced area in Utah but as a no-mo, I wanted to date some of the Mormon guys because I liked them more than my choices of no-mo guys. But they only wanted TBM girls because dating outside of the faith was taboo. My brother dated a TBM girl for a long time and after they graduated, her parents had a talk with him. They said she could only date/marry a guy who would be Mormon and who would go on a mission and so he needed to leave. It was awful.

Good instinct on your part. I'm just sorry there aren't more no-mo girls to date. Good luck!

The funny thing is that the Mormon church is often criticized and called a cult for their stance that they shouldn't date outside of their religion.

However, in this case I think they are right about this one thing. The Mormon way of life is so extreme and so centered around their religion that marrying someone who is a Mormon will just cause a lot of problems.

You marry who you date.

I don't think it would necessarily be a problem to go on dates as friends with Mormon girls, but I would avoid getting in a serious relationship with one.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/31/2012 05:03PM by bc.

Agree completely. Better for both parties to stay on their sides of the fence. Such different desires and perspectives on relationships.

And yes, there is a TON of discrimination among TBM girls/women to not date anyone who isn't an RM.

You're better off all around dating non-members.

No.

Their values, ideals, and goals are magnitudes different than yours.

Used them to get hormonal converts.

I tend to agree strongly with that assessment.

If you are in High School (it sounds like you are since you mentioned YW activities), and you can find some open-minded Mormon girls to date, then go ahead and date. I consider High School dating to be just to have fun and get comfortable socializing with the opposite sex.

However, you DO need to be aware, that you may have to deal with some mild to moderate prejudice. Some girls might not date you at all, and those who do may consider themselves to be better than you. Or they may consider you a project.

I'd avoid getting SERIOUS with an LDS girl.

I'll tell you that after dating and LDS guy for a year, my daughter decided she never wanted to date a religious person again. There was a lot of subtle condescension, putdowns and boundary crossing from the guy AND his family. She didn't even realize how bad it was until after she got out of the relationship and got to breathe the free air again. Just be careful.

I have mixed feelings about it. You see, my Dh joined the church to marry me. I was never happy in the church but couldn't see a way out. By joining me, he really did help in my exit. He never pushed or said anything negative about the church. But when I'd make comments about hating church or about disagreeing with its doctrines, he'd calmly ask why I forced myself to go every week when it made me so miserable. He knew that by joining the church to be with me, it was a possibility that he'd have to wear garments and have to go to church forever but said it was worth it just to be with me. He's a great guy! We were married in the temple, 7 years later we became inactive and in another 7 years we officially resigned.

I now have a teenage son. While I greatly appreciate the sacrifices his father made to be with me, I would *cringe* to see him take the same risk. I do not think it's superficial to NOT want to date a Mormon and I really hope my children won't marry into the Mormon religion. But I'd probably still be stuck in it if my husband hadn't taken that chance.

What kind of complications if any have there been between your husband and his in-laws with your leaving the church?

Actually, none. My parents ADORE my husband, so they blamed ME for us leaving the church. They said my husband would have stayed a member forever if I hadn't left. They didn't care if he believed, they knew he would live it anyway because he'd do anything to make me happy. So in their eyes, it's all my fault. And you know, I'm really okay with that. It feels great to be free!

Thanks.

I think that's a great story.

I like stories where love outlasts dogma.

Here is some advice from someone who has been there. If you are not Mormon yourself, you should avoid any kind of relationship with a Mormon girl. It will not turn out well for you. In the meantime get to know girls that are not Mormon, like you. And since you live amongst the Mos it would be a good idea to continue learning the truth about what a scam the church is, and exactly what Mormons think about dating, marriage etc. so that you know exactly what you're dealing with. Remember -- knowledge is your friend.

Before I was mo I got involved with a TBM guy... and you can read my exit story for how well that turned out [read; not good].

I've often wondered this myself (if I am narrow-minded, ect) since I refuse to ever get involved again with a mormon in anything beyond friendship. But I know that it would cause a lot of heart-ache and problems if I ever tried. Many, many people cannot keep their religion off the table so to speak.

No, I am not comparing Mormonism to the KKK, but what I am showing is that you can learn a lot about a person by the orgs they join or support.

I don't like what the KKK stands for, so I would not bother with someone that belongs to and supports the KKK. I do not like what the LDS stands for, so I would not waist my time with someone from the LDS. Too much chance they would share the views of the orgs they support.

Hey, there are over 6 billion people on the planet, yah have to narrow the field somehow!

My experience has been very much in line with previous posters in this thread.

