So in a week I will be going on vacation with my TBM parents. They invited me to come along and spend some time with them. It actually sounds like a really fun vacation because we are going to places that I have never been before and my father will be paying for the hotel suite and the food. So it will be a really cheap vacation. I will of course offer to help out with the cost but knowing my parents they won't let me.

The deal is I am 28 years old and I stopped going to church about 4 months ago. My parents know this and it has upset them a great deal. There will be a Sunday while we are on vacation and my parents will want to go to church. I am just thinking of not bringing any church clothes and sitting outside in the parking lot and read a book or I will wait for them until they get back to the hotel room. I really don't want to go into church and hear that crap again plus I kind of want to make a statement that just because I am with them doesn't mean I will be going to church.

Are there any thoughts or comments on what I should do? Thanks.

You know your parents. I don't. If it were me and my parents, I'd talk to them before hand.

"Hey mom and dad, I'm really looking forward to spending time with you on vacation. Before we go though, I just wanted it out there that I won't be comfortable going to church while we're gone."

Planning to not bring church clothes ahead of time is a wee bit passive-aggressive. How do you think your parents would react to it?

To church I mean. Just come completely clean and tell your folks you don't believe and your not going.

I'm 27 and live on my own as well I quit going to church years ago and I don't make any excuses about it. Your a full grown man and capable of making adult decisions. There's no sense in trying to pretend to be something your not.

Good luck and enjoy your vacation. Don't let anyone ruin it for you.

This reminds me of when my mom came out to visit me this past summer. She made some remark after looking in the local paper that there was a LDS branch in town. I've never seen the church or any missionaries, so I wouldn't know where it is. Also, I've only lived here since February and apparently it's off the beaten path, I think her remark was to try and put a little thought in my head and maybe make me feel guilty about being exmo. So I just said, "So what do you want me to do, drop you off on Sunday?". Her answer was "No". Basically I stated that I wasn't going to stop her from going, but there was no way I would set foot in that church.

I have had situations like that but not with parents but TBM siblings. They invited me to stay with them (they lived in a warm place), paid airfare etc (had lots of airmiles) and when I got there, I laid in the Sun on Sunday instead of going to church. They weren't particularly thrilled but on the other hand, my sibling's spouse has two sibs who don't go to church either, so he was used to it. My sib was not.

She didn't say anything, so I figured it was ok. But anyway, Ifigured out a few years later, I didn't really want to go on vacation with or visit her and her family because of "the church factor" Some people/families are cool with someone not participating in church; others are uncomfortable and it is plain awkward.

I guess you could try it and figure out after if you'd want to do it again or not?

than to sit in the parking lot.

Is there something in the area you want to see that your parents wouldn't care for? If so, you could say you want to go there while they're busy at church. But it would probably be best if it wasn't something they'd consider to conflict with keeping the Sabbath holy.

Two choices...don't ever do anything you are uncomfortable with so you could just say no and wait in the room.

Or to please your parents for the fact they are taking you on this trip, just sit in the meeting and read a book in there as you sit in total boredom. That way you are present but not really involved. They need to learn that you are an adult who can make your own choices and you are certain you don't want to participate. Explain you will sit there but only FOR THEM. Not for the "church".

You realize, don't you, that you will be their captive for the duration of the vacation.
Why do you think they really invited you along?

You said they got upset about your unbelief. Being around upset fanatics 24/7 could get extremely uncomfortable for you.

If you still decide to go with them, make sure you have enough money to check into another hotel if the need arises.
You will also need enough money for cabfare and possibly a new plane ticket home .
Also, keep your passport on your own person at all times.

I'm from a Jack Mormon family, so it seems weird and excessive to me. I'd just act surprised and be all, "What? Why would I go to church on vacation? I didn't bring clothes for that. But of course you can go ... have fun!"

Yeah they will want to go to church for sure. We were in Hawaii the other year and we still went to church for sacrament meeting.

I might be in their capitive but I really hope they don't have some other motivation for inviting me along. I hope it is because they just want to spend time with their son. I do have enough money to get the freak out of there if I want so it is not really an issue.

