If a person is involved in a society and for what ever reason that society decides to shun; it would seem to me that the society would lose more than they gain.

If you shun me then you will no longer have access to my expertise in whatever skills I may possess . There may come a time when you might need access to those skills.

Also you will lose the pleasure of my company which could conceivably be more your loss than mine.

Everybody feel free to comment!

I have written about shunning because my husband has experienced it from his TBM daughters. First off, I think shunning is more for people within a group than it is for the person being shunned. People are social beings and there's a lot of fear in the unknown. My husband stayed in a horrible marriage to his ex wife because he knew he'd end up being shunned. Eventually, his sanity became more important. The ex started her campaign and he was shunned. It hurt, but I really think she did it as an example to her kids, to let them know that if they empathized with him, she'd shun them too.

Secondly, I think shunning is an extremely arrogant thing to do. For shunning to be effective on the target, the people doing the shunning have to believe that their company is very important. Like you said, it doesn't occur to the shunners that they may lose more than they gain by engaging in shunning.

It hurt my husband deeply to be cast out by his kids. He loves them very much, despite how they've treated him (I am a different story, but then, I only got to meet them once). But ultimately, they missed out on a wonderful father. He missed out on two hateful, brainwashed, miserable daughters who are wholly influenced by their mother. I think he got the longer end of the stick than they did; though they don't realize it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/04/2014 09:32PM by knotheadusc.

knotheadusc Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Secondly, I think shunning is an extremely
> arrogant thing to do. For shunning to be
> effective on the target, the people doing the
> shunning have to believe that their company is
> very important. Like you said, it doesn't occur
> to the shunners that they may lose more than they
> gain by engaging in shunning.

This always surprised me - that most of the people in the ward that shunned me didn't realize I felt they were doing me a favor, showing me what rotten people they really were under their Molly Mormon and Peter Priesthood masks. I didn't feel punished at all - it was more like they had given me a reason to look down on them.

What was funniest though was that Bishop Jackwagon shunned me until he realized I was avoiding him. Not to punish him but because I didn't want to deal with him. So if I ever saw him at anything at our kids school or the health club we both belonged to, I'd just make sure I stayed 100 feet away from him at all times. Then, one day it clicked for him that I was "shunning" him and that was NOT OK. He pestered me, turning on the charm which, I regret to say, he does have despite his generally toxic personality. When he wants to, he can fake sincerely nice in a very convincing way - it was like being chased around by an enthusiastic puppy. I finally started talking to him but not because of his charm or my inability to shun - but because it messed with the members minds so much to see us getting along. They were so convinced I left because I had a temper tantrum about something the bishop reprimanded me about. You could actually see how puzzled they were, watching us have a friendly chat.

So sad that the ex had the daughters shun their dad. Any so called religion that does that is surely a cult. Glad he is now happy with a sane spouse.

I think the Ex's hoùsehold is, within itself, a cult of sorts. I came to the decision long ago that it's not a punishment to be shunned by assholes. She definitely is one and sadly, she seems to have raised a few of them, too.

I used to be a lot more conciliatory toward my husband's daughters, but they are grown women now and this behavior is their decision. And their older brother, whom my husband treated and raised as his own, has some scary moral deficits in his dealings with others. It's regrettable that my husband lost his kids, but in the long run, their mother may have done us a favor by sparing us from dealing with them. I'm not sure his influence would have been enough to turn them into people with empathy.

Sometimes being shunned, whether by friends, parents, or even children can be a good thing.

My ex shunned me some 16 odd years ago. Best thing, ever, to happen in my life.

Of my 4 kids, 3 are close to me, 1 not so much (like maybe one e-mail per year kind of a thing). But like you say knothead, it's his loss, just as much as it is mine, maybe moreso.

Sometimes getting shed of toxic personalities from ones inventory of friends / relatives / lovers is the most healthy step one can take, from a personal growth and emotional health standpoint.

Tell your husband I feel his pain.

And parents who engage in PAS, for no other reason than to exact revenge on a former mate, are horrible despicable people.

IMHO.

Most groups use shunning, difference is that it's often for causes we believe in. See Paula Dean or Donald Sterling for one topic. Mormons do it, we don't believe in what they do...but our society often shuns.

That being said, I tend to agree with OP that we generally lose more than we gain.

I was shunned after I beat the bishops son and put him in the hospital. I went to jail and was the talk of the town. I kind of enjoyed it. Didn't like many of the Mormons to start with. Life is good,,

unworthy Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I was shunned after I beat the bishops son and put
> him in the hospital. I went to jail and was the
> talk of the town. I kind of enjoyed it. Didn't
> like many of the Mormons to start with. Life is
> good,,


This sounds like an interesting story!
Care to share more details?

You are right! Out here, among the shunned people, are doctors, nurses, lawyers, firemen, policemen, counselors, therapists, teachers--and everyone we really need! Who needs cookies and mumbo-jumbo blessings? Knotheatusc's husband has his wife! I have my entire family, who also resigned from the cult.

