At the end of an artfully concealed passageway within the F (First Presidency’s) Vault at Granite Mountain can be found a hidden trap door leading to a secret sub-basement. Using my special set of skills, I had navigated my way into this forgotten room. I passed by the Liahona, the Sword of Laban, what looked like a Jaredite-barge shining stone thingy, and the head of Shiz in a jar; these trifles were not the reason for my dangerous and clandestine visit. I found myself sweating and mopped my face with the nearby Title of Liberty.

In the far corner of the sub-basement, I spotted an opening in the floor. Creeping over for a closer look, I beheld a spiral staircase winding endlessly down into the abyssal blackness. Eldritch symbols and unsettling images were engraven upon its cold steps, but I knew that I must descend, for the mysterious Fat Man had insisted there was no other way. My flashlight flickered and I hoped that I had inserted alkaline batteries instead of the cheap regular ones.

At length I arrived at the nethermost alcove below the mountain. And there! next to the casks of Amontillado I spied the prize and object of my search: a small locked wooden box. But not just any box, for it contained a priceless artifact. I promptly seized the box and got the hell out of there.

Returning to my room at the Crystal Inn Hotel in Murray, I brought out the key which had proven so difficult to procure. If you can recall that one "Pirates" scene with Will Turner and a sleeping Davy Jones at the organ, you get the idea. But that tale I dare not relate in full. Suffice it to say that the telling would cause men to weep and women to giggle.

My hand trembled as the key turned and the lock clicked open. I slowly raised the lid and at last gazed with wonder on that for which I had risked all. With my heart pounding, I removed it, and so I now hold… the Flash Drive of the Prophets.

The Flash Drive of the Prophets! Naught but rumors and whispers can be heard about it from the wizened merchants who lurk in the dark recesses of City Creek Center. To think that I am now in possession of it is almost more than I can bear. But I must make haste, and share what I can of the supernal treasures stored on it. And so I present to you, dear readers, Part One of the Tweets of Wilford Woodruff.

@Big_Ol_Woody
Getting dunked a mormon in a few. Gonna be an #IceBath, f**king freezing!!!
10:48 AM – 31 Dec 1833

@Big_Ol_Woody
@ParleyPPratt says I have 2 go 2 some podunk place called Kirtland. Pratt’s a horse’s @$$ control freak. Why do I have this urge 2 run?
3:41 PM – 1 Apr 1834

@Big_Ol_Woody
Meeting the big guy @JosephSmithJr now. Hairy dude. Whats up w/ all the girls & can I get some?
11:22 AM – 25 Apr 1834

@Big_Ol_Woody
Showed JS a leg bone & arrowhead. He’s #OffHisMeds, starts on about a white Indian named Zelph. Great prophet Onandagus, I call bulls**t.
1:14 PM – 3 Jun 1834

@Big_Ol_Woody
Mission, WTF?!? No one told me that! #BaitAndSwitch
10:58 AM – 11 Nov 1834

@Big_Ol_Woody
Movin on up, in the 1Q70 now. Gonna get small folks 2 #PaintMyHouse 4 me. ROFL!
12:39 PM – 3 Jan 1837

@Big_Ol_Woody
Got me some action at last ABOUT TIME! Phoebe’s 30 like me not a babe but I’ll take it. JS promised me a bunch more later haha.
8:03 AM – 14 Apr 1837

@Big_Ol_Woody
Another mission?! Finally getting laid & have 2 leave again, whats wrong w/ u ppl?
11:40 AM – 9 May 1837

@Big_Ol_Woody
Made APOSTLE 2day! JACKPOT!! I’m famous, u must all BOW DOWN BE4 ME!
3:11 PM – 26 Apr 1839

@Big_Ol_Woody
Another f**king mission. England this time. F**k.
8:46 AM – 8 Aug 1839

@Big_Ol_Woody
Dunked 600 chumps past 6 wks. @JohnTaylor had the idea, calls it #CricketBaptisms. Seems 2 work.
11:17 PM – 10 Apr 1840

