So long story short Im going to be a juinor in college this coming fall. The beginning of my freshmen year I met the love of my life in the dorms, who at that time was not active in the church or mormon at all but had a fully mormon extended family. I dated her and began to fall completely in love with her. After the year we both go home for the summer and she got sucked back into the church by her family. The next year we both go back to school but now shes going to church and starting to be active again. After just a couple of weeks she tells me she cant date me anymore and she never loved me because I wasn't mormon. Throughout the year I tried to separate my self from her and find other girls but she wouldnt leave me alone telling me she always missed me. To put it short we went through many of the same cycles, everything would be great and back to normal followed immediately with her telling me she can't date me because "she wants to get married in the temple". so eventually after she completely broke my heart for the last time i agreed to read the book of mormon. to put it short i agreed to convert for her and just took the good out of going to church with her so i could date her. Since then everythings been awesome But now she's telling me she wants to go on a mission this next school year and i really dont know what to do. Ive tried proving her religion wrong with logic and facts before but that only blew up in my face and I was considered possessed by her. So recently i've been trying to convince her to stay with ethos and telling her it wouldn't be fair for her to leave me blah blah. But this is now kindve blowing up in my face too with her saying "oh well my patriarchal blessing tells me im going to know my spouse by his worthy carriage of the priesthood" and gives me some bullcrap article from 1986 about some dude leaving his wife to go on a mission for 2 years because of faith. So she's guilt tripping me into asking her to stay. I've tried giving her scriptures to argue "god wants us to serve him together" and saying why cant we go when were old or you can go until you are 24 but for some reason she just really wants to go, i think its all social pressure but idk she says she just really wants to help people- which is cool but there are so many other ways to do that! And from what ive seen they treat female missionaries like second class citizens with jobs giving tours and what not. So im just completely stuck inbetween a rock and a hard place.

I really dont know what to do and would love any type of advice. should i just let her go and do whatever till she gets back? im afraid if she goes shell come back completely brainwashed and different and want to marry a return missionary as well- even though she says now she doesnt care if i go on one, i feel like this could easily change, and im not going to go on a mission. And im sorry but those mormon undergarments are creepy as hell and that would scare me away.

Or should i just suck up my pride and get her to stay because i would be too hurt if she left, which i really would. But if i do this i feel like she would always hold it against me and look down on me for this. and i really feel like i should let her make her own decision. I dont want to come off as controlling at all.

Shes going to come visit me after her study abroad trip later this month and my family is all nonmormon. I also live on the opposite side of the country as her which could help pull her away from her mormon ties. Should i just wait till she comes and visits then ask her a few questions to make her think about if she really wants to go? maybe pulling her away from her mormon ties and family would really change her mind and bring her back to freshmen year her.

Overall im completely lost and cant sleep at night. when i fall asleep its dreaming about her leaving. I dont want to lose her from my life because i love her so much. But im afraid if she goes ill lose her, or if i ask her to stay ill lose her, unless she decides on her own. I have no idea any advice would be great.

Much love.

You lost me at "but she wouldnt leave me alone telling me she always missed me".

She's a b!tch for playing you and doesn't deserve you. Run like hell!

I joined to save my marriage. We divorced 10 years later. If you can't be true to yourself you can't be true to her. Being a fake Mormon for the sake of marriage / relationship will eat you up inside everyday. Not being able to be yourself and constantly on guard trying to not let your true self out.

Don't be fake with her. Be true to her and yourself and let the chips fall where they may. If she loves you she will except you for you. Just love her and let her do her thing. Sounds like you have tried to show her the truth about tscc and that's all you cam do. Her going may very well wake her up to the crap tscc really is.

thanks for your advice i think ill lay it all on the line when she comes and visits.

i made her sound like a bitch by what i wrote- she really is a good person. just brainwashed.

no dude......you made her sound like a BIG B!TCH... because she is one!!!

Why are you allowing her to manipulate you like that????
There is no such "nice person" that would treat anyone
the way she is treating you!!! Are you kidding me???

She is a BIG manipulative B!TCH!!! I agree with a
lot of people here......RUN DUDEMAN....RUN!!!

You are very young, you have your whole life ahead of you...don't get so caught up with a big b!tch like her....Trust me, you'll come up ahead without her in a long run!!!

You can't go back to how it was freshman year. That ship already sailed. I have to ask you this -- were you ever a priority for her? She repeatedly yanked you around, wasn't happy with you until you converted, is going on a study abroad trip, and wants to go on a mission. This doesn't sound like a girl who is into you all that much. You want to know what she is into? The church. The church holds a much higher position in her esteem than you do. Do you really want to play second fiddle to an organization?

