Just a few more comments on the discussion here: http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1332117 (also, braindead, I suggest reading your email asap).

I submit that this world is big and wide, and that things like romantic love do not come to one and all in the same ways. Some find it in arranged marriages. Some find it with partners very similar to themselves. Some find it with partners seemingly very different to themselves. Some find it with members of the same sex. And some prefer other things to romantic love altogether. I think that is just what we should expect in a world uncontrolled by religious leaders preaching a "one size fits all" way of living.

The couples I mentioned in my other post would, I think, stare with a kind of stupefaction at anyone who would characterize their relationships as being about "ego", or as being "pervy", as some posters did on the other thread. Why? Because they sincerely love, adore, and respect each other. They have found with each other something they could not find with anyone else. The man loves the woman, and the woman loves the man. How anyone could, from afar, with no insight or knowledge, cast snippy aspersions on something so awesome for them, I'm sure would be nearly unfathomable to them. And I would love for those so keen to judge to be able to see with their own eyes that love can come to different people in different ways, and even more, to celebrate that. Instead of grinding axes, I think we should be sending sincere best wishes.

I think this point is reinforced by the fact that so many marriages, which outwardly fit all the "proper criteria", fail - proper criteria like "close in age", "from the same culture", "from the same race", "speaking the same language", etc. And not only do they fail, but many of the stories I am personally familiar with are shocking and heartbreaking. Often, kids bore the brunt of the destructive behaviour of one or both of the parties.

I already mentioned happy couples I know with big age differences. I also know several very happy inter-racial couples. One is a friend whose family came from Ghana. S is as black as it gets. His wife is as white as an ice floe, and her family is a wealthy, almost aristocratic family from England. They have little kids, and are happy as can be. Two other inter-racial couples I know (man is Canadian, woman is Japanese) are very happy, have lasted a long time, and have children. Another is a white Canadian woman with a black former gang member/former prison inmate from South Central Los Angeles. They are as happy as can be. One happy couple I know currently overcoming a language barrier is a caucasian Canadian man with a woman who recently moved here from Russia. They're married now and expecting a child, and I don't see them ever splitting up. They seem as happy as can be.

My point? There IS no "right way to be a couple"; and if the phrase "proper couples are mostly alike" had any merit to it, the divorce rates in North American wouldn't be in the toilet (unless by "proper couples" you mean "future divorcees").

I think ex-Mormons should be at the forefront of celebrating the rich diversity in personalities, needs, and desires within the human family, and celebrating the fact that love between consenting adults can come in all differerent kinds of ways.

Just my two cents.



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 07/23/2014 04:48AM by Tal Bachman.

In my opinion, this is the best post you have ever written, Tal.

Very important...and VERY well said.

Well deserved kudos to you.

Tevai

Tal, I don't appreciate your threatening text message last night, and the threatening email you suggested above that I read asap. I have no idea what your email said as your emails have been blocked. But your text message indicated that you were threatening me to keep me from posting here. No doubt you intend to reveal something I told you in confidence. That certainly shows your true character.



Edited 6 time(s). Last edit at 07/23/2014 09:52AM by braindead.

My grandfather (who died before I was born) was 35 and he married my grandmother, who was 18. This was in 1915 in Nebraska, so I think there could be "extenuating circumstances". The only problem, and a big one, I see with marrying and having a large age difference is this. Eventually you are going to end up in diapers, drooling out of the side of your mouth, and you won't remember what year or day it is. Plus you'll have uncorrectable erectile dysfunction (UED). At that time your spouse of significant other may lose interest in you.

FYI.

"There IS no "right way to be a couple"; "

ABSOLUTELY! Thank you for sticking up for those of us who have chosen an "inappropriate" partner. My DH is 20 yrs older than I, and we have been happily together for 23 years. We love each other more now than we did when we married. Sure, we've made concessions because of one or both of our physical limitations, but doesn't every couple do that?

