In the previous thread I offered up the thought that girls don't want nice guys and that maybe I am too nice.

Several of you gave me some really frank and thoughtful comments on that, which really started me thinking this afternoon.

Over the years I have become nice, I guess nice to the point of bland and dull. But you know something? I wasn't always. From my earliest years until about 16/17 I was braggadocious. I have no idea what happened but I did a 180 from that time to the present.

Well, maybe it's not completely accurate that I have no idea what happened. I have pondered on it and come up with a few ideas, only one of which is pertinent to the theme of this website and which I'll share here. Church teachings had a role, I am certain of it. Teachings such as humility and turning the other cheek etc. I think I took them to the extreme. I came to think that if I was contrary in any way to any body that I wasn't being a good person and that it could weigh against me in the judgment. I have thought about this over the years, but some of your comments have brought it back to the forefront of my mind. Back in my days of confidence and cocksureness I excelled at everything I did. Now, I excel at nothing. Funny how those things seem to go hand in hand. Knowing that I was once great, I have hope that I may be again.

Stream of consciousness here, and this gets back to my original post two nights ago. I could get girls in my youth. Never was much for dating, but still, there were two or three. Honestly hadn't given it any thought til just now. So I'm thinking that what some of you said about girls' attraction to confidence has merit.

Tal, I jotted down your email. Thanks. For the moment I'm going to remain very anon, but if your offer stands, maybe I'll hit you up when I get my stuff together and feel like being a little less anon :)

You can always create a fake email and send me a note. You can even adopt an alias, block your number, and we can chat on the phone using your alias. I don't mind. I can help you with this whenever, or if ever, you'd like.

Okay. True confession time. Despite anything I might have told friends, I managed to get past college and to the ripe old age of 26 before my first sexual relationship.

Granted, 26 =/= 40 but it's still a good 10 yrs or so later than most guys.

I do not recommend using the services of a professional se worker. I don't have any moral qualms about what they do and in a free society should be free to sell sex as if it were Avon, Amway, or Mary Kay cosmetics.

What held me back for years was low self esteem. I thought I was rather homely, I thought I had been shortchanged in the sexual equipment department, and overall I just didn't want to have to deal with rejection.

I was fortunate enough to overhear, at a party, a couple of decent looking albeit not supermodel type girls engaged in a private conversation about a cute guy they had seen. I heard enough of the conversation to realize they were discussing me.

Next few parties I attended, I felt better about myself. Once I felt better about myself, I acted more confident, I was moremoutgoing and engaged, and that attracted the attention of a lot more members of the opposite sex.

I started dating one of the ladies I met at of these gatherings, and it wasnt long before things progressed to an intimate relationship. She never asked "was this your first time" or "do you have a lot of experience". Her remarks were more along the lines of "wow" and "damn, you made me feel like a boneless ham." (I still don't know what she meant by that).

Over the next couple of years I dated other women but I never totally quit dating her. Three years later, we decided to go ahead and give the marriage thing a try.

It might have been a convoluted way to marry the first person you ever had sex with, but it has lasted 27 years. She does occasionally gripe about my idea of foreplay being "telling her to brace herself.". It's still all good, although as we approach 60 there are some positions that might be harmful or fatal if attempted.

I've gone on way too long. My advice is simple. Love yourself first, then others will want to love you. Self confidence might be tough but it is super essential. Keep a sense of humor at all times. Sex is fun but when you think about it, naked, sweaty people moaning, groaning, and trying to copulate is pretty darned comical. Other people aren't going to want to like you if you don't like yourself. You don't have to be cocky but you do need to smile andfeel good aboutnyourslf.

After all these years, you really should ask her what she meant by the boneless Ham assessment. :)

Honestly you come across in your posts as a great guy.

Find the things that make you happy. Is there a sport you used to love playing or an artistic endeavour that made you really happy? I suspect that your confidence will naturally flow from finding what makes you reconnect with the best parts of yourself.