OK- You're 28. Be a man & discuss the issue before you take their expense paid vacation. Don't compromise your true feelings for a free trip.You're their ADULT offspring, not their malleable 16 year old (I hope). Get the issues settled BEFORE you are both in an uncomfortable vacation.

Rambo, a miserable time will be had by all... UNLESS you state clear boundaries AND both of your parents agree to honor them. If they cannot agree, don't go!

Possible boundaries for this vacation:

1) You will not set foot in a Mormon church or temple.
2) You will not talk with Mormon missionaries or leaders.
3) There will be no conversations about Mormonism.

Even if they agree: Have money, credit card, or whatever you might need to get yourself home early if they break their side of the agreement.

Good luck. Keep us posted!

Edit: *THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO APPEAR AFTER RAMBO'S POST BELOW.*

Had they said,"Rambo, we want to corner you and force you to listen to us while we cram our LDS beliefs down your throat," would you have responded, "Sure, I'll join you guys on vacation"?

Anyway, since they left ahead of you, that changes the situation. So this is my thinking now. If/when they start in on you and your church non-beliefs, say, "My understanding was that this was to be a vacation, a time for us to enjoy being together as a family. I did not agree to be drilled about my current religious beliefs, and I'm not willing to discuss them."



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/24/2010 12:52PM by WiserWomanNow.

Ok sounds like a good plan. Thanks :)

They have already left a week early for the trip. Do you think I should send them an email beforehand telling them I won't be going to church?

They haven't even brought it up so I am not sure it would be their intentions to re-convert me.

Go and have a good time.

If you discover that they simply cannot stay off the topic of your choice in not accepting the belief system they chose for you as child and it gets unpleasant, you will know that if there is a "next time" that you will have to handle the offer differently.

As many on the board say "We teach others how to treat us".

Age 28 is still relatively young, especially for someone brought up in a rigid belief system. It could take years for your parents to accept that you are never returning to their way of thinking and that nothing they do to try to change that is going to work.

This will take tremendous patience on your part. Be patient, the way a grownup is in training a small child.

Keep repeating "Remember mom and dad, per my request, we no longer discuss that"- if you want to have a good relationship with them down the road.

Go on the vacation, maintain a happy positive demeanor and make it clear that you are "bored silly" by religion and will be doing something else with your time while they spend time at their place of worship.

I suggest that you find a park and go for a walk or explore the area you are visiting on foot...do not wait in the parking lot in the car-that looks like you are brooding...and walking helps clears the brain of negative thoughts.

Go and enjoy your vacation. Do something else or just relax while they go to church. When they ask why you no longer attend, keep the explanation simple: it's no longer for you; it no longer interests you. You're glad that it works for them, but it doesn't for you. Refuse to debate church doctrine. If they keep asking, keep shutting them down: "Sorry, but that's my decision. I'm not going to discuss this any further." Become a broken record if need be.

Parents will get upset about various decisions that their adult children make. If it's not religion, then it's getting a tattoo or body piercing, or a choice of career or mate. They'll adjust in time.

rambo said, "They have already left a week early for the trip. Do you think I should send them an email beforehand telling them I won't be going to church?

They haven't even brought it up so I am not sure it would be their intentions to re-convert me."

No. Just go on your vacation. Do not bring it up.

Whatever you do, find something else to do on Sunday. If your parents go to church, or start talking about it, then you address it. "Oh, I'm going to XYZ museum while you guys are in church. Why don't you text me when you get out and we'll all go to brunch together?"

I am assuming that your family will still eat out on Sunday while on vacation. Vacay was the only time my dad relaxed that rule because it's often too difficult to carry a cooler with you on vacation so you don't have to eat out on Sunday.

______________________

Many years ago, I was visiting my TBM parents over a weekend and was sort of sweating out the whole "will they make me go to church" issue. It turned out to be a nonissue altogether.

I woke up on Sunday morning to an empty house. On the kitchen counter was a jar of instant coffee. To me, it was pure crap, but I thought it was really nice and kind and thoughtful of my stepmom to leave me some coffee in SOME form. Next to the coffee was my pack of cigarettes. Under my smokes (my dad knew I'd get up and have coffee and a smoke or three, first thing) was a note from my dad, "Gone to SM. Home by 11. Will take you to airport after."

