I am expecting my first (and only) child in December.

I am an exmo from a VERY TBM family married to a nevermo. I officially resigned from the church in 2009, and have never told my parents. I don't figure that its any of their business. Three of my grandparents are still living, and to tell them that I've left the church would hurt them very deeply, so I haven't said anything. I live 800+ miles from my family, and I only visit once every other year or so, and I make sure I am never there on a Sunday, so I haven't had to attend church since moving away at age 18.

I have a reasonable relationship with my parents. We talk weekly. They want to be involved with their new grandchild, and for the most part I am okay with that. However, I haven't addressed the issue of the church with them yet, and I can't decide if I should take preventative measures and talk to them up front, or wait until the issue comes up on its own.

I WILL NOT have my child exposed to the church. Not ever. I never want my child to attend nursery or primary. I never want him or her to suffer through 3 hour meetings in uncomfortable dress clothes. I never want him or her told the lies I was told as a child about getting "blessings" from some imaginary being in the sky, but only if you give 10% of your money to a corporation and live your life exactly right all the way down to your underwear. I also won't have my child believing in Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy, because I believe it sets them up to believe in other myths, such as "Joseph Smith saw God and Jesus in the Sacred Grove" and "the mormon church is the one true church" Given that the United States is a primarily Christian nation, I don't have a problem with my child knowing Bible stories or stories of Jesus, while understanding that they are just stories, no more real than fairy tales. I think imagination is a beautiful thing and should be encouraged, but knowing the difference between what is pretend and what is real is important.

DH and I are not active in any religion. His mother is a non-practicing Catholic, and his father is a Lutheran preacher, but we've never gotten any pressure from them to attend church, and I don't think that will change (if it does, I feel like I can discuss my beliefs openly with them) We attend a Christmas Eve service with them once a year, and I am okay with continuing that tradition.

So what is the best way for handling this with my parents? Any advice or success stories? Having been raised in the church and knowing how pushy TBMs are about their "eternal families" I know this issue won't just die on its own.

I'd have to guess they have an inkling; you weren't married in the temple. When they ask about blessing the peanut, just tell them you aren't going to. They will probably be upset, but I doubt they'll be surprised.

If you aren't going to expose baby to TSCC, this revelation is going to happen sooner or later.

So what is your plan when all of your TBM family announces that they will be coming to, and participating in, your baby's blessing?

They might try to convince you to "at least" have the baby blessed. Don't do it. Your child's name will be on the church's records for time and all eternity!

Rip the bandage off, get the whole mess over with before you end up spending the rest of your parent's lives dodging, making excuses, withholding information. I spent about ten years hiding my disbelief and inactivity from my parents. I wish I had those years back. Telling the truth will hurt your parents? Well boo-hoo. They're adults. They're responsible for their own feelings.

Just tell them your husband does not want to or forbids it.

They'll understand a wife being "obedient" to her husband LOL

Problem solved.

Totally disagree. It's not fair to throw her husband under the bus like that.

I disagree with your disagreement.

Since the husband is not a member and not a likely project for becoming one, he is undoubtedly already "under the bus".

The Op seems hesitant to upset the apple cart, so this as good a solution as any.

Of course, I do no claim to be infallible.
So there might be additional and/or better ways to handle this.

I NEVER blamed my neverMo spouse but my family has this idea that if he were gone I would be in the fold. Ha! He is much more positive about Mormonism than I am and fully willing to go to church. (Not join, but attend any and all functions.)

Nothing is ever said, but it really bothers him and I think it hinders him building much of a relationship with any of them.

I would recommend being honest about your own disbelief and not blaming your spouse. Also - I don't really mind occasional participation and had informal at-home blessings for my kids. Exposure to LDS services and behavior firmly convinced my kids to avoid it like the plague. That, plus some info on the history, are enough to ensure they are conversion proof. Any unsuspecting relatives who approach them (in 20 years they seldom have) will learn some interesting things about Joseph Smith's wives and the improbability of a loving god helping to find their car keys while allowing child soldiers in Aftica to suffer rape and violence.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/03/2014 02:02PM by vh65.

