I'll keep this simple.. not sure more detail would help anyway.

I am Divorced ( thanks TSCC) met a wonderful woman and dated

for a over a year. I believed at one time I could have

settled down with her and married. I came to the relationship

in much better financial and emotional state than she.

I care for her but must break the tie and just would like some

suggestions on how to do it... Trust me " I'm not all that" but

she thought 'I was the one' and could solve all her problems.

She was married twice prior and I was married only once. No

kids involved other than grown children btw. While I care for

her I am not deeply in Love with her. I tried to build on what

we had but can see the writing on the wall. She is LDS and was

temple married but "knows no history" and the TSCC was never

an issue.She is a bit fragile and I do not want to hurt her..

this is my first time in a situation like this since my

divorce. I am a mature adult male but could use some advice in

this area.

opinions?...

Do it quickly, like ripping off a bandage.

"I'm sorry, but I don't see this relationship going anywhere and I'm going to see other people."

I agree. The only reason to try any other manipulative approach is if you are planning on writing the incident as a treatment for a sit-com.

No one should be lead on. If you are sure, just do it.

I agree with the "I'm sorry, but I don't see this relationship going anywhere..." bit.

But there is no need for, "...and I'm going to see other people."

While it may be honest, I don't think a freshly dumped person needs to hear it. It comes off as unnecessarily cruel. "I wish to end our relationship so I can go out looking for someone better than you because you suck...." is how it can be received.

Be kind.

>But there is no need for, "...and I'm going to see other people."

In a situation like this, it is best to shut off the hope that if she 'changes' then you'll stick with the relationship.

Have you ever been dumped and heard 'I'm going to see other people'?

Bednar's Barber Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Have you ever been dumped and heard 'I'm going to
> see other people'?
======================
Yes!

It hurt even though I wasn't in love or anything.

Yes, I've heard that line. Once, I dated an overweight, introverted guy who wasn't very good at socializing. At the time, I was in shape, looked very good, and was somewhat of a social butterfly. During the four months we dated, we exercised a lot together; he lost a few clothing sizes and gained a lot of self-confidence. Just weeks after he declared that ours was the relationship he'd always dreamt of, he told me that he wanted to stop dating me...

so that he "could date as many other women as possible."

Ouch!

A few months later, he met and quickly proposed to a woman 14 years his junior.

And when you end it DO NOT go back to "be friends" or check up to see how she's doing or email or call her or suggest lunch to catch up.

Freakin' end it, already and move on.

Anything else and you're leading her on. That's mean.

+1000

Actually, refusing to ever acknowledge her existence or treat her in a friendly manner from the dumping onward is what's immature, rude, and self-serving. It makes you look like (in the words of my son) a "chode."

Sending a friendly text or saying "hi" now and again only makes you appear polite, considerate, and socially adept. If she invites you out again, just politely decline.

Even if you don't want to date her, that woman will remember you as the kind of man any woman -- including all her friends, good-looking cousins, and acquaintances -- would want to date. She'll speak well of you instead of warning everyone she knows to stay away.

Even if you can't bring yourself to behave in a mature, kind, and considerate way for its own sake, at least do so for the boost it will give your reputation going forward.

icedtea Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Sending a friendly text or saying "hi" now and
> again only makes you appear polite, considerate,
> and socially adept. >
>
at least do so for the boost it will give
> your reputation going forward.

Are you a guy? If so, trust me, you're wrong. Apparently from your post it's more about how you appear or how your reputation survives you dumping her than it is about making it easy for the woman you just dumped.

No one who's been dumped wants to accept that it's over. They want to keep hope alive. You may think a text saying "hi" makes you appear polite and considerate but it makes the dumpee think you're having second thoughts.

If you actually like and respect and care about the feelings of the person you're dumping rather than boosting your reputation and feeling like you're a decent guy, you will END IT and not look back.

Send her a text! :-) No, not really. Just joking about how some actually do that! Including firing people from a job!

I agree that it's best to stick to one statement, I like this one: "I'm sorry, but I don't see this relationship going anywhere and I'm going to see other people." (Thanks to Lurker From Beyond"

No discussion. End it, means just that.
No more contact. Done.

Change your email and phone number if necessary or refuse to respond.

If she has problems with it, she can seek counseling.