And Elciz: "Eventually you are going to end up in diapers, drooling out of the side of your mouth, and you won't remember what year or day it is. Plus you'll have uncorrectable erectile dysfunction (UED). At that time your spouse of significant other may lose interest in you."

If they lose interest then they didn't love you to begin with. The scenario you pose could happen at any age with one car crash. For someone to do that, they would need to be soulless.

When my DH got sick (lung cancer), I was by his side 24/7 totally dedicated to making sure his every moment was the best it could be. Even the last few, when he was non-responsive.

Once, during the last stretch, his brother was visiting and told me that the family was surpised I stuck around (after 10+ years!!) "you didn't sign up for this."

I was floored. I **LOVED** him. what else would I do!?!

The xmas after DH passed, BIL asked me to give the traditional first toast at the (HUGE) dinner table. I talked about how DH taught me about unconditional love and his fam taught me about unconditional familar love.

BIL then got up and said: "We all have our own challenges with {pyewacket}, but I tell you, no one could have taken better care of my brother."

wow. seems like they just saw me as a "trophy wife" - not the real thing?

I'm being a little flip. The truth is, you're right, if someone loves you, you stick by them through everything. However, notwithstanding my attempt at humor (inappropriate), the reason many (not all) younger women end up with much older men is that they are attracted to something other than the person....money, fame, etc. I remember wathcing Larry King Live (a few years ago) and Hugh Hefner was on there with his 27 year old fiance. He was 81, I believe. He was giggling like a teenager in love. His fiance was rather stoic. Larry King was slyly smiling at Hugh, and I remember thinking....that gal is only interested in him for his money! I believe they ended up breaking up, IIRC. No doubt about it, at a certain age difference there is probably no reasonable person who would see anything more than an ulterior motive involved in a relationship between an 80 year old man and a 27 year old woman. If a guy was 45 (Tal) and a lady was 25, it is possible, I suppose, for a true and loving relationship to develop. Though I do wonder how things would be 20 years down the road.

I'm sorry that I didn't catch the humor font. <smile>

"Though I do wonder how things would be 20 years down the road." Well, I was 27 and DH 47 when we hooked up. When I married him, he had been out of work for over a year. No money there. Just mutual chemistry and respect. It's now 23 years down that road. I don't think there is anything to wonder about. If your relationship is built on respect, friendship and chemistry, 20 years into it won't be any different than if the couple were the same age. Respect, friendship and chemistry. THAT is what makes a marriage of any aged partners work.

There are a lot of soulless individuals out there then. I just entered the "dating" scene again after about a two year absence. I have been out with 4 women, 3 of which said their ex-husbands were their best friends, but they just weren't romantically into them anymore. One admitted to having cheated on her husband several times, with several different men. All of them were married to very successful men who they said are great fathers, and great providers, who provided these women with trips around the world, giant houses to live in and nice S.U.V.'s to drive their kids around in. I'm am so confused as to what women like this are after if none of that made them happy. I don't know how you kick you're husband of 10+ years to the curb if he was your best friend. At the very least you could talk to your "best friend," and work out some polyamorous relationship where you get your sexual need met. I just tripping, because I'm 44 and I'd really like to find a life long partnership like right now! I don't have time to waste with women who are in this place, yet it's all I seem to run across lately. People act like it's just men that want "f*&k buddies," but I'm telling you it's not that way anymore. Any mention that you are eventually looking for a relationship with one of these women, sets them off into a panic. I don't know what the f*&k I'm doing wrong. Apparently, not screening well enough before on go on dates and waste my precious time, emotional energy, and money on these people. Gawd, what a pain in the ass dating is.

I certainly don't envy you. I met DH at work if that helps. And, yes, I would consider those women soulless.

Couldn't agree more... well said!

Reminds me of one of the creepiest lines from a Ben Fold's song:

"What if I'd been born 50 years before you? In a house, on a street, where you lived.

Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike. Would I know?"

It's creepy, but hey. We're talking about age gaps, right?

