Hello from the missionfield.

i've been sneaking peaks on here for a few weeks now. if my comp comes over i'll have to bail. and there's no way i'll be on here long enough to see your responses to my post, got to get back to work by 5! it's the thing I hate most about pday, i don't get any time to relax. it sucks. companionship study in the morning, then district meeting, then laundry, then shopping, then emails. it sucks.

anyways, i realized once i got in the field that i wasn't sure i believed it. i started reading on the internet and found this site. my testimony has been blown out of the water. but i can't tell my family. i just can't. i feel so trapped.

later

It takes some stones to admit this while actually on the mish.

Good job. Trust your brain.

I'm a fifty year old woman who wouldn't have served a mission but can still recommend that beating off always improves my mood and recommend it highly.don't think God would care. :D

The rate of early returns from missions has skyrocketed. You are going to have stand up for yourself at some point. Don't waste two years learning to lie better.

Just keep trusting yourself. That is an amazing breakthrough for someone on a mission.

Do what is in your heart, not what you have been programmed to do. It probably won't be too easy for a while, but just know your are on a good path when you follow your integrity.

I wish you all the strength you need to do what every you need to do. And never fear knowledge no matter where it comes from.

Nice to hear from you and to hear your honesty. As voiced prior by Levi, "Good job. Trust your brain."

I have for a very long time been so against ANY church sending out young indoctrinated members on a mission. IMHO, it takes years of life and living to gain knowledge about religions and beliefs, and then when more mature in years, if you WANT to, you can go out and tell others of your thoughts.

What the Mormon Church does in this area is just so, so wrong and really is a form of bullying. I had 3 of my 8 children go on missions-----I was so o o against it. Two were sent to very crazy and dangerous places, one being Haiti!, but no matter how or what my husband and I said these two young people were dead determined to serve and serve "where they were being sent". (We tried very hard to talk them into at least going to some other country that had a safer track record.)

The pressure is real and strong that is forced upon you young people. KEEP SAFE, and please try to keep in touch, and I am offering any support I can give you.

Hang in there mish. went through similar situation on my mish. I hung in there for 25 more years and wish now that I had ended it on the mish. Oh well, easier said than done. Best.

If you're going to stay on your mish you might as well make it fun. Try teaching people the truth. Show pics of Joe with his head in a hat dictating the BOM. Tell people that if they get baptized they can wait a year and go to the temple where they promise to wear strange underwear for life. Or when you tell them the story of the 1st vision(?) tell them a bunch of the versions. Not just 1838. Mix it up a little.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/23/2014 10:43AM by brucermalarky.

Your experience is not unusual. Virtually every missionary hates the experience -- but it isn't approved by the Brethren to tell anyone else. So, all the missionaries just sort of fake it so that they appear all righteous. And, of course, they email their parents and others that things are "awesome." Such crap!

I absolutely hated my mission -- what a grind! And now I am pissed that I unknowingly lied to so many people about the foundations and practices of Mormonism.

Recognize that, through no fault of your own, you got suckered into being a slave for a very greedy and corrupt organization. For your own sanity, do not take anything seriously. If you cannot go home, just cruise through your mission and do things on your terms.

Good luck!

I hope you're stationed in an interesting place. If so, treat it like a 2-year vacation.

But remember, you're a volunteer. The church needs you, you don't need them. They can only try to shame you or threaten your eternal wellbeing. But the threats are BS because the church is BS.

That leaves the reactions of your family. That's the hard part. It's what keeps a LOT of disbelievers attached to the church -- and faking it.

+1
I did not serve a mission, but I know several who did. At that time only girls who couldn't find husbands served missions.

Dh's best friend in high school came home with very serious health problems that really never resolved in 25 years. He tragically committed suicide in his mid-40s leaving a wife and four children.

Another friend went to South America and absolutely hated every minute of it. He admitted how much he hated it to me and dh one night. Then, he never spoke to us again (I guess because he knew we knew the truth).

The church is not true. Even the most cursory review of the history and doctrine shows that it is not true.

However, doing anything rash at this point could be detrimental (e.g., some parents refuse to pay for college, etc., if a child comes home early).

So, think carefully about what the right approach is before doing anything drastic. There seems to be less stigma with returning home than 20 or 30 years ago. But, it may be detrimental regarding your family -- and frankly I think there is still a lot of discrimination against non-RM men in Utah as regards employment. (Not sure where home is for you.)

I'm not saying you should stay. But, do consider your options very carefully. I think one option could be to stay and not take any of it seriously. Especially if you are on a foreign mission, becoming fluent in a foreign language will always serve you well for your lifetime.

Even if you are not on a foreign mission, if you realize it is all a crock and don't take any of it seriously, you might be able to manage.

So, take it slowly and don't do anything rash. But, realizing it is not true may well take some pressure off. Just do the bare minimum that has to be done while taking time to decide.

I hate to see anyone waste 2 years of their life, but if you are learning a foreign language and learning to live in a foreign country there is some value in that.

And, if your parents will pay for an education when you return, that could be valuable to you.

