My mother is 89. She lives with my sister who never married (and has no kids). Back in 2008 my aunt died. She had no children and her husband had died in 1979, years ago obviously. She had lived very frugally and had an estate worth $648,000. She had written a will for the money to be divided up among her nieces and nephews, of which there were 11. The proceeds on the sale of her small condo was to go to her 3 aged sisters (my "Mum" included {I like the British way of saying "Mom"!}). My cousin and her mom changed the notarized will with some copying and pasting and the whole estate was divided among the 3 sisters, with the one sister (my cousin's Mom) getting more than she would have by virtue of a 3 way split on the money part rather than an 11 way split. So I got nothing. My Mom called me up a couple of weeks after my aunt died to tell me "you're the worst kids ever! Worse than the Ames' kids (my other aunt). Of course we changed it, otherwise you worthless kids would have gotten everything!". Of course that wasn't true, she was going to get the split on the condo. Now over the years I've helped my parents buy a house, took them on vacations when they were older, helped them with things that needed fixing around the house and have lived a life that they bragged about (you know...good kids, stayed married, etc.). So I don't know how I dropped to the "worst ever kid". I hadn't actually even asked about the will, my brother had, but it was just asking a question.

She has absolutely no remorse over what she did. We've talked about it, I tried to give her an easy way to say she was sorry and forget about the money, but she won't even do that. I WANTED to forgive her, to "keep" my Mum.

So, Mother's Day, this week. I don't talk to her much now. I try to see her occasionally and act nice to her, but I feel nothing. I guess I don't even consider her my Mum anymore. Growing up she was always very acidic in her criticisms of minor things. I never felt love emmanating from her. I had a handicap and was beaten up alot and made fun of alot. She never helped me through those situations. My earliest memory was being alone in the hospital after a surgery on my foot. In pain and 1 year old, alone at night in the hospital. I guess she stayed home. I'm not faulting her for that, but then again when my daughter had scoliosis back fusion surgery my wife or me stayed with my daughter every night in the hospital (we had other kids).

I wish she would pass away, quitely. I don't want to think about mother's. I feel like I didn't ever have one.

I know you're all such a compassionate group so I thought I'd share the brutal truth of my background....(OK, in actuality I keep everything going everyday, but this issue picks away at my heart often, I just don't say it out loud very often)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/09/2014 03:11PM by elciz.

My heart is broken today because my TBM daughter sees me as "less than." She has replaced me with another woman. I somehow raised my 2 kids as a single mother and gave them everything I probably shouldn't have and went without.

My heart aches for you. You sound like you are a wonderful child.

I don't think much of mother's day. Never have. I don't really celebrate it except for my own mom. I am HOPING my daughter doesn't send me anything as it will be pouring salt in the wounds after how she has treated me.

I did go out and purchase myself something I have wanted for a long time.

May I also add--my parents both died 5 years ago. There was some property and money left to all of us. My sister spent quite a bit of it. She was executor only because I was going through my separation from my ex at the time they set up the trust (and they asked me first). Now, having watched other people go through this same thing, I am SHOCKED at how people behave over money after deaths and how they do not go by the trusts/wills set up beforehand. My parents even put in a clause about if anyone didn't follow the trust, they would only get $1, but if you try to fight these things in court, you lose everything. It has been very eye opening. No matter what you set up before you die, it makes no difference.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/09/2014 03:17PM by cl2.

For what it's worth, my daughters hate me too, though one of them is polite enough to me to keep from feeling guilty. When their father died the only person who stepped up to try to help keep their world together until they finished highschool was a VERY obnoxious jackinactiveapostate and they will resent me until I die because I couldn't pull a magic wand out of my ass. I'LL be playing a concert in the French Quarter on mothers day and turning off my phone.

Thanks! Your posts are some of the ones who get me through my day!

I would feel the same as you if I had gone through the same thing if that gives you any peace.

Unfortunately some people really aren't capable of love. Lucky for you it isn't genetic or at least it skipped a generation. Enjoy Mother's day knowing you are not the same.