<Giggle>

Hubby always says, "I wish I had met you 20 years earlier." I always reply, "You would have been the creepy van guy!"

Although that was a beautifully written post and I'm all for diversity, freedom, and love, it was not altogether logically consistent (of course, neither is love).

Ethnic and racial differences are not the same as an age gap where one partner is old enough to be the other partner's biological parent (or grandparent). Although the initial discussion was about age-gap relationships, Tal moves right into examples and defense of inter-racial couples as though the two are interchangeable. Worse, by lumping all possible differences that a couple might have under the same umbrella and invoking diversity and love (which no one will argue), he creates a straw man argument and also commits the logical fallacy of composition and division. He tops it off by saying "there's no right way to love," a blanket statement which could possibly lead to assumed approval of relationships that society generally deems inappropriate for everyone's good, such as romantic relationships between close family members, between teachers and students, between underage persons and those over 18 or 21, between bosses and employees, etc. If there's truly "no right way," then nothing is off the table, right?

While no one should take my response to mean that by extension I condemn or judge inter-racial, gay, or religiously-different pairings to be "wrong" (I don't), I personally find it creepy when someone wants to be with a person young enough to be their biological child or grandchild; the likelihood is probably that the younger person is attracted to the older one for reasons other than true compatibility (same for the older person -- it's probably more about the younger partner's physical beauty and "hotness"). And, at least in the couples I've known personally, lust and ego tend to be factors -- some of the older guys have even admitted it. But (as I previously stated), if they're both getting something out of it, good luck and best wishes to them.

That hardly means I (or anyone else who finds age gaps icky) have "an axe to grind." To assume that disagreement must automatically be based on negative, unpleasant feelings is an ad hominem attack. The idea that "there's no wrong way to love" sets up a world in which there are no social constraints and no dissent is allowed.

If we value diversity, surely there is room for differences of opinion and individual feelings. If we must have diversity, but only in politically-correct, approved ways, then it isn't truly diversity, is it?

nice list of logical fallacies

you forgot one: slippery slope

as in, "I, icedtea, am going to provide the board with an example of a slippery slope argument"

Actually, it's not a slippery slope for the following reasons:
1) I was addressing the logical flaws in the original post, not making a new argument;
2) In order for an argument to be a slippery slope, there has to be a chain of events (beginning with a relatively innocuous one and ending with a disastrous one), in which one event causes the next in domino fashion. Example: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s60hOgqLFGg

Since I never argued causality, much less a specific chain of events in a particular order, there is no slippery slope to be had.

3) My main points:
-- If diversity only includes politically-correct points of view, it's not really diversity.
-- If "there's no wrong way to love," then by definition any and all relationships are OK (including the examples I listed and those engaged in by people such as Warren Jeffs and Joseph Smith). No rules = NO rules.
-- Age-gap relationships are often based on factors other than compatibility and often include serious power imbalances -- which makes it difficult to sustain a relationship based on mutuality and equality (not that it CAN'T be done, it's just much harder).

No slippery slope.

icedtea Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Age-gap relationships are often based on
> factors other than compatibility and often include
> serious power imbalances -- which makes it
> difficult to sustain a relationship based on
> mutuality and equality (not that it CAN'T be done,
> it's just much harder).

I disagree with what you are saying here because:

1) It is your ASSUMPTION (based on no data that I know exists) that "age-gap relationships are often based on factors other than compatibility and often include serious power imbalances [etc.]..."

I will agree that age-gap relationships SOMETIMES meet this criteria, but your NONfactual use of the the word "often" negates what you believe to be factual. (Not "know"...BELIEVE.)

As an example: It should be obvious to anyone on this board that TSCC marriages OFTEN "are based on factors other than compatibility"...and ALL TSCC marriages (if they adhere to TSCC doctrine and practice) include "serious power imbalances." Compatibility (in the sense that we are talking about it in this thread) is NOT a criteria of TSCC marriages, but is...OFTEN...present in real life age-gap relationships and marriages, as can be verified from most any non-LDS person's personal and extended family-and-associates life.