Best to tell them now and not wait. If they do not know that you have left the church, won't they sic the mishies on you now that baby is coming? Nip this in the bud. Be the one to open the discussion about it. And tell them there is no changing of your mind and this discussion is closed.

Do they even like your husband being that he is non Mormon. They should be happy you just didn't go Catholic or protestant on them. Hope you live where there are not many mormons.

I was so worried about this when I left about 10 years ago.
You're far enough away it won't be too hard. I purposefully lived far from family and utah to avoid church influence. Luckily my family was so busy with church stuff they didn't bother me. A month ago my daughter was horrified when she learned I took her to a Mormon church (she was sealed to us). Her negative reaction upon learning she attended a mormon church was one of my proudest moments as a parent ;). The only thing she knew about Mormons was learnedfrom the movie GBFF (gay best friends forever). The Mormons were portrayed as discriminatory against gays.

If your parents come out directly and ask you can answer honestly. The funny thing is my family rarely asks. It's been 10 years. When they were here last month my sister asked my 14 year old, "do you go to church?" My daughter replied, "I'm an atheist. I just don't see how there could be a god up in the sky". My sister actually choked then replied, "you should go to church". Of course she asked my daughter when I was not around. Hence, the reason I purposefully lived far away! Geez!!

If, or when they ask about a baby blessing you could answer, "We are going to have a welcoming party, invitations should be going out soon".

If you talk to them weekly but never about a calling or church stuff then they probably have an idea. Show them the CES letter.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/02/2014 12:49PM by allpau.

I hope my daughter grows up to be like yours! It would make me so happy to hear her tell my toxic inlaws that there is no such thing as a man in the sky.

When you talk about colors for the nursery or buying a crib, also mention how you plan to raise your child and talk about what you will or won't do about religion.

Santa and gnomes? They're not beings anyone expects kids to pray to forever. No one punishes kids who laugh them off. They're fun pretend friends and children grow out of believing in them by about age seven or so.

Joe Smith and Jesus? Parents beat kids or become enraged if kids don't show them respect and if they won't continue to worship them for a life time.

Bottom line? Pretend experiences help kids know the difference between imagination and reality. They need experiences with both to understand what is real and what isn't. They're not ready for this until their nervous systems, language skills, and lifetime experience makes them ready.

Parents who don't like Santa and the tooth fairy can allow kids other imaginary and creative outlets. Nothing wrong with that.

I think the bandaid approach is the best but wait until they bring it up and then be casual like it is no big deal.
"when is the baby blessing."
"we are not haveing one, but the welcome party is on the 15th."

I suspect they already know. When you resigned it is possible that you name was removed from the tithing slip they recieve at the tithing settlement meeting. I suspect they noticed you didn't get married in the temple. I also suspect they noticed that you don't talk about callings, RS, conference, etc. They just don't want to admit it so they are saying nothing.

You can continue in this way and say nothing about the mormon church. However you run the risk that because it is so ingrained in their life that they will talk about it, give gifts that are mormon oriented, want to take child to fun primary activity while you visit.

I chose a different approach. I specifically told my parents that I love them and that I recognize their right to belief in their religion but that I do not share that belief. I then told them that we will not be raising children in their belief and that we do not want them to be taught the mormon faith. I reassured them that there will be lots of grandparent bonding opportunities, zoo trips, picnics, etc but we are asking family not to give religious gifts and we told them that children will not be going to any church activities, including things like primary activites, scout spagghetti feeds, ward potlucks.
It was hard for them to hear and I am sure that they had hurt feelings but now daughter is 9. There was no talk by them of baptism. No invites to church activities, no religious gifts, and no push back. It took time, years even, but my parents understood that I wouldn't budge and I was willing to stand my ground.