Parking a U-Haul in front of the house is one way.

The problem is all inside your head
She said to me
The answer is easy if you
Take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle
To be free
There must be fifty ways
To leave your lover

She said it's really not my habit
To intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning
Won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself
At the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways
To leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

[CHORUS:]
You Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

She said it grieves me so
To see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do
To make you smile again
I said I appreciate that
And would you please explain
About the fifty ways

She said why don't we both
Just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning
You'll begin to see the light
And then she kissed me
And I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways
To leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

you know in the future she'll meet someone else who will appreciate her many positive qualities and fulfill her needs.

I like Cheryl's approach and do not advocate saying you will be seeing other people.

Making "I" statements and showing genuine appreciation of her good qualities is the kindest, most genuine way to end it.

I have to admit that in the past I have ended relationships by telling the man that I found I still had feelings for an old boyfriend. Then I expressed regret that I did not recognize it sooner, but would have to deal with these before I could move forward into another relationship.

This was a lie, but I felt like it was more merciful than suggesting he was inadequate. It also worked to completely terminate the relationship with no begging or "let's be friends" conversation.

I'd like to hear from you if I was right or wrong there.


Kathleen Waters



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/21/2014 01:56PM by anagrammy.

I think any time you mention there's going to be or is someone else it send the message that the person is inadequate. I think it's more merciful to simply say that you don't see the relationship going forward and anything along the lines of I wish you well.

Co-signed to above advice: FACE to FACE, please, just straight up say what the very first poster said, "I don't want to see you anymore."

I liked how one gentleman put it "If I stick around I'll get too attached to you." We'd only been seeing each other for a month so that may not work for you.


What I didn't appreciate was my gentleman not telling me to my face!

I am not a drama queen who is going to throw water on you and scream, especially in a public place!

She deserves to be told face to face, maybe in a park where you can both get in your cars and drive away.

But be man enough to tell it to her face!

And you can just state simply this relationship is not going the direction you thought it would and you know she deserves to have someone who she can connect with better. You don't want to be standing in her way to a better future relationship; with someone else.

Be very direct and blunt (kind, but blunt.) "I've enjoyed my time with you, and you are a fine person, but I don't see this relationship progressing any further. I'm breaking up with you. I'm sorry. I hope that you find what you are looking for."

Eons ago when I worked as a restaurant cook, it was a truism that if you are going to be cut, you want a sharp blade and a quick cut. It makes it easier to heal.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/21/2014 01:58PM by summer.

Just say that dating for the year has led to the conclusion that it won't work out long term. Say it is nothing she did wrong,but just that you realize it will not work out long term and it would be wrong of you to lead her on any longer. Therefor it is time to move on. Then make it a permanent split.

Don't give details. If she wats them, just say it is not up for discussion it is over.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/21/2014 02:04PM by anon2day.

Trying to be overly kind will most likely be misinterpreted.
You need to firmly cut off any hope for a further relationship.

A 'fragile' and clinging vine who believes in the Mormon fairy tale is always hard to dissociate from.

Once you have stated your case, move on and refuse any further interaction.

<Trying to be overly kind will most likely be misinterpreted.
You need to firmly cut off any hope for a further relationship.

A 'fragile' and clinging vine who believes in the Mormon fairy tale is always hard to dissociate from.

Once you have stated your case, move on and refuse any further interaction.>

Seriously? Where are you getting this information? Even the most Mormon Mollies out there are not fragile and clinging vines -- this is the twenty-first century, not the nineteenth.

Refusing interaction, as I mentioned above, just makes the dumper look like a shallow, callous cad.

Where do I get the info?
I read the OP's post.

The other part of not being told face to face, I didn't get a chance to have closure.

I wanted to thank him to his face for the good times we'd had. To look into his eyes and say thank you.

Being cut off over the phone was horrible. It meant I could never call him again, that was okay, but to not be able to say thank you face to face was terrible.

It could trigger some abandonment issues for her that are NOT necessary. She can handle it but man up and look her in the eyes and tell her thank you too.

By text?

No reason to add "and I'm going to see other people". That's obvious after the words "I'm breaking up with you", so why pour salt in the wound?

If she harasses you afterward (which she probably won't), you can deal with it easily and effectively then. You don't need to further sting her in the moment by adding that in only because of a fear she'll remain clingy.