Serious power imbalances in marriages and romantic relationships occur across-the-board throughout our society and culture, but are NOT overrepresented in age-gap relationships. (My personal experience is the opposite: age-gap relationships, to the people I know personally and know about through the media, etc., tend to be MORE egalitarian than do most of age-similar relationships, especially if you look at this nationally. I would think that power imbalances in marriages, etc. are the norm throughout the American South, and the American Midwest for example, and also throughout many socio-economic classes--and these relationships would be similar-age relationships in almost all cases.)



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/23/2014 03:44PM by tevai.

"power imbalances"

i know one experience does not make a rule but i'm just going to say that if you look at my last serious relationship analytically the "power" was certainly in her favor - and she was a lot younger than me

she comes from money - nothing i have would impress her or even compare to the empire her father has

she also has a very important sounding job - initials after her name type of thing

we met through a sport we both play and we just gravitated towards each other - i was hesitant to ask her out because it's a good rule to not "shit where you eat"

anyway, it wasn't until after we had already hooked up that we each realized that we had been assuming the other to be a lot older / younger than we really are - the point is, she wasn't searching for some kind of sugar daddy and i wasn't searching for a naive young plaything

it didn't matter to me that she had only been working for 1 year and it didn't matter to her that i was older, divorced, have kids, etc. - we just "clicked" and that's all there is to it

we were together for two years and in the end it came down to religious differences (i, of all people, should have known better) but our difference in age and life experience was never an issue - in fact, she liked that i had lived in so many different places and had lots of stories to tell - i assume that for her i was a drastic (and interesting) change from her college dating experiences

we've been apart for a year now and she's the only girl i've dated that i can honestly call a 'friend' - recently she treated me to my favorite restaurant and we swapped stories about some of the horrible first dates we've been having

whatever - go ahead and keep trying to claim some weird kind of moral high ground...

I was married for 31 years to my first wife. She had a mental block about intimacy and even after marriage always felt like it was dirty and wrong. She forced herself to be intimate because she was a good little TBM girl and wanted kids, but it was not a pleasant experience for either of us. We had our first, then 15 months later our second. No intimacy for 5 years then she decided she wanted another so we were intimate twice that year and our third was conceived. No intimacy for another 5 years and one night in the middle of the night we both woke up and were intimate and our fourth was conceived.

After 31 years and perhaps 15 times of intimacy and my youngest turning 18 I finally said enough is enough and I told her I wanted out.

Now for the good part and the part that applies to this post. I met my current wife very shortly after leaving my first. Actually I was in the process of leaving when I met my current wife. She was in a abusive relationship and we met online just to be kind of a support for each other. We didn't exchange much personal information about age or even pics at first. After about 3 months of writing we decided to meet. We met and 4 months later moved into an apartment together and 7 months later after my divorce was final we were married.

She is 20 years younger than I am, in fact my oldest son is just 3 years younger than her. We are happier than two pees in a pod!!! Our age difference is absolutely insignificant to our relationship. We have more in common in our little pinkies than I had in my whole body with my ex. We like the same things, we have similar interests, we are so compatible that it just overwhelms me sometimes. She had a little girl who was almost 2 when we moved in together and 4 years ago I adopted her so I have grand kids older than my little girl. Life is fantastic and I have never been happier!!!!!

Age difference doesn't mean anything where love is concerned and I am living proof of that.

This is a beautiful, wonderful story, Craig...

I appreciate you posting this today...SO MUCH!

Thank you!!

Tevai

Tevai you are very welcome.

I forgot to mention that my wife is from Nicaragua and I am from Wyoming. Our culture differences are worlds apart, and yet surprisingly very similar. I speak Spanish because I did the mish thing in Chile, but we speak English most of the time.

In my eyes she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and although I can't see it she thinks I am handsome. Maybe love really is blind...but it doesn't matter because it works for us.