One kind of funny story that explains how well being very clear worked.
We were at a family reunion where almost everyone was TBM. We were about to start the BBQ, which DH and I were doing most of the cooking for, so we were a little distracted, and they started to pray. We had hotdogs on the grill so we did not stop cooking and just continued to make sure nothing burned. My DD was 5 and she was hanging out with some other young kids. Many of them did not notice the prayer had started and were still talking. Within seconds, these well trained little TBMs noticed the prayer and started folding arms and bowing heads. DD looked around and in a normal voice, which sounded very loud during the prayer asked "What is everyone doing." My mother was the closest adult to the kids and she immediately grabbed my daughter and was about to chastize her about reverance when she saw who it was and instead took a deep breath, put a calm nice smile on her face and very nicely whispered we are having a prayer.
My daughter was actually very embaressed because she knows that when people are doing things like this the polite thing to do is to stand quietly and respectfully until they are done. She knows that she doesn't have to close her eyes, bow her head etc but she does know that she needs to be polite.
The best part is that my mother quietly came to me a little after the prayer and apologized and said she didn't see it was my daughter and when she did she changed her actions and that she will be more careful. I thanked her and told her I appreciated her thoughtfulness, that I had seen what happened and I that I was not upset with her.
Be upfront becuase after the initial shock and reaction you have the potential of having a respectful relationship.

Thanks all for the ideas. I'm going to rip the bandage off before the baby is born. I'm hoping sometime in the next few months the topic comes up on its own, but if not, I will bring it up myself.

To answer a few questions:
*My parents tolerate my husband now, but they tried to talk me out of marrying him up until the morning of our ceremony. My mother and one cousin attended, my father did not. We were married in my in-laws living room by a local preacher, so they are well aware that I was not temple married =) My husband has held the same job for 16 years, had a nice (not large, but nice) house before we were married, served honorably in the military for 5 years, doesn't drink to excess, doesn't smoke, doesn't abuse me, lives within his means....even though my parents would like to dislike him for being a nevermo, they have no reason to. We aren't rich by any means, but both of our vehicles are paid for, our only debt is our mortgage, and we have made some good investments over the years and live comfortably without much financial stress. I know this drives my parents nuts because when you go inactive your life is supposed to go to hell, and mine has only gotten better.

*I am sure my parents know I am inactive, but my resignation would cause great distress for my mother. She speaks very harshly about the people she's known who have resigned. If I'm only inactive, there's a chance I might see the light and go back. If I have officially resigned, I am an evil apostate. My dad was ward clerk for a couple years, and I am sure the year I resigned he noticed I'm not listed as a family member anymore. He's never mentioned it and I don't bring it up. I think once my mom dies he will leave the church, but that's a post for another time.

*I don't worry about my family sending the missionaries after me. I live in a small town outside of Utah. The missionaries came to my door shortly after I was married, and I told them that I had officially resigned from the church and had no interest in returning, however, if they ever wanted to just visit, or if they wanted to use my phone or my internet, they were more than welcome to stop by. A few have taken advantage of this over the years. Some like to help me with a project (landscaping, painting, ripping out carpet, stacking hay, washing the vehicles, etc) Others just want a good home cooked meal--I love to cook, and I am always happy to feed them. I keep hot chocolate for cold winter days when they show up at my door. Not one has ever brought up a church topic with me, and if they ever do, I will be honest with them about why I left, and hopefully plant the seeds that will help them leave themselves.

*I don't know what I will do on the issue of the baby blessing. I would like to have some sort of ceremony welcoming the baby into the world, but I don't want it anything like a mormon baby blessing, and I certainly don't want a bunch of priesthood holders doing it. I feel like it should be me or my husband doing the ceremony, since we are the creators. I don't have the slightest idea how that will work out.

I still have a long way to go, but thanks to those who have given me hope that I can still have a respectful relationship with my parents, even as an exmo.

Perhaps you can write a letter? Or organize your thoughts on paper before you go into any conversation.

Tell them plainly that you desire a respectful relationship, and that you want your child to have grandparents in their life.

