I've been lurking around for the past few weeks, and really trying to understand all of this. I guess I'm just looking for advice, or maybe to find someone who has been in a similar situation as myself. Let me tell you the story...

I met a woman about 8 months ago. We began dating, under really strange circumstances. I've known she was an ex mormon from the begining, but I never understood exactly what that meant, up until now. She told she had left the church about 4 years ago, I was raised Catholic, so I thought "Okay, she left the church, everything's good now" WRONG. It's been a struggle the past few months, not only because one side of her family is all mormon, but because she's in a relationship with a woman, who is me.

She grew up in the church, and was told being with someone of the same sex is a sin, disgusting, and wicked. I can't really wrap my brain around all of that because even being raised Catholic, my family is pretty supportive of us. I'm just trying to work through alot of the issues I'm having as her partner. The brainwashing, being told she's disgusting, and that her family doesn't want me around because, well, I'm a woman. I just can't picture being completley cut off from my family just because of the person I choose to love, but apparently, from what I've been reading, cutting people off because they don't "choose the right" seems to be the answer to alot of Mormons.

There's more details, but I won't get into them. I'm just looking for some outlets, or advice on how to go about working through these issues, and understanding all of this.

One question re: your username:

If you are an ex-Catholic, I don't get it.

Why are you tatted AND SINFUL???

There are ex-Catholics in my family, and tattoos are a non-issue in Catholicism.

hi tattedandsinful, i'm so sorry for you - and for her. I can't give a firsthand gay perspective but I can give one being involved with someone I thought was exmo as well, but turns out he was what they call a jackmormon; someone who still believes but didn't currently attend church. after he came out as mo to me (was craftily hidden for months) i got a crash course in what that meant.

shunning is common. this is a 'church' that interferes in politics to try and shut down gay marriage. women especially are made to feel disgusting for even embracing a small bit of their sexuality - and that is the straight women (i was essentially called a sex crazed heathen) - i cannot imagine how much worse it would be for lesbians. her family will not only not accept you for being a woman, but you compromise their daughter's ticket to heaven - as they believe in order to get there, she will need to be temple worthy and marry a MAN who is also temple worthy. (barf)

the brainwashing in this cult is strong and although you has a normal, loving human being can't imagine cutting someone off because of who you choose to love, the cult is all for this. and it goes on - browse through the other threads and stories to hear the heartbreak, loss and tragedy this cult has caused thousands, if not millions of people. I personally could not understand what woman would want to stay and participate in their own oppression, especially one who is doubly oppressed knowing how they view gays but I wasn't brainwashed from birth. for someone who is it's incredibly hard to break away from and easily reactivated.

I am not sure how much I can offer in terms of going forward from here - how far out is your partner? has she actually resigned from the church? does she want to go back - is her family guilting her to go back? hopefully she sees the cult for what it is and will stay out, and her family will accept her for who she is, as she is - the unconditional love a parent should have for a child. I really hope it doesn't come down to a choice between them/the cult and you.

anyway, i'm sorry i couldn't be more helpful - just wanted to give you some solidarity from someone who has experience dating a mo as a non mo. I hope you can find a way forward with her, and without the cult interfering. best wishes to you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/21/2014 05:03PM by wideawake.

She's out, and has been for 4 years (from the church I mean). Her mother is especially "righteous" and wants her to come back, I'm assuming with guilt, because of the "scriptures" she's sent my partner in text messages, and phone conversations about how she needs to live a righteous life. Also, how she should of sacrificed being married to a man (even though she fell in love with a woman) "for her children". It's just a big mess, she's never going back, but it's difficult to really understand how these types of people still exist in the world.

And yes, tatted means tattooed, and sinful...well I thought it was ironic to make a username because we "sin" everyday apparently when we are together ;)

I don't think that's what tatted meant.
Tatted, that's common behavior for LDS people. They throw a fit even if someone dates a "nonmember" of the church. It's not unusual for TBM's to act like the member who is dating outside the church membership is going to burn in hell for 100 years just because of that. Of course they are going to act like that over same sex relationships, the dumbasses.
If y'all are in love and choose a life together, you might want to consider moving away from the self righteous pricks.

I've never seen that word used in this way before. (All I ever heard it used for was tattoos, and some kind of specialized needlework that my maternal g-grandmother used to do.)

Thank you, Aquarius123!!!

We live far away from all of them. (Surprisingly enough, one of her brother's is really supportive of us)

But it's still hard to break down the walls that this "church" has put up inside her. I'm doing my best, but I'm also glad to know there's been some people in my shoes as well.

Good luck with your relationship!

Is your girlfriend out of the church because (1) she believes it's all a lie and she's actually done the research? Or (2) she doesn't want to live the lifestyle anymore but still believes some things about the church. There's a big difference.

