My mom died on Sunday. The visitation is Thursday and the Funeral is Friday at the church. I don't attend the ward and live in a nearby city, but my mom was much loved by the members. She was very much TBM. As would be expected the ward has been very supportive.

As the oldest male family member attending, I'm thrust into that uncomfortable role of "pious" priesthood holder, if you know what I mean. It's been years since I've worn my garments. I'm a complete apostate. Haha. I don't even believe in a God anymore.

Can I justify being a complete and total hypocrite by giving the family prayer before the funeral? I'm laden down with all the baggage of a lifelong member, and my mom's death has stirred it all up. I'm not going to pretend to be something I'm not. I'm not going to wear my garments for the sake of appearance. No white shirt, though. Haha. I'm a classic example of arrested emotional development--as I reread what I've written it sounds like I'm a teenager....I'm in my 50s...

I feel as though it would be a personal tribute to my mom, who would appreciate the gesture.

Can I do this?? I need some words of support. If it's criticism please make it gentle. I'm tender at the moment.

It is not right or wrong to say the prayer. If you pray the prayer from the heart for your mother, even knowing H.G. will not be passing it on to Mormon God, its all good. It is a tribute to your mother done her way. You would be fulfilling her wish. What could be wrong with that?

Its sort of like when your daughter wants you to play tea party. You just do it. It makes her happy. You don't think about how silly or how bad your knees hurt sitting on the tiny chair--you just do it.

Agreed. You don't have to follow the Mormon format, just say what's in your heart. Use it as a way to thank and pay tribute to your mother. Despite her TBMness, I'm guessing she sacrificed a tremendous amount for you. Most mothers do.

Anyway, I'm sorry for your loss and I wish you peace.

Ditto. Say what comes to your heart. What the congregation thinks doesn't matter a single bit. She was your mother and you can say anything you want to say. Frankly, I doubt anyone will care enough to criticize that you didn't give a testimony in your prayer. I don't think Mormons listen much to prayers because they are all mostly the same.

If it makes you too anxious to even stand-up in front of everyone just reassign the duty to someone else at the last minute and say you are too mournful to participate.

Here are a couple of things I discovered with the death of my wife of 40 years:

When people wanted to get together, I might say, “I’m sorry. I’m just not feeling strong enough to get together right now. I’ll get in touch when I feel better.”

Much to my surprise, people that I thought might give me a hard time accepted my reasoning. I guess they gave me a “pass” because of the situation.

Also, I’d prepare myself by “rehearsing” for various things. If I thought doing a certain thing might make me really sad (like meeting old friends or doing something my wife and I enjoyed doing together), I’d think about the situation and do my crying in advance. Or I’d let myself feel frightened, or anxious, or angry. By the time the actual event occurred, I found myself functioning on a more even keel.

Above all, try not to get down on yourself for having feelings or doubts or uncertainties during this stressful time.

Keep being honest with yourself – just as you’ve been honest with us on this forum – and know that many of us have you in our thoughts.

Express love for your mother and acknowledge her life accomplishments and ask for blessings and comfort for those in attendance and anyone who will miss her.

Thanks, Cheryl. I don't post often but I read almost daily. I love your posts.

I'm sorry for your loss and sorry you're facing this challenge. Warm thoughts to you.

Take care.

So sorry for your loss. You'll get through it. Stay strong.

People at a funeral will support you.

First, I'm sorry for your loss. It's difficult to lose a parent. Yes, you'll be fragile for awhile. Take your time to deal with all of it.

Prayer is internationally accepted and appropriate.
Adapt your prayer to the situation.
You are honoring your mother, this is 100% about her. Make your remarks about her. That's your focus for this event.
It's about love.

We had a lovely service in the LDS Church for my believing husband when he passed away Jan 2013. His children gave prayers and talks (only one them active or believing LDS), but the bishop didn't know or didn't care.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/22/2014 10:52AM by SusieQ#1.

Losing a Mother is hard enough without all the religious barriers.

I'd suggest a little talk with the bishop before hand. Explain that there will be non and ex Mormons who will respect his religion and expect the same in return. The did not travel here to hear a sermon. Every moment of this time must be devoted to honoring her.

It sounds like she raised you well.