But ask them to forgive you as you just need to set up a few boundaries concerning religion.

For us we had to do the same and explained our direct desires that our kids are not to be influenced by Mormonism. We have had to repeat ourselves a little bit, until the extended family "got it". No gifts or talks or re-activation, etc. And no family home evenings or church talk at family events, too. If something comes up, we still use the same line "forgive us, as we just need to set up a few boundaries that you may not be used too." They may do the same about coffee, etc. in their home. But that's no big deal. We don't stay with them on visits anyway, etc.

One Christmas we received 17 miracles (a mo. handcart movie) and I emailed after the holidays explaining that I threw it away, and please don't stuff like that again. Or else, I would have to open the kids presents before putting them under the tree, etc. I asked that they "please don't be offended by this email, because we are setting new boundaries for our family, and that this was a remainder of former requests". It was a non-issue, surprisingly, just had to put them back in their place.


Yes, those still deeply invested in the church may be hurt, or conversations may be awkward for a little while after nipping things in the bud, parse. But you have so many advantages, because your lifestyle is already separated from the church. Just tell anyone who is hurt or upset, to please deal with it honestly (ask them to write you, if you or they don't want to talk it out) But always have baby in mind, and explain, that your #1 priority, is to ensure that baby's entrance and life is celebrated in a happy manner. That your concern is for the happiness for you, your dh and child.

Thanks, anony, for the letter idea. That might work out quite well. I seem to have developed a *hopefully* temporary memory lapse, so putting everything down on paper first might work out most successfully for me.

Sounds like you have established a successful, respectful relationship with your TBM relatives. I hope it works out as well for me!

When we were courting my wife and I discussed what religious path to take should we ever have children. After our first child arrived we were getting pressure from my mother in law to have the baby christened in the Catholic Church and from my Mom to bless her at F&T meeting. We resisted both demands and neither of our kids were blessed in either church. My dear Dad, a HC member at the time said nothing about it.

Ron Burr



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/03/2014 08:16PM by Lethbridge Reprobate.

You are an adult now.....tell the truth. You are not in charge of their feelings, they are. Just come clean.

This is more evidence that it's a cult. You have to figure out a way to tell your parents how you will raise your child.

I would let it come up in the course of natural conversation. You might get some blowback from your husband's side of the family about not baptizing your infant. Many mainstream Christians can be very easygoing about everything except baptism. For some reason that brings out a primitive fear that something will happen to the baby if water is not officially sprinkled over his or her head.

I think this is a common problem--even outside the church--whenever the next generation decides to raise their children differently when they were raised. I don't know if that in and of itself screams "cult" (although I believe that it is one)

I think the bigger problem with my in-laws isn't going to be that the baby won't be baptized into any church, but that I'm going to raise the child to be a vegetarian (at least until he or she is old enough to choose what they want to eat) This doesn't tend to go over well with Montana cattle ranchers =) Another issue will be hunting, but at least I have 12 years until I have to face that one!

Like training horses, I want to give my parents the opportunity to succeed before I punish them for something they may or may not do. They might surprise me and go along with all of my requests so that they can continue to have their grandchild in their lives. However, if they don't, and I feel that the church is being pushed upon myself or my child, I will cut off all contact. My parents were not bad parents, despite being TBM and raising me in the cult. I got off easy compared to a lot of people on this board. My close relationship with my own grandparents was the highlight of my childhood, and I want my child to have the same opportunity to learn from older generations that I had.

Since they haven't done the usual things that TBMs do, like ask you how church is going, or about your callings and such, they may not even mention it.

They may wait for you to mention a blessing. If they ask, as darkprincess said, just casually mention, "Oh, we're not having one," and continue on.

They don't sound like your usual pushy TBMs. Why upset everyone if it turns out not to even be necessary?

My parents aren't TBMs, but your parents sound more like mine. "Oh, I didn't want to be pushy," or, "It's none of my business," or, "If they wanted to talk about it, they would."

If that's the case, then that's good. You're in luck.