If it's (1) then great, she should be able to move on with life and heal which will require setting boundaries with her family. If it's (2), she may still have a lot of guilt and hang ups whether or not she plans to keep going to church. It will be a tough road. The family issues will make it harder. In either case, she needs to be strong and tell her family what is and isn't acceptable to talk about.

It also sounds like she could use a good, non-LDS therapist.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/21/2014 05:45PM by sincere9.

Time & love will do wonders. Maybe add some professional therapy to add things up.

One thing she could consider doing is officially resign from the church. (I'm assuming she hasn't and in her parents mind is just inactive.) That may 1) help send the message more clearly to her family that she isn't coming back to the church, 2) help distance herself a little more from the emotional damage.

Many people leave the church and don't retain the hangups she is experiencing which is where a visiting a good sex therapist might be a really good idea - to help her work through the hangups she is dealing with.

As far as Mormon family behaving badly and being hurtful, my approach has been to diminish the level of interaction I have with them and select a new family that is more accepting.

Welcome, Tattedandsinful! I'm glad that you came out of lurkdom. I am a nevermo who was also raised in the Catholic faith.

As you have figured out, leaving Mormonism is a lot more complex than leaving Catholicism or any of the mainstream Protestant churches. It might help you to realize that the level of control Mormonism exerts over its adherents is more akin to the Jehovah's Witnesses than any mainstream denomination. The indoctrination is thorough and relentless.

The Mormon church has just recently made its peace with the fact that some of its members are gay. A person can be a member in good standing if they do not have a gay relationship, and especially not a sexual gay relationship (even within the bounds of marriage.) The church was heavily involved in the Prop 8 fight in California, and is opposed to gay marriage in Utah. Even then, many members are not going to be very accepting of gays, despite the new party line. Many years ago there was a program at BYU to "shock the gay away" by using electrodes on young gay men's genitals. Although that practice is long gone, the attitudes behind it often remains.

Please keep reading this board. It will take you several years to thoroughly learn about the Mormon church and the effect it has on its members, exmos, and their families. Good luck to you and let us know how things go.

I've technically been out of the church for about 3 years, but I'm just now starting to come to terms with the fact I'm a lesbian.

You and your partner should definitely consider therapy. I saw someone when I was transitioning out of the church, and I realize I will probably have to see someone again when I start my first relationship. A good therapist can be helpful in setting proper boundaries with family members who are making her life miserable.

We've been to couple's therapy, but we only touched on this subject a few times while in therapy. It's such a strange place to be in, being her partner and seeing the way she's been treated and manipulated by her own "family" just because of the person she chose to love. Definitley a struggle for me, because there is not much I can do, besides reach out and get some other opinions, and advice. It's a good feeling knowing that she is NOT alone in this, and I'm utterly SHOCKED at the amount of people on this board with stories just like hers.

It's crazy to me how this so called "church" has destroyed so many people and relationships.

1) If that is what her family is telling her, then they are not following church doctrine and policy. See mormonsandgays.org for actual information about the position of the church. See also http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/same-sex-attraction http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/same-sex-marriage

2) If she WAS taught church doctrine, she knows that any sexual activity violates God's law, and families including a mother and a father are ordained of God. The church publically supported law that prohibits discrimination on the basis of same gender attraction in employment and housing. It welcomes any and everyone to services, though it does not approve of the behavior that promotes a gay lifestyle.

3) I think it may be useful to encourage her to educate her family in what their faith actually expects. Doesn't mean that her family will accept the gay lifestyle, but it should absolutely end the trash talk and the failure to respect her choice whether or not they agree with it or like it.no


3)

Her family will be relentless in trying to get her to return to the Church. That's one reason that it's often called a cult. If you leave the group, you're pressured to return. If you don't return, then you are shunned.

In their minds, she has already chosen to leave them by assuring that she will never have an eternal LDS family anyway.

I grew up as a gay mormon.

It does quite a number on your mind. It took me a very long time and two consecutive break downs before I could accept myself. So you can only imagine how much it might take for someone else to accept another when they have been just as brainwashed.

Either way it is going to take a lot of patience and understanding on both sides.

For me my family has been relatively accepting so far... in the back of their minds they still expect me to settle down and find someone who is the opposite gender. I can't force them to see reality, because they have to want to first.

tattedandsinful, where does your girlfriend's family live? your situation sounds similar to that of my cousin who recently came out

In Utah, I'm going to guess Provo, but I'm not 100% sure.