Shunning can still be very abusive. People live longer if they have friends. People are happier if they belong to a group. Humans are social beings. In our cave-man days, humans literally depended on the group for survival. In a way, we still do. Happiness increases when it is shared. Sorrow is eased when it is shared.

Shunning is designed to take away a person's value. The group doesn't need you for anything. The group doesn't care about you. The shunners want you to feel like Hell. Being overlooked, like you are not even there, can be crazy-making. When ALL of your group of friends suddenly stop taking to you, you start thinking something is wrong with YOU. In America, and in the business world, the majority is always right, huh. "Everyone" thinks you suck. Logic tells you that you left a religion. You are the same person you were the day before you left, and you can't figure out, logically, why FRIENDS suddenly won't speak to you anymore.

I left quietly, with no explanations. No one cared to ask. Instead, they told me why I left (I was offended). I did nothing to threaten their testimonies, or try to change their mind about Mormonism, or try to indoctrinate their children, like they did to me.

Mormons think they work for God. They "follow the Prophet." Actually, God will never punish us for leaving an evil cult. But the Mormons will take it upon themselves to judge and punish others in God's behalf.

Shunning is outer darkness.

Shunning is cruel, and I don't like cruel people. It is sooooo too late for me to be friends with these people, ever again.

I overheard the family talking about how I was going to outer darkness--it was extremely hurtful. This post just made me realize it was the family that was sending me there--not their made up God--LDS families become that "great tribunal" who sends people to hell. (What they don't realize is what wonderful place it is for those they have sent away)

Being shunned by a supposed mormon "friend" is what brought me to this board.

It was beyond my understanding. And yes, he lost big time in that deal. I find some peace in the knowledge that if he hasn't realized that yet, he will, in time.

Recently heard a great insight.

The sure sign of a cult is not allowing someone to keave with their dignity.

Think it was the Jeremy Runnels interview with Dehlin.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/05/2014 02:01AM by gentlestrength.

I was being shunned or shut out while an active card carrying member. It did drive me nuts....I couldn't figure it out.

The TSCC members would teach and talk about how we were all one big family, equally precious in Heavenly Fathers eyes and important. Any time I stepped up to volunteer or offer my help I was turned away with a very cold "we have all that we want".

For a long time I wondered if I wasn't living the gospel good enough, because at church you're taught if you're bad, no one will want you.

Then I grew up and realized it was their problem. I started making my own independenat decisions about my life and family.
Suddenly I had all kinds of interactive attention from ward members and the Bishop. I'd stopped turning to them for advice and attention so they started seeking me out to give it to me.

They were abusive and tried to be as demeaning of me and my family as only passive aggressive nose jobs can be.

It wasn't until long after I'd walked out of the church that I realized I'd been shunned while still in the church.

And there was nothing wrong with me, as I had suspected all along.

But covert shunning can work a number on your head as strongly as overt shunning.

I have often wondered if shunning for no good reason (i.e. for simply leaving a church community) is a sign of mental illness on the part of those who shun.

Book recommendation: Suddenly Strangers by Brad and Chris Morin. Two brothers who independent of each other came to the conclusion that TSCC was false and left. They write about how their devout Mormon family treated them.

I read that book! It's very well researched, but the parts that really got to me were the emails they shared that showed how scared and angry the family was that they'd decided to leave the church.

When on mission, there was a young sister who had been excommunicated. We like her and liked to visit with her. We were ordered by the MP to never go over there again and never speak to her again because of her "sin" (she slept with a guy before they got married-ooooo that's soooo bad) In his words, "She is nothing. Stay away from her." At the time, even being TBM missionary I thought how awful. What a thing to say. We were not allowed to visit, but we did see her around and enjoyed shooting the breeze with her.

The only weapon they have against apostates is shunning. They get to prove their superiority and loyalty to their church by turning their backs on those who leave. Just as important, they think shunning might teach apostates a lesson and force them back to the fold. They think it's a win-win-win to shun because the lost sheep might be blessed by returning, the church might get stronger with more tithes, the shunning TBMs can gain sympathy and adoration for sacrificing friends and family.

I spent some time in the JW Watchtower Society. Shunning for them is doctrinal. Because my (ex-JW) GF and I were living together, they were FORCED by their society to shun us. Actually, they called it their "Christian Conscience," (which happened to coincide with what the Society told them to do). According to her parents we were ruining their lives because they couldn't be a part of our lives anymore. It was quite the quandary for them. Obedience to the society, or losing their child.

While I agree there is the punishment aspects to Ex-ing/DF-ing, I've seen it as a way to sequester the 'bad examples' away from the social group. It's insecurity on their part. The organizations can't have people in it that find 'sinning' or inappropriate lifestyles or liberal doctrines acceptable. Cave mentality.