Also, are there things that you always wanted to try but haven't (aside from sex, although it is a big one)? This is your opportunity to decide what you really want for yourself.

I think you are being hard on yourself regarding "excelling". I think that's a very Mormon construct of perfectionism. I can't remember who said this and I am paraphrasing but, it isn't about how well you dance so much as it is about joining the dance.

p.s. It sounds like you feel that 40 is old. It isn't.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/23/2014 01:02AM by sassypants.

No, I actually do not feel old. Not at all. But I can't have my head in the sand and deny that life is moving right along.
I want kids, and the time for making that a reality is fading. So I'm feeling a little bit pressed.

I totally get having the desire to have a family. Trust me that's a plus for you as many women find that wildly attractive in a man!

The other plus for you? Because you're a man, you've got an advantage because you can father children well into old age. :-)
Of course, I'm not saying that you want to be a geriatric father...but time is definitely on your side.

Exactly, I don't want to be a geriatric father. That seems a little weird. Also, as women can only bear children to a certain age, then as I get older the age gap between me and her will necessarily widen as I look for someone to marry, if I am to have kids. Tal wrote extensively on age gaps today, so I know that it is not too big a deal, but still I think it complicates the situation with each year that passes.

This has all really strayed from my original post, which expressed my anxiousness to do IT. But the RfM community has been very insightful and most understanding and encouraging.

...the best way to get them might be to meet and marry a single mother. I've read your posts and the responses to them over the last few days, but I haven't had time to chime in until now.

The simple fact is that there a lot more good women out there who want to find a good man than vice versa. Lots of good women who had kids with a guy who turned out to be good-for-nothing, or a liar or a cheater. Good women who might appreciate an older guy who is more mature, stable, and dependable.

My advice is that you just keep your eyes open for women whom you find appealing. When you find one, ask her out. If that one turns you down, ask another one. One woman's trash is another woman's treasure.

As other posters have mentioned, an attribute that most decent women value highly in a man is self-confidence. You don't have to be rich or above average in looks. It helps a lot to be a good conversationalist and to show sincere interest in others. If you're the shy type, maybe you can find a shy gal and you can be shy and happy together. :-)

If you just want to have sex, certainly you can pay a woman to do that. But you should understand that most normal women (not hookers) want to have sex just about as much as men do. But most women want it with a guy they feel comfortable with and have an emotional connection with. It takes time and effort to make that connection.

Good luck to you.

I'm gay, so I find this astounding.

Men are always good to go.

ozpoof Wrote:
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> Men are always good to go.

There are millions upon millions of men who dearly wish that this were so...

> I'm gay, so I find this astounding.

...and some of them are gay, too!!!

:)

very anon for this good luck to you. It is a big step to write about it on a public forum. To read all that feedback. Keep us updated on your thoughts.

I don't smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs, don't drink coffee, and I've never had sex -- and I am not now nor have I ever been a member of the LDS Church. In my case I'm tall and smart and independent -- all of the qualities that make guys flee from you in terror. I'll probably die a virgin. Life is funny.

"I'm tall and smart and independent -- all of the qualities that make guys flee from you in terror."

Maybe you just haven't met the right guy yet. My wife is six feet tall and very smart. She was 19 when we met, so she wasn't exactly independent, but she was attending college 90 miles from home and renting an apartment with her girlfriend. It took me all of three weeks to propose to her. That was 36 years ago, and I haven't fled in terror yet. :-)

When we first got engaged, and my wife was telling her friends about me on the phone, the first thing they wanted to know was "Is he tall?" They knew how rare it was for her to meet a guy taller than her. I'm 6'3". We have two boys who are 6'4" and 6'5", and two girls who are 5'10" and 5'11".

I was going to marry a Jack Mormon guy who didn't take Mormonism all that seriously but his family did. They made him end our relationship and I never saw him again. I was deeply in love and he broke my heart. I've dated a few other guys but I don't get to meet many single people. I don't hate Mormons but I loathe the stupid wacky cult of Mormonism and hope I live to see it fall.