Might start by loving an animal pet. If you can
do that well, then try expanding your loving to
the fellow human beings of your choice.

Sooner or later one of those folks will "love you back."

May take a few decades to reach that point.

Patience helps.

UD

First: be love.
learn love, then lots of practice; will be difficult / not according to the examples you've had prior to now.

I have Lots of sayings/quotes to share if u email me:

manderst@yahoo.com

You probably don't want to hear this.... For ten of my adult years, I thought I was living without love, and it was very depressing. A lot of it was real: my husband beat me, and I had to divorce him to save my life. The broken bones and surgeries depressed me, even more. No one seemed to care that I was abused, and my ex married a replacement Mormon woman victim, the day our divorce was final. I was in the hospital for yet another surgery, to try to repair more of the bone damage. I had left my home town to hide from my ex, and my Mormon friends forgot about me, because I wasn't in their wards anymore, and I was now a divorced woman. I went on one date, who told me that I was now "damaged goods." I can tell you that there is no love in the Mormon church.

Do you have a job? Do you go to school? You can find decent, loving, normal human beings in places like that. I had a cat and a dog, and those count as "love."

What I discovered, is that the most significant love is the love you have in your own heart. By "significant", I mean that this is the love you feel all the time, the love you know is real. You can grow this love all around you. This is the love you give to yourself and to others. Most of the time, the love you give out is not returned. (That was the part you did not want to hear.) Even though your love is not returned, you were able to feel it, enjoy it, control it. You can love nature, trees and flowers, good food, hobbies, your freedom, as well as people. Love yourself first!

forestpal Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> You probably don't want to hear this.... For ten
> of my adult years, I thought I was living without
> love, and it was very depressing. A lot of it was
> real: my husband beat me, and I had to divorce
> him to save my life. The broken bones and
> surgeries depressed me, even more. No one seemed
> to care that I was abused, and my ex married a
> replacement Mormon woman victim, the day our
> divorce was final. I was in the hospital for yet
> another surgery, to try to repair more of the bone
> damage. I had left my home town to hide from my
> ex, and my Mormon friends forgot about me, because
> I wasn't in their wards anymore, and I was now a
> divorced woman. I went on one date, who told me
> that I was now "damaged goods." I can tell you
> that there is no love in the Mormon church.
>
> Do you have a job? Do you go to school? You can
> find decent, loving, normal human beings in places
> like that. I had a cat and a dog, and those count
> as "love."
>
> What I discovered, is that the most significant
> love is the love you have in your own heart. By
> "significant", I mean that this is the love you
> feel all the time, the love you know is real. You
> can grow this love all around you. This is the
> love you give to yourself and to others. Most of
> the time, the love you give out is not returned.
> (That was the part you did not want to hear.)
> Even though your love is not returned, you were
> able to feel it, enjoy it, control it. You can
> love nature, trees and flowers, good food,
> hobbies, your freedom, as well as people. Love
> yourself first!


And there you have it in a nutshell.

Lots of work - and patience.
And you've got to start with two basically decent people.
I think it's pretty silly when women fall for the "bad boys" and then are shocked when they act badly. (Or vice-versa)

I thought I was pretty much in love when I married my husband. Then we had a lot of rough years - there were several times I didn't think we would make it. Now (after being too stubborn to give up) our relationship is amazing. The love we have now makes me think I really didn't know what love was when we first started out.

Maybe it is not so much a case of "finding" real love as it is a case of "growing & nurturing" real love.

Edited to say: I was writing this at the same time as the people in the posts above mine were writing their comments. My comments are not in any way in answer to their comments. Abuse is nothing to take lightly - and my rough years were in no way as serious as the years she suffered abuse. And when I was referring to "bad boys," I was referring more to situations where you recognize that they aren't the sort to be faithful, but you think you can change them. We can't change another person; the only people we can change are our own selves.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/20/2014 11:57PM by finallygetsit.

I think what you have said is true, finallygetsit, but I also think that romantic attraction and emotional chemistry between the two people is vital if what both people are seeking is deep satisfaction on all levels of their lives.

There are all kinds of marriages, and some people WANT "companionate" marriages, where they share common interests, they like each other, they are very good friends together, they agree on important practical considerations of their lives (where they will live...what standard of living they both want...how they will manage their finances, etc.)...and they aren't concerned with the rest (emotional love for each other, very good--or really superb--sex, naturally occurring excitement just being with each other because they bring out the best in positive sparks and creativity in each other, and the constant positive challenges--like intellectual challenges, etc.--they just naturally offer to each other by being themselves and interacting with each other).

Many marriages (such as really good arranged marriages) are companionate marriages, and if that is what each of the people involved want, this is wonderful. This is probably, in truth, what MOST people want (if they were honest with themselves).

But for many OTHER people, being married to a very good, totally trustworthy, always safe and comfortable, NICE friend just isn't ENOUGH. It's a given that each of these things are important elements of a good relationship, but they are not ENOUGH if what you REALLY want is a relationship with real chemistry, very deep positive feelings, and constantly-generated intellectual sparks, that just keeps getting better and better and better as the years go by.

I have been involved in a companionate marriage (which is NOT what I thought I was getting into--I got into it because both of us WERE, indeed, two really nice people, with common interests and many common values, and my family was over-the-top eager for me to marry this other person).

I will NEVER be involved in a companionate marriage again.

It is NOT enough for ME.

I want deep connection...I want the very, VERY good sex that comes from being naturally compatible with each other...and I want the kind of deep emotional understanding, and personal and intellectual and romantic chemistry, and naturally occurring humor, that is going to be still flourishing for all the rest of both of our lives.

These marriages EXIST--I know this from my personal life. This kind of marriage is NOT a fantasy, it is a total reality for many, many people--some of whom I know personally.

THIS is what I want for me, and for everyone I love...

Now...and forever...for all the rest of both of our lives.

Tevai,
Absolutely - To me romance and sexual attraction is just assumed (I mean why would you marry someone you didn't have those feelings for?) - but I should probably have mentioned that in my post. Romance & attraction (and passion) are VERY important (at least to me), but there should ALSO be trust, kindness, common values, fun, etc. (Yes, I want it ALL.)

In fact, in our marriage, the thing that made some of our "rough" years so rough, is the fact that once we were married, he was much less interested in romance & sex than I was. It was devastating. I mean - we WERE having sex (though not as often as I wanted), and it was VERY good when we had it - but it often felt like he was doing it out of obligation rather than any real desire. After YEARS of trying to get him to understand that I wanted more from our relationship, I finally told him (as our youngest was preparing to graduate from high school) that I couldn't have just a room-mate any longer, and that I deserved someone who loved and wanted me as much as I loved & wanted him.

The transformation in our relationship has been incredible. It took years, but I finally have the marriage I always wanted. It is, in fact, even better than I had imagined it would be when I was younger.

As frustrated as I was in the earlier years, I'm very happy that I didn't throw in the towel.