I smiled, made my crappy coffee and went out on my dad's back porch to smoke and enjoy the morning. I ate a bowl of fresh blackberries from the bushes in their yard and had snacks ready for them when they got home from church. It was never discussed and clearly, they had no expectation that I would go to church. (I had taken a skirt and could have pulled together an outfit that would have been mostly church-appropriate, but it didn't even come up.)

I didn't pack church clothes. It was very hot when we were there! When my brother & his wife wanted me to go to the mormon church, I told them that I would rather go to the local Christian church within walking distance of the hotel. (I found it ahead of time, online)

In a lot of ways, my exit was easier because I'm still Christian. When mormons accuse me of "not believing" or "not having a testimony," I tell them that I DO BELIEVE in God--always have--and I'm choosing to follow Christ as a Christian. This softens the blow, but more important, it gives me POWER! I have aligned myself with a much larger group.

By accident, I ended up making a good point in Hawaii. I was able to wear a cool, short dress and flip-flops--and no pantie hose to church. I would not have been welcome in a Mormon church, anyway, dressed like that.

I don't know where you are going on your vacation, but attending that local church was an interesting experience. The people were very friendly during coffee-time, and they told me about a great little local restaurant, which we would have missed.

When the children and I left Mormonism, we concentrated on the positive aspects of the world around us.

For example, I like the suggestion for you to tell your parents that there is something else you are dying to do on Sunday. You can still make it clear that you will not be going to church, but put the emphasis on the positives, and let them know you appreciate being on the vacation. Depending on your interests, you could visit the marina and examine the boats, or go window shopping, or to the bookstore, the farmer's market, the reptile exhibit--plan this ahead.

Your parents are treating you to this vacation so I think it is also ok to choose to go. You won't regain the spirit, if anything return and report - going back to sacrament mtg as an exmo is really quite an experience. Make sure your parents understand you are going because you will enjoy time with them, coming and going, but you expect to feel the same deep disappointment you experienced your last few months as a mormon. You don't believe, things will be said that are not true, you won't be glossing over it, it is not entertaining or edifying. Think of all the embarrassment you felt when a nonmember friend came to church with you and then started asking questions. I think your parents will be hoping for a faith building experience for you in sacrament mtg; what they will get is the same old dribble. You are not there to make a point, you came to spend time with them, just like you might accompany your parents to a dentist appointment so you could have some conversation and lunch with them afterwards.

You can politely tell them you are not attending, or be off doing something else when they go to church.

I suspect they are praying and fasting that you will "feel the spirit" and want to come back to church so they won't have an eternal family with some members missing.

It's too much living for the after life and not enough living for NOW, in my view, but you'll know how to handle it.

Let us know how this goes.

My soon to be ex and I went with TBM (and I do mean TBM) friends to Hawaii a couple years ago. Attending church while there ‘was’ part of their vacation. They attended the temple one afternoon and I enjoyed the beach and Goat Island that day. It checked their ‘box’ so to speak. We attended sacrament in Waikiki and then continued the vacation that same day. Very few folks attended. Mostly vacationing mormons. Hugh chapel. Church is growing, I thought?

Because your parents are footing the bill and wanting to spend time with you I would make that sacrifice if I were you. I would attend sacrament only and let mom know ahead of time that the only reason you’re attending is to be with her and dad. That’s all they really want anyway. It’s only a couple of hours and it will check that “families are forever” box.

They will be happy. It’s their vacation too. Don’t waste all of Sunday as a day of rest in Hawaii. Don’t know where you’re going or what you’re interests are but Sunday was great day to visit some of the war memorials.
That’s my 2 cents.

I am visiting my parents in 2 weeks...funny, I am on the Board more often...almost as if I am gearing myself up for the experience. My parents are serving an 18 month mission and this is a 2 week break they have been given.

I am 34 and have been out for almost 2 years. I usually do go to Church with them...and I love taking the Sacrament...so they can give me that look that they know I am not worthy and I don't really care...passive aggressive I know...but I love it.

I also love looking bored and giggling at very doctrinal statements and staring at everyone when they get misty-eyed like I don't get what they are so emotional about! It can be fun!