I'm going to tell you this having been quite lovesick at your age -- it takes two people to make a relationship. It can't all be you, no matter how much you love her. She has to love you back. And based on what you've shared, I don't think that she does love you back -- not in the way that you want and need.

My real advice is to cut and run, but at a minimum, I would tell her that if she goes on a mission, you will take that as a signal that you are free to date other women. Honestly, I think that you can find any number of girls who would treat you a whole lot better than this girl has. Your girlfriend has made her priority clear, and unfortunately it is not you.

she always tells me she loves alot and she really does. but she says she wants to serve the lord first. i just really think she is brainwashed because i can tell she loves me by her actions and things she says to me. I want to save her but a part of me just thinks she wants to believe in the fairytale, and do it because her whole family is.

I'm sure that you've heard the expression, "actions speak louder than words." IMO her actions are that of a girl who is not very interested in you. If the situation were reversed, would you leave her for a year and a half? I doubt it. She has a history of jerking you around. Would you jerk her around in a similar fashion? I think not. You are into her a whole lot more than she is into you.

If you doubt that, try a few things as an experiment. Tell her that you have decided not to attend the Mormon church anymore, but that you support her desire to do so. Tell her that you will never consider marrying in a place (the temple) where your own parents can not attend because that would be wrong and disrespectful to them. Tell her that if she goes on a mission, you will find other girls to date. See how much she is willing to bend and change to fit your life and what YOU want. Or are you the only one who has to contort yourself to fit her vision of the perfect male?

As I stated before, the love, respect, and desire to accommodate can not all be on you. She has to love you back and give you equal accommodation and respect.

You've been played. Time to end the game and move on. You are not a match. You don't want the same things. She has drawn a line in the sand.

Move on. Date. Lots.

No advice here except to say I'm so sorry . At least I was in my 40sand already had my children when the mormon blight entered my life. And the guy in question already thought Mormonism was a crock. But...I never would have been welcome at casual family gatherings and he can't cut the cord so there's no future in it for me.

DTMFA

(If you don't know what that means, hint: Dan Savage, Savage Love)

She chose the church over you. She will do that her whole life. Even if you get baptized and go on a mission, she will be married to the church first, not you. If you ever leave the church, she will leave you.

She did you a favor by dumping you. Go eat some gourmet ice cream and mend your heart. Then go find a girl who loves you for you, not for what you can do for her church.

Run away from this woman. She seems a little manipulative and psycho.

This is called conditional love and manipulation. You've already recognized the pattern; first you just have to go to church, then it's a temple wedding, which means you'll have to wear garments forever, among other things. Then it's all of the other church activity crap that comes with being the worthy priesthood holder she has told you she wants.There will always be new church-related conditions for you to meet in order for her to accept you, and no matter how many hoops you jump through for her, it still may not be enough because she knows you don't believe. Let her go, and find someone who loves you for who you are.

You really want your kids raised to be little Morgbots?

If you join the church and then marry in the temple, your family and non-member friends cannot be there for your big day. They won't be able to see you get married. There is no walking down the isle, no music, no flowers or candles in the temple. The two of you join hands over an alter, and the ceremony is not so much about love and commitment to each other but promising to serve the CHURCH!! I know this for a fact, because I did it! Looking back, I feel so awful that my family was left out, even now, in spite of being divorced over 12 years. My own parents refused to take part in any of it because of the temple excluding them. Are you prepared to do that to your family?

You mentioned the creepy garments that you will have to wear under all of your clothing night and day once you've gone to the temple. They are AWFUL! And your lovely wife will have to wear them under all her clothing, even her bra. Nice picture, eh?

Ask your girlfriend if she will still love you if you tell her that you will never, ever attend the Mormon church again. Can she love you just as you are? If forced to choose between the church and potential mate, the typical Mormon will choose the church.

I know this all sounds terribly negative and I hate to say that your relationship could never work. I do know of families where one of the spouses is a Mormon and the other isn't, and some people can make it work. Maybe that could be you. However, have you ever wondered what would she be compromising, changing or sacrificing for you? Think about it. I think something that makes me feel so frustrated about situations like yours is that the change is always expected from the NON Mormon. It's pretty one-sided.

Please be true to yourself. Keep studying about the church, because I guarantee, the more you read the more you're going to realize how much you don't want to be a part of it. You don't want to have it rule your marriage. You don't want to give ten percent of your income to a super-rich corporation which tells nobody where the tithing money is going. You don't want to raise your future children in this cult. And from what's going on in this relationship, your girlfriend will clearly be setting the rules in that regard. Most of all, don't continue to be a Mormon for anybody but YOU, because it's what YOU feel is true and right. Not for love or to avoid losing someone. In the end, it can and will backfire.