@Big_Ol_Woody
Seeing Phoebe soon, YES! Horny as all s**t, have 2 make up 4 lost time.
9:43 AM – 2 Jun 1841

@Big_Ol_Woody
JS showed me the "Urem&Thumem" (sp?) 2day. Just a f**king rock but had 2 make a HUGE deal like OMG! OMG, faint! LOL!! Rube.
7:09 PM – 27 Dec 1841

@Big_Ol_Woody
Goofy s**t around here starting 2 get 2 me. Seeing stream of light in sky shaped like sword. Must be going crazy.
8:21 PM – 10 Mar 1843

@Big_Ol_Woody
Oh my head. F**king sky sword changed in2 a ring w/ balls of light inside. JS says sky sword means big war coming. #NauvooMadHouse
9:12 PM – 14 Mar 1843

@Big_Ol_Woody
BIG DAY 2DAY GETTIN MY SECOND ANOINTING ON!!! #GoldenTicket #IGotMine
10:02 AM – 28 Jan 1844

@Big_Ol_Woody
Moved in2 new house yesterday. Got it "broken in" last nite w/ Phoebe heh. Life = good.
8:31 AM – 5 Mar 1844

@Big_Ol_Woody
Another mission ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME??? Want 2 kick JS in the nutz. #LoserTyrant
4:04 PM – 6 May 1844

@Big_Ol_Woody
OHHH S**T reading in Boston paper JS shot, killed. Bet that SOB Young is gonna try 2 take over. Not good. Need 2 get drunk fast.
3:50 PM – 9 Jul 1844

@Big_Ol_Woody
Its over. #TheBrigham is prez now. Every1 else kissed butt so couldn’t say anything. Have 2 play nice. F**k we’re doomed.
2:57 PM – 8 Aug 1844

@Big_Ol_Woody
Another mission 2 #Europe but it’s OK this time b/c I’m MP now & can order every1 around. #HastenTheWork serfs!!
12:25 PM – 12 Aug 1844

@Big_Ol_Woody
Back in Nauvoo again WhereTF is every1? Half the town gone. Oh well got 2 run home I have DEEP blue balls LOL!
3:33 PM – 13 Apr 1846

@Big_Ol_Woody
Some army jerkwad wants volunteers 4 #MexicanWar. F**k that. Where were u earlier? Passed buck up 2 #TheBrigham.
11:20 AM – 26 Jun 1846

@Big_Ol_Woody
Marrying 3 chix 2day have #HaremOf4 SWEEEET!! Mary A’s 28 Mary C’s 17 Sarah’s 18 & I can hardly wait! Phoebe not happy TFB.
8:44 AM – 2 Aug 1846

@Big_Ol_Woody
Teenage wives a pain, want guys their own age. Can’t figure it out. BE GONE YE HARLOTS! Just the 2 wifeys 4 now.
10:55 AM – 29 Aug 1846

@Big_Ol_Woody
OW F**K A TREE JUST FELL ON ME F**K GODDAM S**T THAT HURTS OW OW
2:27 PM – 15 Oct 1846

@Big_Ol_Woody
Both wives preg, always complaining about something SHUT IT! Leaving em 2 each other 4 female bonding. ROAD TRIP YEAH!!
4:06 PM – 5 Apr 1847

@Big_Ol_Woody
This place is a dump, total #ForsakenWasteland. Deseret my @$$. BY = idiot.
9:56 AM – 24 Jul 1847

@Big_Ol_Woody
Climbing a mountain 2day. Full suit tie & vest. F**k I’m hot tired & #NeedABath. It’s never enough is it BY? Never f**king enough. Ever.
12:34 PM – 26 Jul 1847


I have been discovered. My actions here have alerted the Strengthening Church Members Committee. Even as I write I can hear Danite footsteps echoing in the hall. I must escape. Brethren, hasta mañana.

Good stuff.

Thanks for the entertainment!