Long painful story, like many here. Raised in the church, mission, married in the temple.Wife is a convert..... I haven't told her what I think about the church. She is so naturally good she just believes and goes along. I worry greatly what it will do to her. I may not even tell her or my family. It will only harm them. Really. I wish I never looked or thought in a way... Yes my life was better as an active believeing member. And I know that I catch a lot for such a remark. But it's true. It was a beautiful dream.

Well then you can put your blinders back on and delve back into the naive dream life.

I also confess that my tbm life was a lot dreamier and more ideal(istic) than the real world I'm trying to navigate through now.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/27/2014 05:07PM by lenina.

Yes, it was a beautiful dream, a phrase I have used myself. I wish you the best. I did get better for me.

How do you put blinders back on? How do you unthink a thought? How do you unknow what you know?

Can't.

Beautiful lies (actual stupid lies once you sort them through with intelligence, but simple, pretty, easy.)

You've a decision to make.

Do you make Mormon children with your Mormon wife and then lie to them? Tell them your beautiful lies.

Welcome to the club, buddy.

You are willing to pass the Kool-Aid along to your kids? Does that seem fair to you? When they figure it out and ask you why you perpetuated the lie how will you answer them?

My wife was a convert, too. She didn't agree with me at first when I showed her the church was BS. But after a year or so, she followed me out, and she now is more against the church than I am.

I figure I was lucky since as a convert, she had no family pressure.

But, yes, reality can be a bitch. The only thing worse is being aware of reality, and trying to pretend you are not.

Some are able to keep on the blinders. The rest of us can't.

I hope your marriage is based on more than the church. You will find out. That is the other reality I discovered - marriage isn't about what I thought it was about.

You've only got 1 life to live. Do you rrally want to live it for someone else?

Your wife is so good that she just goes along? I'm assuming that your relationship is based on more than just the church, is it not?

If she loves you and you approach her in the about it lovingly and respectfully would she not listen?

It's your life though. If you want to waste 1000's of hours and dollars on a lie to keep people happy then you are free to do it. But you might have some regrets down the road.

This leaving, it happens in stages. You are in a tough one now - mourning your loss and with big challenges ahead in honesty.

But if you proceed, you will find an independent, authentic life has incredible beauty. Much better than hymns about obeying a false prophet.

To know the truth and then live a is like the sign on the chapel door - "all who enter must close your mind to the truth".



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/27/2014 05:46PM by themaster.

Like they say, people are a lot happier when they are drunk but do you really want to go through life drunk?

That said, I understand what you are saying.

The magic show is so much better if you don't know how the magician is doing the tricks.

I personally think this is what is meant by the story of eating the fruit from the tree of knowledge. If you get knowledge, you can't remain in the garden of delusion where adults remain trusting and unquestioning children.

The problem is, you can't unlearn what you know.

Only you can decide the best way to deal with this kind of situation. Sometimes you just have to accept that sheep will be sheep. Most of humanity just accepts what is taught and appreciates being herded by their religious shepherds.

Sometimes if you love someone enough, you have to make the effort to help them grow. OTOH, sometimes you have to love them enough to let them be as clueless as they want.

I don't have any advice but I will tell you my husband waited 10 years for me to "wake up" from Mormonism. He knew I was curious and scientific and would eventually read my way out. Your wife may not have any inclination to learn or question- ever. Somehow they think it is a virtue to be an unquestioning sheep for life.

Your life is yours. This is your one shot. No person is perfect. Take your time and decide what you are willing to sacrifice to keep your wife grazing peacefully.

Two things help me when I am overcome by fear.

An anecdote by Victor Frankl in Man's Search for Meaning:

A rich and mighty Persian once walked in his garden with one of his servants. The servant cried that he had just encountered Death, who had threatened him. He begged his master to give him his fastest horse so that he could make haste and flee to Teheran, which he could reach that same evening. The master consented and the servant galloped off on the horse. On returning to his house the master himself met Death, and questioned him, “Why did you terrify and threaten my servant?” “I did not threaten him; I only showed surprise in still finding him here when I planned to meet him tonight in Teheran,” said Death.

Also related to a fear of flying. When I get really stressed while on a flight, I remember that I am not in control of what is going to happen, and then remind myself that if this WAS indeed the LAST minute of my life, I would not want to spend it in fear.

Do I live this way all the time, nope, I wish I could. What I do know is that when death taps me on the shoulder, I want to go knowing that I attempted to live this way.