Take your time to decide next steps. In the meantime, play along but do not lose any sleep over baptisms, sins etc. It's so not worth it.

I agree.

It's easy for people on this site to say "bust out. Don't take that crap off anyone." But this person has just realized they don't believe. We don't know the circumstances of what their parents are holding over their head.

And let's be honest here, people, none of us spends our lives answering to no one.

I think the OP should take their time. There is no shame in finishing something you started. But if OP doesn't believe, he should make damn sure he doesn't baptize anyone and take as much time as possible away from his duties (that he can get away with) enjoying the country and mastering the language.

I would so duck out all the time and go see historical and cultural stuff in the country. "How can I appeal to these people if I don't understand the culture?" And I'd use that line to pressure any newbie missionary who I was partnered with to duck out of tracting as well.

You don't have to decide your entire future in 5 minutes.

I got to spend 2 years in France. I had already taken European history and French 301, so I was fascinated by the culture and sites. I was amazed to go to Versailles and Fontainebleau. I saw the Eiffel Tower so many times it became blasé. I loved talking to French people, especially when it wasn't about religion.

The mission was a trial and the mission leadership led me to question the church, but I learned a lot that I cherish today about culture, history and language.

It is hard to go against your parents but it you want to live an authentic life and have a hope for happiness you will have to take a stand. At your age you should be working, studying, raising a little hell, doing spontaneous things, getting laid, making mistakes, and getting life experience. Instead you are treated like a child and forced to sell the crappiest product on earth.

Dont waste your life on the morg.

If you don't believe, then they are unbearable.

Ask yourself which cost is greater: staying and supporting the mission, or going home and disappointing your family.

If you plan to leave the church later, you will just disappoint them all the more. You might want to save them the money and save yourself the sanity of struggling.

If you can have fun on your mission, maybe you can tough it out. If not, try to consider going home.

You are spending your own money to be bossed around and waste your time peddling a cult whose doctrine does not have a leg stand on.

You should be in college or travelling the world instead.

Take the next flight out and move on with your life.

Hello world? This poor guy sounds like a hostage not a volunteer. This is fucked up and it pisses me off. Been there, if you want to go home do it, no one will give a shit six months from now

The hostage observation is keen.

Two choices here: Don't rock the boat, or, act in your own best interest with integrity.

Only you can negotiate your release--the Secretary of State can't help you this time.

You are trapped, but you can get out. Sooner or later, hopefully not after making BIC children with a TBM Mormon girl who wants an eternal family.

You will need to take ownership of your life. No guarantees it will be easy or easier, but it will be yours.

You are right though. The Mormon church is not what it claims to be. It is a proven fraud. Don't sell it!

If you are not a rm, no molly mos will want you, which makes dating easier. Dont fall in love with a mobot, your life will be miserable. Find a like minded woman.

Get the hell out and go a little crazy.

The feeling that you are the center of your family's world is an illusion.

Your leaving the Mormon Cult would only be a momentary glitch in their matrix world view.

Being a grown-up is taking responsibility for your own life. You're unhappy because you're living a lie and pretending that it makes other people happy.

It doesn't.

Grow up! ;)

Wherever you are, chances are there are some friendly exMormons willing to help you out by feeding you, arranging to distract your companion and having a helpful chat, giving you an old smart phone or a couch to sleep on....

You are in a tough position right now. You are lucky to know the truth so young, but in an awkward place to work through the anger and grief that comes from discovering the lies. Only you can decide if its best to fake an illness and go home, walk out, or stick it out. Whatever you choose, it will not matter at all to anyone outside the Mormon bubble if you choose to live the rest of your life in a predominantly nonLDS community. Do what's best for you in the short/mid term, and don't take it too seriously.

Here's a link to a list of volunteers for a Missionary Underground Railway collected from another online support group. We think these sites are monitored and in the past year 2 missionaries I know have have been identified by church leaders and sent home. Don't post too much ifentifying info here (like location, home town, how long you have been out) until/unless you are sure you want to leave. But you might consider contacting someone from this list directly if they are in your area. They have, after all, volunteered to help.

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/lv?key=0Anlk_3CbGMrpdG1YSmNwN2VqM3kwYXdjQnpuRkx4THc&usp=sharing



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/23/2014 06:00PM by vh65.

Welcome to the board! I hope that you are able to see all of the responses at some point. A few things -- never forget that you are a *volunteer*. Don't let anyone shame you, guilt you, or make you feel "less than." Second, take care of yourself. Make sure that you are getting adequate food even if it means involving your parents or the local bishop. Look after your health -- rest if you are sick, and see physicians and dentists as needed. Don't let anyone talk you out of that. Last, if you are able to find a like-minded companion, try to have some fun. You would not be the first missionary to break the rules.