I have thought about when I am 80 or 90 and she is 60 or 70. I have talked to her about it too and we have decided that when that time comes we will cross that bridge and see what is on the other side. Right now I feel like I am 35 and since you are only as old as you feel, I think I will stay 35 for a long time. Hell who knows, I may just stay 35 forever!!!

Craig Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> In my eyes she is the most beautiful woman I have
> ever seen and although I can't see it she thinks I
> am handsome. Maybe love really is blind...but it
> doesn't matter because it works for us.

Did you ever think she might be right??? :D :D :D


> I have thought about when I am 80 or 90 and she is
> 60 or 70. I have talked to her about it too and
> we have decided that when that time comes we will
> cross that bridge and see what is on the other
> side.

You're likely to find that "the other side" can be a WHOLE lot different than you anticipate, or think pragmatically possible! If you eat optimally, take the right supplements, and do all the other good things we all know are the right things to do, there are people right now who are---in appearance...and effectively, in their physical and physiological condition---twenty-five to thirty years "younger" than the people they graduated high school with!!

My partner is manager of a nutrition-oriented store, and he sees people all of the time who walk into his store who this is true of--and MANY of them are in, by most people's standards, "age INappropriate" relationships. (It also helps that his store is in an "entertainment industry" area, with a high number of entertainment celebrities, many of them now effectively retired, who live within a five or ten mile radius--it's one of the places many entertainment celebrities gravitate to when they no longer have to make daily 6:00 AM calls at the studios in Burbank or Studio City or Universal City or Culver City.)

My point is: it is obvious to my partner that, for the most part, "aging" (in the normal sense most non-industry people talk about it and think of it), is a CHOICE--although most non-industry people don't realize the enormous power they actually do possess to significantly affect the rate that they, personally, "age" (both in appearance, and in physiological reality).

In any case, it is now well known, and proven by many people's experience...and the "how" is now fairly straightforward...that when you are forty-plus, you can keep your "age forty," etc. appearance (and health) for the next few DECADES (two decades for absolute certain because this is now becoming fairly commonplace where we live...but it also means three or more decades for a currently small, but noticeably growing, percentage of his "over forty" customers).

> Right now I feel like I am 35 and since you
> are only as old as you feel, I think I will stay
> 35 for a long time. Hell who knows, I may just
> stay 35 forever!!!

You CAN do it!!!

Other people are doing this RIGHT NOW!!!

And YOU can do it too--assuming that you are interested ;)...

Your love story is amazingly touching, Craig. It is obvious how much and how deeply and how genuinely you and your wife love each other, and I am so grateful you wrote your story for us.

Thank you for your candor and your kindness,

Tevai



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/23/2014 02:38PM by tevai.

There is a big difference between a 14 year old and a 16 year old, but no one blinks at a 24 year old dating a 28 year old, even though the absolute gap is twice as big.

As long as both partners are mature and respected, then you can find love at any age. People may do a double take if you are 40 and he is 75, but if it doesn't bother you, then you are ready for the relationship.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/23/2014 12:17PM by axeldc.

One of the best things about being gay has been the realization that what society teaches us about love is mostly bullsh!t.

It's amazing how many here have been conned into the notion that everyone is sexually attracted to the same type; that if given the chance, we all would choose to be with some Hollywood clone.

I'm sorry that so many people never realize that love AND sexual attraction are purely subjective and wildly disperate.

The level of ignorance to think that someone would only be in a relationship with a person of a different age because of money, is tragic.

I guess it's no wonder that so many are alone when they cut themselves off from even considering great swaths of the population because of what the average person thinks is appropriate.

In my community, there are those that are certainly obsessed with what would rightly be described as Hollywood good looks.

However...

There are those that are really into huge muscles.

There are those that are attracted to guys who are extremely skinny.

Some like younger guys, but an equal amount are into older men.

There is a major subset of the gay community affectionately known as Bears, who are large and hairy and generally older.

The Bear Community includes those who aren't physically Bears, but attracted to that type.

