There really is a lot to think about and ponder considering the past three years of my life as I sit here in the dark, with the fans blowing, the window open, and light pollution leaking into my small humble apartment. I’m listening to some liberal media, then I’m listening to rap, then I’m listening to metal and post hardcore, and then I find myself slipping into the infinite paradise of romantic and classical music. I’m sitting here, so content with all this. My wife is sleeping in the bedroom, and I’m here winding down after work, sipping some almond milk, wearing my favorite band shirt with a provocative skull on it, and gym shorts. I’m just sitting here really enjoying myself and being myself. This past weekend I met so many people who were like minded and even in-laws who are like minded. I got to swim in the company of my great human species and enjoy the company of everyone this past weekend without second thought. I stopped smoking after trying it for a couple months, I have brandy up in the cupboard to make a nice “toddy” to help me fall asleep with my cold, and I have beer in the fridge that I will be using to cook chicken with. Tomorrow I will be practicing some rather progressive music, studying and reading all sorts of physics papers, and going to the gym to better my health. There really is a lot to think about and ponder and for the first time I am at peace with what there is to contemplate.


Three years ago I would not have imagined having the life I have now. It’s been quite the “sharknado” of events but I’ve had some really awesome times. I’ve had the best times of my life and the darkest, most dangerous times of my life and I am equally pleased with both. Right now, I’m on a high note. Right now, I’m soaring on the great arpeggio-esque wave of a jubilant nocturne by Chopin. I’m rolling up and down the keyboard of life. I’ve started to really accept the dissident sounds of my life and using them for a good measure. But I’m supposed to be miserable; who knew it would be so different?


I could not imagine that I would be so ecstatic, so peaceful, so elated with my freedom to read, to play, to create, to wear, and to live in whatever fashion that pleases me. I could not imagine being so happy with myself and where I’m going. I’ve had people discourage my piano playing, discourage my musical taste, discourage my entrepreneurial spirit, discourage my scientific interests, discourage my skepticism, and discourage who I really was.



Now it seems that everywhere I am meeting supportive people. If they aren’t supportive, then they usually give constructive criticism. I no longer have to listen to people telling me to find refuge in religious books, in prayer, or in ridiculous sermons. I can now seek refuge in myself. I can now express myself and not feel guilty of divine disapproval when I do. I can find refuge in humanity, in nature, in music, in family and friends, and in everything that is truly real. Not everyone sees it that way, but that’s okay, I do. And now it’s okay to say I see it that way.


Looking back it all seems like a nightmare: all the depressing meetings with the bishop, all the sleepless nights running away from “temptation,” all the countless mornings with guilt, all the countless days filled with anxiety and worry. It’s all so crazy. It’s crazy to think that sticking up for myself, being true to myself, and being honest with myself would feel so great. I’ve literally spent my entire life trying to please “god”, a church, which in reality is just all people. I’ve spent my entire life trying to please people-- and their projected reality and opinion on what is to be my reality and opinion.


I can now look at my wife and say “I am so happy.” Those four words mean so much and have been the same words that I’ve been wanting to say for three years. I’ve been happy, but nothing like I am now. I can now say with confidence “I don’t care what others think about me anymore” and really mean it. There so much integrity that I can now live with. There is so much more life where I can actually bear to live with myself.


I’m certainly on a peak right now, I don’t know when the valley will come back, but being on a peak for the first time in three years is something to be cherished. I’m going to continue to ride this arpeggio-esque wave to the end of this nocturne and allow the positivity to propel me through the next valley. This is my life now.

Yes...

...very nice, elconquistador...

I am happy for you!!!

Awesome! I love to read the success stories! Yours gives me hope that I'll figure out how to be myself, too.

I enjoyed reading this. I feel very much the same. It isn't perfect, but I am way happier now than ever before. My anxiety levels are down, and on the days when my heart starts racing and I get all panicky for no reason, my mind doesn't go down the rabbit hole of Mormon guilt, and intensify the anxiety and panic. I can have a relaxing Sunday morning, sipping coffee while watching the rain tap against the window, instead of getting up in full panic to get to my first meeting on time, only to find that my whole "day of rest" had been soaked up on busywork.