Background: I am a male, 20s, never married, and I generally identify as gay, though I'm not "out" everywhere. I have had relationships with and genuine attraction to women, mostly when I was younger/believing/pure, though I still find women quite attractive on not-seldom occasions. Interestingly, I have always avoided the label "bisexual" and people who identify as such, possibly because it seemed even worse than being gay, almost like having an uncontrolled or perpetually ambiguous sexual appetite. But really I'm not as oriented towards men as most of the other men I have dated. This is somewhat confusing to me, as I feel that I'm in a place in my life where I'd like to find someone to settle down with and maybe even one day have a family, but I find myself again with second thoughts.

I know there are a number of women here who have had very bad experiences due to being shoved into relationships with gay men by the church. However, do you think genuine bisexuality exists? And if so, what to do about it? (Beyond the obvious admonition that nothing be hidden from a partner.) I've never had any interest in swinging or "open relationships", so I feel like I would need to just pick one or the other and stick with it. But that sounds awfully like what I was telling myself 8 or so years ago ("Just decide that you like women and be done with it."). What do you all think?

This may be a strange and too-personal question to ask the board, but most of the people I would talk to in person are gay men so I'm interested to find a broader set of opinions.

Oh yeah. Bisexuality exists. Really really does. And there a LOT of stigmas that go along with it, like the belief you mentioned that bisexuals must be promiscuous or whatever. I would recommend challenging those stereotypes and getting to know some people who identify as bisexual.

I had a really hard time admitting I was bisexual, for a while I almost convinced myself I was gay because I thought that would be a lot easier to explain/live with, but I knew deep down I was lying to myself. Only you know what your orientation is, however. That was just my experience.

Sometimes they are useful but often they fail to describe us individually. If you aren't familiar with the Kinsey Scale. It essentially locates sexual orientation on scale ranging from completely heterosexual to completely homosexual with points in between. It isn't [un]common for people to move on the scale during various times in their lives.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale

I'm interested that it would bother you that bisexuality is "uncontrolled" and "ambiguous." Could that be a little black-and-white thinking or fear of losing control? If so, it wouldn't surprise me coming from a Mormon background, which demands unambiguity and loads of control. You are who you are. Your sexuality is what it is. I, for one, am fine with that.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/04/2012 03:57AM by robertb.

I took a university course on human sexuality, and the professor taught that even heterosexuals may occasionally be attracted to someone of the same sex. Our culture tends to see sexuality in black/white terms, but a continuum may be the better model.

To the OP, I think it depends on what you want. Anyone who commits to a partner is going to make certain choices and compromises. Be honest with your partner and let him/her make the call. If you want to commit to a woman, you don't have to get married right away. You could try a committed relationship for a while and see how it works out.

Sexuality is really not so black and white. Unfortunately, we frequently have limited vocabulary and frame of referece within which to discuss it.

Are you familiar with the Kensey scale? It presents gay-bi-straight as a spectrum rather than having to pick sides. http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/research/ak-hhscale.html

The good news is that you are on the cusp of a generation that is starting to recognize this. Date who you are interested in... Men, women, trans... You never know who you will fall in love with.

One of my good friends was married to a man for 20 years or so. He was a jerk, so they split up. When she was in her 50s, she ended up falling in love with her best female friend. It took her completely by surprise and she didn't know what to do. They are engaged now. Neither of them had ever considered themselves gay or bi.

Try not to worry too much about labels. Yes, it makes things a little more complicated in the dating scene... But you'll work it out.

If you fall in love with a man, adoption is an option!

So you are male, 20 years old; and your sexuality is "somewhat confusing" to you.

I am female,62 years old and the whole world is "somewhat confusing " to me.

Instead of trying to define your sexuality, learn to live with yourself. You are who you are; an individual who has learned 20 years of knowledge and still has many years of living and learning to do.

Don't put a great deal of time in trying to "tag" yourself. Just be the person that you are and love that person. Be honest with yourself and with those that you are intimate with.

I do not think that it is important to "out" yourself in a public way. Your personal life is not everyone's business.

There are so many variables in life, do not try to pigeon-hole yourself.

Whatever path you chose to walk in this life, make it one that makes you happy. Take care of yourself and be good to others.

Yes, bisexuality exists and is fairly normal, about all animals you hear about as homosexual are in fact bisexual animals in a stable homosexual relationship. One of the species most closely related to Man, the Bonobo is 100% bisexual.

The problem is that homosexuals, especially homosexual men, are in denial and try to convince men who feel themselves sexually attracted to people of both genders, that they are instead of normally bisexual, exclusively homosexual, because they cannot stand the truth about that it is possible to be bi.

You like men and women, so I would not make that a problem, and come out as bi, instead of gay.

I never formally heard about the Kinsey Scale - thanks for the link(s) - but I always felt that this was intrinsically true. People are rarely 'Straight' or 'Gay' all the way, and I can think of several examples from my own circle of friends and relatives.
also, I believe that people's orientation can change throughout their lives... at one time a period of SSA in adolescence was tolerated, even expected, especially in single sex public schools (Public schools means *private* schools to our American friends)

Meh, I can go either way on it...

