My husband and I were married 8 years ago - he is Catholic and I am Lutheran. He was previously married to a "jack" mormon woman when we was 28 (she was 20) and they were married for 10 years and had a daughter - my step-daughter. My husband and his ex-wife agreed before they were married that they would raise their children in a non-denominational religion.

Once the daughter was born, the ex-wife immediately returned to the Mormon church and insisted that my husband become Mormon. He told her absolutely not (after researching the religion and attending some church services). The daughter has been raised very strict LDS by her mother (unbeknownst to us) and the daughter now (who is 19 and attends BYU Hawaii) will not have anything to do with her Dad or this side of the family. She will not call or visit her Dad when she is on break from school and she has recently blocked all of us (my daughter included) from her Facebook, which was our only way of knowing what was going on in her life. She has now completely cut off all communication. We have had many problems with his ex-wife from lack of visitation with the daughter over the years to her lying about back child support (to the tune of $20,000) and constantly lying to their daughter about us and our family and our beliefs, etc.

My problem is how do we move forward with trying to rebuild or even begin to have a relationship with this daughter? At this point, my husband and I feel that he should always leave the door open to her if she were to ever leave the Mormon faith, but he wants to continue to write her and send her care packages, etc. He has written her several letters trying to reconnect, but she either ignores them or calls him to argue things that he has said to her - things like "truth" about her upbringing and things that have happened to him/us over the years. I also get the feeling like her mother is behind most of this. We've never been able to tell where the daughter begins and where the ex-wife ends - they are one in the same. The daughter will not respond via email (like her mother has access to her email maybe?) and she has never responded to anything we have posted to her on FB, which was always positive and loving. She will only talk with her Dad by phone. I think she has Momon eyes all over her to make sure that she is not "removed" from the fold. We are both frustrated with the behavior of his daughter, but feel that there is nothing much we can really do but wait and see if she ever wakes up out of the brainwashing and manipulation perpetrated by her mother and the Mormon Church.

Any suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated!

Love her unconditionally. Respect what she believes. Your relationship with her is more important than wanting to share any contrary religious views with her. Be tender and forgiving. Ask for any forgiveness you may need to. Over time she can love you both again. She may have the fault but you will have to be the adult to win her back and have her again. It can happen. Good luck.

use it...i think that your husband has a good idea....leave the lines of communication open..... and never tell her that her mom lied to her...even if it is true..,... these things have a way of revealing themselves... it may be hard...but the truth is she is growing up now and hopefully form her own opinions on you and you husbands family!! good luck.... and listen to the "old Man'!! :)

Good advice above. Build bridges not walls.

I'd like to add also that, the truth always seems to find the light. My BIL was kept away from his son due to the lies his ex-wife told the boy; That his dad was dishonorably discharged from the Marine Corp, That he'd been in jail, all kinds of awful things. Eventually, he found his son on facebook. He was 19 when BIL found him again. (And guess what, his son is in the Marine Corps.) Son had already begun to suspect the things his mom told him were untrue. My BIL mailed him a copy of his honorable discharge and also all the court documents detailing his attempts to see his son. They have since re-united, and all the family members that had not been able to see him since he was 5 years old, were present at his wedding. And last week we got great news. BIL is going to be a grandpa in 2012! Happy ending!

I am sorry you find yourself in this difficult situation but you cannot force a relationship with someone who isn't interested.

Certainly keep the door open, you never know when she might have a change of heart and reach out to him. The 'love' found in Mormonism is contingent on remaining a true believing member. Don't make your love contingent on leaving TSCC.

Otherwise, you have to move on with your life. Good luck.

One of the regular posters on here & her husband had a similar experience with his kids from the first marriage. Their mother poisoned them thoroughly against her DH & also her first husband.

My SIL (a complete mulehead) has also cut off all contact for the past 9-10 years with my FIL. It breaks his heart because he doesn't get to see his 2 granddaughters.

As they say, you can lead a horse to water but can't make them drink. It's up to your stepdaughter to decide if she wishes to have a relationship. It's unfortunate but it's out of your hands.

It may take some time. As long as she is at BYU,you will probably be a holding pattern. As we all know, after college comes real life. If she eventually has children of her own, she may start to see things in a whole different light.

Witholding a relationship with the other parent in a divorce will ALWAYS come back to bite the parent who did all of the manipulating. That is a well known fact.

Be patient. Love as well as possible, don't do anything you may have to apologize for later.

I have been through this.DH and I have a great relationship with this child now (he's 25). He has a very limited relationship with his mother now. He is angry with her for depriving him of being with his father growing up. It all comes back around.