I've heard money can change people, but I think it just lets the truth out.

You and I lived parallel lives is so many ways, even the part about being alone in the hospital. A few years ago she cheated me bigtime in a financial agreement with my siblings. Like you, I have always been the generous giver.

In studying personality disorders, mine has fifty percent of the traits that describe covert narcissism. It took me a lifetime to understand why she often treated me so cruelly. Since 2011 I have had no contact with her, not to be vindictive, but to protect myself. I finally had to stand up for myself, even if it meant a smear campaign where she alienated me from two of my three siblings. If you maintain contact with yours, you may need to have very limited involvement, and on a superficial level.

I know just how you are feeling. Give yourself a Mother's day give of love and acceptance, and congratulate yourself on being a survivor and having courage. You deserve it.

My mom never had no human babies so she always got looked down on. When she was a nurse no matter where it was she ALWAYS got stuck workin holidays so the mommies could take them off instead. If she complained she got told she didn't need holidays because she did not have kids and if she said any more she got accused of bein selfish and hating kids and all that stuff. Mothers Day was the worst.

Being mommy to me and Ruby and Buster didn't count.

I KNOW better!

Your momma done raised some first-rate Troll-Snarfers!

Your "mum" knows she has done wrong. Seeing you reminds her of that so she doesn't want to see you and be reminded. I'm sorry for what you've had to endure. Some mothers just don't measure up to the job description.

Mamma's gonna make all of your
Nightmares come true
Mamma's gonna put all of
Her fears into you...

She won't let you fly
But she might let you sing


--Roger Waters

Love that song.

My motto is to be the mother to my children that I wish I had.

I also have never made my children feel that one day a year they need to worship me. We work to get along and show love every day.
I do not cook on Mother's Day. I do what I want all day. Gift to myself.

Just the fact that one gave you life doesn't in my opinion mean you have to tolerate bad treatment.

My mother was a diagnosed psychopath. She "wanted" my brother, but always told me how she never wanted me. I suffered through years of abuse until I finally started to distance myself from her. After my father died (he had willed the house and land to her, then it was to be divided between me and my brother) she signed the house and land over to my brother, who never had children (because he would tell you he didn't want to be bothered with them) and already had a couple of houses and money, leaving me to continue to struggle to pay rent, etc. So I relate to how hard Mothers Day is for those with terrible mothers. When my mother died, I cried because that relationship had no hope of improving at all.
Those of you who have children who under-appreciate you, my heart goes out to you. I wish I had had a mother like you to love.

One of the disadvantages of being an atheist is not having a hell to believe in because that's where these awful, hurtful, unloving mothers belong.

I'm sorry for those of you who've had this with your mom. I had it with my dad and I know what it's like to have to divorce yourself from a toxic parent. Even if it's what you know you need to do, it hurts.

There are a lot of elderly women who could use a visit or some help around the house. Maybe you could "adopt" a mom in your neighborhood who would really appreciate what a great person you are. It's something to consider.

Mother's Day is fairly anti-climactic for me. My "mum" (I like that as well.) beat the living hell out of me when I was a kid. Regularly. I wasn't even a "bad" kid. Now, to clear the air she was not a church attender. I add that because I hear the horror stories that some if you share about your church attending mothers.

Truthfully my mother is mean personified. I actually have thoughts of standing at her death bed, telling her she deserves the coming eternal blank. I won't though, I will be the dutiful son who will hold her hand. Or maybe Thomas S. could fill in for me? Or maybe she would back hand him?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/09/2014 11:44PM by tensolator.

I don't think I'm going to feel anything when my mother dies.

I don't know if it was being a TBM or just how she was. But she was a pretty nothing mother. Don't want to go into details here, just to tell you you're not alone.