"I worry greatly what it will do to her."
And that begs the question, what will it do to you to keep silent? I ask with empathy, no disrespect intended.

Life was so much easier back on the plantation. You miss massa's cookin'?

babyloncancansuckit: There is a lot of good in the modern lds teachings. If followed the teachings WILL make you a better person. No doubt. Something you could obliviously use as evidenced by your reply. Your misery must need company. We should help here. Not hurt.

Mormonism will enslave your mind. If you like that, then go do it. Personally, I find that the leash burns my neck, and the master just pisses me off.

I disagree. Sell Mormonism somewhere else. I am not in the market for buy my "obedience plan".



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/27/2014 09:24PM by gentlestrength.

Now he can't give it up.

You claim he's better off? Sorry, you're wrong. Every person in the Mormon church is hurt from buying that glittering lie.

If we all followed the teachings of Jesus the world would be a paradise.

+1000

That's the life I was working to build as a TBM. Endlessly, insanely frustrating when it felt I was the only one who wanted a Christlike world. My own husband was against every positive effort I made. Totally instrumental in my eventual throwing in of the towel.

Single, childless, and operating under the commitment to being god on earth.

Sounds like some street people down in the park.

That's one reason Jesus failed. He proposed a system of living that doesn't work.

As has been said many times:

That which is good in Mormonism is not unique, and that which is unique is not good.

The "modern LDS teachings" are the result of mainstreaming, so go find a mainstream church. You could switch to Unitarian and get all the good while removing all the cultish aspects, the control, and the crippling debt from being extorted 10% so your family doesn't get it in the eternities.

Yes, have heard that Unitarian is a safe happy replacement for those who still like church after leaving LDS.

Sorry, that was awfully snarky. But the fact remains that there is no recipe for goodness or "salvation". You must ultimately find the way back to God yourself.

LDS is very close to LSD in spelling for a cosmic reason. A little may help you but a lot will turn you into Jim Ignatowski from the old Taxi series.

This post has struck a chord.... I knew it would. And the reason? It is because it's something we have all felt. Even the ones that say they're "glad to be rid of the lie" and "we're finally free" attitudes. If that's all they felt (graditude) for finding the truth they wouldn't even be on this forum. Obviously we're all hurt from the loss. Even if not especially the posters who say they're not. They are on here for some reason.

Are you seriously equating being a member of TSCC with being a slave in the southern US in the ante-bellum period--the world's most notoriously evil form of slavery?

What's next? Monson is Hitler?

Was Hitler a bureaucratic fool selling poop to flies?

I understand what you mean. It's tough letting go of that dream of an eternal family and being able to be with those your love forever.

I hope your wife can at least respect your integrity. I wish I could tell you things will get better, but unfortunately sometimes they don't. I told my wife a couple years ago that I no longer believe in the tscc, and our marriage is still reeling from it. However, others have had better results. Best of luck to you as you navigate your journey.

P.S. I'm disappointed to see some commentators seem to lack a bit of empathy. Sometimes this forum requires thick skin. Don't let the negative comments get you down. There are a lot of people on this board who will provide genuine support and insights, but sometimes you have to put up with a bit of garbage too.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/27/2014 07:16PM by procrusteanchurch.

Let's never forget that the duplicitous, multi-billion-dollar LD$ Church has systematically deceived more than 15 MILLION people and defrauded them of an estimated $200 BILLION since 1830. Details are in "Latter-day Saint Swindle: The Mormon Church's $200-Billion Scam" (ref. http://www.amazon.ca/Latter-day-Saint-Swindle-Churchs-200-Billion-ebook/dp/B00J2ON5WK ).

Also, see "Mormonism—Shadow or Reality?" at http://www.utlm.org/booklist/digitaltitles/mormonismshadoworreality_db004.htm and "The Changing World of Mormonism" at http://www.utlm.org/onlinebooks/changecontents.htm

Steve Hassan, a licensed mental health professional in MA and one of America's leading experts on cults, lists the Mormon Church on his website as a thought-control organization: https://freedomofmind.com//Info/infoDet.php?id=140

By systematically using propaganda and coercive teachings that have inculcated fear, guilt, and shame in GENERATIONS of Mormons from childhood onward, the manipulative Mormon Church has psychologically ABUSED millions of Latter-day Saints.

Concerning your wife, you can share reported info. with her about Hans Mattsson, "a solid believer and a pillar of the [Mormon] church" who "followed his father and grandfather into church leadership and finally became an 'area authority' overseeing the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints throughout Europe," quoting a July 20/13 New York Times report.