I think this is about more than Mormonism although that is probably a part of it. Sounds like her mother may have been poisoning her for years and lying to her about many things.Keep the door open and try to make contact. I wouldn't bad mouth her mother or the church any more than is necessary to let her know the truth when she is ready to hear it.Unfortunatley this is common in divorce.

From the perspective of a child of divorce...

Focus only on the positive connections. Send messages that keep to only the following topics:

- Telling her you love her and are proud of her
- Hoping she's well, and does she have any recent exciting news?
- Tell your recent important happenings
- Reinforce that your door is always open, and that you hope to see her soon.

Keep all discussions of religion, childhood, or her mother out of it entirely.

Screen phone calls for a while, and simply answer by email using the "we've been busy" excuse, but you wanted to catch up when you had a minute.

When you finally do talk to her, if she stirs up into the criticism again, cut the phone call short. Go back to screening the calls.

Either she'll get it eventually, or she'll ask you why you're avoiding her calls. You can then tell her how upsetting and poisonous the calls are, and that you have nothing but love and pride for her but don't wish to be her punching bag.

She'll get it or she won't.

If your husband's daughter wants contact with him, she knows how to reach him. The ball's in her court.

He can affirm his unconditional love for her in small ways that may or may not be accepted by her if she'll accept communication.

The best he can do now, is to be there for her if she ever wants to establish a relationship.

Otherwise, there is nothing you can do.
My suggestion is to let the past go.
If there is contact: never bring up anything to do with the ex wife,or religion.

She is still young, she may want to have a relationship with her father at some point.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/03/2011 07:02PM by SusieQ#1.

Being the daughter of divorced parents, this post has such glaring issues I don't think most people see unless they've been in the same shoes. Daughters want a one on one relationship with their fathers--not their father and step mother as a team. She's not your daughter, she's his daughter. I'm sure she's thinking the same thing, "I've lost my father."

It has nothing to do with Mormonism except as a distraction or pretext to what lies much deeper. Obviously, if she talks to him only on the phone, and doesn't engage in the facebook/email group communications is because she wants to talk to her father not an entire community when she talks to him.

Most children who have missed out on alone time with a parent really resent other people wanting to be part of that relationship. To you it's a matter of "us" and "our daughter." I bet that from her perspective its about "her father" not about his second wife and family.

If you really want to help, encourage him to have more time communicating with her alone--not as a group. And try to make yourself scarce when they communicate.

Cristina Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> +1 !!
This is between the daughter and her father.
I agree with the advice for you (step mother) to stay out of it.
She probably feels she "lost her father" .... I agree!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/03/2011 09:07PM by SusieQ#1.

I agree too. This is between them. Of course you have a right to demand that she be respectful and follow your rules in your home, but he is her father and you are not her mother. You will need to stay out of their issues and let them work it out. That doesn't mean you can't be friendly or stand up for yourslef, but remember, she has a mother and probably doesn't want another one. In fact, she may see you as the reason her parents are not together

I agree with this, too. Since he remarried, my father signs everything with his name and hers. Even when I asked him why he does this and how I miss getting letters from just him, it didn't stop.

I lost my dad the day he remarried. Now any conversation I have with him seems to be by committee.

I empathize. My husband lost his two daughters to his TBM ex, too. He hasn't spoken to them in years and they are both around your daughter's age.

I agree with those who say you should leave the lines of communication open. If she wants to contact her dad, she will. I think it's a promising sign that she will at least talk to her dad on the phone.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/03/2011 07:19PM by knotheadusc.

Let her go and enjoy your lives.

She seems to have taken out her teen rebellious streak on you as a couple and spared her mother and the church.
Stop being her punching bags.

If she ever wants to establish a relationship with her father, then you can re-ecaluate the situation.
But until then, back off.

Moreover, it may be better for your own daughter to grow up without a cultist older step sister.
Suppose she showed up every so often and tried to convert her?

Step children,especially moody teens, can cause untold problems when they come around and interfere in second marriages. Consider yourselves fortunate that she stayed with her mother and be careful what you wish for.

I hate to say this because it may sound heartless, but Glo makes a good point. At some time, adult children have to take responsibility for their actions. Relationships are a two way street.

I would let her make the first move. If and when she does reconnect, don't allow her to be abusive.

Lots of good comments here; the real christian thing to do is give unconditional love (without love-bombing). Although there probably more aspects to this than just the LDS church, in the back of my head the word "cult" is rattling around....

I am not the child of divorce, but I am involved with a man who has 2 children and I have 2 children. Our children were pretty much raised into their late teens when we got "back" together.