I'm so sorry. This sort of thing can eat you alive. When my brother died, I was his sole surviving next of kin. He had no children, and he left half his estate to me and half to our older brother. When our older brother died, my nephew weasled his was in as executor to my brother's will. My brother lived away from all of us, but we talked every day on the phone. My nephew has never had a real job, and has lived off the family, and has moved from one con to the next, his whole life. I convinced my brother to hire an attorney, and to draw up an "air-tight will", which he did, and he mailed me a copy. When my brother was dying, the nephew flew over to see him, and had him sign a bogus will which made the nephew executor and which left everything to him, except a few thousand for me and my children. My brother's estate was hundreds of thousands of dollars. My brother never mentioned this "new will". It was in tiny print, that he could not read. He was also not coherent on the day he signed it. What my nephew did was fraud. I filed a lawsuit, but in the meantime, he moved into my brother's house (which was mine, as next of kin, and according to the real will), sold the heirlooms, his cars, his expensive paintings from our grandfather's estate, etc, and sold the house itself.

The nephew acted as though he were ENTITLED to all my brother's possessions and money. I was the one who helped my brother, who had him stay at my house, who was closest to him. I was/am also a single mother, and the nephew has no children.

After two years, I won the lawsuit, but only recovered half of my share of the estate. I would have had to pay for medical witnesses, travel expenses, and attorneys fees. I would have had to leave my job and travel to where my brother had lived. Worse still, the whole thing was making me sick. Winning the lawsuit made me feel better.

Having someone steal from you is like having someone beat you up. It is abuse. It is an invasion of your self. The thief destroys your life. The way to win is to make this temporary.

You are on the way to recovery. I'm so sorry your own mother did this to you. Taking your inheritance is awful, and so are the cruel things she said to you. She said those things to you to JUSTIFY her stealing from you. It is the same thing that an abusive spouse does when he beats his wife. These psychopaths want to commit a crime against someone, so they belittle their victim as much as possible. Most actually blame the victim. Your mother blamed you. Yes, I think she is a psychopath, just like my nephew.

I'm sorry, but you will probably have to distance yourself from your mother. I hope to never speak to my nephew again. He has moved nearby, though, and has told our relatives that I tried to get money from him, but lost the case. He is trying to con money out of our relatives, to start a business. He doesn't have a college education, and has no business sense, no skills, and tells very stupid, obvious lies. I warned the relatives, but they didn't seem to listen to me. I've been avoiding family get-togethers, because I can't stand the sight of his smug face. He is in the bishopric, and brags about it.

Another point: I'm sure that your cousin and her mom bad-mouthed you to your mother. That's how family con-artists operate. They manipulate family members into hating each other, and lie that they are the "good guy." Your mother's anger at you didn't come out of nowhere. All this was deliberately and relentlessly manipulated.

I think this is called "affiliation fraud."

Celebrate Mothers' Day by appreciating yourself. You are never going to treat any of your children this way! You have ended the cycle of abuse.

Mail her a card that says, "I hope you have the Mothers' Day that you deserve."

Mine is an angry, rageful woman. She participated in horrible acts around the will and estate of her parents, she and her sisters colluded on this and a shady lawyer, and now she's turning it around as if she was a victim. She's always a victim and a Martyr and she's pissed about everything all the time. Screaming rages that escalated for hours was a huge major chunk of my childhood. The yelling and anger has continued through adulthood but being away from home, there is some separation. Huge blowout a few months ago. Her rage came out with a fury and I landed right back into childhood and the hyperventilating tears and numb lips and fingers that warped and stiffened. I don't know why I didn't just hang up. That was really hard to get slammed back into that era of my life that I haven't haven't had to deal with for 25 years. She said horrible things to me and I don't know if I can recover from this and maintain a relationship anymore. There are good parts. She's a neat lady, wonderful to be around at times, but she'll turn on you in a second, and I think I'm topping off. I want to be her friend so much, but she's a hateful, critical, raging woman. I fear the fact we're reaching a point that we're going to have take care of our parents, and she's going to be a mean one. A really mean one.

I sent a card for Mother's Day. I don't know where I'm going after this.

