Like many of you, I discovered Mormonism is "false". BUT, I grew up in it, went on a mission, married in the temple, and had 5 kids, all who believe in it, except one.

So I'm essentially "out", but there were consequences. I had to accept that a huge swath of my life (time and money) was given to something of essentially very little value. I have had (and continue) to live with a spouse who still believes and thinks I've been "deceived". I believe four of my kids may share that view, but not admit it. I have to continue to live around Mormons. I have to continue to live certain practices that are silly (like not drinking coffee, not shopping on the "sabbath", etc.).

In a sense I am a "damaged" person because of my affiliation through birth into a religious cult. I'll always be damaged or at least viewed as damaged by loved ones and neighbors.

Some people leave Mormonism when they are young, maybe 18 or 20 and they essentially begin to live a life without Mormonism. They marry based on their own criteria, absent of a requirement that someone be "a good Mormon". They might have kids and raise them to never know anything Mormon. For these types, they can lead an almost normal life and the damage done was done, but is not extensive.

But for many of us, we will be people who have issues. Arms and legs blown off, so to speak. Crippled in some way. Doing the best we can, but limited by the immersion in Mormonism. Our lives are forever altered by the experience we had. We may be able to change a few things, but many things are set and not changeable. Like our kids continuing to follow Mormonism, or our spouses continuing to follow Mormonism. We may see huge decisions we made as "mistakes" based on our affiliation in the Mormon cult (like who we married).

I believe the benefit for many of us in leaving is probably not going to show up in our lives right now anyway. It will show up in the lives of some of our children and grandchildren who will not be shackled into Mormonism. They will be the ones who will grow up "normal". They may drink a little as young adults, they may smoke a joint, they may live with someone before they marry. They may enjoy a beer on Saturday evening at a restaurant. They'll be normal. They won't wince of look over their shoulder when they do these things or any number of other things. Hopefully they will develop their own set of "values" and live by them. THEY will benefit from our choices we made to leave the Mormon cult.

But we may be stuck living in the rubble, so to speak. Of course we will try to make the best of it.

I have used a similar analogy when speaking with my DW (thankfully she is leaving with me). I tell her that in some ways we will never fully heal and that we're going through these pains for the benefit of the next generation (our kids). She doesn't like it when I say this; however, she recently agreed with me. When you leave, there are costs in relationships and also to your own line of thinking.

I suppose this is a situation analagous to the time when people left Catholicism and became Protestants. This occurred long ago and wars were fought over it. Families were likely split apart. We just don't remember it because the history tells only the stories of the wars of religions in Europe, not the personal carnage that time period wrought on famiies across Europe. Perhaps people will look back at this time and call it something, "the great realization" or "the great awakening". It may be viewed in a larger context as the time when America tossed aside organized religion. They'll be people writing their doctoral thesis on the subject. We'll just be names on a pedigree chart, our personal struggles with the situation largely if not completely unknown.

Elciz, I enjoyed your post and your ability to express in words what you are experiencing and feeling. I recognize some of myself in you back in time.

I officially resigned from the church in 2007, but was not active for many years before this time. I grew up in Mormon country, but mainly went to church when I wanted with friends; it was a friend deal - they had to be there, so I went with them. I grew to like a lot about the church because I had a very unstable home life. But, as I said, I had the liberty to pick and choose.

With this said, the indoctrination of the church still affected me. I soon began to be taken in with the belief that I was one of the chosen to live in this special time and that I had a very important mission to fulfill. Maybe I fell for this because I was grasping at straws for something to cling to because of my home life, but, I also believe, that the Mormon church makes a strong case for this type of belief.

I think you will find as more time and distance occurs between you and your previous Mormon church activity, that you will not feel so caught in the rubble. Wife and children who are active will not go away, that is true, and I have the children part of this equation, but I have found with work and expecting there to be ups and downs, we have been able to work out a niche that is OK......I respect their beliefs and they respect mine.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/25/2014 10:43AM by presleynfactsrock.

Such a great point. I too grew up in the church, married in the temple, have six children and find myself in a place I never thought I would be. I was the strongest member of my extended family and now I know I'm done.

Honestly it's been sad for me to realize that this institution I have given so much time, money and emotion to has expected so much of me while in return hypocritically laughing all the way to the bank.

I've gone through the emotions of being upset, sad, cheated, angry and yet now after a couple of months of working through the emotions I feel so much peace.

I realized I was done when the article in the May Ensign came out and talked about how women dress and how they are responsible for the way men think of them. As if all men are animals, incapable of taking responsibility for their own actions and women are just objects who get the man they dress for.

I started writing a letter about how wrong this was, and my years of experience in the church with fallible leaders who truly have done some awful things in a leadership capacity with regards to child abuse. As I wrote the letter, I realized how crazy it was that I was still here. I knew I was done and I was at peace.

It wasn't easy. Thankfully I have an amazing spouse who is supportive, and then eventually began to see the light. The issue is that we are both employed to meet the needs of our family and my spouse actually works for the church. So we quietly sit and wait while my spouse looks for employment, planning our exit.

Our kids are good, better than they have been in years. They get along, and they seem to be relieved and happier without the church pressure. We have one son that was belittled by a bishop and delayed in an ordination which caused major judgement from other young men in the ward. It got so bad we ended up sending him to treatment because he was suicidal. And they call this God's church.

I'm looking forward to the day when we will be completely done. Already our hearts have so much peace. I'm grateful difficult circumstances in our lives caused us to stop and think and begin to ask questions. At first I thought the judgement of our ward was so wrong, but honestly, without it I don't think we would have ever discovered "the rest of the story" and found our way to peace.

Things are coming together and I'm grateful. Especially grateful that this has happened before missions, college and marriage for our children.

That said, I know for some it doesn't come together this easy. I worried for awhile that my spouse wouldn't be on board. I agonized over missing monumental days in the temple if my children decided to marry there or serve missions. Yet I knew I couldn't live a lie and authenticity was more important than pretending it is all ok and paying the price of admission.

I agree that your example will give your children and grandchildren the courage to live authentically. Ironically it is my mother who left the church in her thirties when I was a teenager, the woman who didn't judge, and loved all of us Mormon or not, that I have drawn strength from in this. And to think that when she left I judged her so harshly. I am grateful for her courage and strength as I'm sure your posterity will be also.

I wish you the best.

I have not shared this often, so hopefully it doesn't become easily shredded.

I chose to look at Mormonism as a poison in my life of water and that the best way to minimize the poison was to expand the water thus diluting the effect of the poison. Become more, bigger, and better was my sense of purpose.

You really went all in and have a lot of attachments to Mormonism. I hope you can find a way of looking at your situation that is not overwhelming and paralyzing, but motivates you to use your current enlightenment to change your future and hopefully influence a kid or two along the way. There is a good chance you being the first will make it easier for others. Sometimes soldiers are called to be the first over the berm and take the bullets. That might be you. Sorry. If not you it keeps growing in your family unabated.

Dh and I had a long talk the other day about how Mormonism has damaged us. We are trying to heal, and doing well for the most part, but every now and then old wounds are opened up again.

We take solace and comfort in the fact that our children (teens) will never have to live, as I put it, made to feel guilty for being a human being. They will have open minds, they will be able to discern truth from bullsh#t, they won't be the weirdos who don't drink and have to wear moron underwear, they'll all get to have a beautiful wedding and invite anyone they want. They won't live under the shackles of Mormonism. They'll be free to choose how and what to think, and to accept everyone at face value.

When I'm feeling burdened by my mormon past, I think of my children and how they are free. Free from the taint of Mormonism.