He does things with his kids--I do things with mine. I give him time to spend the Jewish holidays with his kids without me there and I spend holidays with mine. I live with him a lot of the time now, but his daughter will be home (he still lives in the family home) for a week at Thanksgiving and I will be home with my kids.

I don't NEED to be #1 in his life. One day he said something about me being #1 and I told him--you have a #1 daughter, a #1 son, and a #1 girlfriend (and a #1 dog).

Daughter and father relationships are extremely important. She needs a relationship with her father alone.

That's the problem with step-families. Wish it weren't so--but there are SO MANY issues with marriages and remarriages and we just expect the children to go along when they had NO CHOICES, but were dragged along for the ride.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/03/2011 07:51PM by cl2.

+1

Thank you all for your responses and insight. Just to comment, I have stayed out of the relationship between my husband and his daughter. I too am the product of divorce and my Dad remarried a woman that he was found to be having an affair with. Of course, my brothers and I would not accept her and it took several years to even speak with her. She was always very gracious and kind and never made a spectacle of herself - she allowed us to come to her (it took 10 years). I learned a lot from her and now we all respect and love her for what she has given to our Dad.

So, I understand what everyone has said about allowing the relationship between them. I just feel that Mormonism is at the heart of this problem because her behavior and attitude doesn't correlate with the relationship with her Dad (or me and my daughter). We have been nothing but good to her, respectful of her and kind (and we've not brought up anything about her Mormon faith) - it's just hard to understand and comprehend the behavior. But, I agree too that it is now up to her and her responsibility to want the relationship and hopefully, in the future, she will want to have an authentic relationship with her Dad.

Thank you everyone for your input . . . it does help! :-)

There could be a lot of mom lying to her too. Dad doesn't love you since he doesn't do XXXXX. Dad doesn't pay child support. Dad forgot to call you on your birthday. We got divorced because Dad did X. You get the picture

$20,000 in child support is large number to lie about. I'm guessing there could be some truth or partial truth in this.

Most people who don't pay full child support rationalize it and don't think they owe it when they really do.

THis sounds like a bigger issue than mormonism.

It'a a bit of a long story about the lying about the $20K. My husband and his ex-wife had an agreement (verbal and written) outside of the divorce decree to reduce his child support commensurate with a pay cut he took in his job almost 10 years ago. She never once mentioned during that time that she wanted more child support until the daughter became 18 and was finished with high school. Then it became a matter of the ex-wife lying about other expenses that she wanted him to pay for - all of this came up right after he lost his job of 20 years. He agreed to continue to pay the child support but not the extra money she claimed was due to her. She then became angry and went to the Division of Child Support in Washington State and told them that they never had an agreement and he owed her all of this back child support. So was this a lie? I would say so. Did he owe her the money? Well, he would have had to go to court to fight equitable estoppel to find out. But, again he didn't have a job and wasn't willing to pay all of the attorney fees on top of the child support. So, the state then secretly garnished $20K out of his retirement account and he ended up having to do battle over the legal garnishment of that money - it was nightmare!

For being such a good and pious Mormon woman (or Christian as Mormons claim to be) it was hard to believe that she had any compassion in her heart for his situation as well as his wanting to be involved in his daughter's life. And, on top of it all she has now alienated his daughter against him. To me Mormonism just doesn't appear very Christ-like or Christian and it seems to always be about $$money$$ with these people.

I'm afraid you and your husband will have to wait until she chooses to reconnect with you. She is an adult and if you try to force the contact from your end it will only serve to drive the wedge deeper.

Send birthday cards, Christmas cards, Easter cards etc etc but keep it all non religious, non preachy etc.

At some point (it may be a long time) she will come around.

You have to wonder how the bishop and other local leaders are fueling this? Their goal is to keep them coming to church. Families are important as long as both parents believe and pay. JS and BY led the charge where being a legal spouse or being the blood parent of your children does not matter. BY took married women and kids that did not belong to him and told the husband/father to buzz-off, they are mine now - go on a mission to tim-fuck-too and cool-off. Unfortunately some said "OK" dum bastards.

My ex introduced our daughters to his new wife as "your new mom" very nearly right after he married her.
In your step-daughter's eyes, you and he are not a team.
In our daughters' eyes, all they really want is for me and my ex to get back together.

I am sad to say this, but let the communication be between him and his daughter, only.
Be supportive of him as he needs it, only.
You can feel free to pray for their relationship, (I'm Lutheran) but stay back.

