Hello. I am new to this site, and hope that someone might be able to give me some advice.

Brief background...

My TBM wife and I are both decedents of pioneers, and most of our families live in Utah. (We now live about 2000 miles away).

I am a mostly closeted non-believer/ex-mormon. I stopped believing in 2011 (started doubting in 2010). I came across the truth while fulfilling my calling as a ward mission leader. I was conducting research to answer investigators' questions about the Book of Abraham and Polyandry. Then I discovered that everything I believed in was a lie. Suddenly everything made sense- the lost 116 pages, stories of Joseph Smith's adultery, lack of BOM DNA evidence, no horses in the Americas, etc. I was especially bugged that neither of the two bishops that I approached had ever even heard of those controversies, and were unable to answer my questions.

So far, I have only told my TBM wife. She then confided in her parents about a month ago. Luckily, my wife is supportive and we've never been stronger. Her parents have also taken the news gracefully, except for when my father-in-law asked my wife about what kinds of sins I was into. Oh brother...However, nobody in my family knows. I am also living in a new area and am mostly inactive (I only attend an occasional Sacrament Meeting to support my wife). I don't feel like telling my bishopric, because I have already checked out, and feel no need to create drama. I don't feel that it is anybody's business.

Today...

My wife is now 9 months pregnant. I have decided that I will not bless my baby. I don't want to offer my little daughter up to the church as if I condone the church's teachings. I also don't want to be a hypocrite. However, it is still important to my wife that someone, likely her father, blesses our baby in church.

Of course, the church teaches that it should always be the father who does the blessing, as long as he is a "worthy priesthood holder." So now I am stuck, and will have to explain to my parents and family why I refuse to do the blessing. Otherwise, everyone will assume that I am an adulterer or something. I feel like the church set up baby blessings, baptisms, ordinations, etc. to be weapons to use against fathers who no longer fall for the church's stories. I also feel like now is the time to get off this hamster-wheel.

My heart aches for my parents. Especially for my dad. My parents are good people, but they are also zealous Mormons who live in a very materialistic and judgmental ward. My parents are so indoctrinated, that I know they will think that I am going to hell. I love my family, and I know that this will send shock-waves.

Does anyone have any suggestions for gracefully breaking the news to my extremely conservative TBM parents? Any suggestions for handling the baby blessing?

Thank you!

Hi magicrocks,

Sorry to hear your predicament, so typical of the ways TSCC invades our lives, but so happy to hear your wife supports you. And congrats on the upcoming birth of your daughter! She'll need a strong-willed, protective father to navigate all the treacherous waters of mixed messages and institutional control that a Mormon upbringing will instill in her, especially as a female.

With that said, can you approach your disaffection with TSCC as a personal integrity issue? Perhaps tell your parents you respect them and their values, attitudes that won't change, but your need to be honest with yourself, your desire to model an authentic life for your daughter, won't allow you to participate in a dishonest organization. Offer to stop there, so as not to "offend" your parents because you love and respect them. Then live according to your word. Be a good husband, loving father, loyal son--all while distancing yourself from TSCC influence I your life.

It's taken me 20 years and a lot of mishaps, but I've finally reached a point where my folks had to give up on the idea that my life would run off a cliff without tscc's bit in my mouth. I hope it doesn't take you nearly that long.

Best of luck!

Give your baby a father's blessing at your house with just you and your wife and other kids(?). Leave out the priesthood BS.

Inform the bishop and any other nosy types of what you have done. Tell bishop he can take it or leave it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/17/2014 09:03AM by sonoma.

My thoughts exactly ^^^

Agreed. This avoids the hoopla as well. Also, wait until you are away so that you can pick a date your family can't come.

Do this.

I did this with my girls. My dad performed the blessings and my NeverMo husband held them. We considered it a ceremony welcoming them to the family, not a religious magical ordinance. The oldest also had a blessing at a Shinto shrine with a priest which we also viewed as a fun cultural/family experience.

I read about one couple who did this for family at home and never filed the paperwork. The fact that your wife believes definitely complicates things, but I think that making her, yourself, and others happy is far more important than taking the rules of a fake religion seriously.

If she needs someone else to do it, maybe just reveal you are having doubts and tell your parents you want to work it out alone. Maybe share one big critical thing, like the BofA or polyandry, so they can research it themselves. I know it hurts. My parents were pretty NOM but my mom is now so worried about everyone being together in heaven and all the temple paperwork being right. I never went through, and my kids were not baptized (we decided that ceremony had meaning that made us too uncomfortable, though if I had had a TBM spouse I'd have done it). I hate to be a source of sorrow, but I know that somewhere deep inside she realizes there will be nonMormons in heaven. She knows too many good people to fully believe otherwise.

Stay a good person, and I think eventually your wife and family will not only accept the new you, but also love you.

