Most of you probably aren't familiar with me, but some of you are.


I lost my career due to my dual diagnosis. I finally found the beginnings to another one, and I really enjoy it.

I absolutely hate being bipolar. I was stable for some time now and was sober just about a week shy of 6 months.

Today, for no reason I can put a finger on, my brain feels like it exploded. My thoughts are going a billion miles a second and my mood is all over the place. It took me a while to realize it, after a huge argument with my wife. All of my filters have gone. I just started realizing this before I started typing.

I couldn't sit still, everything was all or nothing, fast fast fast. Emotions, thoughts, reactions.

Now, after just shy of 6 months sober, I'm drinking tonight. It's like it wasn't even a thought or choice. Before when I had cravings I pushed through them. Tonight was just straight to it.

I'm more calm now but realize that it's only self-medicated. I'm ashamed and disappointed that I ingested alcohol. There is no excuse. I made a choice.

Now my wife is beyond upset. When I was in the psychiatric hospital in January, she said she was about to leave me. I told her that if I started drinking again, it was really me leaving her because I understood where she was coming from.

Now here I am. I love and hate this feeling. I can't believe I drank again. The chemical has calmed me somewhat, but now she had lost trust in me and sees it as a step towards us splitting up.

My body feels like it's vibrating and can't rest. My brain is even worse. I take a few meds for it but I've obviously pushed through them. The one medication that was magical for me was Topomax. The first time it kicked in, I cried so hard due to the relief it gave me. My thoughts stopped like a plane flying out of a storm into a calm. But I had to stop taking it because it was making my heart have an arrhythmia.

I can't stand this. Nothing made me drink but me. I just can't stand the symptoms and suffering of this fucking illness.

I am impulsive, irratic and out of control. It took me about an hour to wrangle my thoughts in enough to edit and write this.

I have done fucked myself and my relationship.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 07/22/2014 08:44PM by ragingphoenix.

I'm sorry to hear that. I wish I had words of advice but all I can give is sympathy and a listening ear.

Ragingphoenix,

Get to your doctor quickly! You need your meds re-evaluated. Sometimes it takes several meds working in concert. Please do not wait.

Good luck. :-)

I think you need to go to the emergency room to be evaluated. I think you are in the manic phase of your illness. It is very important to take good care of yourself now. Don't be hard on yourself for the drinking---you felt a bio-chemical need to self-medicate. You probably need a change in your medications and some time in the hospital to recuperate.

Remember that mental illness is a "no fault" brain disease and many people need to take meds for mental health. You should not feel ashamed to have bipolar disorder. I know it is disrupting to a normal life, but with the right meds and self-care you can be as healthy as possible.

Please don't delay treatment! I hope you stay safe during this time.

Raging I'm so sorry. All I can do is give you hugs and be there as a listening ear. You know where to find me elsewhere if you just want to vent.

I'm so sorry. While I do understand the self-medicating part, do be sure to see your physician ASAP. Keep trying! You can do this. I know that it's tough.

I would tell your wife everything that you just told us and then promise her that you're going to go to the doctor to re-evaluate your meds.

I agree with noone. Just be really gentle with your wife and tell her, "Honey, I think I'm in a manic stage. Please don't be upset. I'm going to go to the hospital and get some help to get me through this one. It'll be okay."

Don't know man. Never did stop following your story though.

At this point yes.

I feel like I'm at the mercy of the waves of thought and emotion. This is most certainly a mixed episode but mainly manic.

My wife is so pissed off she is choosing to be on the couch. I'm starting to fight suicidality. I'm fairly certain I'll be fine. I know this cycle and I'm so fucking sick of it.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/22/2014 10:43PM by ragingphoenix.

Getting to six month sober took tremendous courage. Let tonight be only a few hour detour from your path. Don't give up, cut yourself a break.

Sounds like it is time to try some different meds. Been there myself, still looking for an antidepressant that works for me. You have motivated to make the call tomorrow to do just that. Been screwing around as my insurance changed and I got tired of the take this pill for six weeks and lets see what happens.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, we only have ourselves to blame and praise for our lives. I just keep going. That is all I can do. That is all you can do. After 54 years this is my philosophy--Life is more difficult than you can ever imagine. But still we must persevere.

So you fell off the wagon today. Get the help you need, and get back on. Please please please keep us updated.

Exactly. Tomorrow's a new day. You can do it, one day at a time.

Your wife is piss off right now, but she'll get over it!

Take care of yourself...and listen to everyone's advice, go get some help!

We're here for you...please keep us posted!!!

I am also bipolar, type I. If you need to talk about that, I am here. I'm pretty knowledgeable about meds, I've basically tried them all. Sounds like you need them reviewed pretty badly. You are almost certainly manic right now. In the immediacy, please seek help.

In the long term: you fell. You *can* get back up :)



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/23/2014 06:19AM by safetynotguaranteed.

Mormons may not drink or smoke, but they indulge in sugar and fat in ways I have never seen... and they have similar drug like effects that are SO subtle and SO accepted in our culture, we don't even notice them.

Raging Phoenix, you've only gone wrong in one simple place: That you've convinced yourself that your love of alcohol *must* conflict with your love toward your wife. This is anything but so!

You love alcohol. You love your wife. Nothing is wrong with either of these things. In her world, it's not possible. In yours, it's beyond possible: it's your reality.

Also, drinking alcohol does NOT mean you love alcohol more than your wife! Alcohol is one of the MOST NATURAL forms of medication on the planet!!!! It would be like saying *anyone* on a pill loves their medication more than their partner. *rolls eyes*

I'm very impressed at how aware of an individual you seem to be. Your pain and uneasiness seem to be coming strongly from the fact that you are ashamed of your alcohol use... let that go. There's no need to be ashamed. If anything, your ability to self-scrutnize is something I don't see very often from someone who self-medicates: You know yourself well to have written what you wrote while under the effects of something that is calming your mind.

It's a good use of alcohol,friend.You're pointing the finger of awareness back at yourself, not redirecting it while on alcohol into a distraction. Some people refer to that kind of thing as, "Energy Work."



...It's not your wife's place to insist that if you drink alcohol, you don't love her. It's your duty to prove that both are possible by loving her unconditionally, no mater what the results of your actions are.

Good luck, my friend. Six months without your sacrament is a *long* fast, but a good one. Keep those patterns up and you're on your way to steady discipline.



Good luck, friend.

-V