My sister moved out and lived with her boyfriend (*gasps*) and she was treated soooooo horribly by my parents, former ward, family, etc. She was gossiped about for years on end and was made a project to save her from her sins, etc. Her boyfriend was completely shunned and even though she married him 10 yrs later, he has never EVER been treated well by family. They shun him, ignore him, and even though its been well over a decade they don't "know" him at all. Yet he is one of the greatest ppl I know. I was guilty of not treating him well in the beginning. Even tried to have missionary discussions with him, he thought I was crazy.

Well about 2yrs ago my husband and I saw the "light". We left the Mormon church a year ago. Suddenly my sister wasn't so "bad" to the family. Who committed the greater sin? My husband and I because we first we became inactive, then we rejected the gospel. We were married and sealed in the temple. But now we are lowly apostates. The shunning is sooooo terrible. Ppl, we once knew actually act like we are wicked and turn from us in disgust if we see them in stores. Its quite funny and sad at times.

I'm so sorry your girlfriend is experience the hurt and pain from family. Sorry I don't have any helpful advice. Sadly, the poor treatment might always be there. For us, we have concluded that for the time being, separating ourselves from our family is the best choice. We don't want our kids to be influenced by their hate. I thought if we separated ourselves from them that we'd be showing hate in return, but I don't think that way anymore. ITs drawing a line and protecting our family from the hate and condescending talk. Our life is now about creating new family, with people who accept us. Its becoming easier to make new friends.

I hope as time goes by it will be easier for both of you. Fill your lives with lots of laughter, love, friendship, and create a new family. Time will heal. IT might always hurt to look back and think "wow! can't believe they couldn't accept us". But that's not your fault or her fault. The Mormon church is just overly judgmental like that. It brainwashes and belittles so many. Blame the church and move on.

You are so thoughtful, to care about her and try to understand her past.

That's the plan. To focus on the future, get into therapy, and spend time with those who truly love us. We have a lot of people who are really supportive of us, and to me, that makes things alot easier. Time will heal, you are right, but sometimes it's such a struggle. I guess the best way to go about it is to try and understand, and also read about others who are in our situation.

I only can wish one day her "family" will accept us, well me, but that doesn't seem like it will ever happen. The best I can do is be there for her, understand everything, and move forward together.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/22/2014 11:35AM by tattedandsinful.

Tattedandsinful, i am curious to know how things are, a year later? I am embroiled in a similar situation, and am looking for a support network.

A lot of ex-Mormons left the Church around the time that the Church got so heavily involved in Proposition 8 in California.

In the LDS Church, I was always taught that a person's agency, their right to choose for themselves, was a very sacred gift from God. And yet here the Church was, actively interfering in the rights of others. I, for one, was appalled and shocked.

They have actively been involved in trying to 'cure' people of their gayness.

My Mormons friends say that it has to be a choice, because there's no way that 'Heavenly Father' would allow people to be born like that. So to your girlfriend's family, you are someone who is influencing her to make bad choices.

Even if they concede that it might be possible that it's not a choice, they see it as a trial to be endured. They allow that one can have such feelings, but they must never act on it.

The Church has what they call "The Law of Chastity." A Mormon must never have a sexual relationship with someone they are not legally married to. So even if you were a guy, if you were having a sexual relationship with their daughter outside of marriage, they still wouldn't like you.

For Mormons the Law of Chastity isn't just a guideline. They expect it to be obeyed. So if someone is gay, they must follow those same rules. They don't get an exemption, just because they're gay, as far as the Church is concerned.

The idea of same-sex marriage has them pooping bricks.

But anyway, those are just a few brief points on how the Church views homosexuality. Some family members will never be okay with it. That's just the Mormon way.

Edit: Oh, this is a year old. Why do people do that? LOL



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/16/2015 08:49PM by Greyfort.

My advice: Print out this thread and show it to your therapist. Most people think of Mormonism as a quaint, harmless religion. It is not.

Yes.. just noticed the date of the OP...
Wondering what has happened in a year.

Mormons are people first. They come in every variety: strict, conservative, accepting, non-accepting, opinionated, more lax, liberal, etc.

And yes, "tatted" is common useage



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/17/2015 03:52AM by SusieQ#1.

I think you will find diverse opinions on this situation.

I believe that former Mormons that are homosexual have different challenges than former Mormons that are straight.

It can be the difference between being rejected and rejecting.

I am interested in the conversation from those that disagree, but I do have some close friends that were Mormons, homosexual and became former Mormons. Some of them still have more attachment to Mormonism and respect for the rituals than I do.

I believe it is a different exit if you are kicked out as opposed to telling them them to pound rocks.


How did she separate? With confidence that she is as she is, no sin or that she had no place in such an amazingly wonderful culture of virtuous god fearing people.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/17/2015 04:10AM by gentlestrength.