You are awesome. Thanks for the first out-loud giggle of the morning. ;-)

...being bisexual doubles your chances of getting a date.

As others have said, don't worry about labels and categories. You just are who you are. The only time to worry is if you find yourself doing things you don't enjoy.

"This may be a strange and too-personal question to ask the board, but.."

Are you kidding me? You haven't been around here long, have you. ;-)

Anyhow, as you may know from my repeating ad-nauseum, I'm a male bisexual in a hetero marriage. I totally relate to what you mean about feeling like you have to decide which "box" to fit in. Nine years ago, I came out as gay to my mother in an email (yet have to this day never confessed my resignation to her, go figure) because my wife and I were separated. I picked "gay" because that's what a lot of my feelings and thoughts are geared to - I'd guess I'm probably a 4 or 5 on the Kinsey scale mentioned above. I rarely see a girl in public and get aroused, but guys are a totally different story. Anyway, later on I tried to explain to her that I was really bisexual, but it seemed sort of hollow and no where near as legitimate. My guess is she still believes it was just a phase.

It seems to me that a great deal of people view bisexuality as waffling on what you really want. While I have witnessed it in other people as a temporary stop on the train ride fully out of the closet, I seriously believe - or at least want to believe - that there *are* guys out there who just like both. I have absolutely always been satisfied with my wife, but I feel like a part of me is missing.

In my humble opinion, swinging, open relationships and a triad, or polyamorous relationship, are all different things. At this point what we want to do is find a guy who's willing to join us in a triad - a committed, monogamous (I guess?) three-way relationship. But do you have any idea how hard it would be to find a guy that both my wife and I are attracted to, who's interested and attracted to a long-term relationship with two neurotic people here in the Morridor? I think our chances are about as good as winning the Utah State Lottery. (fyi, for those of you not having the displeasure of living in Utah, we don't have gambling here. Unless you have about $5 billion. tehe)

I guess I can't offer you much in the way of suggestions, but I will say you aren't alone, and I'm glad you posted because a lot of times, I feel sort of alone on here. I'd like to think that there are more of us male fence-sitters around but it's hard to come out as "bi" when you often get pressure from both sides of the spectrum who try to get you to just pick one. Good luck.

You said that bisexuality "seemed even worse than being gay, almost like having an uncontrolled or perpetually ambiguous sexual appetite." I don't agree. You are attracted to whoever you're attracted to, and you don't have a whole lot of control over it. I'd think it's a positive thing - you're dating pool is twice the size of mine!

You say that you're not interested in swinging or open relationships, so it looks like you want a monogamous lifestyle. My advice is to focus on the relationship you'll have with your significant other. Find a loving, mutually supportive relationship, and don't worry about whether it's with a male or female. Focus on making a connection with another person.

And you mentioned women being forced into relationships with gay men by the church. That isn't what's going on here - you're not trying to cure yourself of anything. You're attracted to men and women. Feel free to try a relationship with a woman. Your bisexuality brings an interesting twist to the relationship, but then we all have our own quirks and experiences that we take into relationships. And don't forget that people end relationships all the time. If you decide to pursue a relationship with a woman there's nothing requiring you to agree to marriage right off the bat. If it works, it works. If not, move on.

I'm not in a position to judge anyone. I grew up mormon and always planned on marrying in the temple, raising a family, etc. Surprised the hell out of me when I finally acknowledged that I'm gay. So don't stress yourself out. Just focus on creating a great relationship with another person.

Two thoughts:

1) I was concerned with your "even worse than gay" comment. Gay isn't worse to begin with. If you are sexually attracted to men you are sexually attracted to men. If you are also sexually attracted to women you are also sexually attracted to women. There is nothing "wrong" with you either way. There may be a stigma is society that you have to deal with. However, there is nothing wrong or worse about you. So quit thinking that we. Really. Stop it!

2) I am personally 100% heterosexual. I am married. Even being heterosexual 50% of the world's population are potentially sexually attractive to me - I find many women sexually attractive. That doesn't mean I have to have sex with them or pursue that attraction in any way. Likewise for you, just because 100% of the world's population is potentially sexually attractive to you, I don't see how that is a problem for a monogamous relationship.

Being in a monogamous relationship simply means you choose to only pursue that sexual relationship with that one person; not that other attraction does not exist. Whether you are straight, gay, or bi makes little difference in my mind. If however, for you personally, you can't live with only pursuing sexuality with one person or one sex, then monogamy is a problem for you - you will need to seriously consider and come to terms with what that means to you.

If you are more attracted to men than women and are just trying to force yourself to be married to a woman to live a normal life, I could see that leading to a lot of problems down the road.

Well said! I agree 100% with you bc. I'd like to add that I certainly agree that being bi-sexual doesn't mean sleeping with everyone. I know several people who consider themselves as such and they work just as any gay or straight person does in a relationship. They just happen to be attracted to both genders. I see nothing wrong with this.

My dream girl is a bisexual Asian nymphomaniac whose father owns a liquor store.

As a bisexual male, married to a bisexual female, all I can say is be honest about it.

And the role play is fantastic!