What did Jesus say to Pontius?
Can you put me up for the night?

Your turn.

T-Bone Wrote:
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> What did Jesus say to Pontius?
> Can you put me up for the night?

You got me to smile...

(Very clever, T-Bone. :D )

A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade math to be the challenge of his life. His mom and dad did everything and anything to help their son...private tutors, peer assistance, CD-ROMs, Textbooks, even HYPNOSIS! Nothing worked.

Finally, giving up they enrolled him into a small Catholic school to await another destiny.

At the end of the first day of school the boy walked in with a stern expression on his face, and walked right past the parents and went straight to his room -and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room -with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

The parents were not sure if they should comment on the boys extra efforts for fear of him losing this new found fervor, so they seemingly ignored it. This pattern continued ceaselessly.

One day the first quarter report card came out. Unopened, he dropped the envelope on the family dinner table and went straight to his room.

His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope? Cautiously the mother opened the letter, and to her amazement she saw a bright red "A" under the subject, MATH.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son!

"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?", asked the mother. Again, the boy shrugged, "No." "The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?", asked the father. "Nope," said the son. "It was all very clear to me from the very first day of Catholic school."

"How so?", asked his mom.

"When I walked into the lobby, and I saw that guy they'd nailed to the plus sign, I knew those people meant business!"



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/19/2014 10:43PM by mistress of v.

It has now been proven that Jesus was married! He is not the only husband that has been murdered after going out drinking with his 12 friends!

The term "Zombie Jew" always gets a laugh from me.

You know why Jesus couldn't keep a girlfriend?
Because it took him 3 days to rise again.

Help, I've been crucified and I can't get up.

Please remember: We are not laughing AT Jesus; we are laughing WITH Jesus.

And if Jesus does not appreciate our Jesus Jokes, he always has the option to strike us dead instantly.

beyondashadow Wrote:
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> Please remember: We are not laughing AT Jesus; we
> are laughing WITH Jesus.
>
> And if Jesus does not appreciate our Jesus Jokes,
> he always has the option to strike us dead
> instantly.


true that!

gotta wonder if He lurks here?

plenty of time to kill before the much vaunted second coming ya know

No one did it better than Sam Kinison (LANGUAGE):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSwG9Tojg9I

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdVwinoP18Y

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yF9O-GphB3M

Old rugby drinking song entitled Jesus can't play rugby. Always good for a laugh.

As a kid, I used to think I'd be denying the Holy Ghost and become a son of perdition if I laughed at a Jesus joke. Effin' cult...

How bad could relocation as far away as possible from the Kolob Eternal F*ckfest Orgy be. Really!

Years back I informed my TBM parents that I qualified for Son of Perdition status. My mother did not agree for some reason. Probably because it tarnished her personal resume'. Begatting multiple Sons of Perdition (qty 3 plus 1 lost daughter) doesn't sound like a very impressive rendition of "No Success Can Compensate For Failure In The Home."

If Jesus is all powerful, is it possible for him to microwave a burrito so hot that he himself cannot eat it?

When Jesus was on the cross, he cried out “Peter!”

Peter, who has retreated some distance away because of the horror of the scene, heard his master’s voice and started to run up the hill. He soon encountered a huge crowd, and began pushing his way through as he once again heard “Peter!”

As he got close to the cross, a Roman soldier held him back, but with almost super-human strength and determination he pushed the soldier back and stumbled forward as he once again heard Jesus cry out “Peter!”

As he reached the foot of the cross, he fell to his knees, overcome with emotion and exhaustion. He looked up and said, “Yes, Lord?” Jesus said “Peter…..I can see your house from up here.”

Why cant Jesus eat M&M's, they fall through the holes in his hands

If God and Jesus were playing chess, who would win?

Depends on which had the white and delightsome army.
White wins, black loses.

Jesus walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder, the bartender says "Hey buddy, where did you pick that up?" The parrot responds "Jeruselem, they're everywhere!"

Jesus is the head of the mormon church.

We have a winner!

Three dumb guys were in a bar talking about their favorite holiday.

The first one said: "My favorite holiday is Easter, because that's when you decorate a tree and a fat man comes down the chimney and gives you presents.

The second one said: "That's not Easter! Easter is when you have a bar-b-que and go to the parade and then watch fireworks at night."

The third one said: "That's not Easter, you idiots! Easter is when Jesus died on the cross and then they put him in a tomb and 3 days later he came out, saw his shadow and we had 6 more weeks of winter."

Not my jokes... Found elsewhere on the web


Jesus Christ walks into a hotel. He hands the inkeeper three nails and asks...

"Can you put me up for the night?"

_-_-_-_


What's the difference between Jesus Christ and an oil painting?

You only need one nail to hold up a picture.

_-_-_-_


Jesus and Moses were strolling by the Red Sea, when Moses nudged Jesus and said, "Psst. Hey, Jesus, I've still got it."

Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms and, with a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus.

Jesus scoffed. "Moses, my boy," said the Messiah, "I have still got it." And with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of the Red Sea and began to stride across without so much as a ripple.

But to Moses' amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began to sink. He splashed into the water and began to choke and flounder as the waves tossed him around. Moses grumbled at Jesus' sillyness and parted the water once more. Moses helped Jesus back to shore, as the Saviour hacked up salt water.

When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on Jesus' shoulder and said, "Don't worry about it, Lord. Last time you tried it, you didn't have holes in your feet."

_-_-_-_

The Pharisees bring an adulteress woman before him and ask 'how should she be punished?' And Jesus replies 'let they that are without guilt cast the first stone.' Then a stone comes flying out of the crowd and hits the woman in the head. Jesus looks into the crowd and says 'Mom, knock it off'.

What did Jesus say when they pulled the nails out of his hands?

(arms flailing) "THE FEET, THE FEET!"

Why didn't Jesus become a carpenter?

He wasn't comfortable with nails and wood.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/20/2014 06:27PM by donbagley.

Jesus from the cross: "What a way to spend Easter vacation."

Pilate asks Joseph of Arimathea “Why did you give that Jesus guy your tomb?” “No problem,” said Joseph. “It's just for the weekend.”

No sweetheart. Jesus rose from the dead, but he's not a Zombie. And drinking his blood every Sunday doesn't make us Vampires. Let's go get ice cream!

http://www.barnorama.com/wp-content/images/2011/04/B1474/05.jpg