Bishop Rood Conducts A Funeral

“It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I stand before all of you today to...” Bishop Rood checked his notes, “mourn the passing of Brother Winston Feeler..Fillo...Fullerbottom? Is that right?”

He glanced down at the widow who nodded her head in pain. She really wasn't much to look at, but she must have been quite the MILF in her younger days. To bad, Bishop Rood thought silently to himself.

“Yes, Mr. Winston Fullerbottom, who lasted graced the Middlefinger 2nd Ward about 20 years ago, before going inactive and was too lazy to send in a letter to cancel his membership. And now I have been asked, I suppose because it is free to use the building, and cuts down on costs, to waste my Saturday trying to eulogize someone who never paid a dime of tithing.”

Bishop Rood heard his 2nd counselor clear his throat.

“Ah yes. Brother Fullerbottom. I hardly knew thee.” Bishop Rood sad trying to pull up as much sadness as he could muster. “The program will go as follows. First we will have a musical number sung by Brother Fullerbottoms grandchildren, followed by a talk by Brother Michael J. Hubberton, his hometeacher for the last 20 years.

The song was okay, but Bishop Rood as he sat there was finding it hard to stay awake and his counselor nudged him as his snoring started to escape his mouth.

Then Brother Hubberton got up.

“For the last 20 years, I have tried to be the vigilant hometeacher to Brother Fullerbottom. I remember the first time that I went by and he told me not to come around again, that it was just a test of the Lord. Then the next time, he sicked his dogs on me. I still have the scar in my right leg from when the Dobberman bit down on me. It took me years to heal, and I still have a limp. But with the grace of God and through much prayer, I knew that I would be able to get Brother Fullerbottom back to church, and here he is now, in church before us all. This is a testimony to me that intense prayer does work miracles. Even though the experiences that I had with Brother Fullerbottom were mostly negative, and my time in jail that I spent for trespassing cannot be returned to me, I know that in the end I was able to accomplish my mission by getting him here where he belonged one last time. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

“Thank you brother Hubberton. We will now have a solo by Sister Flem singing “Til We Meet Again, followed by a few words by Melissa Fullerbottom Montgomery, his daughter.”

The solo was so-so, but Sister Flem didn't look to bad from behind, though from the front her face was something to scream about. She was a good singer, amateurish, but okay.

Then Sister Montgomery got up.

“What can I say about dad? He was a great man. He used to take us out to the lake and we would go swimming, and sometimes we would go fishing. He used to love bringing us kids home little gifts and I can remember specifically one time when he came home and we decided to play a game of football...”

“Ahem...” Bishop Rood cleared his throat.
“Then there was the time that James my brother accidentally broke his leg and dad had to rush him to the hospital. He was so frantic. Dad, you were always there for us. You were a...”

“AHEM!!!” Bishop Rood said even louder.

“What?” Sister Montgomery turned around.

“I told you specifically to talk about how we should teach the gospel to our non-member and inactive friends! What is ALL THIS STUFF ABOUT YOUR FATHER YOU KEEP GOING ON ABOUT!!!”

“WHAT!? But this is HIS funeral!!!” Mrs. Montgomery protested.

“LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. Most of the people here are inactive, and may only come once a year. When else am I going to have an opportunity to guilt them into coming to church and repenting if you keep talking about the corpse in front of us?”

“WHY YOU EVIL MAN!!!” Mrs. Montgomery screamed.

“Look you are saving tons of money by having the funeral and viewing here in OUR chapel. YOU OWE US!!! You either talk on the subject I gave you, or you can leave!!!!” Bishop Rood huffed.

“FINE!!!” Mrs. Montgomery said, “Repent and worship God or go to HELL!!!”

“That's better.” Bishop Rood said sitting back down.

“Now getting back to my Father, let me tell you about the time he accidentally got photos of Bishop Rood here doing it with the neighbor...”

“Cut the mike! Cut the %$$#& MIKE!!!” Bishop Rood waived his hands frantically motioning to his counselor to turn it off.

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A great,and hilarious bedtime story for me. Thanks for sharing,and good night!

Thanks for the giggles, Primus. Keep 'em coming.

Bishop Rood makes me think of the poster named Elder Berry.

I haven't seen him around here recently (since the board crash). Has he changed his nick or have I just not been paying attention or what?

Anyone know anything?

Thanks

I wish that you would pull together all your Bishop Rood posts and put them into a book. I would buy it.

Hilarious!! Like!

Good Stuff!

He is the antithesis of everything we would have wanted in a bishop! And yet...there is something compelling about his character. We have all observed and/or experienced this type within the Mormon hierarchy.

"Middlefinger 2nd ward" --too funny!

I agree with Skander: Keep these stories for a possible future book, Primus!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/17/2010 10:59PM by WiserWomanNow.

If you not gonna do a regular book-type book, may I suggest- actually it's my mom but she's at work so I'm passin on the message and all that- that you do a e-book? Or post them on a blog?