The Times piece, which is online, also says:

"When fellow believers in Sweden first began coming to him with information from the Internet that contradicted the church’s history and teachings, he dismissed it as 'anti-Mormon propaganda,' the whisperings of Lucifer. He asked his superiors for help in responding to the members’ doubts, and when they seemed to only sidestep the questions, Mr. Mattsson began his own investigation.

"But when he discovered credible evidence that the church’s founder, Joseph Smith, was a polygamist and that the Book of Mormon and other scriptures were rife with historical anomalies, Mr. Mattsson said he felt that the foundation on which he had built his life began to crumble.

"Around the world and in the United States, where the faith was founded, the Mormon Church is grappling with a wave of doubt and disillusionment among members who encountered information on the Internet that sabotaged what they were taught about their faith, according to interviews with dozens of Mormons and those who study the church.

“'I felt like I had an earthquake under my feet,' said Mr. Mattsson, now an emeritus area authority. 'Everything I’d been taught, everything I’d been proud to preach about and witness about just crumbled under my feet. It was such a terrible psychological and nearly physical disturbance.'”

"...Mr. Mattsson and others say the disillusionment is infecting the church’s best and brightest. A survey of more than 3,300 Mormon disbelievers, released last year, found that more than half of the men and four in 10 of the women had served in leadership positions in the church."

(Ref. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/21/us/some-mormons-search-the-web-and-find-doubt.html )

There is a lot more info. that you can show your wife. It's in a post I did a week ago: http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1330064,1330156#msg-1330156

There are critical times in our lives when we need to act with courage, regardless of the potential consequences and even actual outcomes. The reputation that we have with ourselves depends on it. To be truthful with your wife about your loss of 'faith' in cultic Mormonism will require courage on your part.

You could start with Mormon polygamy/polyandry and how Joseph Smith illegally married teenage girls, single women, and other men's wives. See my July 20/14 post for details as well as http://www.wivesofjosephsmith.org/ and http://signaturebooks.com/2010/02/in-sacred-loneliness-the-plural-wives-of-joseph-smith/

Good luck!

You remind me of the Apostle Paul who had been wealthy and a true believer.
He even persecuted those he thought were on the wrong path.

Once the scales fell off his eyes he never looked back.

Unlike Lot's wife and you.
You cannot undo what your heart and mind have realized.
You might as well embrace it, warts and all.
Yes, there will be losses.

Paul lost EVERYTHING but praised God until his death as a martyr.

Mormonism is a fishbowl of exclusion. For example, gays, feminists, intellectuals, and people of color are minimized. So, yeah, I'll give you some flack for participating in an organization that promotes that. Your "dream" is dependent on keeping your eyes closed, and dependent on your family members not being any of the above.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/27/2014 08:23PM by jpt.

One problem we see here regularly is the nonbeliever who waits too long to tell the spouse. Then when they are ready to move forward, the spouse is just in the earliest stage of starting to open their mind, and the original nonbeliver lacks the patience to wait for the years that the leaving process can require.

The sooner you tell her, the sooner she can start making whatever changes are in her future, hopefully joining you in understanding.

Don'y under estimate her.

it's the "only smiling faces in the insane asylum" argument.

For me, it was a constant, heavy, suffocation. This was when I was 11-12 yrs old. The crazy thing was I didn't know why. Once you allow yourself to step outside the "box" of mormonism..it all makes sense. Everything that seemed wierd, was actually crazy. It might seem easier to hide back in the shadows like usual. You know something stinks or you wouldn't have said a thing. Sorry, this has been hard, but I am sure your a better person in the end.

I understand. It's so life-altering to change your entire way of thinking and being. It's a heavy burden to carry, especially when you know that leaving can affect relationships so drastically. When I first left last year, it was a huge struggle. It's so hard to feel like you have all the answers, and then suddenly feel like you have no clue. I have been trying to find my identity, because when youre TBM, that IS your identity. It's been really hard to redefine who I am, what I believe, how to raise my child, etc. My husband's best friend, who isn't Mormon, asked my husband if I should just go back to being Mormon. I've thought about it and I believe that something lead me out of it...and I could never go back. It makes it easier that my husband and I are both out and that our child is young. Only 2/7 in my family know and I'm still not ready to tell my parents.

Anyway, I feel deeply for you in your situation. I know what you're going through and I hope that everything works out for the best.

Sack up man. Life is way better being out of a cult.