I feel for you. Looks like there are a lot of us wondering what the hell to do and feeling lost this weekend.

You might want to come up with a plan for the next time you talk to your mom. Every time you listen to her when she is in a fit of rage you are inadvertently rewarding her behavior (because you are giving it attention.) So the next time she starts in on the anger and vindictiveness make a quick exit -- "Sorry, Mom, I've got to go now. Good-bye." Then quickly hang up the phone. Over time (perhaps a long period of time) she will learn not to unleash her anger on you if she wants any kind of relationship with you. Don't tolerate abusive behavior. You are an adult and you don't have to take it anymore.

I know I've told this before, but it just seems so symbolic of my childhood.

In second grade, we were supposed to make Mother's Day cards for our mothers. On mine, I drew a face that had a horizontal line for a mouth, with several short cross-hatches going through it vertically. The teacher exclaimed, "Oh, how nice! Is she smiling?"

I replied, "No. It's a zipper and it's pulled shut so she can't say any more mean things to me."

The teacher told me I was a terrible, TERRIBLE girl. She ripped up my card and said I must never again say such an awful thing. She made me draw another one. I think I drew something generic like a house with flowers.

But I was absolutely stricken inside - why did the teacher get so angry when what I drew and said reflected the absolute truth about my feelings? Nobody had told me we were supposed to be accomplished liars in second grade.

Just this afternoon, during a nap - I had a dream about taking a trip to Italy (which I adore) with my mother, father, and grandmother, as they were back in the 60's, only I was older, knowing the stuff I know now.

And true to form - we were in Naples - while my Dad and Grandma were marveling about everything they saw and heard (Grandma, born in Germany, even found some German tourists and struck up a conversation with them and had great fun) - mother was bitching about everything. Her feet hurt. She didn't care about all the history and the museums. The drivers were all insane (they are, but that's just part of being in Italy! I love that place!). She didn't like the fact that relatively few people spoke English. She even hated the hotel room because CNN was the only channel in English. And she hated the food. According to her, nobody made spaghetti and meatballs correctly!

That dream was an accurate reflection of every vacation we ever took. When I was 9, she managed to turn Disneyland into an outpost of Hell - and I LOVE Disneyland!

She has been gone for nearly 22 years now - and I truly don't miss her. I used leave time and money that I didn't really have to fly out and visit her shortly before her death, and while I tried to be nice and let her know that I realized that it couldn't have been easy, raising a rebellious teen-ager after my sweet father passed away, she still managed to get in some nasty, critical remarks before our final goodbye.

I thought it said volumes that there were maybe a dozen people at her funeral. My husband and I, plus my best friend and her mother made up four of the dozen.

At my father's funeral, years before, there had been standing-room-only at the chapel. He was that kind of guy. To this day, I believe that for whatever reason my father was the only person who ever actually got into Mother's heart. There is no doubt that they truly loved one another. She was lost without him.

But she was nasty to everyone else, and that only got worse after he died and she took up alcohol.

I tried very hard to be just the opposite with my own kids, and they have all turned out pretty well.

Not really a fan of Mother's Day myself. Mom was very passive-aggressive, manipulative, and played the emotional blackmail game for years until it stopped working.

I was actually a pretty damn good kid growing up. Listening to her though, you would have thought that raising me and my sisters was a living hell. The fact is however that none of us ever really got into trouble with the law, none of us had drug problems, none of us was going around f***ing half the town. Yet we were always made to believe that we were just awful and we were to blame for her always being so unhappy.

She was the master at deflecting the blame for everything onto others. I don't believe that I have ever heard her own up to anything she ever did wrong or ever consider for a moment that she might have been the primary source of unhappiness at home.

She worked nights as a nurse and slept a lot during the day. To a large extent, we kids raised ourselves. Most of what I learned growing up came from trial and error.

My happiest memories growing up were times where she was nowhere around. I remember listening to talks by GAs about how important it was for mothers to stay at home. I remember thinking at the time that I was actually quite grateful that mom was absent so much of the time.