Also, let me say it's very thoughtful of you to solicit opinions on how to do this without hurting her too much. That shows you're a good guy.

Dr. Love's advice is:

Be as gentle as possible, within the constraints of being as clear and definitive as possible. And do it face to face. One example:

"Linda...there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to say it: I have come to see that we are not a match. I say that knowing what a great person you are, and admiring so much about you. I care about you, your happiness and future, and so even though I know this seems sudden, I know it's for the best - for both of us".

Then, shut up. Let her process. Let her talk if she wants. If she requests a more detailed explanation, it's up to you whether you give it. You don't really owe her one, but you can give her one if she demonstrated destructive behaviours which led you to your conclusion. It might help her future relationships if she hears them from you, in a kind, but forthright, way.

Once the conversation's over, kindly bid adieu, and then leave.

By the way, I encourage the verb "see" rather than "I *feel* we're not a match", or "I believe", or "I think". Those other verbs leave wiggle room. She might think she can persuade you otherwise. But the verb "to see" implies "coming to know" or "concluding". It is definitive and authoritative. A little thing, perhaps, but then, in these sorts of affairs, little things can make a big difference.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/21/2014 05:10PM by Tal Bachman.

You could list the things you really like about her, tell her how great you think she is, and then just say the chemistry is not there. You wish the feelings were there, but they just aren't and she deserves to have someone who really is crazy for her on every level and lives to be near her.

I'd like to put a plea in for breaking the news at a decent time of day where she can call friends for sympathy. Please don't do it dropping her off at her door at midnight.

Ms. Hurry

After a year of dating, saying this is going nowhere does not seem right.

Would go with the comments that you appreciate her but there is something missing and it cant be fixed.

send her a postcard.

"Welcome to Dumpsville, population YOU!!!"

I can't believe all the posts to 'cut all ties'. If they are in a relationship that would allow them to be friends still then lucky them.

Redneck - I also don't know that it is necessary to cut all ties. It depends on the two people. Sometimes it can be too hard to retain some connection; but other times, lovers can move into being great friends, both realizing that they were more of a friendship match, than a romantic match. Again, it depends.

If your relationship has been kind, respectful, etc up until this point, BY ALL MEANS do your exit gracefully.

Quick exits are for when the adults who will part can have NO adult conversation and put healthy closure to it.

First, of all END ALL FALSE HOPE that romance exists. Stop affection, but do be kind!

You can set a time limit to "the talk" and do it someplace on HER territory, where she feels safe. Yes, you will need to talk in person. This was not just someone you dated a few times and decided there was no chemistry. This was someone you gave some serious thought of committent with.

If this is a GOOD woman, do not just dissapear and do not imply there is someone else or will be shortly.

DO not imply you can be friends. She will need closure and will need to be away from you to heal. I believe that is only possible with a LOT of time and space!

Keep it simple and honest. Break up suck and they DO hurt.
Let her know "I want to tell you something hard for me to say, as tactfully as possible, but I have come to the realization that I do not see a future with us."

That way you are not singling HER out as the problem. Focus on two great people, but one poor match for a permanant commitment. Do not "fault find"

She might be upset or cry. Be a man and do not withdraw. Apologize for hurting her, but it was better she know now, that give her false hope in more. Do not make any moves to hug, kiss or hold her hand, unless its mutual. Then stand, and let her know that you need to go. If you feel bad, then then her know you FEEL BAD. Of course you want to get out of there, but do not run out like your hair is on fire.

If it gets ugly, by all means GO! If you know a close friend or family member nearby...call them afterwards to go comfort her. You can still be a compassionate Dude, without being an arse in the end. Be classy and earn your freedom OUT.

I have had the graceful exit and the harsh one. Both are breakups and breakups suck. But the Dude that did it as graceful as possible, I can look back and think "He cared about my well-being as much as his own, even if we were not a good match."

RMM

It's next to impossible to try and keep some relationship going with a person who once hoped to marry you, especially not when that person was raised in the Never Give Up mentality of Mormonism.
At least I've never seen it work.

Trying to let such a person down easy usually makes their pain worse and can easily end up in stalking situations.

The fact that you see her as fragile and are afraid to hurt her would send up warning flags right away.

No one says to be unkind. But you MUST be firm and move on.