If I would have had this message board on my mission, it would have saved me 2 years, hundreds of thousands of dollars, tons of time spent "serving," and a life path that would look nothing like it does now after 44 years. I would really consider getting off this train sooner than later. You are headed over a cliff. Your family will get over it. If your worried you won't have their support when you get home, you might have to get a job and live as a real adult, I suggest you start it sooner than later. You'll be way ahead of most the kids your age. What is the result of letting the lie continue? Will you go home and marry and LDS girl in the temple? You think it's hard now, the bigger the lie gets, the more people you'll weave into it, including those you are teaching on your mission now. What if you end up baptizing someone and you know they are paying 10% of their income and sacrificing their very identify and dignity as human beings, all because of this lie. Call your mission president and ask to be returned home NOW. Your family will get over it because they love you. If they not, they are probably a bunch of pricks anyway. You can do better. Do not stay and treat it like a vacation. These 2 years are incredibly formative to the rest of your life. It's why the Church like to steal them from young people. Get control of yourself, face reality and move forward. You'll thank yourself a million times over when you graduate from college and achieve other life goals 2 years than you would have otherwise. You know, the things other kids are doing at your age, I went out and did when I was 39. You know what I discovered? YOU CAN NOT RECAPTURE YOUTH! Your body and mind are as sharp as they will every be. Go out and use them to make some incredible, authentic memories for yourself and shape the man you eventually want to be.



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 07/23/2014 06:24PM by london.

I believed every bit of it while I was a missionary, and it still sucked and I felt trapped.

Good luck. Remember: You're an adult. You're a volunteer. You owe them NOTHING. If you don't want to go home yet, have some fun, and don't lose a minute of sleep over it.

Nobody outside the church gives a rat's wet a$$ about your mission. You're going to have a hard time explaining to non-mormon people where you were for two years. I wish I had stayed in college, graduated with my friends, and gotten on with my life. And let myself have some fun in college.

But I know full well the pressure that's keeping you there, and quiet. Some of it may be in your mind. Your family may not react the way you think. Mine didn't when I left 10 years after my mission.

Like I said, good luck. Lots of us here feel for you. If you can't bring yourself to leave, that's fine. But whatever you do, let go of the guilt.

Don't waste anymore time, doing what you know to be untrue. Be true to yourself and get out. Your money would be better spent in college. And ignore the trolls who are sad little people. Either juveniles or bat sh*t crazy morons.

Hello from Real-Life out here "lurking missionary".

You've re-kindled that feeling in me that you now have when you finally realize you've been duped simply by growing up Mormon.

It was the toughest time of my mission when i finally realized this. What to do...what to do???

I hate that the "Brethren" tried to turn me into something that is easy for them...but what is against my own nature and integrity...and that is being a "Liar" for Mormonism.

I spent time in the Mission Office and rubbed shoulders with GA's that passed through. Had PPI's with two of them and they bald-faced lied to my face while i was seeking answers about the veracity of the church i grew up in.

Your integrity matters more than anything. You have now found out the hard way that integrity and honesty are in short supply up and down the hierarchical ladder of Mormonism.

Remember that even your Mission President is a dupe or he is just playing along because one of the sharpest knives the "Brethren" have in their arsenals is the fact that long-time Mormons fear the embarrassment of having to admit to their spouses, kids and other loved-ones that they have been so WRONG about Mormonism for so long. This is what keeps many in Mormonism long after they realize they've been duped...and does nothing but destroy lives and families in the long-run.

Most of all please REMEMBER that you are a VOLUNTEER donating your own time and $$$. Mormonism DOES NOT OWN YOU or your life at this time. You are free to come and go as you please.

DO NOT LET ANY SO-CALLED "CHURCH AUTHORITY" OR MORMON ADULT INTIMIDATE YOU INTO THINKING OTHERWISE!!! THIS IS KEY TO YOU TAKING CONTROL OF YOUR ONE-AND-ONLY-LIFE!!!

Looking back on it now...and knowing what i know now about the fraud/scam of Mormonism...i wish i would have left my Mission early to really make a statement. I chickened out and for all intents and purposes left Mormonism on my plane ride home from my mission.

I can never reclaim the 2-years that LDS Inc stole from my life that i wish i had back each and every day. You still may be able to salvage a portion yet. They (the "Brethren") tried to turn me into a LIAR but they didn't succeed.

Simply put I could no longer continue to lower my personal standards of courage, integrity and intellectual and spiritual honesty to remain a Mormon. That's why i left.

Obviously those at the top of the heap of Mormonism have no problem with it as they long ago sold their souls for the almighty $$$.

My vote is to do what will make you personally happy and stop living your life for others.

If you stay please take care of yourself...be safe on your bike or walking or driving. Tragedy can happen in mere seconds if you're not paying attention. I had some close calls on my bike so i know of what i speak.

All the best Bro in whatever you decide.

Or so it seems to me...

Just know that all of us here feel your pain and many have been in the same situation. Do what you need to do, only you can decide that. Just know that whatever your decision you have a support group here so you don't have go through this alone, like many of us did before the internet.
The pressure to stay is HUGE especially if you have a TBM family.
But, it's your life not theirs. That is a hard concept for most of humanity to grasp and believe, but it IS your life...no one else's. Let us know how you are doing if you can.