Background: I was a TBM for almost 40 years, until last fall when I finally had enough of TSCC.

My husband and I married in the temple, and had only one child -- a boy -- BIC, of course.

We raised him in the church. We took him to Primary, where he could learn to sing "I hope they call me on a mission."

We took him to scouts, where he could learn self-help skills he would need when he went on his mission.

His father baptised him.

He proudly participated in the ordaining of his son to the Aaronic, and later, Melchezdik Priesthoods.

We made sure he was out of bed for seminary, and showed up for YM activities, scout camp and Youth Conferences.


We also made sure he always did his homework, and studied hard in his school work as well.

He was a relatively easy boy to raise, and he did all of these things with only a little bit of complaint. (What normal teenage boy does not rebel at some time or another?)


He graduated from high school at 18, and even though we had saved money for his college, he went and got himself a full scholarship studying engineering at Georgia Tech. We still had to pay for his room and board, but the tuition and books were completely covered by his scholarship.


We had saved for his mission too, and we figured that he'd go to GA Tech a year, then serve his mission time, then return back to school.


So we were really shocked -- and saddened -- when he was home for spring break that freshman year, and he informed us that he was not going to submit his mission papers like we were expecting him to.


I remember feeling like a failure as a mother.


I think he sensed this, because he went way out of his way to point out that if we had been failures as parents, there was no way in heck that he could have earned such a generous and prestigeous college scholarship as he had. He graciously pointed out that we taught him to discipline himself to set goals and then work hard to meet those goals. His goal at the moment was to maintain his scholarship (which required high grades or else he'd loose it), to graduate, to set himself up in an engineering career, and to marry.


He said that he just didn't think going on a mission fell into the plan he had for his life. He assured me that he would still serve others, just not in the mission field.


He pointed out to us that his own father was an honorable man and one who had done much to serve the Lord, yet he had not served a mission either. (This was because his dad joined the church after the traditional age for men to go on missions.)


I have to admit, my son handled the situation firmly but sensitively.


Today -- after learning what I have learned in recent years, and especially after reading the first hand accounts of many of the men on this board who have (or have not) served -- I am glad my son made that choice.


He is a fine young man. He left the church before we did -- I have to admit, I'm not much for all the scholarly issues like the Book of Abraham, or studying up on Joey Smith's sexcapades, or whatever, but my son has kept up with all of that. He, not me, has read books like Fawn Brodie's No Man Knows My History. He's read things like the Journal of Discourses, too, and other heavy books like that.


He's that kind of guy. Not like his mother, who is more practical, less academic.


Regardless, I realize now that my son was more wise than I realized when he hit 19 years old, and so firmly but compassionately said "NO!" to his parents, his former YM President, and his Bishop.


It hurt alot back then, but I'm glad I didn't try to do a guilt trip on him to manipulate him into going.


I guess I always knew I had to raise him the best way I could, and then trust him to make the best decisions he can make.


Thus far, he has not let me down.


Not even that day, back almost 9 years ago now, when he just said "NO!"

You did well. Even though - nine years ago - you thought that you had done something wrong, you did very well.

The blind emphasis on 'fulfilling a mission' is so wrong. When you look at the GAs, the top 15, and even the 'profits,' many of them never went on missions, and they prospered very well within their organization.

Congratulations. You have a wise son.

As a son myself, I must say that you did raise your son well...so well that he knew, at a young age, to stand by the conviction he worked to arrive at intellectually and spiritually.

I'd love to think that it was your unconditional love that allowed and inspired him to bring up the issue in an open, honest, and even inspiring manner. If you were a dominant mother and failed to give him unconditional love, he would probably refused to serve him mission without the heartfelt discussion you had, or he would have served him mission with deep, deep resentment, which would probably do more damage to him and his future than anything else.

"he would probably HAVE refused to serve HIS mission without the heartfelt discussion you had, or he would have served him mission with deep, deep resentment, which would probably do more damage to him and his future than anything else."

Parents contribute to their kids' adult choices but the parents can't take the credit or the blame for whatever happens or for the decisions kids make in adulthood.

I see childhood as are a lovely gift for parents and teachers. When kids reach adulthood, they must accept responibility and take credit for their own decisions.

Mormons have more trouble with this concept than most, but it's difficult for almost all of us because we invest so much of ourselves in our kids.

My TBM ex-wife could have written your story. She tried and tried so hard to get our son to serve a mission and it just didn't happen.

Her mission in life was in ruins. Addiction therapists call this "all or nothing" thinking because it prevents people from accepting partial achievements for the successes that they are.

Unlink your son, our son was difficult to parent. He exhibits strong ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) characteristics. Basically, he resists all authority or structures to make him conform. That becomes a volatile mixture with a Church founded on authority with an intense compulsion to conform.

We attended a group for parents coping with similar youth. Since we were the only LDS family there, in addition to all the standard youth problems (substance abuse, thefts, assaults, etc.), we had contentions over seminary, church attendance, mission, etc.

The father leading the group had a 26 year old son. He told us he had long since surrendered that his son couldn't discipline himself enough to succeed in college. But his son was working as a janitor and paying taxes. As a father he could be content with that.

Could my wife? NO her son *must* serve a mission. Then, maybe he could become a janitor.

I continued with the parenting group without my wife's participation.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/20/2012 08:42AM by idleswell.

One case illustrates what our lives were like:

We were taking a family trip for ~45 minutes. My wife starts with, "When you serve your mission..."

Before his mother can even complete the thought, my son interjects, "I'm not serving a mission."

This continued throughout the entire ~45 minutes:
"When you serve your mission..."
"I'm not serving a mission."

Both my wife and son were intent on having the last word. (Both exhibit rampant AHDH.)

Later I advised my wife that every time her son repeats that he isn't serving a mission it reinforces the thought in his mind. Her badgering of him on this point was reinforcing his opposition.

He probably would not have ODD if the church and your wife just allowed him to be himself.

Wow. You raised your son to think for himself, which is often incompatible with ongoing church membership. And Georgia Tech... on scholarship. Leaving the Church before his parents. Your son, and other kids like him, are the future of the church. They think for themselves, and they leave. Kudos to you and Dad, and congratulations on your (whole family) exodus.

Many scholarships (not attached to BYU) don't allow for a 2 year absence from studies. Was this a factor in your son's decision to not serve a mission?

And to anyone who needs to reiterate the point that many good TBMs didn't go on missions, neither did Grandpa Munster (Tommy Wigglyears Monson).

I am so glad that my only son was my last child. I was still very into the church when my oldest daughters were in high school. If they'd been boys, they could have easily been sucked in to the mission thing. My son left the church when I did (although he hasn't resigned) and he was 16. However, we did attend a couple of his friends' missionary farewells. One was a friend who told my son many times how lucky he was that he didn't have to feel pressured to to go. He came home from his mission after about a year.

My son's brother-in-law went out last year. He had twin brothers on missions already and was really feeling pressured to go. My son told me a dozen times that he was positive this third kid didn't want to go, but he wasn't going to talk to him about it since he didn't want any backlash from his inlaws. The kid made it through the MTC and about 2 months in Mexico then came home.

Your son is very smart to know it wasn't for him and know how to tell his parents that it wasn't their fault he felt that way.