I had MAJOR self-respect/self-esteem issues growing up. I was well into my 30s before I could say that I had resolved most of those issues. While it would not be fair to blame my mother for all of that, I do think it is fair to say that she sure as hell didn't help it any.

We maintain a respectful relationship now. We don't talk too much about feelings or deeply personal things. We can make small talk with each other and keep it friendly. It helps tremendously that I haven't had to share a roof with her in almost 20 years. And I never will again.

My dad, who was far from perfect himself, managed to stay married to that awful woman for 28 years. I will never be able to figure out how he managed to hang in there for as long as he did.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/10/2014 06:30AM by Strength in the Loins.

((catnip))) My heart goes out to you having a terrible mother, as I did.
I have been a teacher for 39 years, and let me tell you, if I had seen your drawing with the mother's zippered mouth, and heard your explanation for it, my heart would have broken for that little girl who was so tired of being abused, that is how she wanted her mom (shutting up with the abuse.) What an ass that teacher was who not only did not validate you in any way, but shamed you for telling the truth. Maybe she reacted the way she did because she herself was a mean, hateful parent.

an NPD mother. I had given her thousands to keep her in her house. No one else did. In the end, "You do do not need it" and became very mean. Hard to figure. Someone told me that some folks attack those closest to them. I hated the Hallmark created mother's day.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/10/2014 12:35PM by mav.

Am I missing something here? It is illegal to change a will. Get a lawyer and go after her.

M is for the Many beatings (and Mormon Mother)
O is for her Oppressive personality
T is for her Tacky clothing
H is for the Hell she created
E is for the Enemy she is to me
R is for the Rotten person she is.

Thank you, everyone. I can relate to everything you say, and it feels so good to know I am not alone with my feelings of anger.

Good one, madalice. Nice chorus. Here's the verse:

Here's a song for all you rotten mothers
Mothers who have put your sons through Hell
At forty-four he got drunk to forget you
And woke up all hungover in a cell



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/10/2014 08:05PM by donbagley.

Wow, just wow! Sorry to hear all this awful stuff about your mothers. I can't imagine such a thing.
My mom was the BEST mom ever. A very loving, kind woman. For her it was all about her kids and then grandkids. Dad too.
I love her dearly and miss her very much. As well as my dad. they both died about 3 years ago, 6 months apart. Dad first. Married 48 years with 5 kids and six grandkids. The heart of their lives. Their will only said to do what was right, seriously, that was their will. We are a very close family and did what they would have wanted. No fuss, no lawyer, no selfishness. They had a pretty fair amount estate too. All went smooth and we agreed on everything we thought we should do with it. Took about 15min and all was done.
The fact is none of us wanted any of it. What we wanted was our parents back.

I have been struggling with my relationship with my mother for the past five years. I have four sons but for some reason having my own daughter has brought many of the repressed memories of what a horrible childhood my mother created. I have learned to ' respect the office' I guess and treat her kindly. But inside I dislike her more than anyone on this earth. I have carried so much guilt for these feelings. I have started reading a book called 'toxic parents' to get a feel for what boundaries and feelings are okay for me to have.
So many of these posts have expressed exactly what I have been through or feel. I am grateful for this topic today. It has helped me tremendously. Thank you all for the therapy!

It's so sad to hear these stories and relationships. I have never been close to my mother. I know she tried her best, but she had 6 kids and had to deal with my dad. I didn't have a pleasant childhood and felt very alone. I've been married for 6 years and we only have one child. After months and months of contemplation, we have decided not to have any other children. We are both on anti-anxiety medication, which helps us both tremendously. I don't want to have more children than I have the mental, emotional and financial capacity to support. I also want my child to grow up seeing parents who are happy and love each other. After being a mother myself, I can't even fathom how your mothers could treat you the way that they have. It's not ok. TSCC perpetuates worn out mothers who never feel good enough and resent their place in the world.