There are Otters who are hairy like bears, but don't have the girth.

There are Leather Daddies, and Cross Dressers, not to be confused with Drag Queens or the Trans-Gendered. There are Twinks and Plushies, and those who like to act out sex play as dogs and wolves.

There are a plethora of "affinity groups" all of which include "...and their admirers".

The spectrum of healthy sexual practices and desires is so much greater than what is portrayed by the media and our society. Most if this goes unseen, because the vast majority prefer to keep their sexual practices private.

Don't be conned by Hollywood and Madison Avenue.

What they sell as female beauty for example, is decided by a very narrow and very young segment of the gay community. And what they're really selling is clothes, accessories, shoes, cosmetics and etc. to women. They set an impossible standard for beauty because that's how you sell that endless supply of "things".

But that's commerce, not love, or sexual attraction.

After two long term relationships with men around my age (first was 4 years older, second was 4 years younger) and from similar socioeconomic backgrounds and the same race, I found the love of my life in someone totally different from me.

I'm white, he's black. I was raised LDS, he was raised without religion. I'm 6'2" 250lbs. He's 5'1" 125lbs. He's 15 years younger than me. And we are crazy about each other!

We both feel like we have found our perfect mate. And we make a gorgeous couple!

The idea that others might judge us because of our differences never comes up.

What we experience mostly is that people from all walks of life react very positively towards us, and seem to want to be around us because we're so damn fun, and nice, and happy and in love...oh and so damned cute!

My man is physically stunning, but even more attractive is his happy, sunny, positive disposition and outlook. His looks were what caught my attention, but it was personality and spirit that I fell in love with.

+1,000,000 Sonoma!!!

Totally spot on correct, and I thank you.

:)

Granted, we're in the same generation and raised with similar cultural values, so that may be one of the reasons we're compatible. Personally, I like to think the fact we both hate yams and take our coffee black is why we work so well together. ;)

His parents are 10 years apart and still together, even with his dad's Alzheimers taking a toll on his mom. They met when she was a student at BYU and he was a teacher. They have one of the strongest marriages I've ever seen and raised some great kids together.

My parents were 9 years apart and divorced after 30 years of marriage.

Like everything else, it all depends on the individuals involved.

The key word is consenting adults here. I might raise an eyebrow at an 18 year-old and a 50 year-old getting seriously involved, but in the end, it doesn't affect my life. Adults are free to engage with other adults, even if it seems icky or taboo.

Tal thank you so much for your both posts I just read them up and I love them soooo much. You are speaking right out of my heart.

When I dated the guy who was 27 years older it was his mind that interested me and his kindness. I have a strange and spontaneous creativity and he got it. He was a nuclear physisist and they tend to have an odd sense of humor. He used to say to me - the way your mind works is fascinating.

I think is I had worked at a lab with physicists I would have been in a perpetual state of mental infatuation when I found someone with whom I could play mind badminton. Not sure about their emotional abilities or social skills but being able to free associate and have someone on the same track is my idea of a good time.

Of course that didnt stop him from eventually cheating on me with a woman ten years older, whom he married.

To each their own --- but I am attracted to men my own age (I am 54). Life experience, a bit of wisdom (one hopes), a clear sense of self that hopefully comes with the years--this is what draws me to men my age.

Iced Tea, I want to respectfully suggest that you are on the wrong side of this issue. I also suggest your specific criticisms above don't add up.

Of course an "age gap" (between consenting adults) is not identical to a "racial difference" or a "language gap". The point is that they are all possible characteristics of relationships that some people instantly adjudge "wrong" or "creepy" or "improper", or as evidence that the two people are not genuine in their love. Yet, these characteristics do not necessarily say anything at all about insincerity, ego, perversion, or anything else. To therefore cast aspersions on relationships only because they share one or more of those characteristics is very unfair. I actually feel almost sorry for anyone who seems more hung up on "she could be his mother!" than "wow...they really seem like a great match. I'm glad they're so happy".