However my DH spent a year in St. George finishing high school, and he thinks I'm from planet kolob! He says Mormon girls put out like you wouldn't believe and he doesn't know where I get my ideas from.
Oh, just personal experience, honey! The girls I grew up with were very straight laced, and might flirt to convert, but had their eye on the temple prize the whole time.

So what I'm saying is... You might be able to find some mormon girls to have a fun time with, and maybe even help one or more escape, but all the above warnings are very true from my experience. Forewarned is forearmed.
And the last thing any of them know how to do is talk straight with you about it, so even if you find one who rocks your world and is the daughter of the bishop, cutting loose... She may, deep down, believe it's all true and she's a horrible sinner who will repent just soon enough to get into the temple.
And even if you ask her about her belief, she will lie in order to get what she wants from you. If that's just a good time, it might be fun. If she wants a man who isn't like all the RMs, then she may wait until after a theoretical nonmormon wedding to start applying the pressure.
Your only guarantee that the above scenario isn't in your future is to get her to actually resign. No mo with reservations would take that step, I'm pretty sure. Or it would be one really long con.

Good luck. There are some real winners in the world, it may take a lot of searching to find them, but good matches for you are out there, and they are nonmormon, too.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/31/2012 07:26PM by WinksWinks.

Protect yourself.

Do not get into the sway of the cult.

Even if you lay it all out having no desire to be part of the corporation, your lady friend just might consider you a bigger "challenge".

Good luck! Teen life is hard enough without a cult.

Yes, when I say "dating," I mean a relationship. Casual dating would be fine, though I doubt any Mormon would date me seeing as how I am an atheist.

No, I think it is smart. They are groomed from birth (most baby blessings talk about getting married in the temple) to get married in the right place at the right time (young) and you want to avoid that. Also, there are a lot of really cool girls in the morridor that have NO ONE that will date them because they are not LDS.

There are Mormon girls and then there are "Mormon girls." Get to know them enough to find those who are not serious about it... some of those girls are worth getting to know. Be honest about your unbelief, though.

That is a good point. If the girl doesn't believe / is on the way out you could be good. Entanglements with potential TBM in-laws could still be a huge problem though especially if you are perceived as the one who pulled her out.

bc said -- "Entanglements with potential TBM in-laws could still be a huge problem though especially if you are perceived as the one who pulled her out."

True. But why would you want to deal with that all your life when you could just avoid it in the first place?

If you're not Mormon don't invite trouble and headaches-- stay away.

I don't think there's anything wrong with dating Mormon girls at your age. As you said, you've not dated at all and, I assume, have no expectations other than to go out and have a good time. Go out and have fun, and if her religion comes up on a first date, you don't go out again. It's the reverse of small areas where Mormons grow up around non-members; who else are they going to date if they want to? It's just that, long-term (and you're nowhere near looking at dating with that perspective yet), you will probably seek out non-members. Why not both now? Jmo, o/c, and all Mormon girls aren't going to say yes to a date with a "non-believer," and that can be crushing to the ego. Good luck whatever you decide. You sound like a very nice young man.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/01/2012 10:08AM by ducky333.

We get quite a few teenagers who can't share their unbelief because it would be too hard for them to live at home.

So if she was raised Mormon - that may or may not mean anything. You'll have to get to know her to find out. Which is what you should be doing before you seriously date someone anyway.

But if she is TBM - you've got a lot of baggage.

Not really. It's just made you more legitimately cautious to a certain type of women from certain backgrounds. One thing I forget about a lot (because of my own prejudices towards Mormons) is that there are some good Mormon people who have been able to develop and maintain their own healthy personalities despite their religions' efforts to institutionalize them beyond recognition. In other words, fubar the crap out of their innate personality.

You're not shallow and bigoted--just wiser. Do give any woman a chance, though, because they're looking for a chance like anyone else.

Good luck :)



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/01/2012 05:21AM by liminal state.

Another reason that I forgot to mention in the OP is that I think my personality is a far cry from the typical Mormon personality. I can't really put to words why, but it is...

I lived in a very small town. Mostly mormons.

I dated a lot of morg women. The law of chastity didn't seem to be that much of a concern. I knew I wasn't going to be around very long after I graduated HS at 16-17.

I went overseas to go to uni in Australia.

When I came back, they were all TBM chasing RMs around...

None of them ever tried to convert me. On the other hand, my friends-male and female did. When we would go out, I would tell their parents I was going to lower them one level of heaven...

That's not bigotry. It's self-preservation.

Susan