So we left the church together. She wants her independence and doesn't see that with me ever. She was separation, maybe just temporary, and maybe permanent.

There are many issues here, and if I look at it from a completely logical viewpoint, we really only had the church in common and married much too young, but there were a lot of good times in our 15 years and she is ok with just throwing it all away.

So right now it sucks. If anyone wants to re-post their "I got through it too" stories, or my life will be better in 5 years message I'd love to hear it.

I am 40 so, I guess I should just look at it like I have a do over. I hurt for our kids.

Right now I am feeling a double portion of hate for the Mormon Church. Thanks for reading my vent!

First of all, I just want to say I'm sorry for what you're going through. That's a very tough situation.

Like you said, it sounds like there are a lot of issues at play here. You said your wife "wants her independence." I'm wondering if you've had a very patriarchial, male-dominated marriage as is so often the case with couples in TSCC? If so, it sounds like she's pretty fed up with it. Even though you left TSCC together, do you still find yourself disregarding her opinion and wanting to call all the shots? Perhaps she's tired of playing second fiddle? If so, then you need to give her the independence she wants, and shed the notion that your opinions are somehow better than hers simply because you're a man.

Maybe a trial seperation could be a positive thing, as it would allow you to both reevaluate your marriage, what your roles have been, and what you'd like them to be now that you've left TSCC. If you both want the same things for yourselves and each other, then I'd say your chances of getting through this are pretty good. Again, I'm not sure if this is even what's going on so forgive me if I've spoken too boldly.

Best of luck to you.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/23/2014 05:16PM by fakempire.

In all my years here, I've rarely seen anyone who went through a divorce and didn't find later that they were generally happier. I'm sure it happens, but mostly people come out the other side and find happiness.

Going through it is extremely difficult and painful. It hurts to be rejected -- it hurts right to the core of your being. The only silver lining you can find in it, is you're better off with someone who truly loves and wants to be with you.

If you both can find common ground coparenting through this, the kids will likely be fine. Good luck!

I would have done ANYTHING to avoid "divorce." Not divorced, but separated almost 2 decades now. Definitely emotionally divorced. The hell I went through--was it worth where I am now. No. Not really. I am back with the guy I wanted to marry at age 20. My kids have suffered. I've suffered. Even my gay ex has suffered. If I could have avoided it, I would have.

There are people who are much better off divorced. I can't say that with all honesty. My life was a living hell for at least 10 years. Something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies.

We have all made the best of a bad situation, but, again, if I could have avoided it, I would have done so.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/23/2014 05:41PM by cl2.

I'm so sorry. I am so sick of the pain this f#$&!-ing corporation causes to so many. This is a great place for recovery.

Was the worst experience of my life, by an order of magnitude.

I'm supposing the only thing that could be worse would be losing one of my children to death. I hope I never have to face that - not sure I could survive the pain.

Today, I can honestly say I am at the happiest point in my life, with a new love, with a new life.

Yes, it gets better, but you will have to walk through hell to get there, good luck.

The first year was the worst for me, after five I was 80% better, after ten, 95%, today I feel completely healed.

Not a patriarch, I was dumped by my long time partner, out of the blue, just over 2 years ago.

I had no idea it was coming.

My strategy in dealing with that was to explore the wonderful world of dating again.

I took a good attitude into it.

I had a total blast!

Before the year was out, I was in a relationship that was so incredibly fantastic, that I couldn't have imagined years before being this happy.

It won't take you 5 years.

Enjoy the process for what it is.

Expect that things will change for the better, then make it happen!

I'm sorry for your pain.

I know it's real.

Take some time to consciously grieve, then start to have some fun!

Date lots of people, without too many expectations. You find lots of people you're compatible with.

In fact, you're a 40 year old exmormon. If you're even moderately in shape and relatively charismatic/self-confident, you should have dizzyingly vast group of amazing women who would happily go on a date with you.

Put yourself out there.

PS - if you were a gay man, I'd tell you to have lots of sex. It worked like magic in dulling the pain of a broken heart. Time (and meeting the man I'll spend the rest of my life with) did the rest!

Another testimonial that things to get better, but you have to wade through the depths of despair, anger, hurt, revenge, self-loathing, and flat out despondency and depression to get there.

My ex and I tried a separation for 8 months, got back together, then divorced about 8 months after that. We had one minor child at the time, the others were all over 18 and not living at home. When we finally came to the conclusion that we were not going to be happy together as a couple, we sat down and wrote up a document that detailed how we wanted the divorce to proceed; splitting assets, debts, etc. Child support for our minor daughter was dictated by the State, so we had little say in that. But what it allowed us to do was hire 1 attorney who represented my ex, to draw up the divorce papers according to our terms. I was adamant that we maintain control rather than pay dueling attorneys to take it all.

Not all couples can or should go this route; each having their own representation does have its advantages, but the attorney and court fees for our divorce were about $700, and it came out the way we had agreed. And even though the State has a predetermined visitation schedule for minor children, we ignored that for the most part and just worked it out with our daughter, since she was 16.

My ex remarried after 2 years to a TBM, but I don't see much joy in that relationship when I've been around them. I remarried after 6 years and never been happier. I married a high school sweetheart that I hadn't seen or heard from in 37 years. We dated back then in a different state, and when she found me quite accidentally from a website, we were living a mile or so apart in Utah.

In my case, I think that the Mormon marriage model leaves couple very ill-equipped to handle change. When I stopped attending church because of my historical and doctrinal research, my ex could not handle that. Like many, I destroyed her plan for that eternal family in the CK. I probably could have handled that disaffection from the church in a more productive way, but I was very angry at being lied to. And I had felt for years like I was nowhere near the top of her priority list. Her church callings, attendance, her family, kids, and her work all came before me. At the end of the day, there was just nothing left to nurture a relationship.

So now, there is no church interruption in my life. Both my wife and I have hobbies that we enjoy and allow each other time to pursue those interests. We take a couple of really great vacations together every year, have date nights, talk about our day's activities every night, have a glass of wine or a cocktail together, play with our dogs, enjoy each other's kids and grandkids, and make our life together the center, not the peripheral. Of course we've had some issues, but we trust and love each other enough that we work them out in non-threatening ways.

Neither of us plan our life around some promise of a heaven or hell, we make every day exactly what we want it to be, for us. And that is how it should be.