I hope you can be strong and see what the rest of us, in a position of seeing it objectively, can see. Please, please don't think this is the "one and only" person you can love. There are many wonderful women out there who are not Mormons who would accept and love you exactly as you are, who share your beliefs and would be able to love you without reservation and accept you as you are without change.

One more thing. If you succeed in stopping her from going (and I don't think you will, but just for argument's sake...), she will never, ever let you forget it or live it down. She will bring it up at every argument that you "wouldn't let me go on a mission and I really wanted to go." Let her go, give her your blessing, make her feel it's the best thing she could do. Honestly,I think she's letting YOU go and you don't realize it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/27/2014 10:59PM by DebbiePA.

thank you for the great advice

Funny I find myself in this exact situation minus the pulling the chain part. My advice is just let her go. It will be hard, but the fact is one cannot undo all the years of brainwashing done by tscc. For me, temple day was hard, it very much changed who she was in a bad way and things haven't been the same since. Good luck.

My son was in this position for two years. The GF was a lovely girl but being raised Mormon messes with your head. She would break it off (mostly because of her uber Mormon parents) then beg to get back together saying that it didn't matter if he never joined TSCC (which he was clear would never happen). This went on for two years.

Then she decided to go on a mission! Only to return after six months. While on her mission she made it clear that she wanted to continue their relationship when she got back but then broke it off less than one week after her return because she wanted to date a boy from her mission. That lasted six weeks and she was back but he'd had enough and said he was no longer interested in dating. Now she is engaged and planning a temple wedding with a boy she has only known for two months.

Like I said, Mormonism messes with your head. RUN.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/27/2014 11:05PM by caedmon.

really similar situation to me. thanks man

Let her go. If you don't, she'll see to it that you pay the rest of your life. She may, or may not return to you. By that time, you may have moved on. I really don't think you're a good match.

She's already shown you what your life would be like. She's told you who she is. Believe her.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/28/2014 12:19AM by madalice.

Every day of my life I am sad I married a Mormon. I converted for love and now we are married with a child. He will never break free of it and I will always be less than what he wants, which is a true believing wife. It is a tough place to be in. We love each other but he will always love the church more. He will always think something is wrong with me for not believing. I now share nothing of his world view. We are so different.

I would break up with her and let her follow her heart. She doesn't sound strong enough to do it. She fights her love for you because she thinks loving you is probably the wrong thing. She wants the acceptance of her family and community, and you don't have the necessary Mormon pedigree.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/28/2014 12:04AM by snuckafoodberry.

Ditch this evil witch!

Dont be an idiot.

Trust me on this one....RUN

Let her go on a mission. (There's a small chance that she will hate it and miss you.)

Tell her that you will date others and possibly marry someone else while she is gone.

Tell her that if she wants to come home early from her mission, to feel totally free and you will understand and defend her decision.

_____________________________________________________________


She takes the chance that she may lose you while she is gone.

You're only hope is that she will hate missionary work and learn a good lesson.

If she stays and loves it, that's your answer - it's over, you never had a hope.

If she comes home to you, that's your answer too.

After 25+ years and four kids, my marriage is ending this coming week. I have the pleasure <sarcasm> of watching my soon to be ex wife and my youngest daughter drive off to their new home while I figure out what to do with an empty house and heart.

A serious relationship and marriage commitment is hard enough with out the insane roadblocks of Mormonism and meddling families. Find a girl who is crazy about YOU, whose family loves and supports you, and who has the backbone to know and say precisely what she wants.

And date, date, date a lot to learn about YOURSELF before committing to marriage. This is just one of many insightful, sometimes painful lessons you will learn that will serve as the bedrock to a wonderful marriage and life.

Good luck!

Dudeman, RUN! Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Just RUN!

Consider yourself lucky. The programing runs deep in people. If she's pulling this crap now, it will only get worse as tome goes by and you throw children into the mix.

Avoid the brain damage and just RUN.Away.Now!

I agree with what many people are saying on here; you will regret your decision 100% if you make the church a condition of your relationship. I know it's hard to think about it now, but here are so many other people out there that would be better for you.

I only see 2 outcomes here:

1. Show her logic and sincere emotion by explaining why the church is a fraudulent organization. If she does listen, then you have a very good chance of a future relationship.

2. She refuses to listen to you and chooses her mission. If that is the case, get the hell out of there.

When my wife and I got married, we were both fairly TBM. A year and a half into our marriage I discovered the truth of mormonism. I was terrified to tell my wife because I didn't want to lose her. However, I eventually told her how I felt, she listened to me, and now we're both out, happy, and living our lives the way we want. It can happen, and it's amazing to see someone listen to reason and pull away from such a damaging and narrow-minded cult.

Good luck man!