Do not give the bishop a "head's up". He will refuse to let you do it. Just give a heartfelt prayer without it being a model LDS prayer. I gave several testimonies while not a believer and got compliments all around and did not follow the LDS standard for it. I even blessed babies without the usual stuff about missions and marrying in the temple. Just give a prayer of thanks for your Mom and all did and how you all loved her and she loved you, how much you will miss her and that you pray she is listening.

I'm so sorry for your loss. As a fellow atheist, you are well aware that the funeral is for the living. So much of social interaction ends up being a balance between being nice i.e. playing along and/or being authentic i.e. wearing a colored shirt and saying words in your own way. There's no wrong choice. My daughter died in '06. Being an emotional wreck, I opted for nice. I let my TBM family have a Mormon funeral and burial in Utah even though my daughter was also an atheist and Utah was not our home state. My MIL and BIL were going to be asses no matter which course I chose. They were. But lots of decent humans who happen to be Mormon were comforted by the ritual and by me just blending into the ritual. I wish you peace along your path.

Just say the prayer and think of it as more of a meditation.
You can make it short and sweet. So sorry about losing your mother. It's really hard losing a parent no matter how old you are.

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom in my 50's, age does not matter, she is still you Mom.

As others have said do this for your Mom, make it about her.

I lost both my parents 5+ years ago and it is a difficult thing even in our 50s.

I think you've received a lot of good advice, so I won't add anything else.

I am sorry for your loss. May you find peace among the tears and whatever other emotions surface...

my mum died a little over 3 weeks ago. We tried to remember that the funeral was so her and not for us in some way. Example we chose music she loves that was not necessarily our taste at all. We smiled afterwards that it was all that she would have wanted.

I think you should do what makes you feel best at this time. I am round about your age and realise now age doesn't matter when you lose your mum

My thoughts are with you

Lydia, Condolences to you, as well.

but I do believe some "seals" the grave or something like that, and it sounds like a priesthood ordinance. I would opt out of that one, if I were you.

But do whatever feels right to you when they close the casket (the family prayer). You don't need to keep a brave face or act a particular part for other people who attend. This funeral is for you and the immediate family most of all. Either opt out of this, or do it in a way that feels authentic. You may even want to just mostly speak to her, and just begin and end with the prayer formalities or maybe express gratitude for her life.

Take care.

tmtinfw Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Can I justify being a complete and total hypocrite
> by giving the family prayer before the funeral?

> Can I do this?? I need some words of support. If
> it's criticism please make it gentle. I'm tender
> at the moment.

No rights, no wrongs. My personal opinion, no it won't be being a hypocrite. It will be as you said:-

> I feel as though it would be a personal tribute to
> my mom, who would appreciate the gesture.

So sorry for your loss. Grief is never easy.

I am so sorry for your loss. Do be extra kind, generous, and loving to yourself at this time. No, I don't think it would be hypocritical at all for you to give a prayer. In other faiths, funerals tend to bring together diverse people regardless of their faith status, and accommodations are made. That is the humane thing to do under the circumstances.

I've lived in (and attended) the ward for 10 years and know your mom well. I share your sentiments regarding the church and religion in general.

The folks in this ward are very kind and caring. Do and say what feels right to you. The ward members who knew and love your mom won't be judgmental. If someone does happen to be judgmental or have unkind feeling, you'll never know it . . . and who cares anyhow.

I look forward to finally meeting you.

Thanks to all for taking time to respond! Today and tomorrow are big days and your kind words and sound advice have helped me get a bit more centered and prepared.

"Just say the prayer and think of it as more of a meditation."

Another idea to help you feel more comfortable if you decide to do it:
Write some notes on an index card of what you want to say. No one will care, even if it's not typical for Mormons to write prayers.

I think most Mormons are kind and will accommodate your way of expressing the thoughts of your heart. Mostly they'll be glad you're there and will want to support you in your grief.

I also send condolences on your loss.

Hopefully you will find a slice of peace today and tomorrow. It must be difficult to lose your Mom.

Having survived a horrifically, painful, mormon funeral when my father-in-law died, I had a few years to think how it might have been more tolerating for my husband, children, and myself. Over and over I came up with the same resolution. The answer for me, when faced with the inevitable family mormon gathering is to lose ALL expectations. For example, do NOT expect the funeral to be a time for love and nurturing. Expect the worst. A mormon funeral is designed to nurture active mormons and no one else. It is not designed to be a time for nurturing people outside of their circle.

I send good thoughts your way.