The other complaint made my people I can't quite wrap my head around is that we should never be with people significantly older than ourselves, because they'll grow incapacitated, and then we'll have to care for them, or arrange for their care.

My response to that is:

(A) Incapacitation can happen to anyone at any time; and when it does, every able-bodied partner, whether 28, 48, 68, or 88, faces the same situation. I don't see why that possibility (or even inevitability) should dissuade us from taking a chance on romance;

(B) More importantly, some people find so much joy and connection with someone special, that they would much rather share their lives for years and decades with that person, even if they knew they would spend a few years caring for them in the end, than not. I think it must take a cold heart, or unfamiliarity with love, not to understand that. We all age, and we all die. But what we all don't do is find a partner to share our lives with, in joy and understanding. So when we are fortunate enough to find such a person, Dr. Love says we should go for it. Whether it lasts two years, ten, twenty, or fifty, I think it would still be worth it.

And (since diapers seem to be an issue for people) if we change a few diapers in the end...who cares? I've changed, literally, THOUSANDS of diapers in my life, probably more than anyone here except for professional nurses (I have eight children, and was a very involved dad). So, saying no to love for decades because you might have to change a few diapers in the end seems almost insane to me.

My conclusion:

Go forth and love!

Thus saith Dr. Love.

Amen.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/23/2014 03:05PM by Tal Bachman.

I agree, Tal. I feel that icedtea really jumped the shark with the following...

"-- Age-gap relationships are often based on factors other than compatibility and often include serious power imbalances -- which makes it difficult to sustain a relationship based on mutuality and equality (not that it CAN'T be done, it's just much harder)."

This of course is just code for "younger people only marry older people who are rich and powerful".

This is a naive and provincial myth, held by people who can't imagine that others my have sexual tastes that differ from their own.

To think that a person couldn't be sexually and intellectually attracted to someone substantially older than themselves is silly.

Some people seem to find comfort in pretending that "they must be in it for the money".

What a sad perspective to carry.

I agree, Sonoma. I almost find it hard to believe that anyone, especially an ex-Mormon, could think this way.

By the way, NONE of the couples I know and mentioned with big age gaps include a partner with money. None. One is a local artist. Two are local musicians. One is a retail salesman. None of them are even close to wealthy. What they are is *happy* - which is what it seems Iced Tea isn't.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/23/2014 04:08PM by Tal Bachman.

Money? What's that? <giggle>

Yup, what we are is happy.

My man is the worst Golddigger in the world. We started our relationship when I was at the lowest point fiscally I've ever been.

In fact we both are going through major career changes that have meant relative poverty compared to where we both had come from.

But in spite of financial poverty, we have an enormously rich life together.

Having someone that I'm crazy in love with, who is crazy in love with me, who is also my best friend EVER, and who is also the best lover I've ever had, makes me the richest person that I know. That I get to spend the rest of my life with him, is a gift beyond my wildest dreams.

The idea that I could have missed all of this, had I followed an arbitrary rule about dating younger guys, is terrifying.

At some point I stopped turning mens heads without realizing that it had happened. You become aware when you notice the 40 to 50 year old men are eyeballing your 16 to 24 year old daughters. Yes - I was totally creeped out! If that makes a women/mother bad for automatically feeling repulsion at this scene, it is a free country to think what you want. I never saw 40-50 year old women eyeballing my handsome son when he was 16 to 24.

My father married a much younger women (almost my age). That creeped me out as well. I was in college. I watched as they enjoyed a lot of life and his money together. Now it is quite sad. Can't imagine she could be physically attracted to him at all. They are now very snarky and controlling of each other. She has taken over the three roles of mother/daughter/wife. Not much happiness is visible in their relationship for the last decade. And it is nauseating to think they might have sex at this point. Even kissing or hand-holding. No physical touch is ever seen. It is like looking at a father with his daughter. Yuck! At this point it is about money. You might have to realize that it will be good for a while, and then a bit sad at the end. That seems to be quite typical of what I have seen.