If I was in your shoes, I'd do this instead. Good luck with this mess!

When my daughter was born, my wife still in the church and I was not. She asked my brother to give the blessing, which he gracefully accepted and performed.

It was emotionally difficult, and I was hurt and felt betrayed for a while afterward.

But ultimately, the blessing meant nothing to my little girl, and our relationship now is tight and unique and has nothing to do with the church.

My wife is now out, which certainly makes things easier.

What I would say is that they moment of the blessing is difficult, but it passes. The relationship you establish with your child will be your own, and it's likely that your place within or without the church will bear little relevance in the long run.

Just love and respect her for who she decides to be, and support her, and you will be fine in the end.

The blessing is meaningless compared to the lifelong care of a loving father.

this!!!

"The blessing is meaningless compared to the lifelong care of a loving father."

One of the most harmful effects of the "gospel" is undermining good parents, spouses, siblings, children and friends.

Welcome.

This is a recurring theme, so you're not the first (or the last) to experience it. And you know your situation better than anybody else.

Some like the "ripping off the band-aid approach." Others like to spread it out over time to lessen the impact. I'm not sure which one "gracefully" would best fit.

There doesn't need to be a rush. Having a child blessed with a subsequent 'child of record' created isn't as significant as having a person/child baptized. So, you have time. Weigh your conscience versus family harmony, and consider that perhaps over a few years your wife (and family) may come around with less trauma.

And as far as giving the blessing... it wouldn't bother me to play the game if there's a departure goal in the future. It's all made up anyway.

Best wishes.

They will think you are an adulterer, porn addict etc no matter how well you explain yourself

This is so true. I am putting on the show to baptize my son. I hate the lies a deception just to keep the peace. I was a honest person until I discovered the lies. Now I lie about everything so I can keep my family intact. I also don't like the idea of everybody looking at as a porn addict. I don't want my kids cousins to look at my kids or our family as the evil, misguided sinners that have ruined our eternal family.

I hate my self for all the lies i have to tell but hey the show must go on.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/17/2014 12:48PM by darkshadow.

Darkshadow,
I am so sorry TSCC has you between a rock and a hard place. Is there anyone you can confide in to help ease your burden? Be gentle with yourself though, it is the deceptive nature of TSCC that put you in this predicament.

I don't remember if you had to have a temple recommend 20 years ago, but my DH didn't, and was too honest to lie to get one.

Our oldest son had just attained whatever rank it is that allows you to baptize, so he was the one who baptized his sister. He was thrilled at the opportunity, and most people didn't have anything to say about DH not doing the job. The general feeling seemed to be that it was sweet to let Big Brother baptize his little sister.

Is there a temple-worthy family member that you are particularly fond of that could do the blessing in your place, if you have to do it in church?

LDS Inc uses this whole "lay ministry" model as a hammer to keep men in particular in line.

Pretty effective.

Thank you for all of the advice. I think that I will have to just come out and tell my parents. It will be tough, very tough. But I couldn't live with myself if I just pretended to believe.

I think that I will wait until after our baby is born (any day now), then I will call my parents and explain to them why I have decided not to perform the blessing. I will tell them that I no longer believe in the church, that I am not bitter, and that I love them.

I've decided not to focus on what others will think of me. If I worry about the opinions of others, I will always be their slave.

Finally, why should I be the one who is made to feel uncomfortable? I am not the one who believes in fairy-tales.

Wish me luck!

Your situation is very similar to mine when I had my first child. When we decided not to bless our baby, it was such a relief. Months of contemplating if we should or not. Once we were totally honest with the reasons why we thought we should..we realized it was only because we did not want to upset grandparents. This is not a good enough reason to send your own children into the clutches of mormonism. Shortly after we decided not to, I told my parents I can't pretend for their sake (even though I care about them very deeply)..I had to do what is best for my children. Don't know if that helps, but it really helped us to realize what our biggest reason was.

Best of luck. It is tough, but I suspect (hope) you will feel better in the end. For me that was the case...

Here's what I did:

My wife wanted me to bless our baby even though neither one of us was a believer anymore. I told her we would do it at home in front of our other children, but we wouldn't call it a "father's blessing", we'd call it a "father's promise".

I held our child and promised her that I would always be available to her, I would spend time with her, listen to her, help her grow up in a fun and nurturing environment, and be a good husband to her mother.

My wife and other children were witnesses to this - and if god was there he was a witness too.

My wife was far more pleased with this than with a "blessing" where a father pretends to have magical powers. I only offered what I knew I could deliver.

I now wish I had done the same thing with the first two.

Same situation here...ugh.

Since the LD$ church is a lie, it doesn't matter what you might do or not do within their walls.

What really matters is how you raise your child. You actually bless her every day by being her dad.