Unfortunately, she considers her step-father her father. She told my husband this two years ago at Christmas. She tells everyone her family is her step-father, mother and little brother from that marriage and she has never verbally acknowledged us as her family. It appears to me that it's not the issue of the step situation, but who is Mormon and who is not.

nonmoparents Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Unfortunately, she considers her step-father her
> father. She told my husband this two years ago at
> Christmas. She tells everyone her family is her
> step-father, mother and little brother from that
> marriage and she has never verbally acknowledged
> us as her family. It appears to me that it's not
> the issue of the step situation, but who is Mormon
> and who is not.


My husband's ex wife got her oldest child, a son she had by her first husband, to call my husband dad. My husband was in that boy's life from the time he was very small until he and the ex divorced. The boy was 12 at that point, and was still calling my husband "dad". And my husband, though he was not legally the boy's father, paid $850 a month in child support for that boy until the kid was 21 years old and loved him as if he were his own.

My husband also had two daughters with his ex wife. They had been very close to him. He was "Daddy". Then the ex decided she wanted a divorce. Actually, it later came out that she didn't want a divorce; she just wanted to control my husband and force him to do what she wanted him to do. They split up.

Ex apparently was waiting for my husband to crawl back to her and submit to her demands. Instead, he found me and about a year after their divorce, we started dating. When my husband finally told ex that he was going to propose to me, she said with some resignation that her boyfriend (who had been shacking up with her in the house my husband paid for) had proposed three times. She was going to say "yes". They got married two months later and she was pregnant two months after that.

Now, my husband's girls, who had once called him "Daddy" and loved him so much, call their stepfather Daddy. They have not spoken to my husband directly since 2004 and in 2006, they tried to demand that he give them up for adoption to their stepfather, who for most of their marriage, hasn't had a job.

Meanwhile, ex reconnected her oldest child with his bio-father, the man who never paid child support and who had been out of his son's life for 15 years or so. She's had two kids with her current husband. Next month, my husband's younger daughter will be 18 and, I'm guessing, she and her sister will probably go ahead and get adopted by their stepfather.

You know what? At this point, I kind of hope they do. I agree with what Rod says about moving on. It's so hurtful what the church and vindictive people do to destroy families when a relationship doesn't work out or someone loses faith.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 11/08/2011 01:25PM by knotheadusc.

This really makes me sad. I'm so sorry to hear this. I can't believe I ever let myself get involved in an organization that promotes such disrespectful behavior towards nonmembers. I'm a female in my early twenties, so I am relatively close in age with your step-daughter...and all I can say is that I hope she pulls her head out of her ass and stops treating her father so horribly...

It's good that you care about your husband and step daughter's relationship. There is nothing wrong with that.


Every blended family is different . What works for one may not work for the other.

I've seen both examples. I've seen situations where a child is unhappy about getting a step parent. In those cases it's best to give the child their space (and hopefully one day the child will warm up to you and approach you on their own).

I've also seen cases where the child is very happy with their step parent(s). In those situations it would be cold and uncaring for the step parent to be like "Sorry kid, I'm not your biological parent so I must keep my distance."

Good luck.

She was the oldest of 5, a gifted pianist/violinist, extremely intelligent (perfect score on the ACT), beautiful and talented in every way. From the moment she was born, I gave everything I had to her. We had a wonderful loving relationship. Then she went to YBU, and while there she met an older student (20 vs 25) who came from a very entrenched Mormon family there in the morridor. While she was there and going through the courting process and becoming engaged, I found out about TSCC. I left the church.

She was so freaked out about this, that she began avoiding me. She ignored all of my e-mails, letters, phone calls, etc. When she would come home for a visit, she would walk pass me as if I were a neighbor (i.e. just a wave and a fake mormon 'hi how are you' type of thing - very weird). I tried to call one time, and her husband was very rude to me, and would not let me speak to her. She did not contact me on fathers day or my birthday. She will not call me ever. She refuses to answer my calls.

I finally gave up. I had to go through a grieving process for about a year, much like if she had passed away. If I think about her, I get depressed. She now has two little girls, my first two grand daughters that I never get to see.

If your like me, because I was a "Dad" in every sense of the word to her, I just can't turn on and off the 'Dad' spicket. Unless she agrees to be a normal daughter to me, I can't see her. I can't handle it emotionally. I did nothing wrong. I find it so incredibly unfortunate that a church will teach it's members to shun a parent or family member because he/she do not believe in their cult. I think TSCC is cruel to people. I can't believe my daughter acts this way. It's stupifying and unbelievable. TSCC destroys families, parent relationships, etc and I hate TSCC for that.

My advice. Move on.